Siren's Song VIIII

Three women and ten men stood by their horses ready to head out. Wendell stood with his soldiers Older Went, Vox Silver, Tanner and Aromus, while Crispin checked and rechecked Syren’s pack. “Will you stop that? You’ve already checked it three times before.” She scoffed at him. He dropped the flap and stomped over to talk to Forthroan.

“He’s only worried about you.”

“I know Angel, but he’s going to drive me crazy.” Siren checked her ponytail to see if it were still up. She smoothed down her grass green tunic and bark brown pants. Her necklace was tucked safely under her tunic. Angel sat behind her horse’s saddle cleaning herself.

“Your attention please.” Came the straggly voice of Waynew. The stick figure stood before the Leader.

All talk stopped as they waited for Daylon to speak. The sun had started to set showing a fabulous display of pastel colors. Pale pink and violet peeked between the green leaves of the trees while an array of orange and blue shown over the hills. Birds sang in rhythm of the crickets and frogs. The sweet fragrance of the flowers planted around the Stronghold drifted around the small group.

Daylon stood tall in front of the group. His stomach lying over his belt, his chin rested on his chest and he had crossed his arms. “I am standing here before you heavy hearted. Heavy hearted because I wish this quest did not have to be undertaken. But as fate would have it I must see your group leave tonight and hope that you are successful. So go with my blessing and my strength. And as fate would have it I will see all of you soon.” He then walked around and shook everyone’s hand.

Crispin was standing next to Siren again and Daylon stopped when he got to them. “Captain Ravenlocke, good luck.” He turned to Siren; a puzzled look crossed his pudgy face. “And who my dear are you?”

Crispin stepped in front of her he replied, “This is Siren, Forthroan’s niece.”

Siren stepped to the side of Crispin and extended her hand in greeting. “It is nice to meet you Leader Daylon Breazeale.”

Daylon reached for her hand and turned it over to inspect it. “How can you be Forthroan Teals’ niece? Your fingers are not long enough.”

“He is my adopted uncle.” She replied holding her head high. “I am not a Treemen.”

“I see. Say aren’t you that lovely girl that give my people a better outlook on life?”

Siren’s face blushed and she lowered her eyes in modesty, “I would not say I do all that kind sir. But I do hope that I make their lives a little better.” She pulled her hand away.

“When this is done I would like you to sing for me. Can I look forwarded to that?”

Her face turned a darker shade of red, “I think that can be arranged.” She met his sharp eyes.

Pleased he turned from her and called over his shoulder. “Good, speedy return then.”

“That went surprising well. He didn’t even ask what you could do for the group.” Crispin said.

Siren nodded her head and mounted her pure white horse, Rage. Angel had curled up on the horse's rump and was breathing deeply.


***
The group traveled to the edge of town. There Crispin had them halt, “I need the tracker.” A small girl with chestnut brown hair clipped close her head walked up. “What is your name tracker?”

She held her head high with confidence. Her dark brow eyes stabbed at him. “Belle, I am with the Leader’s guards, 5th battalion sir.”

“Good,” he said approvingly. “See to it.” She disappeared into the land. “You’d think I’d know my own people.” He said to no one in particular. “Pegg, take the lead. We’ll travel half the night and then rest till morning.”

A tall man with broad shoulders and a weathered face rode to the front. His jet-black hair flying behind him.

Crispin took up behind Pegg with Siren following. Vox Silver followed with the seer Cinzia along with Darion. Forthroan lead the last five guards.

They traveled through the lower grasslands beyond the city. The night was filled with sounds of crickets. Small creatures ruffled the knee-high grass and shrubs searching for food. Here and there farmhouses sprinkled the landscape. The stars and Caylor shone brightly giving them adequate light. Once in while Belle would materialize to speak with Crispin then disappear again. No one else spoke.

They made camp by a cluster of willows with a small stream wandering beside a clearing. Tanner and Vox Silver tended the horses while the others prepared camp. Silence followed the small group. They ate a cold dinner of fruit, dried meat and bread. Crispin dispatched Jenkins and Tanner to keep watch while the others withdrew their blankets and prepared for relax.

Siren lay looking at the stars unable to sleep. Angel lay on her chest contently purring and washing her whiskers. Movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention and she sat up on one elbow up heaving Angel.

“What did you see?”

“Movement,” she whispered.

“Where?”

Over there near the bunch of bushes.”

“Wait here.” Angel padded off swiftly.

