I didn't feel very pretty this morning. It was hard to get out of bed, so tired lately, but somehow I made it down the stairs and into the my parents bathroom. I couldn't start a day without knowing my goal, to become as this as possible, as beautiful as possible. The full size mirror flashed an unappealing image as I closed the door behind myself.1
It was never good enough. I wasn't but I would be. All I asked god was to give me one more day, before I inevitably left this hell hole, to be perfect for everyone, and it seemed obvious to me that beauty was the only thing most of society could agree on. Everything else I did got mixed results but everyone noticed when you lost weight. It's not like a story or a great poem, no one questions why or how you did it. They don't care. You're instantly an accomplished, respectable, beautiful woman. 2
"Aaaah..." Every god damned morning the same thing. It hurt so bad, the aching. A year ago my stomach wasn't so bad and I was starting to think there might be something wrong... maybe it'd kill me... it was killing me. At least the antacids were hidden right under the sink. Hiding my disease didn't phase me anymore. Secrecy had become life, vomit hidden in bags to be disposed of later was easier than running off the fat stored in my thighs. 3
Today I weigh in at 120 pounds. I know I can do better than this. I'll make everyone proud of me. I'll be a beautiful woman for someone to love someday. I'm so tired though, too tired to remember that I'm supposed to love me, to tired to remember I once existed as I slowly watch myself disappearing.4
Author notes
An inside look at anorexia nervosa through my eyes at age 16.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Don't worry. It's been a long time since I've worried about my wieght. I dont even own a scale.
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I think now is a time where there is a turning around of sorts. Although society still allows the rail thin models and such, they are becoming more and more aware of anorexia and bulimia, and more and more afraid of it. It's now coming out all over that you CAN be beautiful with thick thighs, a round tummy, a small chest. Even all three. THings are slowly getting better, and I pray that the progress will not be halted so people like the girl in your story can be helped.
Unfortunately, my weight has always been a struggle for me as well, I've had small bouts of excessive dieting, exercising, ect. Hunger in itself used to be my way of dealing wtih emotional struggles. And it is true that a lot of people noticed me at a time where my weight was bordering unheathily low. I used to get so many compliments on how I looked, my flat stomach in particular. But then I went to the doctors, found out I actually had medical problems becuase of the way I wasn't eating, and I had to turn around. And I still struggle, I still miss those compliments.
I hate to go on about stuff like this, but it's something I've dealt with so much, something I feel VERY strongly about. I know how easily it crops up, how hard it is to get rid of. Actually, one of my very first stories on here was about bulimia and anorexia, called Mirror Mirror. If you'd want to see more stuff like this, you can check it out.
I'll probably end now, but I hope to God that what you write here isn't actually what you think. If so, you are horribly mistaken.
Nice job, I believe you managed to accurately portray young women today, those who struggle with weight.
Amanda
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