I never really thought about it until my sophomore year when my girlfriend nearly broke up with me. I’d always been a “nerd”, ever since elementary school. My teachers picked up on my intelligence and chose to encourage me. My peers envied me, asked me to “share” my smarts, and I would beam sheepishly and say honestly that I wished that I could. Secretly I was elated; I had something that they did not, something worth having, and I treasured it. By the time I hit my sophomore year I was two grades ahead in math and science and was taking A.P. biology with seniors. When final exams and the A.P. exam came, I was studying like crazy; I barely talked to my girlfriend for 30 minutes each night, maybe every other night, under the excuse of “sorry love, I’m studying for exams……” or “I have this HUGE project to do, and an essay do, plus a lab write-up, and….” Finally, with the unnaturally cold words, “do you even have time for me anymore?” my world came crashing down.
It was when I looked back at my past that I realized that I’d become trapped on the accelerated path, addicted to being the “brightest and the best”, taught that doing homework was joy and love and life, conditioned like a dog that if all I ever did was work then I’d be rewarded with the praise and perfect A’s that I basked in and loved so much. I had to do my homework to get into college and get a good job and a good spouse and have a good life. In today’s world, perfection is everything. If I didn’t get everything right, I was a failure and my life would be worthless and miserable. That’s how I thought subconsciously. That’s the mindset teachers put upon you these days.
But I like to learn, I argued with myself. Why should one be ashamed of intelligence? I shouldn’t have to sacrifice it. It’s like some poor, worthless boyfriend telling his fiancée the she doesn’t need to go to college, that she should give up such aspirations to be a good housewife in some scummy little house in the ghetto of some run-down old city. It’s simply not right to give up one’s dreams, one’s future, one’s happiness for someone else.
But who says perfection and overachieving on some tiny homework piece directly bring happiness? The more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that school is lots of things, but it isn’t everything. Happiness is everything, human lives are everything, but school wasn’t happiness. Any great effort toward something that doesn’t create true happiness (both in the present and in the end) is a waste of time and of life. I started to see that I was on the wrong path, on the extreme, and that jumping to the other extreme of totally blowing off my exams wouldn’t be the solution either--I may end up the unhappy housewife who once had great potential but gave it up. But the middle road, the solution that can be described by my mother’s oft-used saying “everything in moderation”, was what I wanted and what I chose. I apologized for my stupidity and my blindness and for treating her (unintentionally, but all the same) like something disposable. I apologized for my excuses and explained why I think I had needed them. I explained to her all of this.
The gravest mistake I have almost ever made in my life was ignoring what mattered most. Luckily I was able to realize in time that, while I’ll always be a nerd and I’ll still find some satisfaction and [perhaps some shell of] happiness in being one, that my own true happiness, as well as the love of my life, are far more important in the end.
I can now take an exam and laugh at it in my head. I am no longer fully trapped by the “smart track”. I control my own future.
Author notes
One of the prompts in a contest was “Knowing you will always be a geek.” Unfortuantely, a requirement for the contest was that the piece had to be one paragraph (150 words) long, so I was unable to enter this in the contest.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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wow... the more i read of your stuff the more it scares me because it sounds like practically a twin of me. lol. i was definitely on the "smart track" all through school, ap classes, have to get a's, etc. not until senior year of high school did i loosen up on that, when i discovered it was near impossible for me to get an a in ap statistics... lol. again a humorous and honest piece.
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Yay for twins!
Well at least I figured out that I really need to loosen up this past year so that I can apply it to my junior year instead of not figuring it out until my senior year as you did.
...Blah, I ALMOST was going to do AP Stats this coming school year...but...
there weren't enough people signed up for it so they dropped the class so I'm not doing AP Calculus in my junior year, which is harder... 
Thank goodness for World Religions, Physics (especially after doing AP Bio last year, that'll be a piece of cake!), and Creative Writing!
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Nice
Nice Lady E! I know how it feels. I feel a need to get all A's or I'm unsatisfied. I still am, I have yet to have a break through and I still strive for perfection.
I agree with you on how teacher's say things like "If you don't go to college your life is going to be over" It's ridiculous really. One day when I was crying to my mom about my worries she got pissed at how counslers and the like were telling me things like that.
Good job on this though! Let's be nerds together!
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Heh, yeah, the counselors and Mr. Smith and all them go insane with all the "WOOOO college, AP classes, smartness, 4.0 GPA, flex scheduling, etc!!!" propaganda-ish stuff....I find those little powerpoint presentations they show us one in a while particularly funny.
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Very good! I really enjoy your style of writing, perhaps because it is similar to mine.
You're writing from your heart and that is truly what you know best.
I find it surprising that you are the age you are..you show so much maturity with your thought process and being able to translate it onto paper, and very clearly too.
I'll enjoy reading more from you.
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Thank you! Yup, I've often been told that I seem older than what I am...But it occurs less and less with the older I get. I wonder if that means anything....
Well anyway, yay for our similar writing style!
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Good Story!
It is easy to see that this story is about choosing priorities. I was one who chose the academic route for a while. I believe it has helped me as a writer, but I'm still stuggling to sell my work. What is A. P.? I was confused in this story about the gender of the main character.
It is sometimes hard to conform to contest rules and word limits can definitely be a problem. I think your story turned out pretty well, but you could expand it even further going into their relationship.
Andy
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Heh, the main character is actually myself, and I happen to be female. Because the prompt had to do with academics, my main focus (for writing this piece, at least; but as I started in this piece, it isn't my main focus in life) wasn't my girlfriend, so I didn't make it a point to "straighten out" (yay for puns) for the reader what my orientation was because it wasn't the focus of my story, just a fact...
And A.P. stands for "Advanced Placement". AP classes are college-level courses that you take in high school which, if pay the money ( $80-ish) to take the AP College Board Exam and you get a high enough score, you can get college credit for it and won't have to take the course in college.
And thank you for all of those applauds. -
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Interesting.
When I was in high school there were no Advanced Placement classes. Some classes were equivalent to college classes, but no credit. It seems like a wonderful program. What is your favorite write? If it is not more than 2,000 words, I'll give it a read.
Andy
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