For as long as I can recall, Richard Feare sat in section three. Since the first grade,in P.S. 173, classrooms were typically divided into three sections, probably for teachers to subtly discern between bright, average and dull students. The division, however, was not particularly deceptive. It was, in fact, transparent, and perhaps, sadly, not only to those in section one. 1
Richard was a small, dark haired, quiet boy, with few friends, but not necessarily unintelligent. Slow perhaps. His banishment each year to section three might have been due in part to a certain dullness he evinced. When the teacher left the room, if only for a moment, and the class was quick to combust into a frenzy of chaos, Richard would sit with his hands folded on his desk. He may have been the only one. And perhaps because he had no friends to talk with, he rarely talked. Wherever his mind roamed it did not seem to be anywhere within earshot of questions from the front of the room, for he never had any answers. On occasion our teacher threatened a member of another section with: “Would you like to sit next to Richard?” And some of his classmates may have laughed.2
It was in a late burst of spring May sunshine that I can vividly recall the trees lining the residential streets of Fort Washington Avenue turning green with new buds. School was out, summer was on its way, and the kids who lived north of P.S. 173 formed a long column in jubilant disarray on their way home. The post three o’ clock elation and the headiness of dismissal on this balmy day was breezing the lot of us into the carefree late afternoon, past Richard Feare’s place, a ground floor dwelling in an apartment building, off the street.3
The moment would not have been notable. And the spot would not have been remarkable. It would have been as it was on any other day standing beyond the shade of the trees and stopping the sunshine on its own, but for a crowd on the sidewalk around the door of the Feare apartment. In the street was a large white ambulance with all its sharp, terrifying markings. Its rear doors gaped to reveal shelves, canisters and frightening equipment, even emitting the faint, odd, antiseptic smell of a sterile but complicated emptiness.4
Richard had not yet arrived home, but was only moments away. He appeared in time to see the attendants leaving his apartment, carrying the stretcher with his mother on it. He ran up to the onlookers and burst into a torrent of tears, then stood, obedient, but trembling, as one or two from the crowd spoke to him, consoling; as his mother was lifted through the ambulance doors.5
The word spread quickly, finding its way to the ears of the now inordinately quiet eight year olds; Richard’s mother had suffered a heart attack. In time, she came back home but since that afternoon there was something different about Richard.6
Something had changed about that block, about balmy spring afternoons, about mothers, about our expectation of the carefree, easy, flow of events. About unimpeded fun. 7
Author notes
What marks the moments of our first painful steps into life's process of growing up? This is one of those brief but memorable moments.
A contest entry
- Tell me a short story! by Quixotic.
350 points, ended May 31, 17 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short stories! by Ary.
350 points, ended September 9, 23 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Pack a punch!! by Kirin.
275 points, ended October 9, 19 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 62 of 62
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This is cool
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I liked that a lot, it can be quite harsh when you have that 'revelation' moment that life isn't always going to stay the same and that we all eventually have to grow up. I liked how you put so many 'things' in to one piece without it feeling crowded. (Like the last comment said..) "A little story that says a lot"
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Its hard to believe that this is less than 500 words long. There's a hell of a lot in here; social/mental divisions, social commentary, even high drama. A little story that says a lot. Its deep, yet for all that is very...everyday in its subject matter. And importantly identifiable, we all know/have known the little quiet kid-and seen the change. Musing about what caused the flip, well again its something that we all have done...The title is Richard Feare, however this story/thought isn't really about a definate person, its more a symbol of losing innocence. The mother having a heart attack could have well as been a father being caught cheating. Importantly though, it never loses sight of its smaller, personal meaning: we're always interested in the character.
So concise, and meaningful-without getting too deep
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The division of the classroom into sections one, two and three really struck me. How AWFUL. And the public shaming of children like Richard just because they're quieter and slower...! I am indignant.
That ambulance and Richard's mother being taken away on a stretcher was somehow very dramatic. I felt quite a chill of horror and dread for the boy and longed to put my arms around him.
