Lilies

WARNING, THIS STORY IS M/M, ALTHOUGH NOT GRAPHIC. IF THIS ISN'T YOUR THING, THEN LEAVE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

It was quiet, even for a funeral. The fragrant lilies, his favorite flower, were all over the parlor, splattering the piano, the mantle. The casket.2

It didn’t feel like he was gone. I thought when this day came, I would be alone in the corner, disheveled and crying my eyes out. Instead I stood there, stroking the casket and thinking of past times. I guess I’d had a while to think about it, and had cried all the tears I could. For the moment, anyway.3

~~~4

“I had a great time at the dance,” Taylor whispered, holding Brandon’s hand tightly. It sounded so trite, but it was true. He’d had a wonderful time. They danced, they kissed, and they socialized. Their friend Mandy had nominated them as the prom king and queen as a joke (Taylor was a bit put out that he almost won - for queen). All in all, it had been magical.5

“I did too, Taylor,” Brandon sighed. He walked around and opened the car door for him.6

“Your chariot awaits, lovey,” he giggled, giving Taylor a kiss. Taylor laughed, and threw his arms around Brandon’s neck.7

“I don’t want to go home,” he whispered. “Once I go home, the night is over, and I don’t want it to ever end.”8

“And now the moon, the sun, and tomorrow will all wait for you to be ready, I suppose?” Brandon said, tickling him.9

“Let me have my fantasies.” Taylor frowned. “Besides, isn’t there a tradition of getting laid on prom night?”10

“You got laid the night before prom night.” Brandon giggled.11

“So that’s a yes?”12

“You’re insatiable.”13

“And damn cute, too.” Taylor laughed. “Come on, there’s a party at Mandy’s. Let’s go, please?”14

Brandon nodded his agreement, and they got into the car, joking as they drove away from the school. They probably should have been paying more attention to the road. Then they would have seen the other car that ran into their car on the passenger side, crushing them against a telephone pole. The last thing Brandon saw was a bright red light, then darkness.15

~~~16

I looked around the room. I hadn’t been here, at his parents’ house, for a long time. His mother had sent him out of the house when he came out, and he stayed with his aunt and uncle, and later with me, when their house caught fire. 17

That fire was one of the strangest things I had ever seen. It just seemed to start out of nowhere. He had always joked with me about how his family was cursed with bad luck, that things always seemed to just happen out of the blue like that. His aunt and uncle’s house burning down, or his grandparents dying in a plane crash, or his father and that freak boat accident, -and that was just this generation. Bad luck followed them, along with fine, dark blonde hair, and a perfect, symmetrical nose. 18

I remember the look on his face as he told me these stories. He had the strangest expression on his face, like it wasn’t the end, like there was one last story to put in. It frightened me, but I just laughed nervously and kissed him, telling him he better stay safe, because I loved him so much, and the look on his lovely face went away to be replaced with a smile. I always could make him smile.19

~~~20

He woke up a few days after the accident in a white room.21

At first, he thought ‘Oh, well; at least I went to heaven’. Then, he noticed an annoying beeping sound, and a vase of yellow flowers. Great, a hospital. So the crash had really happened. He sat up to talk to Taylor…but where was he. Was he dead? Had they gotten separated? Was he at home?22

He wanted to cry, to scream, to know! 23

Just then, a young doctor came into the room.24

“Where’s my boyfriend? I want to see him,” he said sharply, giving her a cold look. Not a question, but more of a demand. He wanted Taylor - now. The doctor raised an eyebrow.25

“Well, nice to see you’re conscious,” she said dryly. “Maybe not coherent, but it’s a start.”26

“Where’s Taylor?” he said again. He hated doctors, they always caused trouble. He groped for something to throw; the first sign of one of his tantrums. He picked up a water glass. “ I want to see him, where is he?”27

The doctor gave him a Look. “Mr. Christenson is in the IC unit.”28

“Taylor’s in intensive care?” he whispered. He dropped the glass. “Why, what’s wrong with him?”29

“He has some lung and heart damage,” she replied gently. 30

Brandon felt his heart skip a beat. Taylor was hurt - badly. He began to cry.31

“Is he going to die?” he asked quietly. The doctor hesitated. He said in a firmer voice, “Is he going to die?”32

“The prognosis isn’t good.”33

He nodded slowly, starting to cry a little harder as he looked up to her.34

“Take me to him.”35

