Siren sat up soaking wet. Her hand went immediately to the pillow. When she didn’t find Angel there she glanced around to search for the cat. 1
“Angel. Here kitty, kitty.” She glanced around the darkened room. “Where are you Angel?” 2
A soft breeze drifted around her chilling Siren’s wet skin. The window stood open. “Oh Angel, did you go out for a walk?” She pulled the covers up to her chin and laid her head down on her pillow. The mustiness from the pillow filled Siren’s nose and she sneezed. The sound of crickets lured her back to sleep.3
Siren sat up suddenly again. It seemed that it was only a minute since she was awake before. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as she strained to hear the sound that had awakened her. Siren held her breath. An owl hooted and Siren jumped. Her hand automatically went to her throat. Not a sound came from inside the Inn only the music from the night creature was heard. 4
There was a creak and then another right after. The intruders were on the staircase. “Shhhh,” she heard a low voice whispered, “this is her room.”5
Siren frantically looked around the room. She could hear the intruders running into each other, grunting in discomfort. A smell drifted into the room. She identified the rank odor of mud and skunk spray. Siren searched the dark room for a place to hide and spotted the window. “Trolls,” she exclaimed as she headed for the window. Siren hung from the sill until her foot touched the ledge of the window below hers. As the door crashed open she let go.6
“Check the bed,” she heard one grunt. The rancid smell grew stronger. She tried not to gag.7
As she wrapped her arms around herself to ward off the chill of the night she heard more grunts. One came to the window. She crinkled her nose in disgust. The odor was almost unbearable. “Well check under the bed!”8
More grunting was heard, along with scraping of furniture. “Don’t tell me she’s not here! I watched her go in! We need that stone! Search the Inn you idiots.”9
Siren listened as the steps shuffled out the door, then screams as the other guests were yanked out of bed.10
In the room under her she could hear one. “Not here. She’s not anywhere. Check outside.”11
Siren took that as her cue to crawl back inside. Her darkened room was a mess. Shaken, she started turning the desk back over. Siren turned the chair over and sat down. “What do they want from me? I have nothing of value. What stone are they talking about?”12
The door of her room swung open, spilling a soft light of a candle with it. Instantly Siren was on her feet with the chair in hand. Ina stood at the door with a frightened look on her face. 13
“Mistress Siren are you all right?”14
Relieved she put the chair down and nervously laughed. “I’m fine Ina, just shaken. I’ve never been that close to Trolls before. What did they want?”15
Ina glanced over her shoulder then went to fix Siren’s bed. “You, mistress.” Ina avoided Siren’s eyes. “They were looking for you.”16
Siren’s hand reached for her throat and fingered the gold chain. “Ina, did they say why they were searching for me?”17
“No mistress.” Ina backed out of the room nervously. “I must see to the other guests.”18
“Yes, of course.” As Ina walked away Siren whispered, “I’m sorry.”19
Siren jumped as a flash of white landed on her windowsill. “Oh Angel, you silly cat.” She grabbed her and cuddled Angel to her face. “Where have you been? I bet your night hasn’t been as exciting as mine.” She savored Angel’s cat smell to comfort her. “No matter, after tonight we will be staying someplace else.” Angel purred her answer. Siren went around straightening the furniture, then sat waiting for the dawn to come drizzling in.
Author notes
Edited it July 23, 2007
Edited 12/5
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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The excitement certainly is here. Tension was present in the room, heavy enough to be felt.
Seem to start a lot of sentences with Siren.
"Siren sat up suddenly." You started first paragraph with her sitting up. Since you have her going back to sleep, maybe she would wake or sit up again?
"was wake" = was awake
"They were --- her door." Who are "they?" Previous paragraph indicated "somone" and low voice --- a single person. You have suddenly shifted to "they" with out telling about more than one person.
My only complaint is that this is just too short! I get started, interested in the action and it stops.
Good description and writing.
Jim
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I think someone told me I used 'her' too many times and I changed it and took all the 'her's out. Swapped one extreme for the other
I will go throught and fix all the mistakes.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and to comment. :0
~*Brooke*~
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I like this story, though it is the first chapter I've read. I need to go back and read the others.
