The Experiment

Like most people in the world, you have fear. You have horror and you have pain. But for Daniel and Marcus Rain, life is full of more pain and horror than you can imagine.

You see, their Father had been a great and well known scientist. He was the only one who experimented with strange and weird things. Substances that people were either too afraid to deal with, or too smart not to.

Daniel, who is the eldest boy, wants to follow in his father's footsteps and become a scientist. Marcus wants to just live life as it is. He's not sure what he wants to do. But, while he's thinking, he helps Daniel in his lab.


Though on a second thought, I don't think you could really call it a lab. It was a small section in the boys tool shed. They had their table with unknown substances at use. Their books, containing all the information they needed, for any good experiment. The windows they had painted black so no light could show through. The door had a bolt lock set upon it's front, as to be locked and closed in the daytime when no one was present. The boys were very secretive about what they did in their lab.

Whatever they did in that lab, sent their mother to worry. She was very concerned about the boy's behavior. And so out of love for them, she consulted a very well known Psychologist.

"What shall I do about my boys?" she asked softly, as if afraid someone would hear.

The doctor smiled, "What can they do?" he said, "They are just boys, experimenting in a lab. Let them be I say."

The mother agreed but was not completely set that leaving her boys alone was the best idea. What could they be doing in there?

Daniel set his eyes on the discovery, Marcus, who stood behind, gazed at the amber glow.

"Did we do it?" he asked excited. Daniel shushed him and continued to look. "Come on Daniel! Tell me!" Marcus whined.

"Shut up!" Daniel scolded, "I'm the oldest just give me a minute to think will ya?" he said breathless. Marcus shrunk back from his brother. "Sorry," was the quiet reply. Daniel went back to looking at their mysterious find. A few minutes passed before he stood and sighed, "It's not it.." he said pounding his hand upon the nearby table.

"How could we have not done it this time?" he muttered pacing across the floor. Marcus simply watched, he was too afraid to say anything.

"Maybe we need something else..." Daniel whispered. He looked to Marcus.."We have to succeed at this, it must be created." Daniel grabbed the lantern and rushed out the door, "Hurry Marcus or I'll lock you in!" Daniel spat.

Marcus shuddered at the thought of being locked in that dark shed with their half built creation. He literally sprinted from the room and out onto the soft grass. Night was now upon them, "It got late quick.." he whispered. Daniel shrugged, "So, it's not like we have anything better to do."

It was true, there were only a few children now in their small village. And not nearly enough to support a school. So therefore Daniel and Marcus did not attend school. And neither of them wanted to anyways.

Daniel trudged through the soft mud that occupied the side of their home, "Where are we going?" Marcus called out from behind him. The boys slipped in the mud several times, lucky enough to not fall.

"To see a friend of mine!" Daniel said his temper getting the better of him. Marcus could be so annoying sometimes. And Daniel often found himself wishing that he would quit following him around. But he knew how much he needed a second opinion.

The boys walked along one after the other. Marcus kept quiet in the back, making sure not to gasp or even squeak every time something moved. Ever since their father's death Marcus had been afraid of things, the dark, moving things, surprises. Anything that could go 'bump' in the night. They walked down the dark alleys of the village, down into the deepest parts and into the old abandoned shaft mine at the very edge of town. The darkness hollowed around them, making it difficult to see. Daniel led the way, the lamp shone a yellow glow just before them. Daniel stopped suddenly, "Horace?" he called out into the pitch. No answer. Again he called the name. This time a low growl was heard, a snarling beast had to be somewhere within that dark. Daniel looked frozen, like stone.

"Don't move.." he said kindly. Marcus closed his eyes and stood completely still. Whatever was there he knew he didn't want to see it.

Daniel stood strong and proud waiting for this familiar beast to come forth from the shadows. "Come Horace," he said plainly as if you would call out to a dog. He saw then, a figure, a lion form reproached from the shadow. A hissing sound came from his chest. The lion let out a low growl as he walked to Daniel and stood before him. The many layers of his mane could be seen in the dim light, his eyes dark hollows of nothingness. He bared his teeth with a loud roar. When the creature came fully into the dim amber light he could see the monsters true form. It appeared to have the body of a true lion, but protruding from his chest was a snake. His feet were that of a goat, his tail appeared to be ablaze with a tuft of fire. "Horace is a Chimera Marcus. Looking into his eyes is not permitted. We bow before Horace in response that we do not intend to fight. So kneel and lower your head." The two boys went down on their knees, Marcus with eyes still closed knelt swiftly resting his hands on his thighs. Daniel stole a glance of his brother, he scoffed and turned back to Horace

"Oh great and Mighty Chimera, please allow us council with your master.." The beastly chimera lowered his head and laid down beside the shafts rock wall. Daniel stood pulling Marcus along by the hand, "I thought Chimaera's didn't exist?" Marcus stuttered.

Daniel sighed heavily, "They don't, this friend were going to see created Horace He can help us with our problem."

"But we don't need anybody else..we can do it ourselves!" Marcus argued.

