The nurse entered the room slowly, caring a small bundle fully wrapped in a pink towel.
“It’s a girl!” Mrs. Myers exclaimed excitedly, her husband grinning broadly at her side.
“Yes, Ma’am.” She looked to Mr. Myers and made a sad face, “Come take your daughter, sir.”
Despite the nurse’s obvious distress he strode purposefully to his newborn daughter. As he reached her side, however, his step stopped and he stood staring unbelieving at the child in the blanket. “This can’t be…”
“What is it, Edgar?” Mary Myers asked.
The nurse walked over to her, laid the dark haired child on Mrs. Myers’ lap, and waited. For a moment Mary only looked down at the child, her own wet locks sticking like gold thread to her face. But she smiled sadly and took up the sleeping brunette before looking back at the nurse. “What happened?” she demanded.
“We don’t know, Ma’am. The genes were correctly mixed; the doctors swear it is so. But the genes must have mutated during the gestation period.” She sagged where she stood, “It is often so during the delicate cloning procedures.”
“But that can’t be!” Edgar exclaimed, walking up behind the nurse. “I haven’t seen one of their kind in hundreds of years.”
“Every miscarriage is destroyed, sir. The doctors are as firm in their belief as yourself that their kind will never again surface.”
“Very well. Destroy it, but I expect a full refund and a free next child.” Edgar said sternly.
“As you wish, sir. We will create a child to your satisfaction once your wife is recovered and ready to bear another.” She started towards the child after bowing to the man.
Mary Myers clutched the child to her chest, “Destroy it!?” She looked desperately at her husband, “It’s a child!”
“It’s a monster, Mary. It has to be disposed of!”
“NO!” Mary refused to surrender her first child to the nurse, who loomed close to the hospital bed. “No one will know! We’ll keep her inside, Edgar. We’ll keep her hidden, but don’t destroy my child!”
“She is the race’s child, Mrs. Myers. We created her, we hold the right to destroy her.” The nurse was firm, but knew the mother would need time to realize her error.
“She is MY child!” she persisted, “I am her mother, I birthed her and it is I who will raise her. Her future is MINE! If I say she lives, she lives!” she glared at her husband, daring him to contradict her.
Edgar sighed, “Very well. Nurse, the child will live, against my wishes.”
“But sir!”
“I swear on my own life that she will be hidden from the common eye. No one need know of her small existence.”
The nurse began to object, but at the look on the man’s face she backed down. “Very well, sir. I will document that she was destroyed and that you asked no refund or second child.”
“Good. We are finished here… leave now.”
The nurse left, leaving the disgruntled Mr. Myers and the sad but determined Mrs. Myers to care for their daughter, Gwendolyn.
***(time lapse)***
“Gwen!” the twenty-year-old brunette turned to look down the dark hallway towards her mother’s voice.
“Gwen! What are you doing here? I’ve told you, you must not be seen!” Mary grabbed her only daughter and pulled her bodily into a center room and away from the open windows.
“But mother,” Gwen began.
“Midnight or not, you are not to be outside of the center rooms.” Mary took her daughter roughly by the shoulders. “Those are the rules.”
Gwendolyn had only wanted to gaze upon the city. But ever since she was little, her mother had stressed that she was forbidden from going near any window. If the general light-haired population saw her, not only would the family lose everything, but Gwen was likely to be killed.
She had been kept inside so long, however, that the risks began looking inviting. She sighed and nodded, and received a soft smack to the side of her face from her mother.
“Never, Gwen. You can’t ever go to the windows.”
“Yes mother.”
Mary sighed and shook her daughter slightly before turning her towards one of the inner doors that led to her bedroom. “Back to bed with you, dear. And remove any notions of ever being able to see the outside world… you will not survive the experience.”
Her mother had often told her of how she came to be, and why it was that others could not accept who she was. The first successful cloned mammal had been a sheep, and after that advancement, humans weren’t far off. In the last five hundred years technology had grown, and a super race was created. All others were slaughtered.
Like her mother and father, the super race had light hair, blond or bleached brown. Their eyes were multiple shades of blue, unlike the deep green of Gwen’s. She didn’t understand why this difference and the dark shade of her hair made her somehow evil. When she had asked, her mother had simply told her that things that are different disturbed people, and things they couldn’t explain scared them. Things they couldn’t control terrified them. And that was what she was, something uncontrollable – because of her difference.
She walked quietly back to her room and fell into bed, willing herself to sleep while she knew she would never be able to get there. She stared up at the ceiling with distant eyes and wondered, silently, if her life would ever change.
Gwen sat quietly in the deep recesses of the mansion, sighing deeply as her life came back to her in waves. In the past several years, since that first midnight, she had snuck time to look at the town against her mother’s wishes. In the last year, her mother had died, and her father had forbidden her to come out of the deep corridors of her prison.
