Under the soft glow of the candles, Siren’s shimmering white gown swirled around her delicate ankles. A low hypnotizing melody flowed across her pink plump lips. A gemstone the color of her violet eyes hung from a gold chain around her neck. She shifted her weight on the worn wooden stool as the eyes of the small tavern turn towards her. Taking a breath, she noticed the stale smell of sweat and dirt that drifted through the air. 1
Scanning the room, she searched for a familiar face. Siren found him standing in the back near the scarred bar. Her song faltered as he grinned wickedly at her and winked, making, her cheeks redden. 2
Cloaked in black, he stood a head taller than the men standing next to him. Their shoulders were hunched from years of working the land, while his back was straight and broad. Thick coal hair threaded with silver reflected the candles flame. His hazel eyes were shadowed by his bushy eyebrows that swept back from his sloping forehead, followed by a nose, that had been broken in fights protecting the Leader, leading down to full lips and a pointed chin that proudly showed a crest shaped scare. A raven badge displayed proudly upon the breast of his black tunic.3
She pulled her eyes away from his appealing face to peek at the wooden rafters. Sitting to the right of the center support beam was her cat, Angel. Throwing a shadow on the back wall, her orange and white tail swished back and forth to the rhythm of Siren’s soothing voice. Angel’s green glowing eyes stared at her charge as she waited to leap into Siren’s arms.4
Soft soothing music filled the air to calm the souls of the disheartened. The rise and fall of her melody commanded the attention of every man and woman in the room. Wrinkled weathered worn faces stared at her from all corners and all conversations were silenced. Mugs sat on the tables, untouched, as elbows and hands held up weary heads. Their clothes were patched and worn thin from long wear. Dirt and sweat gleamed from their faces and arms. 5
Comforting sounds bounced off the faded wood walls and worn floor, as her song continued to weave around the little tavern. There were shuffling of feet and sighs of weariness drained from their faces. Siren glanced again at the faces of the patrons, gazing to see if the effect she wanted was being accomplished, feeling the joy and serenity radiate from them. Smiles appeared on their lips and eyes shined as she showed them the pleasures in life that was theirs for the taking. Green grass and trees with emerald leaves standing tall, reaching up to the velvet blue skies. Lakes clear and peaceful as fish jump out of the cerulean waters leaving ring after ring in the placid lake. Of crops growing high and prefect, of children laughing in the streets and of tranquility setting over their homes.6
She continued to sway as the song swelled, bringing her arms out from her sides. Her chest rose and sweat trickled down the back of her neck and between her shoulder blades as she threw her head back for the conclusion of her song. At last she let her arms drop folding her hands into her lap. The last note ricocheted around the room reaching all four corners of the filthy tavern. Her head fell forward and the notes died out. The silence was startling. Finally one set of hands started clapping and more joined in. Stunned faces stood up as she raised her sweat drenched head. Breathing heavy she forced herself up to bow graciously. 7
Angel jumped gracefully from the beams onto Siren's shoulder. Startled Siren grabbed her and broke out into a lovely smile. She buried her face in the soft warm fur of Angel while she waited for the clapping to fade. She glanced at the bar where Crispin Ravenlocke was standing during the song. The spot was empty and she was left feeling hurt as the adrenalin slowly left her body. Talking resumed as the thundering of hands slowed to a stop.8
Suddenly a warm calloused hand was on her elbow ushering her forward. “Were you looking for me, my lady?” A dark gentle voice whispered in her ear.9
A smile slowly appeared on her face but she quickly covered it with a frown of disapproval. Not noticing the smile he continued with the conversation.10
“Do you disapprove of me so, my lady Siren?” She glanced his way and pulled her arm out of his clutch. The warmth lingered on her elbow as she pushed her way towards the bar. She took a seat as Angel wound her way down into her lap. Absently she stroked the cat’s fur with her slim fingers. A knowing smile played on his smooth lips. “It would seem that maybe you don’t disapprove of me as much as your head tells you to.”11
Her lips turned into a hard line as she glared up into his battle-scarred face. “Why captain, I think you ought to stick with battling and leave the mind reading to the seers and witches,” Siren voiced.12
And here I thought I was getting somewhere with you dear Siren.” Crispin laughed easily at their banter. Then his voice took on a serious tone. “Why do they call you Siren?” 13
She turned her head causing a cascade of golden thread to flow over her shoulder. “You’ve asked that question before,” she teased, lashes lowered. “And I’ll answer the same as last night and the night before that. I sing like the sirens of the seas.” She smiled shyly at him, continuing to run her graceful fingers across Angel’s back.14
Crispin looked at her for a minute, the barkeep handed them mugs of ale and headed away. He wondered if the answer she gave him was the truth or if there was something more she was hiding from him. Doubts clouded his mind and creases showed in his forehead. “I think your hiding something from me,” he said at last.15
