Guestbook entries for Hloverofpeace

Ahh!!! Where is 'Meant to Be'???

I just checked your profile because of your comment..haha...kinda funny since it says you live in florida and that was the state I was talking about that could disappear in the ocean. >.>

What happened to 'Meant to be'? D=

Heya! Just wanna say hello and I like your pic!

-Crystal

greatstory

Hi Hilmer,
I’ve taken the liberty of offering you some suggestions on tidying up Juvenile 1. I didn’t want to post it because it would be too long a post. I’ve put a strikethrough on some words that are superfluous and I’ve changed some letters from caps to lower case. I’ve done them in red but they may not show up as red in this message. I also added a comma after her eyes spoke (her conversation with Murdoch) and I’ve made it very large
These are suggestions only and I just thought they might improve your already very imaginative and original story.
~jj

Juvenile 1

Jasmine Ortiz sat in her cell waiting for the day that would be her last in this place.

She heard screams, yells and cries for help coming from all around but she would not let them interrupt the memory she was having now.

Jasmine could smell pancakes. She always loved he mom’s pancakes. She gave her mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek and sat down.

“I would like pancakes, please,” Jasmine said. When he mom put the plate of pancakes in front of her she poured syrup all over them.

Jasmine quickly came back to reality when she heard one of the guard’s voices. (Apostrophe in guard’s)

The tall, Hispanic looking guard spoke while the other, not so scary looking, cuffed her. (Note) This wording could be taken to sound like a racial slur. You don’t say what is scary about him. You only say he looks Hispanic.

I would suggest you simplify it and just say- The tall Hispanic guard spoke while the other cuffed her. (The trick to good writing is brevity. Using as few words as possible)

Four years had passed and yet the warden thought jasmine still needed a therapist. 4

Walking down the aisles of between the cells, jasmine would never look up. She was didn’t want to be reminded of where she had been the past four years. of her life She wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. 5

“Why are you here jasmine?” Dr. Murdoch said. He had been jasmine’s doctor since she had arrived. To her, these sessions were so common that his office became her home. He had been the only person who cared about her well-being these last few years. And soon she would be leaving him, and going back to the real world; the reason the life that had brought her here in the first place. 7

“I’ve been a very bad girl.” Jasmine said, with a crooked smile on her face. She had always been sarcastic, ever since she was little. It was the only way to cope with her insecurities. 8

This always annoyed Dr. Murdoch immensely. “You ran away from home jasmine, that’s why you’re here.” His deep green eyes were trying to analyze Jasmine her. Her movements, things she said, the way her eyes spoke, interested him. He wanted to dig into her, go below the surface. Of course he had been trying that for years, but she gave nothing. 9

Jasmine stayed remained silent for a few minutes. To her, there was no home. She would never forgive her mom. “And is that a good enough reason to lock me up for four years?” That was all jasmine managed to say, leaving that night’s consult at that. 10

I see now that my strikethroughs and red highlights won't show in this message but if you read it carefully you will see my suggestions. If you have a hotmail address or something I could email it to you.
~jj

actually i had just deleted it and then i got an alert that you commented it lol. slums is the original version of a piece I wrote called "at a standstill" for an 100 word contest. Slums was 153 words. I don't plan on extending it, but it is the ending to a short story I am writing, except its a male character.

and check out your page. It's getting late for me, but I will try to stop by tomorrow and check out your stories.
Trish

Thank you for the complement! Where can I read your writing?

Just dropped in to say Hi.

Hey, you asked me to read your story. I would love to, but it's not up, so message me when it is

I noticed James Patterson is one of your favorite authors, he's one of mine too . Check out my work? I always return the favor.