There was a massive golden gate and walls that seemed to touch the white bright sky. There was no sun and no apparent clouds. It just looked as though the sky was all some kind of white light. The walls were white made of ivory or pearl. An angel dressed in white flowing garb which touched the ground stood at the gate. I was thrilled. I knew I had died and I always dreamed that I'd make it. I never really thought of myself as a super good person, but I went to church. Yes, I went to church faithfully every Wednesday and Sunday regardless of how late I might have partied the night before. Although I never, or at least rarely, intentionally did anything to hurt anyone, I did always put a little something in the offering plate and I read my Bible daily. It had paid off.1
The angel unlocked the gate and we floated inside. Telepathically he began to tell me about the place as we floated just off the ground as though we were on air. "Yours is a perfect body. You no longer have the wants and desires of the flesh. You neither excrete waste nor urinate. Your mind has been cleaned of all earthly desires and soon all your memories will be erased."2
"Will I meet my dead relatives?"3
"Some of them may be here."4
I noted that the streets were made of gold and that beautiful gems decorated the buildings which lined the street though all of them looked the same. There was no sound, no breeze, and no plants. I realized I was not breathing and without testing, I knew I had no pulse. These things did not frighten me, instead they excited me. I was there! I had made it!5
"You no longer will eat or sleep, your spiritual body has no need for either."6
"What do we do?"7
"Why, praise God, of course."8
"Oh," I said a little troubled. I had not been one to spend a lot of time praying nor was I in a habit of praising God.9
"You will feel nothing in your spiritual body. You will be perfectly clean."10
He led me to the door of one of the huge buildings, unlocked and opened the door. Inside were beautiful golden columns and white walls. Walking around with expressionless faces were hundreds of people in the same white robes as I now and my guide were wearing. I felt deep sadness and remorse as I asked, "How long will I be here?"11
"Until your life force is needed elsewhere."12
"Is this Heaven?"13
"Heaven? No, of course not. Do you not recall that it was written that Jesus said 'Heaven is at hand.' Earth was your heaven."14
"Will I be able to go back?"15
"Perhaps," he said. "Now it is time to erase your memory and for you to begin praising God."16
"No!" I screamed. "NOOOO...!"17
Author notes
Snuggly Bear
Andy Stephenson
A contest entry
- deep thinkers by Elvenfairy.
180 points, ended October 20, 2007, 19 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SCAREY ME, if you can. :) by Jennywinnie.
550 points, ended October 13, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quicky heaven by plurangel.
600 points, ended October 23, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - From the Realms of Heaven and Hell by Rachel Westwood.
525 points, ended July 29, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me something WEIRD! by ToxicXxXTomatoes.
120 points, ended August 12, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short and Sweet by WritersEffigy.
175 points, ended October 24, 25 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 89 of 89
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This was a top little story about going to heaven, and i really thought it was super when you realised what you had to spend your time doing. That was quite funny. You expected a lot more. The conversation you had with the Angels was very realistic and true to form for you. When you said there were no plants, i immediately knew that something was afoot. You explained everything so well and i could just see everything and everyone just as you described them. They really looked lost in that darn room. What difference is that from being in hell...At least there you get to dance a lot...LOL!!! A top write with a little moral sitting there if one dares to look close enough.
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Hi Condor
This story was fun and is a spoof of the traditional Christian view of heaven. It's the old idea of 'What do you do if you get there and don't like it?' Anyway, I had fun writing it. I'm glad you had fun reading it.
Thanks for all the applause.
Andy
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In the first paragraph you need to change up the punctuation when you say "i never really thought of mysself as a super good person, i went to church."
I certainly hope this isnt your interpritation of the Bible... but its very creative, good job
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Thank You!
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. It is a different view intended to be humorous. It's not my view, but it does seem that it would follow a biblical interpretation.
Thanks for pointing out that sentence.
Andy
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What a horrible idea. That would SUCK.
Thanks for entering! -
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Thanks
I hope you like this story. It's supposed to be humorous. I could enter a different story, if you like.
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Heh. Not really what I was looking for but thanks for entering and it was humorous. I say that because I was looking for really random stuff to happen but like I said, it was humorous and the ending was funny. Thanks again for entering!
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. Sorry that this story wasn't what you were looking for, but I'm glad you found it humorous.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Nice one. You surely are you. I'm happy I still live. Nice how you entwined humor and divinity
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Thank You
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased you like the story.
When you comment, if your comments are at least 100 characters in length, you'll earn points. That's about three lines.