Daniel grabbed Marcus by the arms and looked at him, anger blazing his eyes.."I want Dad back as much as you but we need help!" he shouted. He drew back his breath and closed his eyes, "It's not wise to argue here, just be quiet and don't say anything." Daniel released him roughly, Marcus felt a swell of emotion choke him. He felt tears coming but wiped them away and said nothing more.

They walked for what seemed like ages, until finally they arrived at a wooden door. "Professor Abel?" Daniel said knocking on the door. The boys heard some clattering, glasses hitting each other, books slamming until quite suddenly the door was ripped open and the boys were pulled in by a pair of gloved hands.

"Shh.." Professor Abel said chuckling as he did so. Daniel smiled at the good doctor.

"Professor we need your help.." Daniel began. "We cannot seem to get our creation to come alive yet. I have tried every Phosphoric and Metallic I can gather. Battery power only seems to overcharge the creation, and ultraviolet simply glows. Please help us?"

Looking at the Doctor, Marcus felt for fear that he might not be running on the same loop. The smell of sulfur blended with the scent of rum. Marcus had the urge to plug his nose, or at the very least vomit from the smells emitting from the lab. The Doctor himself was a piece of work as well. Lab goggles sat upon his forehead creating, his already mangled hair to bounce in several directions. His blonde hair had a mixture of white and gray hairs fueled around them. Thick chunks could be seen underneath the collar of his lab coat. Probably from never brushing the long, untamed mane.

The doctor fumbled about with his beakers and scientific equipment, "Cannot make alive what is dead without the help of something you dread.." he said laughing hysterically.

Marcus too gave out a chuckle, Daniel looked to him, "Just wait." he stated. Daniel turned back to the Professor,

"Professor, what do I dread?" he questioned.

"You dread that which you can never get back! That which you seek but cannot be found! Yes, Yes.." His words were quick, unstable at the least.

"What is this you speak of?" Daniel asked more determined.

"A heart.." the doctor stated simply. He looked smiling at first until his smile returned to a frown and he was once again looking around his lab.

Daniel turned to Marcus, "How can you blend live flesh with Mechanics?" Marcus shrugged, Daniel nodded, "Then we must retrieve a heart!"

The doctor looked at them smiling, "Take this.." he said shoving a jar into Daniel's arms. Inside contained a perfectly lush heart. Lifting the jar to eye view they could see small vibrations, the heart suddenly moved and kept moving in a rhythmic pattern. "It's alive??" Daniel questioned.

The doctor nodded, "Sustained by electromagnetic energy!"

The boys smiled to each other and thanked the good doctor, they rushed out the door and back out the tunnel. Horace was nowhere to be seen as they passed. The boys ignored that aspect and ran quickly for home. Returning to their lab they looked upon their dream.

It sat there modeled to perfection, the skeleton made from Mechanical parts. They had built this machine themselves, this they were insistent on bringing their father back. Though it had a mechanical mind in a few years it would be the perfect replica of their father. The boys worked hard into the night, creating the perfect spot for the heart. Keeping it in a gelatin cylinder, they placed it inside the chest of their experiment. Daniel grabbed the power amps from the box underneath and connected them to the energy output box.

"When I tell you, lift this switch. Only for a couple of seconds then switch it off again. Got it?" Daniel said a thrill of excitement in his voice. Marcus nodded, "Ok."

They took their positions and Daniel lifted his arm as the signal. Cracks of lightening burst around their soon to be success. The form shifted on the table, putting it into a seizure like state. It only lasted a couple of seconds before Marcus switched it back off. They stood next to their experiment, the two boys looked to each other in hopes. Daniel stood watching for any movement at all, suddenly beside him a finger moved. "It moved! It Moved!" Daniel shouted. Marcus laughed and hurried over.

The form sat up and looked to them,

"Who am I?"

The boys both laughed in unison. They had done it, they had created a stable being!

Daniel smiled, "I wonder if we really did it." he said inspecting the lifeform.

"Do you know where you are?" Daniel asked, his voice shaky.

The being stared at them, his metallic body creaked when he moved.
"I don't know," he said.

Daniel sighed, "Come Marcus, we need to talk."

Marcus nodded and followed after his brother.

They huddled together in the far corner of the lab, "Well he's alive but he doesn't know who he is." Daniel said softly. Marcus nodded in agreement.

"I hope I did the connection properly, I had to or he wouldn't be able to speak!" he said recalling himself. Marcus didn't say anything, he was quite sure what to say.

"He has to be Dad. We did the soul transfer easily."

"Maybe it's not Dad's soul. What if it's someone else's?" Daniel said a horrified look on his face. Marcus touched his brothers arm, "We'll just have to wait and see what happens. I guess."

The boys looked back to their creation. There was so much more to do. They needed to create some form of outer skin and teach him things. How were they to do all this? Especially now that they would be going back to school? That was only two weeks away!

Daniel needed to figure something out. And soon. Daniel looked to Marcus, "He needs a name. We can't call him Dad if he doesn't know who he is."

The boys put their heads together.

"Lets call him Arturo!" Marcus said excited. Daniel nodded, "okay. I guess we can call him that."

Daniel walked over to the being. "Your name is Arturo. And I am Daniel, this is my brother Marcus."