Excellently well told story. And I think there is more than one meaning to this story!
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I enjoyed reading this piece. It's amazing how each one of us has 'special' memories of our childhood that stay with us throughout our lives.
. Rewarded 4
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Whoa. Nice. I know the sort of moment you mean. Over time, somehow, eventually, they all add up to make you grown up...
I liked the suddenness of the event, even with the bit of leadup. I think I might have enjoyed a teensy bit more right at the end, but I guess I'll never know.
. Rewarded 6
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awesome
SWEET
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Very nicely done! After all those descriptions about the class activities and people making fun of Richard, the ending just slapped me in my face. Good luck in the contest! Keep Writing!!
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well captured story.
I guess we all have a memory or memories which we want to either write as a memoir or fictionize. I found this very well told(I am beginning to expect this)and composed with confidence aware as your are of your writing skills.
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This was an amazing piece! It's touching and real. I like how you described the impact it had on a bunch of 8 year olds, well done! The attention to details (the class being split up in 3 sections) is good, and adds to the overall quality of the story. Grammar and spelling were all good!
Thanks for entering and good luck!
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GA you always write wonderful stories.
This is one of them.
It's beautiful.
And well, I agree with Plumeister.
This is wonderful!
Thanx for entering
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Hey Gary,
this was a good coming of age account of how life conspires to "grow us up", realizing that life is not all fun and games. I liked the class portrait and how you implied Richard's person via his means of interaction(or lack thereof) to those around him. I like best of all the message that everyone hurts, has pain and that in our interactions we should consider that we know nothing of the trials those around us bear, and to always try and be considerate and supporting. You write well, Gary.
The line about breezing the lot of you into the carefree afternoon was very well done. Nice job, Gary. I would like to have seen more, as it seemed to end abruptly. But sometimes succinct is the best way to make a point without belaboring it.
al
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This was very good...a few grammatical errors, but nothing that hindered. I loved the storyline and emotion, as well as the environmental setting..flow was wonderful...thanks for entering! Durian
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Congratulations on a truly remarkable, rememerable, but most of all beautiful piece. Your topic is something that now I think about often. What are the stories of those children we thoughtlessly banish to the backs of the classroom just because they dare not to speak?
♥S
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Good! very good in fact! You are a very good writer.
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"And perhaps because he had no friends to talk with, he rarely talked". I would change this to "Perhaps because he had no friends, he rarely talked." ~ "The moment would not have been notable. And the spot would not have been remarkable." this I would change to " The moment would not have been notable; the spot not so remarkable..... and so on. "In time, she came back home but since that afternoon there was something different about Richard." to "In time, she came back home; since that afternoon something was different about Richard.". Ok I hope you don't mind the suggestions ~ I wish someone would do those for my writes Anyhoo ~ this is wonderful and heartwarming, poor Richard. Keep writing my friend I look forward to more about Richard.
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this wass fantastic but i wish you would have carried it on as it was quite easy to begin with and it was intresting for some reason i want to know more about richard as he grows up and how his life turns out to be with no mother.
this is a great peice and you have a talent for writing well done! -
its interesting and makes me want to know more about richard by the way im new here and im a.i
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You have a voice for memoir - I hope you keep journals and write memoir pieces often. The construction of this was great - it progressed, in one direction, without the circularity that so many memoir pieces try to use. The only think I might suggest is that you sum everything up almost too tidily in the last paragraph - or at least, too quickly. It's obviously an important moment, but you spend infinitely more time on the lead up to the moment than on the moment and its consequences. Just a thought. Anyways, really quite nicely done. Congrats on a great piece!
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Wow! I don't know what else to say. This story was remarkable. I just felt this, I don't what you'd call it, connection maybe, to him. You made me fall in love with your character, where I felt for him. Which, due to the fact that this is a shorter piece and has no dialogue is excellent. YOud did a really great job on this. I loved it. God Bless!
