The Frighteners.

The Frighteners

Babysitting is for the most part an endeavour undertaken by the fairer sex and chaps who are good with colours/light on their feet or both. A sweeping and sexist generalization you may think. However what self-respecting red blooded seventeen year old male, of the heterosexual persuasion, would wish to be stuck in a house taking full parental responsibility for the result of some other feeble minded twats drunken fumbles? All for the piss poor financial reward of about ten quid (£10). When they could be on the lash in the local pub with there equally narrow-minded chums.

Not I! That was for damn sure.

Admittedly I had in the past been in houses where certain not unattractive young ladies were press ganged for a pittance into child minding duty, but that was in a more covert, black ops prospect of hands up the jumper role rather than wanting to look after screaming children. I quote directly from a certain young lady at the time who will for obvious reasons remain nameless “You can come round at about half past eight as they will have gone out by then, the kids will be in bed and I’ll let you in the back door!”

Unfortunately on this occasion and being still wet behind the ears, I had badly misread the situation, having taken the young lady in question at her word and thinking that her use of the phrase “I’ll let you in the back door” was a euphemism for some sordid sexual technique. I turned up reeking of aftershave, with my lucky shirt on and a three pack of Durex’s finest, purloined from a pub toilet vending machine wedged provocatively in my trouser hip pocket.

Alas doing the sex was not on the agenda for that evening. However several king size vodkas from our unknowing hosts well stocked drinks cabinet, accompanied with the obligatory takeaway pizza were. As I was forced to try and numb the excruciating pain of having to watch a pirate copy of the chick flicks chick flick, Dirty Dancing for what seemed like the millionth time as I attempted drunkenly, to stealthily creep ever closer to her at the other end of the sofa.

Do women watch nothing else, as they all seemed to be totally engrossed, even to this day, in this soft focus romantic sing-a-long shite?

All to no avail however, as the usually soppy couple she was babysitting for came home early and I had to beat a hasty retreat out of the back door and over the garden wall. With the high pitched drunken screeching of the lady of the house ringing in my ears as she spat the dummy at her husbands rampant leering in the pub “You slippery bastard you couldn’t take your eyes off of that tarts tits!” She screamed before bursting in to floods of tears and slamming a few doors for good measure.

You can surely see I had learnt from bitter experience that even if you were not the actual babysitter this occupation was fraught with potential danger at every turn.

Imagine my horror then as I walked up the path to my mother’s house late one Friday afternoon in September 1987 and a voice behind me said “Hoy JSDK, our babysitters going to be late as she has been held up at home. Can you watch Richard and Robert for an hour maximum until she gets here? Me and the wife have really been looking forward to going out?” Said Ryan my mothers neighbour and the local police inspector. “Oh I’m not sure about that I’m no good with children!” I replied in a squirmy half-baked attempt to get out of it.

“Oh go on! Do me a favour! We never get the chance to go out and it will only be for an hour max until the wife’s sister gets here.” Continued the pleading Ryan, when if truth be told, the promise of the appearance of “The wife’s sister!” was a deal clincher if ever there was one.

The aforementioned “Wife’s sister” was the very blonde and it has to be said absolutely stunning Lisa. Lisa was well out of everyone’s league never mind a chest obsessed cheap aftershave wearing seventeen year old. She was also heavily into aerobics, the upshot of which was that she was nearly always dressed in skintight Lycra. When she graced any of the local hostelries and was out of her spandex uniform, she chose to don what could only be described as wide belts instead of actual skirts.

All in all I think you will agree a young teenage chaps fantasy come to life.

Scene set job done? Good wind the clock forward to 6.45pm that evening and I am sitting in Ryan and Rosemary’s front room receiving my final child minding instructions from the doting parents.

“The boys have both been fed and are upstairs in their bedrooms sleeping. They have been told to stay in bed until Lisa gets here so you shouldn’t have any bother from them. Lisa will be here by eight o’clock at the latest.” Said the shapely Rosemary showing remarkable calmness at leaving her offspring in the care, albeit temporary, of a young chap with absolutely no idea about looking after children. With that they both grabbed their coats and were off out the door. The pair of them must have still been on their way down the garden path when in the room above the living room… Thump! Thump! As two pairs of small boys feet hit the floor as they jumped out of bed, they then what can only be described as careered down the stairs and burst in to the sitting room.

For the next ten minutes all hell broke loose as they basically ransacked there own home, nests of tables were over turned, the television was turned on and the hyperactive pair then set about treating the sofa like a trampoline. Despite my very best efforts and use of my very sternest tone I was powerless and could do nothing to curtail the mayhem the terrible twosome were causing.

Chocolate! That’s what I thought to myself. Chocolate! Children love sweets and I thought the promise of chocolate would subdue these two toddling tearaways. Masterstroke, the pair took the bait and having fetched some from the kitchen cupboard they actually sat still in total silence on the living room floor gobbling it down for all their worth.

Then oh spoons!

The chocolate gave the potty pair a massive sugar rush and if I thought they were mental before they now went into orbit and off the scale of hyperactivity. I had reached my wits end with the pair of them and rolled out the old chestnut of promising to tell them a story if they would go back to bed and go to sleep. Mercifully once again the sugar having begun to wear off they agreed and upstairs they ran. They climbed in to their beds where I told them the mother and father of all ghost stories.

The story I told them involved ghosts living under their beds and should they leave an arm or leg sticking out from under the bed cloths during the hours of darkness. The ghosts would pull them under the bed and they would never see their parents again.