Andy
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Hilarious.
What a lovely twist. All these commonplace conceptions turned head-over-heels, and in 435 words.
Excellent fun. -
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Thanks Again
Thanks very much for reading me and commenting. I appreciate it. I tried to take the Christian concept of heaven and turn it around. It was a fun effort. I write for fun and hope for profit.
Andy
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This was a good piece! I like how the common image of Heaven turns out to not be Heaven at all, and how it was actually Earth! Especially since we're severely taking this life and our planet for granted!
The ending could've been better, but I'm not sure how. For the rest, it was pretty OK! Thanks for entering!
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Thanks Ary
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and applauding. I'm glad you like this story. I tried to take the traditional Christian view of heaven and turn it into something horrid.
I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Aww. Everyone always leaves it at a freakin' cliffhanger. >.>
NOT COOL.
Oh well. Hehe. Great story! I really did like it ... And great luck in my contest!!
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Thank You
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
I didn't mean to cliffhang. Let's just say that their life force was left there until it was needed again, totally wiped clean to be used for a fresh start.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Oh, I do like this one. ^-^ I love the picture you paint of Heaven here, and the ideas it portrays - certainly not an image anyone would have expected when you think of Heaven. A very well written short with a very unique focus. I love it.
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Thanks
I'm very pleased that you like this little story. I tried to model this life after death view after the biblical model with a touch of dry humor. Maybe heaven ain't such a good place after all
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Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Amazing. It was thoughtful, creative, and imaginative with flawless imagery and descriptions. You are an amaazing writer.
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Thanks
I'm very pleased that you like my writing. I wish everything I wrote was good. Thanks very much for reading and commenting.
Andy
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wow. that was really good! u used a lot of good descriptions, and i could see everything in my mind! good luck and thanks for entering!
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Thanks
I just noticed that I hadn't responded to your comment. I seemed to have missed it. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
I hope you had many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Very good! Simply hot! This piece was beutifully writen and the 'jokes on you' angle tells it all with the screem! This shows that you are a free thinker with an imagination and potential up the wazoo! That means monster good! It has good joke timing too
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Thanks Max
Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. This is kind of a spoof about the biblical account of heaven in the New Testament. Thanks also for the compliments.
Andy
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Oh! I really enjoyed this and the ending was very well done, you didn't overdo it.
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Thanks Lis
Thanks very much for reading, commenting, and all the applause. It's very nice of you.
I took the biblical heaven and had a bit of fun with it. Wouldn't it be awful to be forced to praise God 24/7 in a body that could do nothing else?
Andy
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An interesting take on the theme of the afterlife. And wouldn't it be a bummer if someone got to a place like that, only to be told they left heaven behind when they die?
Well written with good atmosphere. -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. This is rather a different view of the Christian heaven, streets paved with gold and perfect bodies. I'm glad you like this story.
Andy
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Wow, this was chilling. The line 'Some of them may be here' made me think and I shuddered slightly that the thought of it. Then the twist at the end caught me off guard. The flow was great and you managed to convey a pure matter-of-fact opinion of Heaven which is interesting to read. My only critique would be that there was a lot of room for some detailed description, I know it is a short piece and it would disrupt the flow, but it would have been fun to explore inside of the gates briefly. If not to give the story a little extra flavour, then to give the reader even more to ponder upon. Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you like this little story. This heaven is similar to the Christian version, but it shows the negatives. According to this story, heaven and hell were on earth and this character is in something of a purgatory. In any case, this character's life force is prisoner(stored) until it is again needed.
Andy
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< Thanks
It pleases me greatly that you like this little short story of mine. I took an alternate view of a Christian heaven. It was fun. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you had a good contest.
Andy -
Again, well written. Not like your other stories... but I liked it. You should seriously send some of your stuff off to get published Andy.
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Thanks Ruth
You are really reading my stuff today. I appreciate it. Thanks for the comment and all the applause. Marketing is very tedious and frustrating. It is hard for me to make myself do it. I know I need to spend more time at it. I'm glad you think it is publishable.
Andy
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This piece could have been more intense. When you have the reader at the end of the story and gets introduced to the twish, it should have been more compelling. I noticed that this story was written in more of a telling style instead of a showing, maybe that's why it wasn't as shocking as it could have been.
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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The writing was clear and easy to follow, the descriptions were vivid and the dialogue perfect for the characters.
That was a unique version of the afterlife. A clever and somewhat humorous tale.