. Rewarded 6
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How are you able to remark upon the intangible complexities of young life with such brilliant clarity and insight? The process of growing up is a mystery to us all because, while we barely understood it then, we have since lost the faint grasp upon it with time. You are right though, 'painful steps' is more literal than it might be thought, we really do meet the harsh reality of life in stages - a relentless series of events that challenge and move us. The way you described this one example suddenly illuminated so many events of my own life. At first, I couldn't help but feel sorry for Richard, but after that last paragraph I realised (perhaps in a rather depressing tone) that feeling sorry for him is pointless as his experience is another 'fact of life' that affects each one of us at some stage in our existence.
"Its rear doors gaped to reveal shelves, canisters and frightening equipment, even emitting the faint, odd, antiseptic smell of a sterile but complicated emptiness" is by far my favourite quote, perhaps because you reminded me exactly how I used to view such things.
I hate it when my comments do little but massage the author's ego and offer no creative critique, but the sophistication of your language can not be touched without brandishing the confusion of opinionated preferences. Well done, this is an incredible piece of work.
- CC
. Rewarded 8
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Right ok, I was a bit confused at the beginning but after reading it a couple of times I think i know what you mean. I like the way you've described Richard, it makes the reader feel really sorry for him especially at the end of paragraph 2.
I like it though, it's short and simple but well written.. Rewarded 6
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I found this to be a very well constructed piece. Setting the scene with Richard as the social 'outcast' of the class was extremely good writing. The ending was quite shocking and a surprise. As I read, I assumed your story was going a certain way, but it never did, that's skillful writing.
It made me think about my distant childhood. I also thought about Richard, I bet this didn't change a thing at school, not one tiny bit.
. Rewarded 8
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Hmm. I like your writing style, but I feel something's a bit amiss here. The description of Richard doesn't really speak to me of a joyful or well-liked child. And because of that, the last paragraph sort of feels off to me.
. Rewarded 4
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Wow, simple, straight forward, and quite frankly brilliant. Not over described, but not vauge. Just the right amount of words, and the perfect words at that. Very good job.
. Rewarded 4
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The very simplicity and scarceness of your text reinforces the emotional content.
Gary, I do believe you are one of those ancient storytellers who carried yarns in their minds from village to village (re-born of course) to entertain and teach. The very simplicity and scarceness of your text reinforces the emotional content.
I think you intended Richard to be symbolic of childhood, which is such a small period of our lives but does so much to mold the adult.
We start out seeing a sad little fellow; we all went to school with an oddball (me) the kid who always sat apart. No one found time for them except perhaps to tease or torment. Even the adults like teachers were uncaring.
The oddball just plods along managing to survive. Then something happens. In this case his Mother’s illness that shocks him and those associated with him. Will it make a change in the way he sees life, or change the way others treat him? While you don’t tell more, I would like to assume it does.
Now that I know how, I’m going to see what everyone else has to say. (smile) You certainly have an entourage.
Geri
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It feels like...you're trying to show how unpredictable life is. And that it can happen to anyone. Anyone at all. Death of a person you love. I've been close enough to one. Too close. Way too close. I can understand how Richard felt. I'm contented with being naive at the moment. Everyone dies eventually but I always say to myself, "Not yet." I'm not good at thinking ahead of time. What comes, comes. I'll deal with it when I HAVE to. Not too soon nor too late. It is an irresponsible notion, but it's who I am. ^_^ I know that this story stands for the experiences that ppl go through as they grow up but all that I could focus on at the momement, is death. It's good that Richard's mother did not die. It cheered me up! XD
Excellent and thoughtful. You're definitely a DIAMOND. Lol. XD A particularly sparkly one~
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Love it!
Ditto to pretty much all the comments so far! -
This is a very powerful peice. You took something that could happen to anyone and made it into a story that leaves a mark on peoples hearts. very good.
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I think you really capture the cruelty of children and teachers alike, and the words you use are really cool, I like how you don't dumb it down at all, it really helps bring the images to mind very vividly.