Siren strained her eyes looking at the bushes where she had last seen the cat enter. Nothing else moved for a few minutes. Suddenly a shadow like a human lurched forward heading towards camp.

A voice whispered in her head. “It is only Belle.”

Siren let out her breath and settled back down. She watched as Belle talked with Crispin and Forthroan then disappeared into the night again. Angel settled onto Siren’s blanket and went promptly to sleep. Siren stroked Angel’s coat calming herself. Late into the night she finally dropped off to sleep.



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1 - 6 of 6

  • eyeambaldman
    September 26, 2007
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    Looks like Yoshi covered most of the errors here. This is a good piece as well. Honestly, I think you could make this chapter longer. Go with more description of the characters...give them some more depth. I think this is going to be interesting to see what happens on this quest.


  • aloominum
    September 23, 2007

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    I liked this story! Was there another chapter before it though ,lol, i think i have entered something i know nothing about! However, writing stories with a lot of characters is hard and you have done it really well. I will try to hunt some more of it out of its hiding place...


    • SageSyren Greeters member
      September 24, 2007
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      Thanks and I'll try to send you some links.
      Brooke


  • yoshi97 silver member
    September 22, 2007

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    I like the written decor. You do very well at drawing a foreign landscape and allowing it to be seen. The dialogue is also spot on and crisp.

    Many story questions arise, as to what will these people encounter and will they survive.

    You might want to pare down a bit on the descriptions of the people though, and work in a bit more activity. Looking at the end of this chapter, I see you as trying to spook the reader a bit (a good thing) but to make this more startling you will need to play on the character's emotions more by showing them as already being uneasy about their current situation. Show that they are aggitated, and in doing so, you can draw in different descriptions that will appear more functional.

    For example, Siren might pull at her hair, another person might scratch nervously at his bulbous nose, etc. Allow the charicatures to parlay an uneasiness, and it will sell the scene at the end.

    Also, explore your main characters emotions more. I can see you have great plans for her, and I (the reader) want to know what makes her tick. Let me know how she feels about those around her, about what she is doing, and if she fels they will succeed.

    Very good work so far, and I encourage you to continue on!


    Here are a few suggestions I had:

    [She scoffed at him.] --> I'd drop this part. The line stands stronger without it.

    [Siren checked her ponytail to see if it were still up.] --> Siren checked her ponytail to see if it was still up.

    [“Your attention please.” Came the straggly voice of Waynew. The stick figure stood before the Leader.
    ] --> “Your attention please,” came a straggly voice from a stick figure known as Waynew, as he stood before the Leader.

    [The sun had started to set showing a fabulous display of pastel colors.] --> The sun had started to set, showing a fabulous display of pastel colors.

    [Birds sang in rhythm of the crickets and frogs.] --> Birds sang in rhythm with the crickets and frogs.

    [Crispin was standing next to Siren again and Daylon stopped when he got to them.] --> Crispin was standing next to Siren again, and Daylon stopped when he got to them.

    [Crispin stepped in front of her he replied,] --> Crispin stepped in front of her to reply,

    [Say aren’t you that lovely girl that give my people a better outlook on life?”] --> Say, aren’t you that lovely girl that give my people a better outlook on life?”

    [“When this is done I would like you to sing for me. Can I look forwarded to that?”] --> “When this is done I would like you to sing for me. Can I look forward to that?”

    [Pleased, he turned from her and called over his shoulder. “Good, speedy return then.”] -->

    [There Crispin had them halt, “I need the tracker.”] --> There, Crispin had them halt, “I need the tracker.”

    [Once in while Belle would materialize to speak with Crispin then disappear again.] --> Once in a while Belle would materialize to speak with Crispin then disappear again.

    [Crispin dispatched Jenkins and Tanner to keep watch while the others withdrew their blankets and prepared for relax.] --> Crispin dispatched Jenkins and Tanner to keep watch while the others withdrew their blankets and prepared to relax.

    [Movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention and she sat up on one elbow up heaving Angel.] --> Movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention and she sat up on one elbow causing Angel to fell aside.



    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • SageSyren Greeters member
      September 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Yosh. I will totally work on what you said. And thanks for pointing those mistakes out.
      Brooke

  • Daoine
    July 20, 2007
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    There is an introduction of too many characters all at once and it muddies the course. Pay attention to the senses, not just let dialogue drag the scene along.

    Do you feel ready to commit to this book?

    Write every night even if you don't feel like it. Even if it is for 5 minutes.

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