Last night, however, she had snuck out to look at the town one last time before accepting her life in darkness. She smiled slightly at the memory, at the soft breeze that had played across her face in the dark night.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the echoing sound of someone pounding on the door. Now that she focused, there was a lot of sound, like many people shouting. This was something she had never experienced before, and she listened intently, her whole body still.
The pounding ceased and so did the rest of the sound, for only a moment, before it rose again. As she listened it seemed to grow louder until she could hear the individual words.
“A blight on good human existence!”
“Monster! Demon of the Apocalypse!”
Gwen stood as the noise reached her door, and by the words that echoed through her darkness, she knew they were coming for her. Perhaps, as her mother had warned, her midnight watch had split the cocoon of protection against the general public.
The door burst from it hinges as fair-haired people swarmed into her room. Her hands were bound behind her and she was hauled to her feet and up the long dark stairs. She was dimly aware of her father, fighting to get near her against the press of the mob. She was carried into sunlight, out of the house, and down a long road towards the center of town.
Gwen didn’t fight the rough hands that carried her to the erected platform before the crowd. She knew this was the end, and she decided instead to enjoy the first and last moments in full daylight.
She ignored the multiple people as she was bound to a pole. But as they began tossing bales of hay around her, she slammed back into reality with full force.
They were going to burn her.
She was going to die like the witches of long ago with a fire to purge her soul and body of all evil. She twisted against the bindings, the onlookers grew louder, and she scanned the heads for her father, anyone that may help her. She was all alone in a world of fine hair and pale hay.
Then she saw it, on the very edge of the group there appeared a dark head. An older woman with hair nearly as dark as her own. Her restlessness stilled as she stared.
More dark-haired people sneaked to the edges of the mob as the hay around her was lit on fire. She felt nothing as the flame curled around her, and all her attention was focused on the first dark haired woman.
Even as black began to creep upon Gwen’s vision she watched the woman, reading the words on her lips until her body finally gave out.
You are not alone…
Author notes
A thought of what the world could someday become, though I hope it never reaches this...
A contest entry
- SW Presents-Science Fiction/Science Fluff-Gold and Silver Membership up for grabs by Violet Moodswing.
700 points, ended August 25, 2007, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Ahh ME LIKE!
the bginning enthrals her... Stil is a fantastic, creative story. -
Interesting story. As in any science fiction story, certain things that exist in 'reality', do not have to carry over to the story. In your future, dark haired people do not exist. Cloning of blondes rule.
I was quite able to follow the whole story, from start to finish, and found it a very nice read.
Thank you for entering, and good luck in the contest.
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pulled her bodily into a center room and away from the open windows. (bodily, I'm not sure if that is what you wanted)
and the world will never be like this because people would fight Perfection is not defined in one way so every one has different view.
good luck in the contest -
This left a lot of questions, but it was well written as far as keeping me interested. Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering.
~*Brooke*~☺ -
Nicely written. It wasn't until the end though that I kinda understood what was wrong with her. A little more detail could of been added to draw me in more but it held most of my attention nicely.
I like how it was structured and set out and how the authors note was straight to the point.
Keep up the great work.
Goodluck and thanks for entering.
Emma
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Thanks for your entry. I like the concept of your story and it is well told as far as keeping the attention. I think that you could expand a bit though. Add some detail etc and easily take it from being a good campfire or sleepover type story to and entire novel that even mimics some of our current day prejudices.
Speaking of prejudices, I like that your story does not seem to be "for entertainment value only". It has a deeper underlying theme based in fear of those who are different or deemed disposable by a society.
I think that if you sort of close your eyes and do a bit more dreaming about the scenario you have begun, you will be able to incorporate more detail and give the reader more of a "relationship" with the main character. That way the reader can draw more parrallels with things that are all too familiar in the past and present.
All in all, I enjoyed your story. The only thing was that about the time that I was developing some common ground and emotional ties with the main character, it was over. Sigh, that was my only true dissappointment. I suppose it made me want more.
If you ever do expand the story let me know as I would be very interested in reading it again.
Still, good effort and a good read for me. Best of luck in the contest. -
You've just sent a shiver down my spine- what a ghoulish little story. This reminded me of The Chrysalids by John Wyndham- and as that's one of my favourite novels that's a good thing. Well done, and good luck in the contest!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Hi
I am going to be helping to judge this contest. When I comment on a poem or story, it is always with the idea of making the piece publishable. I base my suggestions on things I have learned in college, through my personal reading, and through my own experience in submitting things for publication, as well as working as an editor. Your goal may not be to publish the piece though, and if that is the case, just take the critique for what it is, an opinion, which is neither right nor wrong. Take what works for you and ignore the rest.
I ask lots of questions when I critique a story. I don’t ask them to challenge you personally, but to challenge your creativity and to help you see your story from a different perspective.
