How do you like me now? Inspiration paid me a visit, and in a fit of brilliance, I finished the third chapter! Please, though, hold your applause until the end. I think I did really good, but we'll see, won't we? Anyway, please read and enjoy!
Disclaimer: You know, Squeenix needs to just hand over the keys to Final Fantasy to me. I think I could show them a real Final Fantasy... but yeah, I still don't own it. Sorry!
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Tap, tap, tap.
*Uhhh…*
Tap, tap, tap.
*What… what’s that?*
Tap, tap, tap.
*Uhhh… don’t they know people are sleeping… is someone trying to break in?*
“Blast it!”
“AAAHHHH!”
Lan sat straight up, cowering from whatever might be coming at him. Waiting for the blow to fall, which seemed to take forever… Opening his eyes slowly, finding himself sitting in a bar-type place. A small stage was only a few feet away from him from his position on the floor, and tables surrounded the stage, chairs sitting on top. *Whoa…where am I?*
“Hey, you made me miss, you little klutz!”
Wonderment and worry changed to anger as Lan heard the voice. *Klutz, am I? I don’t even know you!* Lan got up and walked up the nearby stairs, ready to take the man’s head off, when he saw the speaker.
He wasn’t human.
The thing… hippo was up on a ladder, hammer in hand, trying to nail a sign in by the look of it, and standing on two legs! *I…I-I-I have got to be dreaming… that’s the explanation for it. Yeah, that’s gotta be it!* Another figure nearby picked himself up, which brought another stunned silence from Lan.
This kid had no face… it was a pair of yellow glowing eyes slapped on a jet black face, with a light blue and white robe and a pair of green and white striped pants.
“AAHHH! Where… where… where am I?!” Everything dropped in an instant, his cool, his realization that he was in a place that he didn’t know with a hippo man and black face kid (he supposed), and, ultimately… ‘Morning Glory’ was in full season.
The two snapped their heads to him, the hippo giving a confused look, and the other… well… he was giving a look, Lan was sure. Everything felt like it was shrinking away and spinning around at an incredible speed. He fell to the ground, but he never noticed the difference.
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“Oh… ah, my head… damn, everything hurts…”
“Ummm, are you alright?”
*Ah, a voice I remember…* Lan smiled, eyes slowly opening, saying, “Roan, what are you going on about? I probably just fell off the…” Lan’s eyes opened fully and he found himself with a problem. 1. He wasn’t at home, and 2. It wasn’t Roan he was talking to. A look of panic came on his face and his breathing picked up. The black faced boy was standing over him, his eyes looking over him with a look of (concern?).
“Ev-everything’s alright, I promise. You kinda… ummm, hit your head pretty hard, so me and-and the other guy brought you over here… are you alright?”
*Here? Where’s here?* Lan moved his head around, trying to see where here was. From the looks of things, he would guess he was in an inn. Simply furnished, it reminded him of the small locally run place back in his hometown. Everything was furnished simply; there was a couch opposite of him with a rough looking coffee table in front of it. A red shag rug lay underneath the two, adding a little texture to the humble setting. The couch that he was on looked a little more worn, but it felt as if he were laying on a cloud of red cloth. Behind the desk, there was a rather large looking… fish guy was the closest thing that Lan could guess, looking very subservient while a short haired woman argued that she had had a reservation while the fish man insisted that there were no extra rooms. *Hmmm, so much for good business these days.*
Lan tried to bring his head up to see more, but a surge of pain from his head made him drop back down. His rescuer’s yellow orbs widened quickly while he whispered, “Maybe you shouldn’t try to get up just yet…”
Lan rolled his eyes, bringing a small shot of pain from his head. “Ah! God…” He gave a look to the boy that was standing beside him and asked, “So… what’s your name, kid?”
There was a little silence, followed by the boy blushing. *Oh damn… he can blush…* “Ummm…uh, my-my name is… Vivi.” He said, his voice barely audible on the air.
*Vivi… Vivi?* He knew he had heard that name somewhere before, but he couldn’t put his finger on it… *Wait! Could I be… Could he be…?* Lan remembered his two hours of gameplay on Final Fantasy IX, and there was indeed a Vivi in it. *Is this the same guy?*
Lan looked the boy up and down, trying to gauge Vivi’s age, but couldn’t decide on one. “Well… my name’s Lan. It’s very nice to meet you…” Lan held out a hand, figuring it polite manners and all. He (Vivi) looked at his hand for a moment, then let his gloved hand slide slowly into Lan’s.