There were a few errors but I think Saej and Six covered most of them.
I'm interested now though, especially after the mention of trolls. hehe
I'll go read the others.
Nice story,
Greg
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Hahahaha trolls, smelly things them be. Glad you enjoyed it.
Brooke
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Once again, I like the tone of this story. I really like where this is going. It looks like everyone else commented on the grammatcial side of things. Once again, a very smooth read. I'm very interested to see where this goes. Nice job!
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Yuck!!! grammar. I hate it. But thanks for reading and I'm glad you are still enjoying it.
Brooke
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a little too slow for my tastes. i understand that there was a reason for the chapter but it seemed like it was only half a chapter. i cant honestly say too much more because i dont know enough about what happened before.
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Hey this just might not be your thing, that ok And this really wasn't a chapter just a part of a bigger chapter
But thanks for reading.
Brooke
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is turned -->she turned?
was wake-->awake
Inn(,)only
"Shhhh(,)” she heard a low voice whisper(,)“this is her room.”
searched the dark room (with her eyes, looking) for
open(,) she
bed(,)” she
Well check--> or do you mean We'll?
Shaken(,) she
Ina(,) just
some place-->someplace
I know sometimes it takes a few writes to get all these persnickety commas and grammar things ironed out.
I like this, it leaves me wanting to know more about Siren and to know what her wily cat may have been up to and of course, to know what stone the trolls wanted :-) -
"When she didn’t find Angel there is turned to look for the cat." What?
I don't think it's necessary to use Siren's name everytime you start a new paragraph. It gets to be a bit redundant, but you iron it out after the first couple times.
They were looking for you. You forgot your quotaion marks on this one.
then sat waiting for the dawn to come drizzling in.
I really like this line!
Good job, Brooke. I really like this series. It just keeps getting better and better.
There were a couple punctuation and grammar mistakes that I didn't point out near the beginning. Another read over would fix it.
Have I told you how much I like this series
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. And again thank you for pointing those out. I'm glad you like it. I'm getting such great comments that I think I'll just have to pick it back up and maybe this time finish it.
Again thank you.
Brooke -
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You're welcome. of course it is my pleasure as you bring such wonderful descriptions to the board. It really is entrancing.
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I guess I came in the middle...still:
Third graph: "her" too many times (about 6 or 7).
More "her" and "night creature?" I thought the Owl should be mentioned first before you refer to THE "night creature." (You might say "A" but when you identify it, is isn't that big a deal nor so relevant to the story.)
Now you have "THE" smell. What smell? Better "A smell."
"Displeasing"...seems the wrong word to use. How about rank...foul...rancid...acrid. "Displeasing" doesn't really identify anything and is somewhat subjective, if not vague altogether. If you must, the word, I think, might better be UNPLEASANT.
"Not to gage?" Do you mean guage? (I stilldon't get the use here)
"She wrapped her arms around her" somewhat awkward.
(around herSELF?)
(By this time one begins to grow tired of the "grunts")
"She could hear one." One what? Guest? Grunter? (It's a new paragraph!)
DarkenED
"Turning the desk back over" (?) A little too brief. You ought to explain/elaborate a bit.
What DO they want from me.
What ARE they talking about. (more immediate and more realistic. Anyone alone wouldn't be speaking in that past tense. She is STILL frightened. It isn't OVER...not for the reader, anyway!
"Casting a wary eye?" Who talks like this? How about something like: Her face ashen, Ina looked around the room.(I think one gets the feeling of fright, instead of being distracted by affected language.)
"You mistress." (?) What does this mean?
"Nervously," again. Find another word.
"her, her and her" again.
She settled her room? How about: She went about putting her room back in order...or straightening the furniture which the trolls had left in disaray... or arranging the disheveled room...but SHE was the one who was in need of settling!
I think you RUSH too much when you write. Be honest! (lol)
I like the last line. "waiting for the dawn to come drizzling in!" Really! Nice.
GA
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Thank you for all of this. I haven't looked at this for awhile and I decided to bring it back up to the top. I wrote this in my 20's. I will look at all these points and see what can be done. Thank you again for your honest feedback.
Brooke
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