silver Bells & Cockle Shells. Chapter 1.1
Well, finally here she was! Up to her toes in soft dry sand .Skirt hitched into her knickers, with gay abandon and curls bouncing in the breeze…..”I’ll race ya, come on Sammy make a go of it, put some effort into it,” yelled Sally at the top of her lungs. A small child for her age of eleven, she had the look of an elf, with small pointy ears and green eyes, tiny hands but large feet. “Aw give over gal, me names not Speedy Gonzales! Sammy gulped in great mouthfuls of air, as if his very life depended on it and turned and looked at his sister, who was running down the beach towards a small ridge of rocks. “Darn you with your big feet, he roared into the wind. Laughing to himself, he followed at a more leisurely pace.2
Reaching the rocks, they flopped onto the damp stones and caught their breath. Seagulls screaming their displeasure at this rude interruption, took off seaward. 3
with a great flapping of wings the gulls nattered their way off to buzz a fishing boat or two in a nearby inlet4
Sammy and Sally watched them take off into the west and remembered that they were also hungry, so heading back to where they had left their small bundles of belongings, they tossed stones, skipping them across the breakers. “I won, yelled Sammy, did you see that one it went miles! Rubbish it sank after three bobs” laughed Sally. Reaching the piles of clothing and towels, they ferreted beneath all the paraphernalia and found their lunch, wrapped in greaseproof paper with loving care by their grandmother.5
The children had come to spend a whole week with their Granny, in her small cottage at Brandy Bay, a tiny fishing village on the coast of Cornwall. They so looked forward to this rare treat. Months of planning had gone into the packing and unpacking and packing again of suitcases. A book in this suitcase, just for a rainy day, flip-flops and tennis racquet's, all stuffed into any small recess in the cases they could find.6
Sammy tore open his pile of sandwiches with relish. Being much bigger than Sally, he felt sure that he could eat his lunch and help Sally to finish hers, so with one eye on his cheese and pickle sandwich and one eye on Sally’s hoping she wouldn’t be as hungry as she looked. Sammy was thirteen years old with a happy face and large freckles. His favorite pastime was hiding in their tree house at home, when his mother was looking for someone to feed the dog or get the washing off the line. He knew she would never climb the rickety old ladder that had seen better days, but mother was clever. She would tell Sally where he was and get her to go and tell her brother that a friend had come to call for him for a game of football or cricket. She would cry laughing when he finally emerged from his den, straight into her waiting arms.7
This summer was special, they had been planning it for weeks……..Tomorrow was going to be the start of their adventure. Maps and torches, with spare batteries were safely tucked into an old knapsack of their dad’s, along with string, chewing gum pen and paper. They were off to find the lost treasure of “Salty Bill,” said to have sailed the seas in these parts many years ago. The legend went that “Salty Bill” and his crew would lie in wait for some passing ship, flying the flags of either Spain or France as they carried rich bounty on-board. Story goes that on a clear night, Salty Bill headed off from the “Toby Jug Pub"bound for Pirates Cove with his crew, for a night of plunder.8
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Author notes
I enjoy writing for children, so apologies
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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I like the directness and sound observatuion of this and wish you well in telling stories for children. Some marginal shortening of sentences in places might help the reader.
The sentence starting: 'The legend went that “Salty Bill” and his crew would lie in wait for some passing ship, flying the flags of either Spain or France as they carried rich bounty on-board.' does not read too well for example.
But, and God help us for buts....this strikes me as old fashioned in the Enid Blyton sense. Modern writers for children are much darker - Jacqueline Wilson, for example - who constantly loiters around social services, disfunctional families and other such places - is the biggest selling children's author outside of JK Rowling.
All best wishes and thank you for sharing this.
Donald
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Enjoyable seaside outing! You present very interesting and engaging characters, with a lovely setting.
P4, Possibly, connect to previous sentence with "with a great flapping of wings. They nattered their way..."
P5, I'm not certain, but was it 'grease paper'? I have an impression it was like 'waxed paper', to try to keep drying air away from the bread...
P6 loved the skipping stones across the breakers!
P7 2nd sentence seems a bit unweildy. Possibly divide it, "...eat [all] his lunch and help Sally to finish hers [as well.] So [he kept] one eye on his cheese and pickle sandwich, and the other eye on Sally's, hoping she wouldn't be as hungry as she looked." I'm not sure what is happening in the last sentence of this paragraph "She would cry laughing..."
