The cold steel made his skin prickle. It felt good, felt like power being transferred between the object and his body. He looked down at the gun, and thought ‘how can something so small, can change so much…?’ He thumbed the safety off… He saw himself do it, but he didn’t seem to be controlling the action. It was like the gun had gained control over him, had invaded his soul. He saw himself raise the gun, he felt the barrel start to press against the side of his head. His index finger started to tighten on the trigger. ‘It’s so simple’ he thought… ‘Is it too simple? Too easy?’ Can something this easy really be the answer? His grip on the gun began to slacken. His index finger eased, the pressure on the side of his head let up, he heard the gun tumble to the ground. ‘It’s too simple, it can’t be right,’ then he thought of his family, of his siblings back home. ‘Little Amber, she would be three now, already walking, and talking. Young William, he would be what? Was it 12 now? He must be huge.’ He smiled thinking about them. 'God, I’m so stupid,’ He thought as he reached down to pick up his sidearm, he clicked the safety back on and slipped it into his holster… ‘That will never be the answer,’ he thought grimly, ‘I will never even think of this again.’
He was in hell, or at least the closest thing to it he had ever experienced. His face was covered in dirt and grime. He was an averaged sized man, about 6 foot, maybe 200 pounds. The dog tags around his neck told that his name was Joseph Davis , but naturally, everyone called him Joe. Joe had been in combat for a month straight, and in that time he hadn’t showered once. But seeing as in no one had showered in weeks, it didn’t much matter.
Distant bursts of automatic weapons fire popped like fire crackers in the distance, fires lit up the horizon. An explosion a little to close for comfort, shook the ground. There was a distant cry of “MEDIC! I’M HIT, THE BASTARDS GOT ME! I NEED A-.” Four shots rang out cutting the plea for help short.
Joe’s blood ran cold, wondering if he knew the ill-fated soldier. Odds are he didn’t, Hell, he might have even been a Separatist. Joe was a loyalist, he didn’t support anarchy. ’those fools’ he thought, ‘they think they can overthrow the Emperor,’ “Ha!” he laughed out loud. ‘No one can overthrow the Emperor… No one….’
Frank Philips, Joe’s best friend, was propped up next to him in the damp foxhole. It was late evening, and visibility was down to 20 feet. They were on the edge of what once had been a city park, but now was a scarred wasteland. They were part of a scouting patrol that was deep inside the enemy occupied city. An offensive was in the works to retake the core of the city, little more than forty miles away. But as of yet this goal was unobtainable. The Separatist Rebels had control of the airspace above the city. This made advancement risky and very fool hardy.
Joe wondered whether this uprising would ever be put down, it had been gaining momentum over the past two years. Joe laughed, he laughed a cold laugh, devoid of all humor. ’Its funny, a hundred years of peace was broken by one raving lunatic…’ he mused.
Frank had been fast asleep until Joe’s laughter stirred him. “What’s so goddamned funny?” He grunted, “I was having a good fucking dream!”
“Nothing Frank, and you get enough sleep as it is, god knows how you do it…” Joe’s voice trailed off, he signaled to Frank to be quite, he heard something moving through the nearby rubble.
They both grabbed their rifles, and peaked above the lip of the foxhole. A dark shadow scrambled across the rubble of a nearby building. “Mercury!” Joe croaked the first word of the pass code, the shadow stopped suddenly and started to raise something, but before he could, Frank fired three shots and the shadow slumped to the ground.
“Hot damn! That was close!” Frank said nervously as he lowered his weapon.
“I hope to god he wasn’t just one of our guys who forgot the second part of the pass code…”
“Don’t think about that! You’ll fucking go Section 8 if you worry about that shit!” Frank snarled.
“What, just cause I worry will make me crazy?” Joe snapped back. But before Frank could make his case, they heard the whine of a drop ship’s motors sweep overhead.
“SHIT!” Frank yelled franticly, “They’ll have thermals!! They know we’re here!”
Sergeant Mahan was in a nearby foxhole, he yelled “DAVIS! RADIO HQ FOR EVAC!”
Joe fumbled through his vest until he found the radio. He quickly turned it on and started to broadcast.
“HQ! HQ! This is Scout Patrol One! Do you read?!?”
