I dreamt I was a faery,
in the underground, hallowed hill
drinking wispy,silver wine
hungrily, deeply.
I dreamt I was rain,
in the cold crisp air,
where my faery self danced under the hallowed hill,I fell
mercilessly.
A contest entry
- Windsparks by Asfand.
225 points, ended July 28, 2007, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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okay!very interesting. I loved your going towards fairies and all. Your windsparks have a certain flow, which is very good even though it's freeverse. The flow is that the words roll of your tongue.
i do not like the sentence starting with 'deeply' the thrid sentence must be a verb, the fourth is an adverb.
try
drinking wispy, silver wine
hungrily / deeply
deeply in the third chopped up the flow plus was wrong according to windspark rules.
the second stanza is excellent. the rain, falling mercilessly, very good....good thing you made rain a sort of cold entity ratehr then warm and sweet. Good job! -
I really think the details were awesome! I can't believe how good this is, I hope you win!
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Perhaps, when you talk about fairies, you could add a bit more colorful details?
It's just a suggestion.
Otherwise, I like the details in this with the 'hallowed hill' and the 'wispy silver wine'!
Good job! Except...I think, in the rules it said there was supposed to be two stanzas?
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