P8 maybe remove the comma after 'torches' and relocate it to after 'chewing gum'? Perhaps "They [would be] off to find...", as 'were' is past tense?
Enticing introductory chapter, with adventure and treasure hunt for the reader to look forward to!
I enjoyed this very much
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As long as you enjoy what you write and get satisfaction, it doesnt matter what others might think. The more you write the better it becomes, Listen to your heart and write for all you are worth, it is such a wonderful feeling to see your words written down, as you progress you will find different ways to tell a story, it can be humorous or sad or angry..... all is allowed, so write on my little friend and I shall keep reading
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thanks for the comment...not very many ppl think i am good...but i do what i can...Thanks!
~Jayme~ -
Thank you, I think "managing to draw you" in was a compliment indeed
Thanks for taking the time to read it
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This is good writing, and makes for an interesting introduction to what could be a great work. Wonderful vocabulary, with a pleasant "down home" feel to it; sure to please the young and old alike. I don't generally take the time to read lengthy entries on AP, but you drew me in with this.
Best wishes,
Moses -
I am glad you enjoyed this, thank you for the kind comments
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It certainly does help, thank you and also for the kind words. I do enjoy writing for children but I am inclinded to lapse when trying to discribe a scene into adult mode
I will work on this Thank you one again for your comments they were much appreciated.
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GREAT!
i love this,probably one of my favourites and is there going to be more?oh never mind if there isnt i like a good cliff-hanger i am going to read some more of your storys now bye bye chicken
love spanna xoxoxoxo -
Absolutely no need to apologise for writing for children..silly billy! My only question is to what age group you are aiming.. at times I felt you had been in childrens mode, then eased back into semi-adult mode (which would be ok for the Nancy Drew/Hardy boys age. Generally enjoyed the write.. be aware of occasional repetition of the same word within a paragraph - and leave as much to the readers imagination as possible..hinting at a concept, rather than over describing it - example :
"Seagulls screaming their displeasure at this rude interruption, took off seaward. Great flapping of wings and garbled messages to each other on their flight to find dinner took them out to sea, to seek out the small fishing boats lying off the inlet into this small cove, where they would find discarded fish by the pounds."
"took off" "flapping of wings" and "their flight" - all denote them flying - when it could be described with only one.. : "with a great flapping of wings the gulls nattered their way off to buzz a fishing boat or two in a nearby inlet.."
Leave the rest to the imagination.. gulls buzz fishing boats to get fishbits.. everyone can imagine that without it being described..
I hope this helps.. I think it's a lovely story.
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Thank you for your helpful tip. I am most grateful
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good stuff
A very nice start for a childrens story. The narrative is very engaging and you seem to have a very good grasp of your characters. If you decide to continue this further, I think I would like to see a little more dialogue interaction between the characters. This is definatly worth continuing.
an.d -
This reminded me of those summer days when my parents would take us to the beach. Swim, search for treasure (sea shells), and get horribly sunburnt. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
ps. Legend has is that Jean Laffite bury his treasure somewhere on Galveston Island....... we never found it. -
Thank you freewill, hopefully there will be more in the future
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yeah i like it and i hoep there will be more cos i would like to keep reading!!!
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Hopefully there will be more but I need to be in the right frame of mind when I am tackling stories as I find poetry a little easier, so between sketching, poetry and babysitting I do the story bit when all have gone to bed
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Thank you so much for the constructive critique. Punctuation was always a tribulation for me, but I will practice
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Very fun story, very detailed. Great write... Will there be more?
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Interesting story. I like your dialogue. It reads quite naturally. Dialogue is, I think, one of the more difficult aspects of writing to master.
Also, you have a nice touch for building a scene and telling the reader little details that, at first, seem insignificant, but which end up adding quite nicely to the whole picture. You have a very nice writing style.
You need to work on punctuation a little, though. -
Thank you and I'm sorry it was hard to read she says as she scuttles off to change the font
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Not elves elf like Still in Cornwall anythings possible
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Thats fine Enjoy the shower, I will wait with baited breathe
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interesting lol oh soz i cant do a long comment i have to shower leave another comment soon cya
spanna -
Wow I get to be the first to comment. Well apart from the faunt which i found hard to read, the writing itself was good. Good luck in the contest.
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Interesting. I've never seen elves set in this setting. Nice write.
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