Chapter 3
Cheerleaders
That day Ruby went to sit with the cheerleaders, Emerald cast an eye over at her.
"What..." started Emerald looking over at her, but just then Topaz slammed the heavy lunch tray down in front of them.
"I've been kicked of the cheerleader team!" said Topaz angrily, "WHAT?" she shouted, as Emerald smirked at her.
"Well, thats what you get for snogging your best friends boyfriend!" Onyx and Emerald snarled together, as they walked over to sit next to Ruby.
"WHAT!" screamed Topaz, feeling tears of anger well up in her eyes.
"Hey babe" said a handsome voice behind her, Topaz looked round to see Toddy looking at her with his dark blue eyes, she felt her body tingling as she fell towards Todd.
Todd pulled back, he had noticed Ruby making her way towards them.
"You stole my boyfriend" she whispered to Topaz "And your gonna pay"
She brushed against Todd, looking into his beautiful eyes, she was falling towards him...
Ruby pulled back "I love you" she whisperd into to Todd's ear, her sweet smelling breath tickling the back of his neck...
A contest entry
- Trophyless Only!!! by Andy Stephenson.
600 points, ended July 22, 2007, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I'm bored. ...Are you? by Taylor Renee.
350 points, ended July 26, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sides in a Story... by sodancewithsoda.
450 points, ended August 9, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Options and Options! by Sunless Spirit.
106 points, ended August 3, 2007, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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gross and i don't get it
beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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Nice, a mistakes in the dialoge! But still, I'd like to give it a winner, but I have to think about that, cause I am not good at picking winners
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I'd like to see more of the people's interaction here. This is a nice scene and all, quite climactic, too, especially with the boyfriend stealing bits
It would be really nice to read more about your characters ^_^ I mean, you DID make a scene that already piqued my interest (fights are nice to watch 
)
However... there are a couple of things you can work on ^_^ like..
"Well, thats what you get for snogging your best friends boyfriend!" -> "Well, that's what you get for snogging your best friend's boyfriend!"
"And your gonna pay" - "And you're gonna pay."
These are just two it's something that a minor edit can fix
Thank you for your enteyr and good luck with the contest ^_^ -
Very nicely done! You write well for a 10 year old. The dialogue and wording is set out very nicely. I like how you used the word "snogged" I don't hear that word being used much anymore.
I think i'll go and read the other chapters if you have anymore posted
Keep up the great work, I would Love to see what you come up with as you grow up.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
Emma
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Hi
I have five cats.
Is there a chapter one and two? I looked for them, but I couldn't find them. This has a lot of information skillfully conveyed through dialogue. Well done. You have a typo, 'of' instead of 'off' 'kicked off'. What does 'snogged' mean in American.
Thanks for entering.
Andy
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this is sooooo cool! I love it. wow! i mean its... fantastic, fab, amazing and its like in a way BEAUTIFUL! I love my job! that has nothing to do with it right? Whatever!!!
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Brilliant!
It was really good! I just want to ask you something, are Onyx and Emerald on Ruby's side in this story? I think Topaz was a bit cruel in this chapter! Great If I could rate this, I would give it 10/10! Well done again! Abi -
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Thanks!!!
Thanks abi!
As I said Im gonna reply to all comments from now on!
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GREAT!
GREAT!
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