You are good with dialogue, but always read your dialogue aloud to yourself to make sure it flows smoothly. There are a couple of places where the dialogue comes off as a little sterile. Remember that people don’t use proper English when they speak, they use sentence fragments, so if you want it to flow naturally, just listen to it, and adjust it accordingly.
The nurse entered the room slowly, caring a small bundle fully wrapped in a pink towel.
***They do not wrap babies in pink towels, they wrap them in white receiving blankets with pink and blue stripes. Every hospital across the country has used the same ones for at least the past 15 years, at least since my oldest son was born.
“It’s a girl!” Mrs. Myers exclaimed excitedly, her husband grinning broadly at her side.
***The exclamation point is sufficient to show the excitement. You do not need to add “exclaimed excitedly.” A growing number of publishers will not allow body movements such as “exclaimed excitedly” as dialogue tags.
***When writing as story, especially a scifi story, the reader has to be able to suspend disbelief ( http://www.mediacollege.com/glossary/s/suspension-of-disbelief.html ). As a reader, I am two sentences into this story and I am already unable to suspend my disbelief, because:
1. Nurses are not allowed to carry babies around the hospital. They have to wheel them in the clear, plastic bassinets. Parents are not even allowed to carry a baby outside of their room. It has to be in the bassinet.
2. As I already said, they do not wrap babies in towels.
3. Why does Mrs. Myers exclaim that it is a girl? She should have learned the sex of the child in the delivery room. Even if it had been a c-section, most women are awake for the procedure. Given that this was a cloned pregnancy, the parents should have known the sex of the baby before it was born- because to be a clone would mean that the DNA was extracted from an egg and then transfer genetic material taken from an adult cell nucleus. This will result in an exact replica of the person that the DNA came from, since the egg has no DNA of its own to add to the mix, therefore, the child coming out with dark hair when the mother’s is naturally light would not happen, and if they used the mother’s DNA, it would be a girl, if they used the father’s. it would be a son. What you are writing about is more like invitro-fertilization, which has been going on since the late 1970’s.
4. How old are these people? What is the average life span? Because Mrs. Myers claims to not have seen one of “their kind” for hundreds of years. Unless she is several hundred years old, she could never have seen “their kind.”
5. There is a lot of contradiction in the story. You have the nurse telling Mr. Myers to ‘come take his daughter,’ and then she says the baby needs to be destroyed. Why would she want him to take the baby if she was going to destroy it? If this was really a medical mistake, I don’t understand why they are allowed to see the baby at all. Why didn’t the hospital tell them the baby died or something? Doctors always try to cover their mistakes in order to avoid law suits.
6. Some background may help the reader to accept this reality you have created. Why/how did people with dark hair become extinct? There should be some myth or legend about dark haired people that the general public believes. Does everyone clone their children in this reality?
7. Your ending is good, but it still had a lot of unanswered questions, such as why are these people banging on the door? Was she seen when she snuck out of the house? Who saw her? I like the other dark haired people coming forward as she is burned at the stake. That was actually the most interesting part to me, because now I want to know where all these dark haired people came from, and what they are going to do there? -
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WOW! That was an awesome critique. It is rare for someone to put that much time and effort into someone else's work. I agree with all of your points, it's true I wondered where the other dark haired people came from. I also think the author should have gone into more just appearance but what else makes them superior, health strength intelligence. Science would not just condemn a hair color they would condemn a sub species something weaker infected with disease.
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wow! I was captivated! Really, i love the idea, it's extremely unique and different, a very good interpretation of what is happening and readint eh signs of what could be.
Wonderful, a little down-to-earth science-fiction is the best! I'm really quite touched by this too, it shows that the world never was, is not and never will be perfect.
Sleeping terror,
awaits the fate,
destiny is sand,
manipulative,
uncontrollable,
yet the voice,
that says all,
is aware ... -
Why are the burning/ostracized ones called Gwendolyn? x.x (I realized this.. haha
)
Omg, I was pulled so far in upon reading this.. I seriously thought the child would have missing facial features, or have them on the wrong places... but when I came to understand that it was her dark hair.. wow, I felt for her. Maybe it's because I HAVE black hair, or the fact that I WANT blond hair (haha it would look horrible on me, as an Asian).
But anyway, I love the descriptions here... and you made it utterly believable (I love your author's notes, very short AND very direct ^_^), especially when you mentioned the first actual cloning ^_^ it also reminded me of China, how the one child policy had resulted to MOST of the families keeping their other children and stuff..
I love how this is not too long and not too short.. this feels unfinished, however, the fact that you allow us the readers to THINK of our own endings just add to this story's charm ^_^
I greatly enjoyed reading this Thank you for your entry and good luck with the contest
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poor gwen! This is a sad story
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