I think what you say is very true, and as it is applies to many people who read it, makes me think of my own loss of innocence moment.
Coolness.
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nicely done
This is the first piece I've read of yours. What more can be said that hasn't already?? As a newbie, I'm learning by reading your story and the comments it elicits. I look forward to reading more.
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What more can be said that hasn't already??
Probably plenty. I've never met a story on which I couldn't comment! You'd be surprised!
Don't be so modest! After all, stories aside, I guess there's nothing left for ANY of us to say about ANYthing...I mean...it's ALL already been said...hasn't it? Hasn't it?
GA
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< And in the words of King Richard:
"O, who can hold a fire in his hand?"
Thanks much...again.
GA -
This comment is from JAREDACTYL; had been inadvertently erased.
commented on Richard Feare
This is an excellent piece, Gary. It starts of extremely strong, with excellent descriptions of Richard and his niche in both life and this community. Your word choice is divine, and you bring the reader to a place of great interest through it.
I believe the strength seems to fizzle out at the end, and I think there are several ways you can tighten things up.
First, you describe this piece with the following: "What marks the moments of our first painful steps into life's process of growing up? This is one of those brief but memorable moments."
I feel like I know a lot about Richard, but not enough about what he is experiencing as he is witnessing this event. As a reader, I am thirsting for the emotions, the thoughts going through his head, the sights, the sounds...his entire experience at this moment he watches his mother taken away from him. This is hard to accomplish with your narrative point of view...but if you switch to an omniscient view, and eliminate the two "I"s which establish your narrative as such, you can easily bring it to a point where the reader can experience both what Richard is going through AND what the changing environment of the block for those who are not as intimately involved in this.
After all the development of his character, there is a simple wrap-up at the end which I don't necessarily, as a reader, feel is necessary. There is no resolution in the day of Richard's life, and the reader does not expect there to be. This is simply a day out of his life... it is a page ripped out of the novel of his existence. To be left with the eerie and mysterious environment of the neighborhood at that moment, in a strong end, would be more than sufficient for this style.
Once again, kudos for your descriptions! I look forward to seeing how this piece evolves!
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I througherly enjoyed this. Everything in this piece is done wonderfully. The charcter descriptions (or rather, the characteristic descriptions), the artisic flow of words and sentences, and eventually the meaning, all are great.
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This might be my favorite piece by you. It's so sweetly picturesque, you could just see Richard as every quiet lonely boy in every school. These things, quiet and misunderstood are really the defining moments in a child's life when mortality meets the eternal certainty of childhood... Beautiful, really. Only criticism I have at all is the last paragraph. I'm not going to ask you to blatantly state the feelings of each character, but it did seem unforgivingly abrupt. Maybe add just one more sentence to help downshift, if we're talking car metaphors now. As it is I love the last two sentences. Lovely, the whole piece, quite so.
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Great piece of writing! The unpredictability is wonderful and the change it brought about to the character, the story, and of course to the reader is profound.
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< Richard thanks you!
Jare, Thank you for the incisive and lengthy comments.I might say, however, so far as Richard goes, although he has the eponymous role in the tale, he is merely an instrument, and the story is more about what transpired than its effect on Richard. It is more about an event that had its effect on all of us...not just "us" in the story, but all of us as we grow in this life. Richard, although it shook him momentarily from his doldrums, isn't that important, although he had to be a sympathetic and "interesting" (though dull) character to be moved, perhaps changed...to have grown.... It is the sudden, tragic, unexpected event that plays no favorites...that robs the child in us (as long as it persists) of his or her carefree expectation, his or her open, unfettered joys. So...to "develop" Richard any more than he is already, I feel is unnecessary. The lad has served his puspose. There are far too many events, epidoes and people to move on to. Thanks so much for stopping by...and the thoughtful words.
GA -
Good story
I was wondering if Richard's relationship with his classmates changed? Were they kinder or more accepting? Was he bolder or even more timid? In the story you said Richard changed. I was wondering how he changed. I really enjoyed the story, I guess I just wanted more.. Rewarded 6
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It wasn't so much Richard...