These two proved to be as gullible as they were hyper and found the tale petrifying as it scared them shitless and thus ensured they would not venture out of bed and cause me any more grief.

The fragrant Lisa eventually pitched up, nearly not wearing a skirt as per usual, to a house of tranquillity. Needles to say my lucky shirt did not have the desired effect on her either.

A week or so later I was once again collared by Ryan walking up my mother’s garden path. “Hoy JSDK what the fuck are you doing telling my sons there are ghosts under their beds? The two of them are scared to go to bed!” He said.

With this reference for obvious reasons my childminding services were no longer required.

Author notes

This is all once again ashamidly true and only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • Darkhearted
    March 24
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    I don't get what it has to do with my contest but whatever it was funny.


  • Jennywinnie
    March 16

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    This is really funny. I laughed alot at the whole notion of this extremely hormonal one minded guy trying to watch little kids.

    Great pace, and you kept me hooked.

    Greatjob

  • Empty Closet
    January 14

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    This was really funny, and I enjoyed reading it... but it wasn't really what I was looking for in my contest. However, if it was I would of without a doubt picked it as one of the winners. Great job!


  • Rini
    April 6, 2008
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    Although funny, It wasn't exactly what I was looking for in my contest.


  • tabbykat92
    February 21, 2008
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    This story was really funny, even though it didn't really follow the basic idea of my contest.


  • Taboo Pixie
    February 12, 2008

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    Ok first of all what is this doing in my contest? It has nothing to do with sick twisted love, just your typical horny teenage guy! second of all you didn't even follow the rules, which doesn't surprise me as I can see you entered it into so many contests it would be hard to keep track of all the rules in every single one of them . It is an interesting funny story though,Just not right for my contest.thanks for entering.
    -Heart-


  • bakermiddle
    February 10, 2008

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    Funny

    I think that this was pretty funny. I noticed a lot of grammatical errors and that’s really important. But all the same, thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!


  • On.Cue
    January 7, 2008
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    This was funny and quite nicely written.


  • Loonamist
    December 26, 2007

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    Er

    I got fairly confused in some of the wording and punctuations. Also, this doesn't really at all have what I was asking. I can't really think of anything else to comment on... sorry.


  • IxLovexElphiex
    December 24, 2007

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    Great but,

    This is great, really descriptive and funny, but I don't believe that it fits very well with my contest. Thanks for entering, tho, and good luck with your other contests!


  • Stegofreak
    August 4, 2007

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    I know I’m just repeating what others have said, but this is a great piece. You’ve been lavish with detail where it was needed and sparing where it wasn’t. Really well constructed.

    As for the story, there are parts I can relate too having looked after kids myself. Knowing what it feels like to be a teenage guy suddenly stuck with two hyper children made this piece all the more amusing. And I must admit I made the manly decision of getting my girlfriend to help.


  • -Hidden-
    August 1, 2007
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    Ahh nice work! I've been lazy lately - well, the last few months, actually. Been stuck doing homework etc so I haven't really had the chance to do any reading. I'm glad I got to see this though! Thanks for the laugh! One suggestion, have a look at your sentences. I find sometimes that they are really long and hard to read. Other than that, great!! Thanks again!

  • peripheral visionary
    July 31, 2007
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    oh man, that was hilarious. you have a great way of phrasing things.

  • tabbykat92
    July 31, 2007

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    This story was really funny and reminded me of the first time I had to baby sit. Luckily, the children were related to me and I was allowed to make them sit in their rooms.


  • Rosemary silver member
    July 30, 2007
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    Nice story

    I always enjoy your use of the British lingo and your great wit.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    July 28, 2007

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    this is really good. srry it took me so long to read it. but seriously this is a great story. kept my interest until the last word. very funny too. great job. i love your stories they're hilarous. anyways great job and keep up the amazing work.

    -LostSoul


  • bedovich
    July 27, 2007

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    oh greatttt this is so unique you had me reading till the last words and you haave great mixing of words and description btw i love the entry a lots

  • Jinxgirl
    July 26, 2007

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    LOL! oh wow... this is probably the most amusing story i have read by you so far, probably because i as a former babysitter and current nursery church child carer can relate... kids can be so rotton. i loved the descriptions of lisa and your furtive hope to have sex with the babysitter. this kind of reminded me of my story "rush hour" actually with the kids... nice job.


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    July 26, 2007

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    I so remember babysitting and all the things those little twerps thought they could get away with.
    My only suggestion would be to check the time sequence. It seemed a little off. I thought you started with your character going to the first girls at a little after eight and then you had 6:45 and then 8 again. I was a little confused.
    Great job though.
    ~*Brooke*~


  • iPoopAThug
    July 26, 2007

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    Haha

    I love your stories. They are so different than anything else. You always manage to pull out the reflective story teller role perfectly.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • jtnbuck
    July 26, 2007

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    WOW this was rather good great job I did like reading this it kept me on my seat the edge of it lol I like your writing style you are a very good writer cant wait to read more of your works great job again


  • Token Massacre silver member
    July 26, 2007

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    Another amusing tale. Well done. There are some structural problems (not major just paragraphing) and a few punctuation mistakes (missing commas mostly). Overall it was a good read that kept my attention throughout.
    (Although, I wasn't overly fond of the "T" word *shakes my head)
    Good write as always. Thanks for posting and good luck in the contest.

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