There was silence for a few seconds, then the radio crackled to life, “Scout One, this is HQ, we read you about 5 by 6. Go ahead.”
Joe looked to Frank, Frank nodded. “HQ, this is Scout One, requesting immediate Evac!”
“Scout One, this is HQ, we have two Gunships in your area, we are diverting them to your position for cover, Evac should arrive shortly after the Gunships’ arrival.”
“HQ, this is Scout One, when the fuck do the Gunships get here!?!?!?!?”
“Scout One, HQ here, estimated arrival time, ten minutes, HQ out.”
“HQ, this is Scout One, out”
Joe lowered the Radio, he checked his weapon, and yelled to Sergeant Mahan, “WE’VE GOT TO HOLD OUT FOR TEN MINUTES SARG!”
Mahan looked down sullenly, then went notify the rest of his squad.
There would be at least 25 troops in that drop ship, and the patrol only consisted of 12 soldiers. To add further to that, the enemy troops would be well fed, heavily armed, and well rested, while the scouting patrol was fatigued, lightly armed, and running low on rations and ammo. The only thing the Scouting Patrol had going for them was training, they had received best training available in the Empire, these Rebels had substandard combat training, as they had learned in the early months of the war. The Rebels only controlled this city for one reason, numbers. They were much more numerous than the Emperor's legions in this sector.
Just as Sergeant Mahan returned to his foxhole they heard the dropship touch down about 100 yards inside the park. Joe checked and rechecked his weapon, he had five magazines of ammunition left, each mag contained 45 rounds. He also had three grenades, and six landmines left.
He quickly activated the mines and threw them far out in front of him, all the other soldiers in the squad did the same. Each mine was packed full of enough explosives and shrapnel to kill at least two soldiers and they were set to explode when it sensed movement in a five foot radius of the mine.
Joe looked to Frank, “Ready?” he asked.
Frank smiled uneasily, checked his weapon for probably the fourth time, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Just then, they heard several of the mines go off with deadening roars. That was their cue, they both popped up and started to unload their weapons at the enemy muzzle flashes.
Cries of wounded men started to find their way to Joe’s ears. He saw Sergeant Mahan get up and run to their foxhole. Joe and Frank started to lay down cover fire for the him.
“GRENADES!” he yelled as he slid next to them, “USE YOUR GRENADES!”
Joe and Frank both lobed two grenades into the dark night, things were getting quieter, but it was equally as deadly as the beginning of the fire fight.
They kept unloading bullets into whatever they heard and saw, or at least thought they had heard or seen.
It seemed like hours until they heard the roar of the Gunships approach.
To be continued… but done for the contest
Author notes
I'm going to keep writting this, but i thought i would enter what i had.
A contest entry
- SW Presents-Science Fiction/Science Fluff-Gold and Silver Membership up for grabs by Violet Moodswing.
700 points, ended August 25, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fight for your life! by Miss Chell.
300 points, ended September 2, 2007, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I've read a lot of war stories tonight..lol..
This was good..I actually loved the idea of war between loyalist and anarchist. I've actually always taken the anarchist side..but I loved that the contrast in views between the two.
I'm assuming Frank dies..the best friend is always used as a pawn to make a dramatic effect..surprise me? I already mentioned, I read a lot of war stories tonight..
I liked the conversation on the radio..it was cool..just to read the anticipation and intensity..
thank you for entering my contest -
Hi
I am going to be helping to judge this contest. When I comment on a poem or story, it is always with the idea of making the piece publishable. I base my suggestions on things I have learned in college, through my personal reading, and through my own experience in submitting things for publication, as well as working as an editor. Your goal may not be to publish the piece though, and if that is the case, just take the critique for what it is, an opinion, which is neither right nor wrong. Take what works for you and ignore the rest.
I ask lots of questions when I critique a story. I don’t ask them to challenge you personally, but to challenge your creativity and to help you see your story from a different perspective.
‘how can something so small, can change so much…?’
***You seem to have an extra word in there.
An explosion, a little to close for comfort
***There should be a comma after explosion, and it should be “too close for comfort.”
“Ha!” he laughed out loud. ‘No one can overthrow the Emperor… No one….’
***This seems a bit melodramatic.
’Its funny, a hundred years of peace was broken by one raving lunatic…’ he mused.
