A Memory In the Dust

"I'm leaving", I said as I stuffed my overpacked suitcase into the trunk of my old, '67 mustang - a sleek, midnight blue. "Times have changed" I muttered as I walked to the driver's side door. "I need purpose. I need hope. All I have are my dreams, and I'm gonna make something of myself."1

I thought of the times as a little girl when I played by myself, daydreaming about becoming something great, something useful, something with direction...and purpose.2

That morning I had waken up as every other day in the same double wide trailer I'd been living in with my boyfriend, Jay, since I was sixteen. Five years was too long. I realized my place in life was really no place at all. Just a setting, a constant struggle with what I'd accepted. Well, something changed in me. I would no longer allow myself to be the high school dropout who'd resorted to waiting tables every night at the local cafe.3

"I'm tired of this shithole town. I never belonged here, and I need to get out. I don't know where I'll go, or how long I'll stay, but I'll be damned if I don't try to find out."4

I fumbled for my keys in my purse and saw my life savings wadded up in a rubber band: $174. It would have to do. Any place was better than here.5

I looked up at the doorway to see Jay in his grease stained carpenter pants and bare feet. He was shirtless revealing a premature beer gut, something I definitely wouldn't miss. He didn't look half as disheveled as he was confused and I realized I pitied him. He was a nowhere guy, and he was stuck that way.6

"I'm sorry, Jay. I won't be back. Take care of yourself."7

"What am I 'sposed to do, Jen?" He asked me.8

I sat in silence for a minute, not necessarily thinking of what to tell him, but trying to find the best advice I could give him at that moment.9

"Whatever your heart tells you..."10

I jumped in the driver's seat and revved up the engine. I wish I could say it purred like a kitten, but instead it roared like a beast. And in an odd way, it made me feel courageous and driven.11

I looked out the windshield at the neverending road ahead of me. It would be a long journey, this I knew, but maybe there would be what I was looking for. Has anybody ever really followed a rainbow to find the gold at the end? Or did they wait too long, while the colors disintegrated before they could get to it? I wasn't about to find out which. I was out to get my gold or die trying, and with one last glance in the rear view mirror, I saw dirt trails outlining my former life, my former self, and I smiled. I looked ahead and forgot about that part of me I left behind: just a memory in the dust.12