The being smiled, "I'm Arturo." he said extending his hand.

"Well at least he knows that." muttered Daniel.

The boys went about teaching the being some things before heading back to the house. Daniel told Arturo he would have to stay put. He could not come out. Arturo nodded and stayed in the lab.

Daniel and Marcus were excited beyond their dreams. A little more work and Arturo would be their Dad again. It would take just a little more time.

Author notes

Just that I hope you enjoy this story! Comment on it please...

A contest entry

What do you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • happy go lucky13
    October 6, 2007
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    good job


  • The Poetic Prince
    October 1, 2007

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    The story was an interesting read, but some parts didn't make sence. For example "...Daniel and Marcus did not attend school." but then you say near the end "Especially now that they would be going back to school?" I thought that they weren't in school. Good luck in the contest

    beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.


  • Barbara Moderators member
    August 10, 2007
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    There isn't much to say for a critique that hasn't already been said, so I'll skip that part.

    Interesting story that has the potential to be a great tale with some polishing up and correction here and there.

    Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest.


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    August 7, 2007
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    Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering.
    ~*Brooke*~


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    August 2, 2007

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    Thanks for your entry.

    I enjoyed your story but I really wish it were more detailed. Of course you may be intending to add to it. I think it has potential to be a very in depth write. It kept my attention and made me want more details


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    July 30, 2007

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    This reminded me of Full Metal Alchemist with two young boys trying to create something.. ^_^ with the chimera and stuff.. and it's one of my my favorite animes

    I loved the beginning, I loved the middle... however, I felt someone.. disappointed with the ending.. It's like.. they just wanted to create an artificial life form? I gave them too much depth, like.. resurrecting their father or something like that.. I mean, they WERE being secretive, which made me think of that

    You have a really great idea here so.. with a minor tweaking and stuff, you could fix the small errors
    I enjoyed reading thank you for your entry and good luck with the contest ^_^

  • Danna Hobart
    July 24, 2007

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    Hi

    I am going to be helping to judge this contest. When I comment on a poem or story, it is always with the idea of making the piece publishable. I base my suggestions on things I have learned in college, through my personal reading, and through my own experience in submitting things for publication, as well as working as an editor. Your goal may not be to publish the piece though, and if that is the case, just take the critique for what it is, an opinion, which is neither right nor wrong. Take what works for you and ignore the rest.

    I ask lots of questions when I critique a story. I don’t ask them to challenge you personally, but to challenge your creativity and to help you see your story from a different perspective.

    But for Daniel and Marcus Rain, their life is full of more pain and horror than you can imagine.

    ***You don’t need the pronoun “their” in this sentence. You have already identified the subject as Daniel and Marcus Rain. Now, instead of simply saying their life is full of pain and horror, try showing the reader the kind of pain and horror they live with. What is it that makes their lives painful and horrible?

    ***The grammar needs a lot of attention. You use periods where you only need commas. This results in sentence fragments and an awkward flow. You inject pronouns such as “they” and “their” where they are not needed. Publishers hate wasted words. Sentence fragments are fine in dialogue, because people do not speak in complete sentences. But when writing descriptions and actions, you need to use proper sentences and grammar, otherwise, your reader can not suspend disbelief. ( http://www.mediacollege.com/glossary/s/suspension-of-disbelief.html )

    ***The way you phrase many things is unnatural. Try reading things aloud to yourself and you should understand what I mean by that. Smooth it out so that it sounds right to the ear.

    ***This seems like just the skeleton of a story. A lot of detail could be added to flesh it out.

    beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 2, characters: 2.


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    July 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    OK, Brittany (beautiful name)
    Vocabulary & Spelling: PSY-CHI-A-TRIST (simple)
    containing all the "KNOWLEDGE"...say: information
    not "in love" say" OUT OF LOVE FOR THEM
    say the mother CONSULTED A PSYCHIATRIST. (very few people have a "family" Psychiatrist!
    "Not completely SET..." you mean CONVINCED.
    Discovery. (period)
    He asked excitedly
    "Tell me," Marcus whined!
    "I'm older." (He wouldn't say: "I'm the eldest." (Who talks like that?)(These are two young boys. You've got to make it sound real!)
    You have "shrunk back away." All you need is Shrunk from.
    Instead of "How could we have not done it this time?" Try: "What happened this time?" (Less clumsy and verbose)
    And...you don't need all the rest of that paragraph. It slows things down. Just say: "Marcus didn't answer."
    "Neither of them wanted to ANYWAYS?" (Anyway!)(No such word as ANYWAYS...it's incorrect.
    Mud doesn't OCCUPY anything. People occupy houses...Mud might SURROUND the house...encircle the house...or phrase it differently..."Daniel trudged along the side of the house. He found himself up to his ankles in mud. OR...he trudged through the mud alongside the house.
    "Wishing he would quite following HIM around." Use his name...."following Marcus around"
    "Needed a second opinion." Bad phrase. completely out of character. Say: "But Daniel wanted to know what Marcus thought!" (Because, Brittany, people don't think like that!...("second opinion!")
    More tomorrow!
    GA



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