“Thanks for the save back there, Vivi.” He said, smiling a little. “But now, I think, it’s time for me to go. I need to get back…”
*But how do you get home?*
Lan didn’t know how he got here… he didn’t even know where here was. *Maybe… just for a moment, you can stay cool for a little bit and try to find out where you are. Staying here without a clue isn’t going to help, that’s for sure… I don’t even know where Roan is, if he’s here. Maybe I can tag along with Vivi here until I find out what’s what.*
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One hour later, dressed in some completely new duds donated by the owner of the inn who had let Vivi borrow the couch, Lan looked at himself in a nearby mirror, admiring every stitch of clothing. The black pants that he had fit himself into flared out at the bottom, making his equally black boots look pretty spiffy. His long white shirt vest was a nice article, and his long brown leather coat made him feel powerful. “Wow, this is such good stitching… Who would have thought it, eh? And the innkeeper being a fish guy… how weird that he has clothes like these…” Lan trailed off as he spotted his black mage friend a little ways off, eyeing something. *Hmm, let’s go see what he’s up to, why don’t we?*
Vivi was off looking through some different vials and bottles on a nearby shelf, which were filled with different colored liquids and oils, some reds and yellows and blues, others blacks and purples. The young teen (Vivi had said he was 14. He (Lan) thought he was nine) kept muttering to himself, something that sounded like “him” and “confused”.
*Such a strange guy… well, no sense in wasting a good surprise!*
Lan tiptoed behind the 5’1” mage, getting right behind him and saying, “You know, I bet one of these is a love potion in disguise… What are you looking for, again?”
The teen jumped around, nearly head butting Lan. “Oh, um, I’m… I mean, you know… I-I was just looking for a potion or two… It can’t, you know, hurt to have them…” As he stuttered on looking for words, his face grew brighter and brighter.
*Yep, definitely reminds me of someone. At least he doesn’t hit… I hope.* His mind was thinking of unpleasant ways of how Vivi could exact revenge, and each one was worse as it progressed. *I have got to stop watching ‘Saw’ so much…*
“Ah, don’t worry about it” Lan replied, saving Vivi the trouble of continuing on. “I gotta poke my nose where it doesn’t belong every once in a while. Besides, the fact that you turn so bright red is hilarious!” His words were chosen carefully, meant to embarrass, but all in good fun. Vivi, apparently, thought as much. His eyes swelled up and his face started to glow, but he started laughing along with Lan.
“So, my color changing friend, what do you do for fun around here? I don’t suppose there would be anything for fun, by the looks of it…”
At the mention of that, Vivi’s face shot up, eyes wide, exclaiming, “Actually, there… well, there is a play starting soon. It’s called “I Wanna Be Your Canary”. I’ve heard it’s really good, and that’s why I came to Alexandria, but…” his voice cut out, and after a while, he continued in a whisper, as if he were afraid of something, “the ticket that I had… i-it… well… it was a fake, so now I don’t even get to see the play.”
Lan watched as the mood around Vivi seemed to change almost immediately from light to dark. “Oh…” he said, somewhat stunned. “Well… is there another way to get into it?”
“HEY! Slave #1, what’re you doin’ here!?”
Vivi flinched a little when he turned to see the shouter, a little rat boy, running up to him. “What happened to you? I turn away for two seconds and then you run off? I thought you wanted to see the show?” The black mage put his head down as he tried, in a small whisper, to find the words to say.
“It was my fault.” Lan interjected, bringing the attention away from the black mage. “I… had a problem with the ground, so I tried to show it who was boss… I didn’t know the ground could hit back.”
For a moment, it looked like the rat boy couldn’t make up his mind on whether to laugh at Lan or take him seriously. A few moments later and…
“Ah hahahaha!” He hit the floor quick, reduced to rolling around on the ground in laughter. “You… you… tried to fight the ground!? Oh, that’s… that’s rich! Hahahaha!!!” he managed to get out. Even Vivi joined in a little, chuckling quietly to himself at the quick lie.