The writing was clear and easy to follow, the descriptions were vivid and the dialogue perfect for the characters.
The only complaint I have was the story ended too quickly. I would have like to travel around for a while in that perfect body, in that perfect world, and hopefully encountered God.
It would have been interesting to see our ‘Hero’s reaction first to all this magnificence, then to realize it has no substance, and to eventually decide 'this aint Heaven, lads.'
To imagine that everything we struggle all our lives for would culminate in such a wasted finale is really scary and depressing.
I loved the ending. He responded just like I would imagine a madman would.
Thumbs up,
Geri
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Thanks again Geri
Your comments and writing are both better than mine. I appreciate them. So you wanted a tour of purgatory? I gave it a brief one. I actually feel that heaven and hell are experienced on earth, but who knows; I may be quite wrong. I used to be Christian, but I have my own religion now. I am a hedonistic, pantheistic, atomistic, truist. Lol. I like myself and others much better now than I did as a Christian.
No corrections! That is surprising, but you would have liked more detail.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I'll be over later to read more of your novel.
Andy
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Nice short
This is a very nice, original short piece. The language and imagery all fulfil their purpose in plain fashion, clearing the way for the shock ending.
It reminds me of (and I thought would end similarly to) an episode of The Twilight Zone in which a gambler goes to a casino in the afterlife. He can’t lose there and asks whether he’s in Heaven, and the croupier tells him he’s in The Other Place…slowly he realises that getting everything you want (i.e. winning all the time) is his punishment. I thought you were going to do something similar. Instead, you reduced God to a praise hungry entity. Delightful wickedness.
Congratulations.
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Thanks
I was thinking that it was more like a sort of purgatory than heaven. I believe that heaven and hell are found on earth in this life. I like the Twilight Zone and I vaguely remember that segment. I'm glad you like my little story. Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it.
Andy
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oh wow!!!! this is like a scenery of a fairytale. you used so much description and imagery it was absolutely phenomenal. but wow what a twist at the end!!! you kept me on the edge of my bed with every piece u wrote. excellent job. i would love to see if there is more to this. otherwise goodluck in my contest
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and applauding my story. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased that you like this story. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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Yay!
If people can tune out everything religious and just read this for the craziest twist-story that it is, then this story could be a huge hit! I think the twist is crazy unique/amazing/genius everything, and I think you're brave for offering a view of Heaven like this. Good job, and God bless! (however ironic that may be! ^_^)
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Thanks
Thanks for taking the time to read, comment, and for all the applause. I really appreciate it. This is kind of an offbeat biblical view of heaven; praising God 24/7, perfect bodies, no needs, and streets of gold. I often wonder if Christians really want heaven, for many reasons. I'm glad that you like this.
Andy
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I liked that twist its a great read
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it.
In order to earn points on your comments, they should be at least a hundred characters in length.
I hope you enjoyed the whole thing.
Andy
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lol, that's kind of funny... i wouldn't say this is scary. perhaps to an atheist or satanist though, lol. thanks for entering.
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I hope you like the story. May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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This was a good twist. It was a very smooth read and I don't think there were any places of confusion. You have a very good way of delivering the imagery that you desire. One thing you might consider is actually showing us some short memories from the person's past to display instead of simply tell us what kind of person this is, so that the reader can make their own decision about them. They could sort of create their own reality as far as was this person really just not good enough for true heaven, and this is actually 'hell'. Or maybe this person was really good and after all of that life of service and dedication this is what he gets. Or possibly he followed all of the "rules" but didn't really perfect his soul or care about pure service to the human family and simply wanted to "look good". Anyways, there are some hints about them, but maybe if you actually showed us some incidents for this person's past we'd be able to make our own judgement about why this person received this type of afterlife. I think it's a very creative idea, and it really sent my mind wreeling! Good luck!
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. Thanks for the suggestions. I may do a rewrite later. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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lol, this had an interesting twist. It really made me laugh at the end. I loved the immagry you used in this, it was very good. I dono if I'd be blissfully happy in heaven just floating arround doing nothing but praising God. I praise God every waking moment, but I do other stuff at the same time, I'd get bored VERY fast otherwise. Hmm, I wonder if taht will mean I can't go to heaven. Well, I guess I'll find out some day, one way or another
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its well done. as a christian myself i dont know if i would agree with this, but each to their own, its an interesting concept lol. good work
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. This was just food for thought. Do Christians really want the heaven described in the New Testament? If heaven is at hand, might it not be on earth? What would you really like heaven to be? This was meant as satire. You weren't really expected to agree or disagree.