Sometimes we have to look a little further. I'm glad everyone was so concerned with Richard...but the change the author was concerned with here...was a more universal, far reaching change. Read some of the comments I addressed. Richard was only a symbol...an example on which to focus. The event which occurred in this story had a further reach than poor Richard. Please read these things less superficially...more carefully.
GA
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provocative
Gary: You know I tend to be enthralled with your writing. I was less concerned about who Richard was as a person than the fact that he like myself and most other people have experiences that can change their lives, so to speak. These experiences are more powerful when we are younger and more naive about the world and naive as to what events are out there that we have yet to meet. Your story had impact on me because it brought to mind my own experience in which I encountered for the first time, at about the age of 9, a friend whose mother had just died. And at 10, when my father had his first heart attack and I realized, again for the first time, that he could die.
It would seem that such experiences could change our lives forever, but don't all new
experiences do that? It is just a matter of degree and significance.
As a friend, and admittedly biased, I am, as usual, most impressed with your way with words. As an afterthought, I would add that your memory of what were probably trivial or insignificant events to me, is amazing. The story left me thinking that I might very well have been with you that day as you briefly stopped in front of Richard's street-level front door. Ross
. Rewarded 8
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Dearest Gary,
You have received some amazing comments, and i am glad you are receiving the attention you deserve!
Now it is time for my comment, which ofcourse, is the only one that counts. Because you know, i'm awesome like that
This was another fantastic piece! You never cease to amaze me Gary, and the messages your works contain are amazing.
You have a way of portraying life itself by simply telling a story. The little snippets of life are what so many tend to overlook, and you, with your amazing talent, make your readers realize just how important they really are. They are, after all, what make us who we are.
I love how many of your stories, such as this one, do not require the use of the words "I am" or "I felt" in order to make the reader feel. Rather, you do this by simply telling the story as it is, and making your scenery and characters so vivid, the reader has no other choice but to become emotionally involved.
You do not describe Richard very much in this story, which is the main reason it effected me so much. He reminds me of Daniel, a young man who sits with our group of friends at lunch time.
He rarely speaks, and is very quiet, sometimes slow, but not untintelligent. He is RICHARD!
The problem is, he does not include himself in the group, and therefore is often ignored, sometimes laughed at and made fun of. If someone is away we usually ask where they are. If Daniel is away however, nobody notices... except me.
Neither of us know much about him, and nobody seems to really bother. I sometimes do, but it is hard at times. He doesnt make it easy.
(I have a point, bear with me
!)
We were sitting in art one day and Daniel had his head on the table. My friend Phoenix yelled out from the other side of the class "DANIEL! Stop bludging!"
I told her to leave him alone, but she said louder "I dont care! If he fails it only makes ME look better!"
After class i took Phoenix aside and said "Look, dont say things like that to Daniel. He may be quiet, and he may not show emotion, but i'm sure he took offense to what you said. We don't know what goes on in Daniel's life, he could be miserable, depressed, and we'd never know, because rather than inquire, we simply ignore him... or make fun of him..."
She understood, and said i was right, so i asked her to apologise to him.
She did, and the next day i saw the two sitting together and laughing. It literally warmed my heart and i spent the rest of the day smiling.
It is horrible to know that it takes a tragic incident in order to make a person such as Richard noticeable. I'm sure if his mother hadn't died, his tale would not have been told.
Small things impact lives greatly, it is a shame we overlook them...
Again, i am sorry about the rant, and i hope i am not wayy off with this.
Keep writing Gary, your messages have a greater impact on me than you think, as i am sure is the case with many of your other readers.
I am glad i read this!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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Some of my poor characters!
Glad you read it too! Of course, you "got it" and more.(read on) You are a most perceptive reader, to be sure. But the MOST revealing of this was when you said: "you do not describe Richard much in this story, which is the reason he affected me so much." A purposeful device on my part, and I'm glad you noticed. Again, sometimes Less is More!
