The weathered wooden door creaked rhythmically with each whisper of wind, as it blew through the drafty tool shed. In the corner, hidden behind rickety shelves, lay a jumble of bones; gray from age and dust. Shadows stirred around the bones. They were blurry at first, then evolving into a wispy form of a young girl with a blob of darker shadows on her left shoulder.1
"Ebony," came a coarse whisper, followed by a throat being cleared. The shadowy form was slightly more solid then before.2
"Ebony," the voice tried again, clearer this time. 3
From her shoulder the blob of dark shadow shook itself. A vague shape of a bird slowly emerged. "Caw," it sounded. Then, "What?"4
The girl shadow tossed her head, making the shadows around her dance, "Cranky tonight, are we?"5
"Always cranky, caw," Ebony replied.6
"Silly old bird." Porta laughed. "Well, I guess we had better get started."7
"Started, started." Ebony echoed.8
"You know for a familiar, you can be annoying?" And at that Porta pushed herself out of the pile of bones and walked right through the old empty shelves.9
The night beyond the shed was cold and clear. The cold weather didn't bother the ghost witch and her raven familiar, but the clear night sky gave them pause. Stars glittered in the sky like someone had thrown silver confetti on a black velvet blanket. The trees around them looked like an old man's knobby knees and elbows, thin and bumpy. It was late autumn so they held no leaves and the limbs reached for the harvest moon.10
"She'll probably be at the meeting place tonight," Porta said to her shoulder as she stepped over a barren mound of dirt. She didn't need to step at all but she wanted to hold on to being alive just a little while longer.11
Ebony shook his feathers and swung his head back and forth, checking out the landscape. "Meeting, caw, ground."12
"That's right, meeting grounds, not place. I always mess that up." She smiled sadly. "I guess it doesn't quite matter now."13
Porta passed patches of snow bunched beneath trees and bushes, where no Fall sun could shine. Around her the forest had grown quiet. The owls had settled themselves on thick branches to watch the two float pass. The raccoons had scrambled off to find a safer place to scavenge.14
"I wish the animals wouldn't be frightened of us." She whispered. "I miss hearing the robins and jays during the day."15
"Caw, I wish, I miss," he repeated.16
Silence followed as she and Ebony pushed their way to the meeting ground. Porta's mind wandered as she passed tree after tree. She remembered when her aunt would brush her long copper curls and how Aunt Josephine would say her stormy gray eyes would sparkle when she'd been up to mischief.17
Sunny meadows filled with sweet smelling wildflowers and buzzing bees, happily collecting pollen, had always been her favorite. She remembered the last time she'd been in the meadow. Porta had worn a peasant style purple skirt with a white tank top embellished with purple flowers. Her pentacle had swung from a chain around her neck. The dry dirt had felt soothing on her hot feet. Aunt Josephine had packed a picnic basket and they were walking the trail to the old oak tree.18
Porta could still picture her honey blond hair, up in a bun, reflecting the sun's rays. Wisps of hair had escaped Aunt Josephine's bun and they trailed down her slender neck.19
Aunt Josephine seemed distracted now when Porta looked back, but to a thirteen year old it didn't matter then.20
"I should have paid more attention," she said aloud, sighing to Ebony. "She had said I was getting too powerful, as she handed me a glass of lemonade. I should have been suspicious, but I just drank the lemonade spiked with belladonna.21
"Attention, lemonade, belladonna," squawked Ebony.22
The meeting round was just through the trees and Porta, with Ebony still on her shoulder, twisted between them. A small fire danced in a circle of rocks as Porta approached. Aunt Josephine, with two other witches sat around chanting.23
Porta floated through the fire, sending the flames reaching out towards the witches. The witches gasped in surprise, but none moved back.24
After stirring up the embers and playing in the flames. Porta giggled at the faces of the three sitting in the light's circle. Three experienced witches sat staring at each other with mouths hanging open and eyebrows raised.25
Porta studied her aunt. As Porta remembered Aunt Josephine had her hair pulled back in a bun and the old familiar black robe pooled around where she sat. After all Aunt Josephine had done to her she still felt love for this woman.26
She bent down to whisper, "I'm still here, dear auntie." And she stirred up the air around Josephine.27
Josephine hopped up and looked around rapidly, checking behind her. With eyes scanning the dark woods behind her Porta signaled Ebony to rouse his fellow birds.28
With drowsy eyes and limp wings the flock of ravens silently scuttled on strong claws. One opened it's beak to give a toc-toc noise, and others followed. Soon the woods and clearing were filled with the cawing sound of carrion birds.29