Andy
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THis is very great
this is a very very very very very great. you are very good at writing. keep this up. This is a very good piece of work. keep up your writing. you rock at this so realy do ke ep it up. you are nice. I'm glad I read this amazing, no really amazing, piece of work. you are very talented at story writing. keep it up. By the way, you do not know me. I am Evalyn. I suck at story writing but i'm okay at poetry. You rock at story writing unlike me. I am a sucky writer. Great job and keep it up.
Evalyn.
P.S
I wish i could write as well as you. you are the best writer on earth. keep it up! oh yeah. you are a really awesome writer. I wrote this like a letter. lol. i suck. bye bye ta ta farewell! do re mi fa sol la ti do..... lokl sorry. -
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Thanks Evalyn
To become a better writer, keep reading and writing and reading and writing. Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you like this story. Thanks for all the praise. I really appreciate it.
Andy
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Schweet
Que bueno. Not only does this piece make heaven seem like hell, but it keeps intact the major components of most people's perspective of what a perfect heaven would be.
And.
"Perhaps," he said. "Now it is time to erase your memory and for you to begin praising God."
That part almost makes God a bad guy in this scenario, which is beef a lot of people have with the concept of the Christian God. Good times.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. I used to be Christian, but there are many things I don't accept about that faith now. I have my own belief now and am a member of no organized religion. I question if Christians really want the heaven the Bible talks about. I don't. I'd rather have this imperfect world, I think.
Andy -
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Heeeyyyyy
I'm pretty much in the same boat. Grew up in the church, used to be all kinds of religious... and then I started thinking, and that's when my Christian fling ended.
Anyways. Keep on keepin' on.
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Very clever
Excellent viewpoint, and cleverly written. You take what many of the major Christian denominations see as the perfect afterlife and turn it into hell with a few simple twists. I admire that level of skill. Thank you.
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Thank you!
Thanks for stopping by, reading, commenting, and applauding. I really appreciate it. This is just one of the possibilities I've considered. It was fun to write. I think it could get a little old if all we did in heaven was eternally praise God. Besides, in America, most of us have it pretty good. Would we really want to leave it behind for "heaven"?
Andy
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I don't get it, but nice detail!
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. The idea in the story is that what people view as heaven may be no heaven at all. With all memory erased, we are no longer who we were. In it's place only praising God was meant to seem like a punishment. It may still make no sense to you, but maybe this will help.
Andy
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lmao- verry nice twist in the end
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. For your comments to count for points and toward your comment count on your author's page, they need to be at least a hundred characters in length. How are you enjoying Storywrite?
Andy
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woow
omg, i didn't see that coming! i like it.way to go. -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I greatly appreciate it. I'm glad that you like this story. Thanks for stopping by and reading it.
Andy
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thank you andy
Well it was brilliantly written you always write with such a taste of awe... religious yes, but in time my heart beagn to tell me.. is this what god is made of- a fabrication of eternal memories to be delted so that we can bow down and praise him without mercy.... excuse the spelling... exellent work
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting and all the applause. I truly appreciate it. This is a different view of what the Christian heaven could be like. I enjoyed writing this little story. It didn't place in the contest, but it was fun. Thanks again.
Andy
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Notes:
Hurrah! Black Jesus!
- Wait, there's church on Wednesday? Really? I thought it was just Sunday.
Wow, this story totally inspired another idea that I just wrote down about a social satire.
Heh, this is really cute. I loved the ending. The entire thing is so random and crazy. Nice job. -
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Thanks Megan
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. This is from a Baptist point of view and a lot of good Baptists go to church on Wednesday, Sunday Morning and Evening. Don't let it trouble you, you saw the reward. I really enjoyed writing this story. Thanks for prompting the idea.
Andy
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Wow what a twist on how death is percieved. I like the irony of it all. The imagery is very well expressed in your words. I love the line "Heaven? No, of course not. Do you not recall that it was written that Jesus said 'Heaven is at hand.' Earth was your heaven." Indeed, we have all we could desire at our disposal. The title lured me in and the story held me captive. Well done.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting and all the applause. I greatly appreciate it. No one knows what if anything comes after death. I believe that everyone should try to have a great time while they are alive as long as they hurt no one in the process. I think for most people this is a pretty good world.
Andy
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I'm not personally a christian but I had no trouble at all reading this, it made me think about what it would be like, what if its true...and all that kind of stuff. I really liked this, great idea and great job.
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