“I hardly know you. If I’ve got secrets, it’s none of your business what they are.” Her gown rubbed her legs as a breeze flew from the open door.16
“Captain Ravenlocke!” A young man called from the open doorway. He dressed the same way as Ravenlocke, in black, all but the crest above his breast. His crest was sown on his upper arm. “Captain Ravenlocke!” He called out of breath as he eased through the crowd. Again the conversation halted as eyes fell on Crispin. At last the young man came to stand in front of Crispin, saluting him, “Captain Ravenlocke, I have a urgent message from the Leader.” He breathed as his hand came down.17
Looking at Siren, his eyes held worry, “I must go fair Siren, but worry not for I will be back tomorrow night to hear you again.” And with that he hurried out the door. Leaving Siren staring after him, stroking Angel’s coat. Siren drank the last of her ale and headed out the door with Angel in her arms.18
* * *19
Outside the crisp air felt like a stinging insect biting on his skin as he walked briskly towards the stone building in the center of town. Crispin Ravenlocke’s long legs stretched forward leaving the young man called Cord behind. Whatever the Leader had to say must be important to get him up at the witching hour. Crispin shook his head. “Cord!” He called. The young man came running up out of breath. “Did the Leader say why I was needed?” Worry reflected in his hazel eyes.20
“No sir. Just that I was to find you and to bring you to the counsel chambers at once.”21
Saying a small prayer to the Goddess Brynna, for luck, he picked up his pace. “Thank you Cord. You have done your job well. You may go back to your regular duties.” He dismissed the man and picked up his pace once more as he turned the corner. Crispin ignored the beautifully landscaped yards he passed and the sky filled with silver diamonds. Caylor hung full in the black sky giving a false sense of daylight. The one story buildings cast shadows on the path before him. He barely smelled the light fragrance of the flowers that lined the street as he puffed in and out the clean air. His breathe leaving his body in white mists as he raced toward the heavy iron doors.22
Two solid bodied guards stood on either side of the door came to attention and saluted as Crispin eased open the oak doors. The smell of old wood and mortar wafted up to his nose as he glanced around the hall. Waynew, the Leader’s personal assistant, greeted him with a haggard expression. Waynew was a small man with stooped shoulders and wispy white hair floating around him as though it didn’t know it was suppose to lay down on his head, had served the Leader and the Leader’s father, Dal Breazeale, his entire career. With piercing eyes and sharp hearing the man that lead Crispin had served well. He stopped in front of two ornamental doors that led to the counsel chamber. Bowing slightly he pushed open the doors and stood aside so that the captain of the guards could pass.23
With a loud bang the doors were shut behind Crispin. The room was oval with banners of gold and green with the crest of a black raven hanging down above the granite table that stood in the middle of the room. On five chairs sat the heads of various sections of office. The Leader sat at the top with his sons, Derry and Darion on either side. Both of slight build that resembled their mother, blonde hair hung under their ears and ice blue eyes stared at the captain. Fine bones of their cheeks and chin gave them both a feminine appearance. Twins both in look and attitude, their father looked disapprovingly at both to be successor of the land. 24
To the right of Darion sat Hegel Fenswith the first minister to the Leader. A broad man with stark white hair, a thick nose and deep brown eyes, quick with the laughter and with advice he along with Crispin and Waynew had the ear of the Leader more than anyone else. 25
To the left of Derry sat Wendell Gothgo, Commander of the Northland army that patrols the land around the city. With brown hair that always looked dirty Wendell had just been named into office that previous week and still had the look of uncertainty in his brown eyes. He had served under the last commander for twenty years before an illness brought down the great man. His youthful face stared at the captain with wide eyes.26
Daylon stood up and extended his arm in greeting to Crispin Ravenlocke. “So you are finally here Captain. Good, good, now maybe we can get started.” His deep raspy voice echo through the half empty room as he took his seat once more. Daylon Breazeale, Leader of the freemen, sat with the bulk of him hanging over the sides of the chair. His meaty arms folded onto the table and his pudgy chin relaxed against his barreled chest. Thick fingers interlocked together, looking like sausages crammed together. Daylon’s gray eyes were heavily lidded, as if opening them would put a strain on them. The smile on the old mans lips kept his people from fearing him. “Please sit down, Crispin.”27
Before taking his seat he mumbled his apologies. “Sorry I was otherwise occupied.” He nodded in greeting to the others as he pulled out the empty chair and waited. 28
Author notes
Edited 12/5
Edited 4/15/08
In a list
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Comments
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Wow Syren, I'm seriously amazed every time I read something different of yours. It's been awhile since I've really been able to be on storywrite. The prologue and the first chapter are amazing! I love your word choice! It really makes the story come alive. I could picture every single detail!
