Chapter One
France 1360
No birdsong echoed through the forest as he made his way along the trail, carefully he stepped over a fallen log. The silence made his skin crawl. His palfrey huffed softly as he led her through the dense trees. The roads through the Poitou region had become dangerous to travel after the recent Battle of Crecy. Unfortunately, the villages in the South of France were riddled with plague.
The lone knight stopped to set up camp. Night was falling fast as he tied the horse’s reins to a fallen branch and patted her neck as he reached into the saddle bag for the last of the food and wine he had bought in Bordeaux. Hunching down, he wrapped his cloak warmly about him as he lit the small campfire. He stared into the darkness trying again not to think about the Holy Lands or the loss of his attendants to war and disease. He was not the same arrogant young knight seeking wealth and glory a decade past but weary and, he hoped, wise for his pains. His heart ached with a touch of fear over the disease which ravaged his home in England. As he saw it, all he could do was to take what little he had left and put it towards the tourneys in order to win enough wealth to survive as a knight of his status or to join Prince Edward in his conquest of France. He was tired of warfare and the stench of death yet the future felt undone and bleak.
Sleep would not give him comfort so he remained awake and ready for battle. Even the forest was not safe. He jumped up as he heard the rustling of leaves, snap of steel, and a shriek split the night. The scream did not sound like an animal but like a woman. He drew his broad sword and took off in the general direction of the cry.
In no time he came upon a petite woman clawing at a wolf trap. Her rich dark auburn hair hid her face as she attempted to get its jaws open. Her arms trembled as she pulled the blades back with gloved hands. He could hear her pleading for strength to hold the trap so it would not snap back onto her shin. He raced forward to help, startling her in the process as he grabbed and pulled it the rest of the way open.
She quickly pulled her leg out, flinching as the iron and steel brutally snapped shut. Without a word, he picked her up and carried her back to his camp. He fumed at the stupidity of the girl to wonder about unescorted in the forest without a thought or care to her safety. Carefully he placed her next to the flickering pit, using the soft glow for light as he inspected the wound. The laceration around the ankle was deep but, thankfully, the jaws had not cut the tendon and the bone was not broken. He soaked a cloth in wine and cleaned the blood off her smooth calf and delicately arched foot without a care of her modesty. His attention was swift and efficient. There was nothing for it but to wrap the wound and hope infection did not set in. Still she did not make a noise, only watched him closely as he bound her leg, her intense eyes studied his every move and he felt compelled to look away.
Page 1
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Good start
I like the historic setting and the description of the time period. The story has captured my attention and I am wondering what will happen next.
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Read UnSeelie Nights and start from there...and I'll keep adding as I go...also editing as I go...so it may get a little out of sequence. or doubled up.
Thanks for reading.
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I thought this was well-written and quite interesting, although I must say Six of Diamonds has a valid point. It seems like most things have been pointed out so far as the good goes, though, so I will leave my praise at a jovial nod and a hearty "well done."
And now, for the ever-present nitpicking and questions.
1) "His heart ached with a touch of fear over the disease which ravaged his home in England." I'm thinking - not sure, but I do believe - that the "which" should be a "that", as disease is not a proper noun and has no comma after it.
2) "He was tired of warfare and the stench of death yet the future felt undone and bleak." & "Sleep would not give him comfort so he remained awake and ready for battle." You could use some commas.
3) "He jumped up as he heard the rustling of leaves, snap of steel, and a shriek split the night." This is a little bit awkward. I'm not sure what you should do to change it, but something is a wee bit off in the phrasing. Maybe THE snap of steel?
4) "Still she did not make a noise, only watched him closely as he bound her leg, her intense eyes studied his every move and he felt compelled to look away." This sentence should really be two sentences - it's very long, unless you're planning on playing with the wording at the last half to make it flow better.
Sorry if I come off badly. I really enjoyed the story and writing - I only pointed out these little details because I often find those are the ones that are easiest to miss when I'm working on my own things. Good luck, hon!
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No problem...I've been editing and rewriting Chapter One. It's under UnSeelie Nights. I highly welcome critiques. I hope you enjoy reading it further. Thank you.
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Ockigo Hyuuga
great job keep it up
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Really feel you need to set you scene at the start: where in time, the place and so forth instead of letting things be picked up as you read. My opinion.
First sentence maybe two sentences?
You "led her," but who is "her?"
There was a sudden change with your writing of the discovery of the woman. The flow you had was lost all at once.
This certainly shows promise and it would be interesting to see what you develop. It is nice to go back in time to see how people lived and acted.
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Scene is set in place...you'll enjoy it. Read UnSeelie Nights to really get a sense of the time and place.
Thank you -
Her is the palfrey he was riding.
The place is:
France 1360 a.d. 'the Poitou region had become dangerous to travel after the recent Battle of Crecy. Unfortunately, the villages in the South of France were riddled with plague.'
Thanks for the advice, I have an edited version up as well. I wanted to give a sense of restlessness to the chapter.
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I found it to be a little rough reading, and so far the story is mirroring a few very familiar story lines, but I was left interested enough to see what kind of twist it might take away from those.....
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Very intriguing. Is she part of the unseelie, I wonder? Hmmmm...shall find the rest and read it. One thing, smell. I need smell
Horse sweat, forest smells, burning wood, etc...
~*Brooke*~
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I like this, it's very descriptive. Do You mean "Unseelie" like the Unseelie court? Like in the Fae world? Just wondering....
anyway, I would love to read more of this! -
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Yup...like the court.
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This was very nice and I agree with tutie7 that it was very descriptive, you have managed to capture a reader's attention, making us curios to read more. Well Done!
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this is a very descriptive and well written section. though there is no dialoge we still learn about the main character and are left wanting more from the secondary.
the only thing i would change is that you use 'he' a lot. though he has no name right now you can call him other things like 'the man' or such. all this really does is change it up a bit but i think it keeps a better flowing switching between names. -
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Thank you. I do hope you read the other pages. I'll keep the suggestion in mind..only a first draft.
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