~~~36

I looked out of the window. It was the first clear day all week. Weather’s such a bitch. He would have loved it, though. We used to skip classes together and go out to the park, or the football field, if there were no gym classes that hour, because, as he’d say, it was ‘just too pretty to be in a boring classroom.’ We’d look at the clouds, or mess with the dandelions, or just make out. Either way, we always had fun.37

Thinking of him triggered the tears I knew were coming. Someone put their arm around me, and tried to lead me away from the casket. I pulled from their grasp and turned to face them. It was his aunt, looking concerned, and sad. She had always been a second mother to the both of us after his parents kicked him out. She was the one who he could turn to for an unbiased opinion on just about anything. She had always liked me a lot, and knew me like a book. Without me having to say anything, she understood what I wanted. Just like now, as she kissed my cheek, hugged me, and let me free.38

I went back to touching the glossy wood. I wanted so badly to touch him, to kiss him and see if he’d wake up like Snow White. He always said I was his Prince Charming.39

I lightly stroked his cheek. It was so cold; it didn’t feel like his cheek. It felt like smooth, fuzzy clay - flawless, thanks to the powdery makeup they put on him to hide the scars. I trailed my hands down and took his folded ones, wishing they were as warm and soft as they had been not even a week ago. 40

~~~41

As Brandon and the doctor walked into Taylor’s room, he took a look around. Someone had already brought a large vase of lilies, his favorite flowers. He could smell them from where he was standing. Taylor had been asleep, but as Brandon leaned over to look at him, he woke up. 42

“Hey…” he greeted Brandon in a tired voice. “ You’re okay. I was so worried.” He smiled, holding out his arms to hug him.43

“Baby,” Brandon whispered. Despite the warnings the doctor gave him as they walked down the hall, Brandon crawled into Taylor’s bed and kissed him fervently. “ Oh, god, I was worried!” he moaned, squeezing himself against him.44

Taylor pushed away suddenly and carefully pulled in air, grimacing as he did. Brandon quickly went from relief to concern.45

“I shouldn’t have done that,” he whispered, shaking.46

“Why not?” Taylor asked hoarsely.47

Brandon turned a vicious eye to the doctor. “You haven’t told him?” he snapped.48

“Told me what? Brandon…what?” Taylor asked, his voice going up an octave. He gripped Brandon’s waist tighter. “What’s wrong?”49

Brandon turned to face him, cradling him a little in his arms. He had to be honest with him; it was one thing he always demanded, that he be perfectly honest about everything.50

“You’ve got a lot of lung and heart damage, sweetie. You’re going to have to take it very easy, so nothing worse happens.51

“How easy? What could happen?” he asked, a little inebriated from the painkillers.52

“Unbelievably easy, babe. Your heart’s really weak right now, but it’ll get stronger with time. The main problem is that they think your right lung could stop working. I mean, look, just kissing you made it hard for you to breathe. They don’t know how to prevent it, other than you taking a lot of rest.”53

Taylor took in all the information, slowly nodding. Then, bowing his head, he broke down, shaking slightly as he cried. He fell limp across his pillow. “Brandon…” he moaned.54

“Please Taylor, please…don’t cry…you need to be strong if you’re going to get through this, and I’ll help you, darling, but don’t cry, it breaks my heart.”55

“Okay,” he whispered. But he was still shaking, and Brandon could tell he was going to be crying again soon. He pulled Taylor’s frail body close, kissing his forehead.56

“It’ll be okay, Taylor. Everything is going to be alright.”57

~~~58

I kissed his cool cheek before I walked away from the casket and went upstairs to his bedroom. Everything was the same; his bed was even unmade. I crawled into it, not caring if I rumpled my suit, not caring what the other grieving people would think when they to find me. I could smell his cologne, and I could see a few hairs on his pillow. It was almost like any other early morning, when we would wake up, and he’d get the shower going. I would roll over and sit in the warm spot he left, and I’d relax for a second before joining him. It felt like home.59