I only have found one possible error "crest shaped scare" are we meaning scar here? Or is it just a different spelling and I'm just not in the know here?
Other than that, fantastic job! Keep up the good work! -Liz
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theres nothing for me to point out that hasnt already been said...
ONWARDS TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!!
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Under the soft glow of the candles Siren’s shimmering white gown swirled around her delicate ankles as a low hypnotizing melody flowed across her pink plump lips.
comma after candles. I'd also put a fullstop after ankles and remove "as" breaking the sentences up.
The stale smell of sweat and dirt drifted in the air as she took a breath.
you seem to use "as" a lot I might reword this to break that up a bit... something like
Taking a breath, she noticed the stale smell of sweat and dirt that drifted through the air.
As the melody ebbed and flowed from her she swayed in time.
this is repetitive through the paragraph before.
Scanning the room she searched for one familiar face
comma after room
wickedly at her making her cheeks redden
comma after before making
Cloaked in black he stood a head taller than the men standing next to him.
comma after black and this should start a new paragraph
while his straight and broad
while his what?
She glanced at the bar where Crispin
Ravenlocke was standing during the song.
not sure if this is a mistake or a SW mess-up
not sure if you'd prefer a line by line thing since this part is longer, just giving hints on punctuation and paragraph structure.
You give amazing I could picture it as if I was there.
I am truly enjoying where this story is headed. As I said before i'm not sure how much feedback you're wanting and how much has been fixed as of yet. This is definitely something worth keeping an eye on.
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Notes:
Wow, there is a LOT of sensory detail in the first few sentences. It's almost too much, too soon, although I love your use of colors. They make the scene very vivid.
"wickedly at her[,] making her"
"been broken in flights" - flights or fights? Since you seem to have an avian theme, i'm not sure whether this is an error.
"bar where Crispin
Ravenlocke was standing " - inexplicable new paragraph here.
" Laughing easily at their banter." I think you're missing a subject here? Maybe?
"that question before[,]” [s]he teased"
“Did the Leader say why I was needed[?]”
"with stopped shoulders" stooped?
"both a femine appearance." - feminine. heh. I like the word femine, though. It sounds like some sort of parasitical disease carried by ferrets. ;-)
......
This must be a first chapter of a story. I'm not sure what the plot is, although I'm guessing it's a romance between Ravenlocke and Siren, with a subplot of a horrible war that drives a wedge between them?
Heh, I was just watching Vanity Fair (excellent excellent movie) which I why I was thinking that.
You are REALLY REALLY good at descriptions. I'm actually really really inspired by your use of color, since I recognize how some of my stories could use more colorful descriptions like you have here.
The main problem with the descriptions is that there is too much, too soon. This is the beginning of the story, but there's no hint of a plot and only the most basic of personality traits attributed to the characters. Of course, I do realize that there is more to come in later chapters, but as a reader, there was no _hook_ to grab my attention. Perhaps, if you ever rewrite this, you could include some mystery, some event, some strange character to grab the reader's attention and keep them focused while you introduce the two main characters and their backgrounds?
Very nice job on this. I pointed out some grammar stuff, but there was more that I didn't put down, so if you have a chance, check it out.
This is a great first draft. I hope you don't mind the critical review, as I honestly _did_ like reading this. Good job!
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I had written this first part as a role play thing I never did do, but I've gotten that too much description before
I wonder if maybe a prologue or even doing another chapter before this with maybe something more. I don't know. I've gotten some really good reviews on the other pieces of this and so I'm serious thinking about picking it back up.
I thank you for all those little details you've picked out. I am always appreciative of that, I'm so bad at them.
