When most people think of nightmares, most people think of dreams that have become so terrible that you wake up screaming and shaking in a cold sweat that has drenched your face, hair, pillow... everything. I have asked everyone I've met recently what a nightmare is to them and that has been their answer. I smile at this. I wish I could say to them, "try living one."1
Yes, I have lived my own personal nightmare. I walk the night, dress tightly hugging every curve of my body, jacket billowing in the wind as I walk.. My story has yet to be told, though, in many other stories, it has been told, but not by me, not the way I want it to be told.2
During the day, I am human, a worker at an amusement park. At night,, I am a fighter, protector of the innocent, and a monster, a hunter of those who deserve punishment for their deeds. I am not what you have seen.3
In the night, if you look out your window and see darkness except for two yellow, cat-like eyes, do not pass it off as just a cat, for it may be me, watching over you.4
You may have heard of me, then again, that is doubtful. I am Trilliana, Princess of Pain, and I am here for the souls of those who cause others' pain.5
*~6
Years ago, my family knew there was something different about me. While they sat around the t.v., I was in my darkened room, writing "nonsense poems" or reading some dark novels of some terrible things, books my parents tried to hide from me.7
Although most of my childhood has been blocked out, deleted from my brain, I will always remember this: my parents loathed me, for all that I was. The youngest child. For my dad, I was his fourth child, and for my mother, the third. My dad adopted my mom's first child, therefore I was the youngest of five. The day my mother found out she was pregnant with me, her father was taken to the hospital and died three days later.8
I wish I could say that I was adopted because that's what the family portraits looked like. Then again, family portraits hid what my family was really like. The pictures made us look happy, perfectly happy, but, really, it was a nightmare.9
Almost nightly, there was fighting, not just verbal, but physical fights. My father constantly wanting more from my mother or sisters, if he didn't get what he want from one, he'd attempt to get it from another. My sister before me ultimately became his favorite. She never fought back, but, at a young age, I learned how to.10
I learned how to stop my father from hitting me, or from touching me. More than once, he tried to rape me but I caused him enough pain to get him to stop... for me anyways.11
We always moved from place to place, hiding our flawed lifestyle, always being the "cool parents" in our friends' eyes. It wasn't until I was the last one in school that it all came out.12
It was my sophomore year, a little after my sixteenth. Every one loves their sweet sixteenth, mine was a nightmare. My dad's favorite still got what she wanted as long as dad wanted the same thing. Well, my dad and sister decided to move out and live together. Once they did so, the trueth of my father became public. My online journals became something I wrote in three times a day or so. I only wrote what I knew, or rememberd, or saw, shattering my friends' dreams of me living in a perfect world, free of abuse, hate, and hurt.13
By that time, my lust for learning about fantastical creatures, mythology, and other such "nonesense" was in full bloom. Learning about vampires and faeries were my two passions. I read everything by Anne Rice that I could get my hands on, and Brian Froud became one of my favorite artists. Vampire movies were a must for me. Labyrinth and Interview with the Vampire became the first two things on my wish list Nosferatu, Legend, Dracula... they became neccessary to watch whenever they were on. A few of my friends helped me to find ways to learn, but it never seemed enough....14
My dad leaving was probably the best thing that happened to me. He forever became my enemy. Fightes unfought. Amends needed to me made, That will become what my life would be about, my father getting what he deserved for doing such horrid things to me, and mainly, my family.15
After a while, my sister moved back in with my mom and I and my dad seemed to have disappeared. The only contact I had with him was the random emails he sent, blaming things on my mother, my sisters and myself. All they did was provoke my anger for him. Graduating was probably the best thing that happened my 18th year of life. My mom and I moved in with my grandmother, stress got to me horribly and it seemed I couldn't do anything right except lock myself in my room with paper, pens, my movies, and my computer full of the internet and music. Writing and reading became my two main hobbies. I thought it was over... I really didn't know how far from the truth I really was.16
Author notes
this is all I feel like typing for now... tell me what ya think
(edited) still sucks but I'm doing my best right now
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This is a sad story. My family was never anything like that. Perhaps, I'll tell you about my family sometime. Maybe it'll do me some good to get it all off my chest someday. I've told various people bits and pieces of my past. Of my childhood, but I think the complete story has remained untold for the longest time. I love you very much Emily and thank you for sharing this with me. I hope that we can start our own family someday and it'll be a family of love. *kisses*
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Abuse is such an ugly thing and it's so hard because it makes no sense to any of us. Even once you get some sort of understanding that the other person really themselves and not you... it still doesn't change things. The pain of words spoken in anger remains. The memories stay burned into the mind and heart until we can find some to release them. This is so sad. I'm sorry you have been exposed to such ugliness and pain.
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Wow. Just wow. I can't believe you've been through all of this, but of course, pain causes some to write and I'm glad youd did. You expressed your pain to all of us, you expressed you emotions better than I've read in a while. You...just wow. I am simply amazed at this and do not think that I could accomplish such a thing. Sure, for some, it may be easy to write about their life and what goes on behind those front doors of their homes, some may have it bad, but they don't write about it or show it. Thank you so much for writing this piece. Not only was it informative, it was well written and simply amazing.
Your friend in poetry,
Now and forevermore,
Cecilia. -
This is good, well written, your emotion are well expressed.
Thankyou for typing this up and sharing it with us, and good luck in our contest
xxx Delta -
er DUR!! I coulda told ya it was my life story...
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cough lifestory cough This sounds a tid bit familiar... wonder why...goes off into her brain picking at it I will not say... but it's coming along nicely Poppy mucho love peace and hugs
*~bindy~* -
Hey, Trill...good write...this is really painful to hear...no one deserves this much pain, anguish, sorrow...no one...you're awesome, you seeker of sinner's souls, you...lol. Anyway, this is a good start to an autobiography...then again, it would be a short one...but mneh...don't listen to my useless ramble about that, so far, its great. You got a little exaggerated with your descriptions there in the beginning, but that is something that makes a style unique, not just another carbon copy of another style...good job...can't wait to see more.
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okay I added more to my story just so you know. it's still incomplete but there's more now
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When are you going to write more to this Emily... I mean.. Trilliana... I want more MORE you hear me. I really like it so far... Awesome write. Mucho love and
*~Sissy~*
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this is very good. i want to hear more. you kinda jus dropped us there. plz add more to the story. it is very good and so far i love it!
Bailey
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Oh wow, this is such a gruesome story, very well-told, but so sad and terrible. That is awful that you had to go through that, I'm so sorry for you!
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A story told by all too many people... its sad that so many kids have gone through this... when a man lowers himself to the temptations of beasts... I hurt the same pain...
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tis a sad day when a father abuses his own flesh & blood.
I know this hurts like hell to have to remember the past.
and you take your time my friend.
just remember I'm here to listen (and Via
internet) hold your hand whenever you need me>
Bill
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