I started to quietly crying into one of the lovely soft pillows. ‘I can’t do this. I have to have him back’ I thought to myself. I was going to miss him way too much.60

~~~61

Taylor did well enough in the hospital that they allowed him to be an outpatient. Brandon was over at his house constantly, convinced that the doctors and nurses that swarmed around him weren’t going to help.62

After Taylor had one of his weekly checkups, Brandon always came over to the house for news. One particular day, Taylor was especially bouncy and smiling. He practically flung himself at Brandon as he came in the door. 63

“Hey, baby!” he said, letting Brandon lift him a bit off of the floor as he hugged him tight.64

“Hi, Taylor. All’s well?”65

“Better. My breathing has been a lot easier. They said the lung is trying to heal itself.” He leaned close to him, taking his hands. “And I have the house to myself tonight.” He dropped to a whisper. “Do you know what all that means?”66

“No, what?” Brandon asked, shivering from the tickle of warm air on his ear. 67

“It means that I can take you to my room and we can do everything we’ve wanted to do since the accident,” he whispered, pulling him into his bedroom and closing the door.68

“Are you sure…?” Brandon asked, always cautious of Taylor’s health. Taylor just smiled, putting a hand on Brandon’s chest. He took Brandon’s hand and placed it on his own chest, then let it trail a little lower. He watched as Brandon bit his lip, and his face flushed in arousal. Taylor smiled even more, and brought his hand back up to kiss it gently.69

“I’m sure.”70

~~~71

As I left the room, I looked at the pictures of him adorning the walls. They depicted his childhood in a long chain running down the hallway walls. From his adorable baby pictures, to ones where he is a toddler at the beach. His little league games and his grade school graduation were there, along with a picture from his sixteenth birthday party. It was a good picture. He was sitting in front of the cake, with a glow on his face from the candles. I’m sitting next to him with a dreamy look on my face, and he’s about to blow out the candles. His eyes are almost completely closed, and he has a big breath about to come out. I have the same picture framed and leaning on the lamp on my nightstand.72

I watched as someone began to talk, but I wasn’t paying attention.  73

~~~74

Taylor’s heart finally began to fail, and he got steadily sicker, eventually ending up back in the hospital. Brandon would come to check on him every day, no matter how much the nurses yelled at him. He would sit there and hold his hand, or crawl into bed with him for a nap. Everything was going okay, until late one night, the doctor called Brandon and Taylor’s family, and told him he wasn’t going to make it through the night. They all sat around his bed. Brandon was lying next to Taylor in his bed with him, holding onto him as long as he could. Taylor coughed, and looked up into Brandon’s eyes.75

“Brandon?”76

“Yeah, baby?” Brandon said, giving him a squeeze.77

“I’m going to die,” he said quietly.78

“No, Taylor…you’ll be just fine. Just fine, okay?”79

Taylor smiled at him. “I love you, Brandon.”80

“I love you, too.”81

“Brandon?”82

“Yeah?”83

“Kiss me?” he whispered. Brandon dropped a tear, sniffled, and nodded as Taylor closed his eyes.  He gave Taylor his kiss, then leaned his forehead to Taylor’s, and took a deep breath. Taylor pressed his cheek to Brandon’s.84

“I’ll miss you, Brandon,” he whispered, a small tear escaping the tight hold his eyelids had on them.85

“You aren’t going anywhere that I’m not, baby. Once you get out of here, we’re going to go on a vacation. Wherever you want to go, we’ll go. Paris, London, Rome, all the places you’ve always wanted to go to,” he said. His voice started to crumble a little. “All you have to do is live,” he sniffled. It was hard for him to breathe, and he was shaking a little. “Stay alive, and I’ll give anything, do anything, Taylor, anything in the whole god damn world. Anything you want. We’ll move into that apartment we were talking about. We’ll have a dog, and plants, and…and a toaster…and later, after college…Taylor, we’ll get married, we’ll do anything…but you have to open your eyes and tell me right now that you’ll live.”86

Taylor didn’t seem to be listening. Brandon let him lay back, and stroked his hair. He decided to stop pretending. He knew no matter what he said, Taylor couldn’t stay any longer.87

“Goodbye, baby… I’m gonna miss you.” He hugged him tight, and silently cried as the life slipped out of his lover.88

~~~89

I miss him so much sometimes. Like when it’s raining, but it’s still sunny outside. He used to love those days. He’d go outside, and just let the rain fall in little rivulets down his cheeks, and he’d smile and shiver. He looked so beautiful like that.90

When I see lilies, I have to try not to cry. When I hear a song or joke or poem he would have liked, or when the moon is full like that last night I made love to him, I close my eyes and wish that I was holding him and loving him and he wasn’t gone from my life.91

And then there are the times when he is here, like when I’m about to go to sleep, and I swear I hear him laughing, and saying goodnight, and squeezing my hand like he used to do before he fell asleep. And then I just squeeze back, and tell him “Goodnight, Taylor. I miss you, but I’ll see you soon, in my dreams.”92