Double-O Squirrel

00 Squirrel was just putting the finishing touches on his report when the phone on the desk rang. 1

"Hello?" he said into the handset.2

"00Squirrel, we have another mission for you," said a rough, gravelly voice on the other end.3

With a sigh, 00 ran his paw over his face and asked, "What is it this time?"4

"There is a settlement in Big Woods, called Cluster Pines, have you heard of it?"5

"Ah, yes, I have heard of it. What is my mission?" he asked, drumming his fingers on the desktop impatiently.6

"Someone there has been stealing folks' food supplies and leaving no tracks. You are the best agent we've got. We need you to go and find out who is doing this and bring him or her in," replied the voice. (For as long as he had been an agent, he had never known the voice as anything other than simply that.)7

"Alright, just how many people have had food stolen?" he asked.8

"Three, so far, and we are afraid there may be more soon," replied the voice, "so you'd better get a move on."9

"Yes, I will," answered 00, "just as soon as I file this paperwork from the last case. The worst part of this job is the paperwork." 10

He sighed heavily as he hung up the phone. Then he gathered his papers and quickly finished putting them in order. He walked over to the filing cabinet and pulled open a drawer, stuffing the papers in haphazardly. 11

"There," he said with finality, "I'll straighten you out when I get back."12

He switched off the lights and walked out, shutting and locking the door behind him. 13

On his way to his house to take a shower and pack, he spotted a car coming around a curve and darted behind a tree, peaking out at the car from behind it. It drove on by, so he came out of hiding and scurried on, anxious to be home. Soon, another car came by, and he darted behind another tree. He always did that. Ever since he was young, he had done it, and no one knew why. That was why they had decided he was perfectly fit for the Squirrel Intelligence Agency.14

When he arrived home, he took his shower quickly, and packed a few clothes in an old paper sack he had found along the road one day. Then he set out for the Big Woods. 15

It was a long trip on foot, so he hitched a ride on the back of an unsuspecting motorist's vehicle, and jumped off when the car stopped at an intersection near the Big Woods. Then he set off in the direction of the settlement, walking at a brisk pace. He was anxious to be there and get the job over with so he could have a vacation. 16

Along a narrow trail into the woods, he met a lady skunk. He stopped and looked at her warily. When she didn't make any threat to spray him, he spoke.17

"Hello, I am Gray Squirrel, and I am interested in the food that has been disappearing around here. Have you heard anything about it?"18

The lady answered him in a high, nasal voice, "I am Sally Skunk. I have heard of it. Barbara Chatter has had an awful time of it after their food went missing, trying to take care of her three young. I saw a shadow sort of thing sneaking around Mrs. Hedgehog's place the other night. I thought she was coming out to use the privy, but the next morning, she was making such a fuss, we all went to see what it was about, and she said someone had stolen every morsel of food she had. Perhaps you should talk to her." 19

With that, the lady skunk turned around and headed in another direction, her tail up, and her nose held high in the air, snootily.20

"Thank you, I shall certainly speak to Mrs. Hedgehog," he said to the wind as he watched her go.21

On he went, as the day became afternoon. Soon, he was at the settlement in the Big Woods. There were ten hollow trees forming a nearly perfect circle in the middle of a clearing at the center of Big Woods. 22

In front of a bush off to the left, was a sign that read: "Mrs. Hedgehog, 101 Blackberry Bramble Lane." 00 headed over and knocked at the small door he found. It opened slowly and a small nose poked out.23

"Yes?" said a timid voice.24

"Ma'am, I am Agent Gray Squirrel, and I am investigating the food disappearances. May I ask you a few questions?"25

"Oh! Of course, come in," replied the little hedgehog.26

00 Squirrel followed her inside her house. They went down a narrow hall and into a small parlor which was hung with pictures and paintings of hedgehogs with sour expressions and furnished with horsehair sofas, chairs, and ottomans, tables made of twigs, and a huge curio cabinet made out of two cinder blocks that must have been awful to move.27