*And when the ground’s the sky, where shall you stand?*
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After the rat boy had finally stopped laughing, which seemed to take FOREVER, he picked himself up slowly and said, “Well, seein’ as you got a sense of humor, I’ll make a deal with you. If you want, you can come with me and Slave #1 here to see the play that goin’ on in the castle, but you’ll have to be my slave!” There was a quick pause, followed by, “So…?”
In that little time that it took for Lan to think, he noticed Vivi looking at him, trying to seem like he was looking around him. *Hmmm… are we friends? Is that why he’s looking? Well, he DID save your life…* It took all of three seconds for him to decide.
“Sure, I’ll go.”
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Well... it took me the expanse of a few weeks (actually, it was probably closer to months...) but I don't remember all that well. But the point is, I did it and I hope that you all enjoyed it.
Author notes
You know... just enjoy.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Nice job on this chapter as well. It's very interesting and well written. I think the next one's already up so I think I'll go read it now. I hearts you.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I tried to find your prologue, but this was the earliest chapter I could find on Storywrite. I believe the prologue might be on AllPoetry, which is a sight I do not hold a membership to.
Your imagination is vivid, allowing the reader to explore a world that makes little sense, but is fun just the same. Often, early on in a story, we as writers must create confusion to give a reader the need to read on and make sense of things. As such, this functions well.
One problem I do see is a lot of elipses (...). These should be used with great scrutiny. Every time a reader hits one of these he gets interrupted with a pause and them must get back into the flow. I do realize you were trying to make the dialogue more realistic, but I highly recommend rewriting the dialogue without the pauses. Instead, place movement or gestures in between to keep the reader flowing through the story.
An example:
"I ... I don't know what hit me. It ... Oh my head ... it hurts so bad"
Could be rewritten as:
"I ..." Jason held onto his aching head, "I don't know what hit me. He continued to massage as the pain grew worse, "My head hurts so bad."
In the second example, I only use one elipsis, and only because it is dffcult to sepeate one word off on it's own without it. The rest, I interjected gestures for the pauses.
Also, you get inside of the character's head a lot and tell us his thoughts. This technique is a bit more telling than showing. Show more by showing your character reacting to things rather than thinking about them, and your story will become much more vibrant.
You have words and ideas, all you need to do is work on giving us more of a picture, so we the audience can see it. If you do that, this story will come along just fine.
Here are a few suggestions I saw along the way:
[Lan sat straight up, cowering from whatever might be coming at him. Waiting for the blow to fall, which seemed to take forever… Opening his eyes slowly, finding himself sitting in a bar-type place.] --> Lan sat straight up, cowering from whatever might be coming at him. He waited for the blow to fall, which seemed to take forever… Opening his eyes slowly, he found himself sitting in a bar-type place.
[A small stage was only a few feet away from him from his position on the floor, and tables surrounded the stage, chairs sitting on top. *Whoa…where am I?*] --> A small stage was only a few feet away from him, and tables surrounded the stage with chairs sitting on top.
"Whoa! Where am I?"
[Wonderment and worry changed to anger as Lan heard the voice. *Klutz, am I? I don’t even know you!* Lan got up and walked up the nearby stairs, ready to take the man’s head off, when he saw the speaker.
He wasn't human.] --> Wonderment and worry changed to anger as Lan heard the voice.
"Klutz, am I? I don’t even know you!"
Lan stood and walked up the nearby stairs, and was ready to take the man’s head off when he saw the speaker. He wasn't human--
[The thing… hippo was up on a ladder, hammer in hand, trying to nail a sign in by the look of it, and standing on two legs! *I…I-I-I have got to be dreaming… that’s the explanation for it. Yeah, that’s gotta be it!* Another figure nearby picked himself up, which brought another stunned silence from Lan.] --> The thing ... hippo ... was up on a ladder, hammer in hand, trying to nail a sign in by the look of it, and standing on two legs!
"I…I-I-I have got to be dreaming… that’s the explanation for it. Yeah, that’s gotta be it!"
Another figure nearby picked himself up, which brought another stunned silence from Lan.
[A look of panic came on his face and his breathing picked up. The black faced boy was standing over him, his eyes looking over him with a look of (concern?).] --> Panic washed over him as his breathing picked up. The black faced boy was standing over him, his eyes showing what appeared to be concern.
