The Future Starts NOW

I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd run into Chris at Andrew's house.  Every time I left my guitar lesson I would get butterflies at the possibility of seeing him.  The rational side of my brain told me I probably wouldn't ever see him again and that Chris would avoid his cousin's house like the plague knowing that I'm there.  If he had wanted to contact me in the last year since he told me he was marrying Tara, he had plenty of opportunity to.  He didn't respond to a single email since that June 3rd afternoon when we talked, yelled, and cried, and finally said our final goodbye.  The one that seemed to really be for real.  I was the one who said it.  He said "maybe in a few months" and I said "no."  Somewhere along the line that all changed.  After completely cutting every aspect of Chris out of my life, I found I still wanted him and couldn't live without having him be a part of my life.  I guess he decided he didn’t want anything to do with me in a couple of months after all.  He didn't say a word when he held the door for me at the Emelin Theater when they were opening for the Del McCoury Band.  I would have loved to think he saw me coming up the walk and stomped out his cigarette and turned to go in just as I was approaching ON PURPOSE, but the fact that he merely locked eyes with me as he held the door did nothing more than leave me completely confused.1

So the thought that he'd be in Andrew's living room when I came out of my lesson was about as far from reality as the prospect of marrying him someday.  I berated myself for getting so caught up in a fantasy that wasn't based on anything but wishful thinking.  And wishful thinking was making me sick.  I would drive home from Andrew's every week nauseous with regret and longing.  2

Last night when I walked out of the practice room I felt the familiar pang of disappointment when I didn't see Chris sitting with Ann in the living room.  But it was to be expected.  The three of us, Andrew, Ann, and I, bullshitted for a few minutes before I went to leave.  Then we went through the usual process of helping me get out their awkwardly-placed door with my guitar, guitar books, and purse.  This time it wasn't so awkward, however, because just as I was about to push the door open with my guitar case, it swung open from the outside.  Lo and behold, it was none other than Chris!  I gulped hard with surprise, and it caught somewhere in my throat, making it impossible to speak.  Great, I thought.  Well, it was probably for the best because I never would have been able to think of anything intelligent to say.  And stuttering probably isn't very attractive anyway.  Instead, I straightened up, my body stiff, assuming the pose of someone who is angry with someone else.  I pretended to "storm" past him as I made my way to my car.  Thank goodness I got a good parking spot on the street that night right outside Andrew's door, because by the time I set my guitar down to open the car door, I was shaking so badly I nearly dropped my Martin.  I threw my things into the car, climbed in, and sat.  I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through me as I gripped the wheel, not sure whether to cry, scream, or drive off and pretend this botched encounter wasn't ripping my heart out.  A lone tear trickled down my face and I looked up at Andrew's window.  Then I realized the window was open.  I bet I could hear his voice if I tried!  Chris' voice was something that did things to me I couldn't explain.  Just the other day I was listening to a Back Roads cd and realized, I could listen to this man for the rest of my life.  I quickly rolled down the window, just in time to hear Chris say, "I forgot something at home that I wanted to bring over.  I'm gonna run home real quick and get it."3

Shit, I thought.  What do I do?  Do I pretend like I'm leaving?  Do I leave?  Do I sit here with my head down and look like I'm crying?  4

I didn't even have time to decide when the door opened and Chris walked out.  Boy did I feel stupid.  "Hi Chris," I said dejectedly, not expecting him to even answer me.  I was ready to cry.5

"Hey," he said in his caring voice that he used to use on me when I'd show up to a gig upset about Thomas.  I had a flashback of one night down in Port when he held me.  He took one look at me when I arrived and he knew I was having a bad night.  Instinct drew us together and I fell against him, finding comfort in the warmth of his body and his gentle touch, arms enveloping me even though Tara was nearby, shopping with Ann.6

Tara was just around the corner now, since he and Tara lived one mile from Andrew's. Literally "just around the corner."  One turn.  I can't tell you how many times I'd want to drive to the end of Andrew's block and make a right.  Once I went to the end of Andrew's block and made a left.  Chickened out.  Spun a "U-ey."7

"Hey," I said back in that soft, seductive, breathless tone I thought I'd lost forever the day we said goodbye.  I didn't use that tone with anyone since.8

"What are you doing?" he asked me.  I got another flashback of the night at Bradstock… "I don't know, what are YOU doing?!"  "I dunno; why don't we do 'I dunno' together!"  We always had the greatest lines.9

"I guess that depends on you."  How boring.  But I wasn't daring enough to be cute with him.10

"Can I hop in with you?  I should really leave my truck here."11

"Sure.  Get in."12

I shook with anticipation as he walked around to the passenger side.  How would I ever talk with him?  Or WOULD we even talk?  As much as I wanted to kiss him, I wanted even more to figure things out once and for all.13

"Where am I going?"14

"Go to the end of the block and make a right."15

I laughed.16

"What's so funny?"17

"Nothing," I said, my eyes twinkling at him in the glow of the street lamp.  He locked eyes with me as he stared back.  I felt my body weaken under his gaze.18

I drove in silence, praying this night would have a happy ending.  As we rode past his house, I shuddered to think Tara was inside.  Then I smiled, remembering all the things she said to me in her last email.  All the things she said I never shared with Chris.  Stupid girl.  I was about to share one more.  The bitch in me hoped we'd get caught this time.19

Finally, the road ended.  I pulled off the road into what appeared to be a private beach parking lot.  "Is this safe?" I asked him as my car rolled to a stop.  He didn't answer.  I pulled up the emergency brake and looked at him.  He was staring at me.  20

