I dreamed I saw you
in the rain
crying
silently
I dreamed I wiped them away
from your red cheeks
smiling
almost
I dreamed I had caused your tears
outside only an hour ago
yelling
horribly
I dreamed you hit me
on my cold cheek
laughing
satisfied
Author notes
Hey! It's about a boy and a girl I guess... About a fight they had or something... I'm not sure, I don't know how I came up with this... But I hope you like it... Nice contest by the way... I had never heard of this form of poems, and I absolutely love it... So thank you...
Love Lily
A contest entry
- Windsparks by Asfand.
225 points, ended July 28, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
i love your idea, it's very unique and brilliant! nice, HOWEVER you have to start it with I dreamed I was not what u dreamed of.....
get it....if you have any prob, contact me
you have about osme days before the ocntest close, so just edit and correct the whole thing! then IM me....thnx!! -
I liked this.
I think it was written really beautifully, and it seems sad lol.
I think you should change
"I dreamed I wiped them away
from your red cheeks,"
to
"I dreamed I wiped the tears away
from your red cheeks,"
Because even though you established that the person was crying, it's better if you tell us what you're wiping away.
That's my opinion anyway
Good job, Lily, and good luck in the contest!!
xoxo
Tay
-
this is nice but....
the way we're supposed to start each first line is "I dreamed I was"...and then tell what it was you dreamed YOU WERE. Not allowed to say all the different things you did. It's supposed to first describe what you dreamed you ARE. then...WHERE YOU ARE. Then an action...what are you doing? Then the last line describes HOW you are doing the action in the 3rd line.
get it? lol
otherwise...this is a cool poem in and of itself. nice job, but if you want to write a real windspark poem...gotta follow the directions.
good effort tho!
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