"Please, sit down," said Mrs. Hedgehog.28

00 sat and began the questioning. First he asked her if she had seen or heard anything strange the night her food had gone missing. Her reply was negative, so he asked her if she had seen anyone suspicious around the neighborhood. No, she hadn't seen anyone out of the ordinary, unless you counted Mr. Owl, who hunted only at night, and therefore was looked askance at anyhow. After a few more questions, 00 determined that she didn't have any further information for him, so he took his leave and went in search of the mayor.29

As he was walking down the path toward the town, he heard the small, timid voice of Mrs. Hedgehog behind him. 30

"Mr. Squirrel? Mr. Squirrel, I forgot to tell you, the Chatters live in that tree over there," she pointed out a hollow tree across the way. "They are chipmunks, but they are good people. They had their winter food supply stolen too. Mrs. Chatter is so upset. She doesn't know how she will feed her children this winter."31

"Thank you, Mrs. Hedgehog," said 00, "I will be sure to talk to Mrs. Chatter. You have been very helpful."32

00 set off in the direction she had pointed. He was going to get this case solved and out of his way so he could have that vacation! As he neared the Chatters' tree, he saw a small chipmunk playing in the yard. 33

"Hi! I'm Timmy, who're you?" asked the little boy.34

"I'm Gray. Can I ask where your mother is, young man?"35

"Oh, she's in the tree. She's been crying all day and she says she just doesn't know what to do. I wish I could CATCH that thief! I'd BEAT him up for making my mom cry!"36

00 smiled and thanked the boy, then climbed to the door of the tree and knocked. 37

"Come in," said a weepy voice.38

"Hello, Ma'am, I am Agent Gray Squirrel, investigating the food disappearances. Can I talk to you for a moment?"39

"Of course, but I don't know anything," said Mrs. Chatter hopelessly, "I don't know how I will feed my babies!" she almost wailed and nearly began to cry again.40

"Mrs. Chatter, I am here to help. Please calm down, and we will try to get to the bottom of this. Maybe we can get your food back."41

This visibly calmed the lady, and she sat down to answer his questions. 00 began to ask again the questions he had put to Mrs. Hedgehog, and he got the same results. Mrs. Chatter knew nothing. With a sigh, 00 stood up and prepared to leave. 42

"Thank you for your time, Mrs. Chatter. I hope to have this case solved as soon as possible."43

As he was leaving, he was accosted by little Timmy Chatter again. The lad wanted to help him solve the mystery, and would do anything to be included. 44

"I am sorry, Timmy, but it is too dangerous for a little guy like you. I'll tell you what. You do as your mother tells you, and eat all your peanuts, and when you get big and strong, you can go to detective school like I did and then you get to solve your own cases like this one."45

"Really? Cool!" said Timmy, and he set about playing "detective" with a vengeance.46

As 00 Squirrel went on with his investigation, he found that no one knew anything but that the food was missing and there was a shadow hanging around the tree house where it came up missing, just before it did. He had taken to keeping a list of suspects in his notebook, and consulting it, he found that everyone in town had his or her name on the list.47

Soon, he decided this would not do. He had been in town for two days and no progress was being made on the case. He planned a stake-out at a hollow tree which had not yet been hit, and had a big supply of nuts, and dried fruits and berries for the winter. That night, he sat up in the shadows of the storage room waiting. Nothing. The next night, he sat up again. The next night, he did the same, and the next, and the next. On the sixth night, the thief struck. The trap was sprung. 48

"Stop, thief!" 00 shouted and pointed his gun at the culprit. 49

The lights came on and he was surprised to be standing there looking at a weasel. The weasel looked at him and sneered.50

"So ya got me... now what're ya gonna do wit me?" he said. 51

"What is your name?" asked 00.52

"Willy... it's Willy Weasel, an' I don' live 'roun' 'ere, so ya won' find anythin' about me from the neighbors."53

"So I have found," said 00 wryly, "Well, Willy Weasel, you have the right to remain silent. You have the right..."54

And so, 00 Squirrel caught his man. Willy Weasel went to jail and then to prison after being found guilty of "grand theft walnut." And 00 got to go on his vacation after all.55