He reached out and put his hand behind my head and drew me to him as his eyes gazed intently at my lips.  We lingered an inch away from one another's face, heads tilted sideways as we savored the moment.   When he finally kissed me, a year of passion that had been locked away was suddenly released.   Our lips stuck together as we lingered like we always did.  Some things never change.  We proceeded with our usual sexy, seductive, quick kisses, lingering, staring into each other's eyes.  Looking at one another in that intense way we do always made it more than just a sexual tryst.  There's a passion there that burns right through to our souls.21

After about ten minutes of this, we had worked our way under one another's clothing and things started to really get heated.  I guess Chris really wanted to have that talk that was six years overdue, because he stopped me just as I slid my tongue under the rim of his jeans.22

"What's going on with you and Thomas?"23

I couldn't help myself.  "What's going on with you and Tara?"24

"I guess that depends on what's going on with you and Thomas."25

"You mean that MATTERS?!"26

"Of course that matters!"27

With that, I started to cry.  I always knew in my gut that Chris' feelings were more than just enjoying a good blowjob every now and then.  And sneaking away from whatever gig we got good and drunk at enough to not care or realize if anyone was going to notice.  I always wondered if the only thing keeping us apart was the fact that I was married.  I think now I had my answer.28

"What's wrong?"29

"I've been so afraid that while I'm working on leaving my marriage, you'd end up marrying Tara before I could get free, and I'd lose any chance I ever had with you.  And I don't even know if I even ever really HAD a chance with you!"30

"You STILL have a chance with me," Chris said quietly.31

"I do?" I asked meekly as I looked at him through my tears, which were momentarily paused.  32

Chris proceeded to explain how things were going with Tara, which were evidently not good.  While I wasn't happy for the pain he was going through, I was glad he figured it out before marrying her.  I always knew they weren't right for one another.  And I didn't feel I was being biased.  She had just told me too many things that made me know they'd never last.  33

I went into detail with Chris about all the changes I'd gone through in therapy in the last ten months, and carefully explained the point I was now at.  I talked to him about where my shrink and I thought it would lead, and I honestly told him I could make no promises.   For some reason, he seemed hopeful anyway.34

"I can tell you've changed a lot."35

"Thanks," I said graciously.  36

"I'm willing to take a chance on the future."37

"Good… but what are we going to do about right now?" I asked.38

"We're doing it," Chris said as he leaned in for another kiss.   He leaned back to look at me, and with that famous mischievous look I'd missed for so long, he popped open the button on his jeans that he wouldn't let me undo earlier.  I eagerly lowered my head to his lap, letting my hair drape down around his legs, positioning myself that I could smile seductively up at him as I took my time making him cum, just the way he taught me too.  Before Chris and I got together, I was always one to rush things.39

He pushed me back so he could look at me.  "Let me please you too," he said just like so many times before.  This time I decided to let him.  I pulled the handle on the car door and unlatched the trunk.  I took out the blanket I'd coincidentally just thrown in there days before when I was cleaning out the linen closet.  Chris led me in the dark to the water's edge and spread the blanket out on the sand.  He knelt down and lowered me down to him.  He always liked me on top, but this time he laid me down gently on the blanket and straddled me as he undid my clothes.  He made love to me for hours in that slow pace he taught me to love.  When we were through, we laid next to each other on the blanket, gazing up at the dark night, barely a star in the sky.  40

Suddenly a shooting star went across my field of vision.  "Did you see that?!" Chris exclaimed.41

"Oh my goodness!" I answered.42

"We need to make a wish," he said softly.43

"OK," I said as I turned to stare into his eyes, which locked with mine.  We said nothing for a full minute and there was no doubt about our wishes.44

"Shouldn't we get back?"  I asked.  "I have a long drive ahead of me too."45

"I'm sure I'm in trouble by now," Chris said without seeming to care. I wanted to say "I hope so" but I just cocked my head and looked at him.46

"Let's face the music," I said.47

Chris held my hand as I drove back to Andrew's.  As we passed Chris' house, I wasn't sure if he noticed that Tara's car was missing from the driveway.  He talked about the next time we could get together and told me when he'd call me.   I was afraid all that would change once we got to Andrew's.48

We both saw the green Suburu Outback when we pulled up.  We sat in silence for a moment before Chris got ready to get out of my car.  "I guess it's time to deal with this, isn't it?"49

"Good luck, Chris," I whispered.50

"I'll call you tomorrow."  I doubted it.51

We kissed goodbye and I watched him walk to the door.  I pulled away just in time to see Tara fling it open.  I cringed and sped away.            52

Well, "tomorrow" is almost over.  I was afraid he couldn't go through with breaking up with her.  I wanted to cry but couldn't.  I knew it was too good to be true.  I sighed with resignation as I shut off the bedroom light and pulled up the covers.  I must have cried myself to sleep because my pillow was damp when I woke up.53

Numbly, I somehow managed to get ready for work.  Going through the motions when you're broken-hearted actually seems easier.  Every task goes on auto-pilot.  I got in my car at 6:36 AM, just a few minutes behind schedule, and backed out of the driveway.  I snapped out of my fog seconds later when I heard the "BEEP!" of my cell phone telling me I had voice mail.  I stared at my phone in disbelief and wasn't quite sure what to do first… look at the missed calls or call my voice mail?  What the heck, I've waited this long… what's another minute of anticipation.  I dialed my voice mail.54

"Hey Teri, you're probably asleep.  Sorry I didn't get to call you earlier.  I was busy moving…"55