[*Here? Where’s here?* Lan moved his head around, trying to see where here was.] --> "Here? Where’s here?" Lan moved his head around, trying to see where he was.
[Everything was furnished simply; there was a couch opposite of him with a rough looking coffee table in front of it. A red shag rug lay underneath the two, adding a little texture to the humble setting.] --> Everything was furnished simply. There was a couch opposite of him with a rough looking coffee table in front of it, and a red shag rug lay underneath, adding a little texture to the humble setting.
[The couch that he was on looked a little more worn, but it felt as if he were laying on a cloud of red cloth.] --> The couch that he was on looked a little more worn, but it felt as if he were laying on a cloud.
Behind the desk, there was a rather large looking… fish guy was the closest thing that Lan could guess, looking very subservient while a short haired woman argued that she had had a reservation while the fish man insisted that there were no extra rooms. *Hmmm, so much for good business these days.* --> Behind the desk there was a rather large looking ...fish guy was the closest thing that Lan could guess ... looking very subservient, while a short haired woman argued that she had had a reservation while the fish man insisted that there were no extra rooms.
"Hmmm, so much for good business these days."
[Lan tried to bring his head up to see more, but a surge of pain from his head made him drop back down.] --> Lan tried to bring his head up to see more, but a surge of pain made him drop back down.
[He (Vivi) looked at his hand for a moment, then let his gloved hand slide slowly into Lan’s.] --> Vivi looked at the hand for a moment, then let his gloved hand slide slowly into Lan’s.
[One hour later, dressed in some completely new duds donated by the owner of the inn who had let Vivi borrow the couch, Lan looked at himself in a nearby mirror, admiring every stitch of clothing.] --> One hour later, dressed in some completely new duds donated by the owner of the inn, Lan looked at himself in a nearby mirror, admiring every stitch of his new clothing.
[Vivi was off looking through some different vials and bottles on a nearby shelf, which were filled with different colored liquids and oils, some reds and yellows and blues, others blacks and purples.] --> Vivi was off looking through some different vials and bottles on a nearby shelf, which were filled with different colored liquids and oils, some reds and yellows and blues, others black and purple.
[The young teen (Vivi had said he was 14. He (Lan) thought he was nine) kept muttering to himself, something that sounded like “him” and “confused”.] --> The young teen - Vivi had said he was fourteen, but Lan had thought he was nine - kept muttering to himself something that sounded like “him” and “confused”.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Wow... that's... *looks at text in entirety.* That is a LOT of helpful advice...*Rain scratches his head as he continues to ponder over the vast amount of information* Thank you for the, eh, help (yes I mean it) and I'll try to improve. Maybe I'll be able to make it work, eh?
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I just love this. I mean normally I dun really like final fantasy fanfics, but this one is preety good! I give you three, count 'em, three clappy hands.
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I...I get three clappies? YAY!!! *huggles*
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I thought you might have liked that. I would have even given you FOUR whol clappies, but alas the limit tis only three.
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Hey! I was reading old contest enteries and I found chapter one of this... you can't imagine how happy I was when I found more!
This. so far, is really fun. Please, please continue!
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*cheesy anime pose w/ smile* Well, what can I say? Luck favors the humble... or it's just luck! I'm glad that you found my first chapter and decided to go hunting for the other two chapters. I promise, I'll have the next chapter out soon!
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It was good... a lil confusing, but still good, can't wait 2 read more, which i'm sure will come out in Due time...
You know I luv u... Nd that hasn't changed...
Lol...
Good work, keep it up
Luv MDH xoxo
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I'm glad that you still love me. It means that I'm still doin' right! *huggles*
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Hehe, wow. I'd love to see where you're taking this. What happened to Roan? And how the hells did Lan get... in a different world...? Geat writing, once again. I was waiting for the next chapter and lo and behold, here it is.
Hope to read more... eventually at this rate XD
Love Shiny -
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Yeah, I'm hoping that everything stayed this relatively smooth, so keep your fingers crossed, eh? I'm already starting construction on the 4th chapter, so hopefully I'll be finished with that quickly, no?
And about Roan... all I'll say is don't worry and that's it, 'kay? I like him too much to just cut him out of the picture.
Anyway, thank you for reading!
Rain
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