***Not sure what you are doing here with these apostrophes around this sentence, but the statement certainly needs some explanation for the reader. How did a single lunatic break 100 years of peace?
he signaled to Frank to be quite, he heard something
***He signaled Frank to be quite what? Did you mean quiet?
***I don’t really get a sense of the action in this story because it is told and not shown. When the character is on the radio with HQ, it is as if there is nothing else going on around him, and that makes the reader wonder what the hurry is for evac. You should work in some action in there, and work on pulling the reader into the story. I never forgot that I was safe and sound in my home. Make your reader feel they are in the same peril as your soldiers.
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An attention keeping action adventure type thing. Good read for me. Thanks for enterring and best of luck in the contest.
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Good
I love the way u explain the events
Um after the mines blew up with a deafening roar, you put the both popped up
I thinks its supposed to be they
All in all great
I look forward to reading more -
I'm hoping that this is set in another galaxy and back about a hundred years. Phrases like 'hot damn' are old and seem a bit out of place for the rest of the story
It seems a mesh of Viet Nam and some unknown future. I hope the continuation answers some of the questions like when and where not to mention the why and cause of the war. A good begining. Not much to be done in the way of starting let's see what you do with the end. -
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
~*Brooke*~ -
I like it a lot, and I would love to read more. It flowed real smooth and I could understand everything! *smile*
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An interesting story, although there seems to be no science fiction or science fluff in it. The uses of Empire and Rebels in remeniscent of Star Wars, and this is actually written better than some of the 'fight scenes' that I've read.
As you mentioned, it is unfinished, and at has that unfinished/chapter quality to it. You have the basis for a great story here. With a lot more background description and filling in of just what is going on, and where they are, you'll have yourself a rockin' story. -
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i didnt want it to sound like Star Wars, it saddens me that those words are forever ruined by those movies, lol. but the Sci Fi is subtle... little things like the Dropship, and the landmine... and as someone stated before, you dont know what the setting is, and that was purpousful...
anyway, thanks for the kind words
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Hot stuff
Great pace and action. I really enjoyed the opening. Your main character is beautifully flawed. I wish there had been a little more inner monologue with him, since that was really the portion I connected with the most. Outside of a few typos and odd wordings it was very well written. This was a solid piece to start off the contest. -
Wow, I really enjoyed this, very nice job on it. I was drawn in by the beginning and couldn't stop reading. I love it. Very nice job ^.^
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The problem: the setting...is this a fictional war...and if so..future..scifi? The place and time is left out. It's good writing but feels like it's parly imagined and partly from movies. If so, best to see if you can research real vet accounts of battle action.
I see that you wrote this for contest but may want to continue with the story line...I've done that with two stories so far.
Outline and do a synopsis from beginning to end..know your ending so you really can work your main character towards that goal.
Think about your pov as well.
You have very good detail and can draw a reader into the story...just need more to it..clarification and filler...give it a history.
Good Luck
Daoine -
I really like this. It has nice flow, and it does have a realistic feel to it. I do hope that you continue it!
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"each clip contained 45 rounds", just saying thats a mag, a clip is the bullets with the metal holding it together, like a heavy machine guns rounds, and the weapons from your discription doesnt sound like a heavy machine gun.
Well I read this once before, before any of this was up and I see you've added alot. It was very discriptive, and I could put myself in the foxhole, he sounded like a humane soldier, not one of those other types who are all gun ho, like Ive read in some other stories.
The only problem I had was that the Evac conversation was a little too long and seemed a bit too dott my I's and cross my p's for a combat situation. Other than that a great story and one very well showed.
Will look forward to the continuation of the story. Contact me when you do.
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Awesomeness!
Didn't realize that I hadn't left a comment. Still love it, and I love how it's futuristic without haven't to invent a lot of fake technology and robots etc. I can't wait to find out the rest! Hope you win a contest or two. -
Ockigo Hyuuga
great job keep it up
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Woah! that was intense! You set the scene so well, i could see it all so clearly! That beginning was great, too. It makes the character seem more human, more real. This is a great edit, the story has really benefited from what you have added. The descriptions of the action itself was amazing. I usually find battle scenes hard to follow, but this was fluent and not at all messy. Great job.
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