By the way, I never killed the mother off (lol!)...I didn't wish to resort to that kind of manipulation. But, you are not the first to make that error (leap?) and I have no other choice now but think it is simply further evidence of my descriptive powers (lol!)(readers come out thinking things happened that did not!)
Thanks,
GA
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Tantalizing
Makes me really wonder about how Richard changes afterward, and I was pretty hooked but confused about "unimpeded fun." Is that a suggestion that Richard's mother held him down, and now he's free to run wild? Either I misread or the line isn't clear enough.
. Rewarded 6
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It Should be CLEAR
No,my dear. To IMPEDE means to stand in the way of. To stop. "Unimpeded" means not interfered with...not stopped. Therefore, without care...like the line says: CAREFREE...easy, flowing fun! (What could be clearer?)So UNIMPEDED fun does NOT indicate or suggest that Richard's mother will be allowing him to "run wild!" Where in the world did you get this from? Please read more carefully. It isn't all THAT difficult. I try to be clear. And the LINE is certainly clear. You indeed misread it. Although just HOW is unclear to ME!
GA
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I can't help but wonder, what was the effect of that incident. Richard's character/background is wonderfully detailed and I was drawn into the story. However, the end left me unsatisfied with "what then?" and "so?" ricocheting around my brain.
To me this story seems like a beginning. A well-written and engaging beginning, but a beginning nonetheless. I want more.
Gimme.
. Rewarded 8
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Almost everyone is ok!
Your "Gimme" comment was funny. I have gotten many similar on the story "LUCKY." But, please, let me caution you to something, Nocturne. Most of what is essential, relevant and pertinent is already in the story. The caution lies herein: If you bother yourself about, and obsess over that which you suddenly take to carry some significance...you are bound to miss what moved the author and what the writer abstracted from the event to convey. So work with what is there. And...if you want more ("gimme") try one or two of the others! (lol). (And so far as Richard, far as I recall, he survived...as did his mother...for a time! I don't clearly know about the writer!)
GA
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Absolutely fabulous, as always.
You perfectly portrayed what kind of split-second event could change a child's way of viewing life forever. I have a good friend who lost their mother at a very young age (she shall remain nameless) And she always seemed more in tuned to the world's vast number of imperfections than the rest of us, a bit more matured than she should be.
Children should never be forced to grow up too fast. They need to savor childhood in order to have a full adulthood, or at least that's my opinion.
I love this story to bits, although I think it could have been less chaste. You probably could've added in a little more emotion on Richard's part, but that in itself is my old complaint.
Lovely Wonderful, keep up the good work!. Rewarded 8
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Sometimes Less is More (more or less!)
What more, emotionally, could you want though...than in your own words: "a split second event that could change a child's way of viewing life FOREVER!"...what more than: "burst into a torrent of tears, and stood obedient, but trembling?"
Anyway, thanks for reading and for the kind words. ALWAAAYS...appreciated! And...nice to see you!
GA -
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Well, I think that's the point right there "Burst into a torrent of tears, and stood obedient, but trembling" Is simply one sentence.
What I'm saying here, if not to impose to terribly, is that the story could have gone on longer than it's given 400 such words.
Again, just an opinion. Not to offend.
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Wow. I can see why you came so highly recommended! Seriously. I asked some of the greeters who they thought was good...and they really liked you. Well, I do too! I love your way with words and how you lace them together, creating a world of your own. Man, you're great!!!!!!!!!!!!
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In Good With the Right People
Thanks, Phantom, for stopping...for reading...and for the kind and magnanimous words. I'll certainly try to live up...and write up to it!
See you soon!
GA
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The emotion in this is so thick, I feel like I could reach out and touch it. Did this happen to you, or did you bear witness to it? You seem to be very, very comfortable writing this, and therefore it makes me feel like you've had some experience with either the boy involved or were that kid, or...something of the sort.