Thank you for your very kind words and I am in no way close to your writing ability but I am trying.
Again thank you for taking time to read this and to comment.
~*Brooke*~
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Too Many Characters.
The scene in the pub at the beginning was great, but then when you got to the meeting with the Leader, I got confused by the introduction of so many characters so quickly. For me, it would be necessary to go back and read through that part a couple of times to get them all down.
I hate to edit, but it must be done. What amazes me are the mistakes that pop up when I think I have found them all. I've got a list to correct in one of my stories.
You are much more descriptive than I am in places. I think that is a good thing. I don't think about the senses as well as you.
Andy
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I thought it might be, but I need those characters in. What do you suggest?
Thanks Andy for reading this and I'm glad you liked the tavern scene.
~*Brooke*~ -
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I'm not certain.
I guess if you are going to introduce so many characters at once, if they are all necessary to the plot at that point, I would suggest more description, name repetition, and dialogue to liven it up. The twins you said are identical, if they are to separate later as characters it would help if there was some distinguishing feature, but that can be added later. This meeting is going to be continued in the next part, I assume; perhaps that clarifies things some. I hope this helps.
Andy -
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That seems like a solid way to go about it. Thanks
Will see what I can come up with.
Brooke
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Their shoulders hunched from years of working the land, while his straight and broad. --this sentence seems a bit odd sounding to me..
And here I thought I was getting somewhere with you dear Syren.” Laughing easily at their banter. ---You're missing a quote at the beginning of this dialogue...I think you need a comma after Syren. Also the dialogue tag is a fragment which is ok but maybe a "he said" before laughing...it's unclear who is speaking.
OK, when Cord comes to retrieve Ravenlocke, the POV changes from Siren to Ravenlocke. Perhaps a double-paragraph break would be better to show this.
I thought the beginning with Siren as the main POV was fairly well done. The song seems to enchant. Of course, we know nothing of Ravenlocke so we're not sure what kind of character he is yet.
I like this so far. It was a tad slow in the beginning but heartfelt. I like this character of Siren. There seems to be magic in her voice. Perhaps the entire chapter should be her POV and then a separate chapter for Ravenlocke's POV.
Nicely done, and I look forward to reading more next week! -
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I'm sorry I forgot to reply to you. Thank you for the suggestions and I am going to print this all out so I have them all. Everyone is being so helpful on this and I am loving it.
Again thank you for commenting.
~*Brooke*~
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Great idea
You captured me at the beginning. Could there be a comma or two? First sentence seemed a bit long but who the heck cares, she was singing. It was more than that, the idea came across there was some sort of magic in the singing, and you did it at the beginning.
Then you put the magic back to the 14th or 15th Century. I was waiting for some knight to come in demanding everyone clear the area.
The phrase, "violet gemstone the color of her eyes"
just doesn't ring quite right for some reason. "A --- gemstone, the color of her eyes" ... Just an opinion.
Was this a particular face or just any familiar face?
Believe paragraphs eight and nine were meant to be one.
"your head tells you to." Believe you meant "do."
"same way Ravenlocke" --- "as" Ravenlocke
Not certain diamonds are silver.
Somehow I felt this fell off toward the end but you certainly can repair this with just a little work. After all, a super idea that you can certainly touch up.
Jim
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Now I always look at diamonds as silver. I don't know why..hmmmmm...I shall have to change that
Thanks for all the mistakes you pointed out. As I've said before I like to know where they are. I can read this through a million times and still miss some.
I hope the next part (next week) will help clear off why it was left like this at the end.
Thanks for reading this. And for taking time to comment.
~*Brooke*
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Do you know how it will end? Knowing where the story will end and where you want your protagonist or characters to be is half the battle. Do you have it printed out? Read it again. It makes me think of Poison Study by Maria V Snyder...it has that feel. It would be interesting if done in first person.
I would also suggest you create a fictional history for your story. What s the history? Name of the land, who is the ruler...why and what is happening beyond the main character to make her do what she does, behave as she does. Is there a history between the Captain and Syren? Give a little bit of history around the first chapters.
I always think of the first draft as the synopsis. Don't be afraid of changing it. Edit and reread as much as you can til it flows and feels right. -
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I actually have a whole set up for this, as in background on the characters, etc...The land is another story. I was so busy setting up the characters that I didn't do the land. The ending is still up in the air, but mine usually are.
Thanks for the great suggestions and thanks for reading this.
Brooke
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