The three witches were up, floundering around the dancing flames, arms held out, ready to cast a defensive spell.30
Porta stepped back into the fire and sat down in the middle. She could see the blue flames licking at her feet, but not finding fuel to continue. Orange outlined the blue flickers with red at the end.31
Porta gathered up as much energy as her small ghostly body could. Taking that energy she molded the flames into the shape of her once living face.32
The ravens became quiet. After their calls, the silence was more telling then any crystal ball could ever be.33
"Oh Aunt Josephine," called the flame figure of Porta. "How could you, Aunt Josephine?"34
The other two witches turned to look at Josephine.35
"I-I didn't do anything," she cried to them.36
Inside the fire Porta giggled and stroked Ebony's feathers. The fire image responded, "Aunt Josephine, don't lie. We both know what you did."37
Shaking her head rapidly, Josephine started backing away, "I don't know what you are talking about."38
"Josephine, what is this spirit talking about?" Is that Porta?" The blond witch asked.39
"No, no, no! It can't be!" Josephine raised her hands to cover her head. Under her breath she started mumbling a spell.40
"What do you need from us?" asked the witch with glasses.41
Flames flickered and the smell of burning cedar drifted around the clearing. "Only the truth." At that Ebony took flight. The dark shadow of Ebony fluttered around the three figures. Josephine screamed as the rest of the ravens took flight, spiraling up into the night sky.42
* * *43
The trial was long. Josephine had confessed to killing Porta because she feared that the child witch was becoming too powerful and would take over Josephine's power as head prietess. Punishment for killing another witch in the coven was death. An eye for an eye.44
On clear nights, when the stars are at the most brillant, you can still see a small figure playing with an ebony bird, on the rock wall that surrounds the shed where her bones still rest.45
Author notes
Title is not right. And the ending needs help. Point out any spelling or puncuation errors, please.
Ok reworked the ending. Hope this one is better. And fixed typos. Edited 7-19-07
Again fixed typos on 7-28-07, but have yet to think of a better title or better ending.
New title on 7-28-07 (thanks to Red Talon )
In a list
- Trueblood group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Midnight spirts by xSuicidalSuperstarx.
175 points, ended July 27, 2007, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy/Magic :) Have fun! by Isabella Swan.
195 points, ended August 14, 2007, 12 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
I think "I wish the animals wouldn't be frightened of us." She whispered. "I miss hearing the robins and joys during the day."
you mean't Jays? like Blue Jays. It was a good story and spooky without being super scary! I really liked it!
-
-
Thanks for reading and for finding that. It's been awhile since I read this.
Brooke
-
-
Oh, this is a very nice piece! I can picture Porta walking with Ebony as her only companion, conversing as though evertything were normal. I liked the use of Raven and the other crows, and the way she pulled the fire into her form to show a bit of the extent of her powers.
Thanks for sharing such a great tale! Looking forward to reading more of your work. Too bad I was too late for Halloween on this one.
-
Very Nice.
While there was not alot of background on this piece, the explanation at the end was helpful. This piece was very captivating, wondering what was going on in the first few paragraphs. Excellent storytelling.
DarkOne -
Very nice.
Now for the grammatical fixes:
1. I used to do this in the past, and it is something which must be stopped. Too many commas. The first sentence reads as "The weathered wooden door creaked rhythmically with each whisper of wind, as it blew through the drafty tool shed." That comma does not need to be there. I understand that you are probably trying to add a pause to the narrative, as that's how I tried to use it, but it's still wrong.
2. In the second paragraph, "then" should be "than."
3. "You know for a familiar, you can be annoying?" does not sound right. There should be a comma after "know" and it's not a question. The question mark's gotta go.
4. In the comment about "robins and joys" I think you meant "robins and jays." But please, correct me if I'm wrong.
5. Probably just some things that were accidents:
"...but I just drank the lemonade spiked with belladonna. <--you left out some quotations.
"The meeting round" is most likely missing a "g"
"Josephine, what is this spirit talking about?" Is that Porta?" <--I'm guessing you tried to add onto the blond witch's comment and accidentally forgot about the quotations you had already put there.
Other than that, everything was fine, other than a rushed ending, but I understand that trials aren't the most compelling things to read about. It was a very interesting read, kinda makes you want to be a ghost and haunt people. Heh heh, sounds like it could be fun.