It also broke my heart, because I can vividly remember my OWN mother being carried out of the house on a stretcher - and how my life changed after that. 'Unimpeded fun' indeed.
I thoroughly enjoyed this, as I have enjoyed all of the work I had read by you. You're inspiring, to say the least. Reading your work makes me want to be a better writer!
Sky. Rewarded 8
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The GREATEST COMPLEMENT
Thank you for stopping to read this...and for the kind, warm and moving words. But, Sky, most of all...MOST of ALL...to have "inspired" you to want to be a better writer...! For me, there could possibly be NO greater complement...nor greater purpose in my writing here. (I should have this embroidered on a pillow! lol!) Thank you. Although after reading your comments I'm not so sure there is that great a disparity between my talents and yours.
Best,
Gary Alexander
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This sounds very real life to me. Did this happen to someone you knew? I liked how you snuck in smell in there, although I thought you could have used it in a lot of other places, classroom, outside.
This was very realistic.
~*Brooke*~
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I don't know Gary, although I liked parts of this one on the whole I don't like it at all...
Certainly, the beginning with the three sets of students is interesting and paints a vivid picture and established a lot of things like mood, a whole class full of potential characters and time.
-the transition paragraph between this picture and the ambulance had a lot of awkwardness in it. Read it by itself and tell me if you see it, does it really strengthen and forward your story?
The ambulance is probably the next best part of this--very fearsome, just the way a kid would evaluate it. Not sure about the last word there, would a kid see it as emptiness or as the gaping maw of a monster (fear) that eats people? Honestly though, my son doesn't fear them at all, he thinks they are cool and knows all about them helping sick people and taking them to the doctor to make them better. It would make more sense for a kid with a parent who has been repeatedly in the hospital and sick to find them terrifying and fear them taking someone they love away....just my thoughts though!
I too found the word "torrents" to be a little over the top, but I can understand who a boy would cry seeing his mother being hauled away and sick. He'd probably also kick and scream and try to go with her...
I didn't like I think the point-of-view...either I'm a kid in the class throughout watching this as his friend or enemy (or some other believable reason for me to care, know and evaluate this) for the whole time or I'm the kid, or I'm the narrator telling the story as a story...there are bits of each in this throughout. The narrator interruption at the end really bothered me the most.
All that said, your voice shines through and I still love the memory snippet style!
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Oh Yeah?!
I looked at the "transition graph" between the top and the ambulance...and find no awkwardness. Something must be bothering you specifically about it...but I don't know just what it is. Sorry about the "torrents" of tears...but the kid was hysterical and miserable...though somewhat controlled and reserved. It described it for me. My POV, sorry to be defensive, is mine...all the way...and doesn't waver. Show me where it does. I don't hear it. I'm very careful about that. And...the narrator did NOT "interupt." The narrator never left! I know. I was the narrator! lol!
Thanks for the thoughts. Always appreciated.
GA
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I like how you write, and that particular moment picked out to portray. It's special.
" ...emitting the faint, odd, antiseptic smell of a sterile but complicated emptiness. "
That's an awesome image. Everything's cold and dark at the end, I felt that, but I sort of want to know the rush of details on how Richard suddenly changed for that moment.
"Unimpeded fun" is vague to me, so I'm relating it to the "carefree, easy" flow of his life beforehand. Okay, good, I'm set.
I hope Richard won't hurt himself.
. Rewarded 8
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Wonderful
I think this is masterful writing. My only suggestion is that boys don't cry certainly not a torrent of tears. But the description of a childs awakening to the harshness of life is inspired and brilliant. What happened to Richard I ask?. Rewarded 4
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Believe me, Richard Wept!
Thanks for the comment and kind words. You mentioned that "boy's don't cry torrents"...Richard did. It was something that struck me...something which I will never forget...something which really, for a quiet "dullish" boy, heretofore seemingly devoid of emotion, defined this story. The grief...the potential to suffer pain that lies dormant in ALL of us!
Thanks,
GA
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