-
-
I am so terrible at comma's. I really do stink at them. But thank you for pointing out all the errors. I have noticed I am learning my comma p and q's. I use to not put any at all.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and to comment.
~*Brooke*~
-
-
I liked the ending, but it did come a bit fast for my taste. Typo: prietess in the last paragraphs. I thoroughly enjoyed this. You gave just the right amount of description of just the right things. What I felt it did lack was emotion from the girl. Why was she doing this? What emotional drive sent her to force her aunt to confess? Super idea, and very nicely executed.
-
-
I did this for a contest and I think that there was a word limit, so I had to rush it.
She wasn't a very revenge sound ghost was she? At first I wanted her to play with the aunt night after night but could never come up with anything convincing in the amount of time or words I had.
I'm glad you liked it though and thanks for pointing that out.
~*Brooke*~
-
-
Wow!
This is amazing! I loved the detail. The imaging was wonderful. I was able to picture all of it so clearly! Well done! You're definitly a finalist!!!
-
-
Thanks so much for the wonderful review and thanks for making me a finalist
~*Brooke*~
-
-
I like the new title. Great suggestion by RedTalon!
-
Wow. I can really imagine this.
I'm glad that you explained why Josephine killed Porta, because I was wondering why. Still, I don't like the reason. Porta seemed like a rather likeable character. Sad that she died the way she did.
I liked the bird, Ebony, most of all. I can imagine the two of them together, and...well, this was just...beautiful.
Title: Nightshade Necromancy
Belladonna belongs to the nightshade family, and I'm sure you know what necromancy means.
Great story, girl. All the best of luck. -
-
Great title. I'm going to use that. And I'm glad you liked the story. I've always wanted a familiar that was a Raven, but alas I haven't even found a mundane familiar, like a cat. Don't get me wrong a cat would be great too. But I've nothing, as of yet.
Thanks for reading this.
~*Brooke*~
-
-
"cranky tonight, are we?" --- Cranky should be capitalized.
"She had said I was getting to powerful, ----the word "to" should be "too"
"Attention, lemonade, belladonna." Squawked Ebony.--comma after "belladonna," and Squaked does not need to be capitalized.
After stirring up the embers and playing the flames. ---did you mean playing "in" the flames? This line was a bit confusing...
One opened it's beak to five a toc-toc noise, and others followed.---this is a bit confusing to me as well...I think it's the "five a toc-toc noise" what does that mean?
"I-I didn't do anything." She cried to them.---comman after anything, and she does not need capitalized.
"What do you need from us?" Asked the witch with glasses.----Asked does not need capitalized...I know it looks funny, especially after a question mark, but in dialogue that's how it goes.
"...she feared that the child witch was becoming to powerful..."----again substitute "too" for "to"
OK, now for the story....I really liked this piece. I thought it was very well done. Your imagery and description flowed so well. The only thing I have a problem with is the ending...it seems a bit rushed to me.
I don't like the title either... You'll come up with a better one, I'm sure.
Again, this is a fantastic story. You have some clean up to do on the grammatical and punctuation errors, but your plot is flawless...maybe tweak that ending a bit, too. Nice work!
-
-
Also toc-toc is a one of the noises Raven's make. Sorry about that.
-
Thank you for pointing those errors out. I don't know if I've said before but I'm a terrible speller and half the time I don't know where the comma's go
. But I appreciate all those errors pointed out.
As to the title, I am awful at those two. I have no imagination when it comes to those. But I will think about it more.
Again thanks for taking the time to read this and to comment of this little piece.
~*Brooke*~
Off to fix those.
-
-
:)
Hi!
I liked this story, it was very different to the other entries we've had so far, and it was very imaginative.
A few Typos though : "At the Ebony took flight" confused me a bit. Also: "The gasps in surprise, but none moved back." was also a little confusing. Did you mean "The Witches gasped in surprise, but none moved back"?
And one last thing, the ending didn't feel quite right. It ended too soon and felt a bit like a happy ending, when the overall tone of your story was quite sombre.
Anyways,I will stop my Grizzling and say Congratulations, because you wrote a wonderful story.
-
-
Thanks and you're right. I'm very new at writing these types of stories and have never been able to do a great ending. I will look over it and see what can be done. A writers got to challenge herself and so I did.
Will fix the typos and see what I can do about the ending. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
~*Brooke*~
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
