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At five hundred milliliters a breath, Geoff figured he had about half an hour before he started seeing spots, and maybe another eight to ten minutes before he asphyxiated on his own carbon dioxide exhalations. Deep, ominous rumbles occasionally vibrated through the deck and bulkheads, and he could only imagine what caused them. Was it the hull banging against living coral? Was it fellow shipmates who, already drowned, bounced off the prow? Was it his own pulse beating against his eardrums?2
Some reptilian impulse led him into the galley, when the klaxon started. Geoff had known that the lifeboats were substandard, and had quickly calculated that staying aboard would offer the best chance for survival.3
Unfortunately, he did not take the damage the ship had suffered into account.4
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The ship started sinking, and it was sinking fast. Geoff shut off the thermostat of the freezer and jumped in it, sealing the door against the pressure of the jetting seawater. To his credit, he had had the presence of mind to grab a large kitchen knife first, figuring that he would have enough air until the rescuers came.6
But the ship was sinking much faster than his optimistic calculations would allow.7
Geoff opened a can of tuna with his knife, eating it as he sat against the freezer door. Suddenly, the ship’s descent stopped.8
The ship had hit bottom, and was righting itself. In his panic, Geoff had not realized that his breathing had become shallow, and quick.9
Geoff started feeling lightheaded. His tuna forgotten, he reclined and passed out.10
And never awoke.11
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Lol. This reminded me of the Titanic because of the romantic moment the guy had with the can of tuna, and oh because yeah it has a ship sinking. Actually, this was more like Rocky because it took place in a freezer.
I can't help but think that this is a bit short. You explore the present action, but you don't bring anything else into it. It would be interesting if there a wider sense of this person's life to further emphasize the futility of death in the end. You should try reading Richard Bausch's "The Man Who Knew Belle Star," Flannery Oconnor's "A Good Man is Hard to Find," and/or Paul Bowles' "A Distant Episode" for different ways that death can be handled.
The most interesting part was the first paragraph because you gave concrete descriptions and then established the setting with some creepy contemplations that really put the reader there. I think you really need to slow down the pace of this and expand. If you're going for microfiction, I'd say first expand and then recondense so that you have a maximum impact. -
This has a certain way of getting into your head... I had to read it twice to really get it exactly. I'd consider this kind of a wierd tale of horror, as it doesn't exactly have a plot, but pulls the reader perhaps with a natural fascination with death.
I couldn't help feeling this didn't sound quite right: "The ship started sinking, and it was sinking fast." I can't figure out why... at first it felt like a tense disagreement, but I don't think it is... It just struck me as inauthentic. I was thinking maybe something more like "The ship started sinking - sinking fast." Really, I think it was the "and" I didn't like. Oh well.
Mike -
This also reminded me of Titanic. it is very descriptive, and shows a lot of talent. Never stop writing.
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This is pretty good... I liked it very much.... Great job! It's descriptive, and it's just an all around good write... Keep writing.... It reminded me of the movie, "Titanic." That movie was long and sad...... It was really sad... "Never let go, Jack." Does she let go? Yup.... She had to... Well great job. Keep writing. Well, laters.
~Lost~ -
This was kind of eerie and very final, but I am guessing that was the intention. A brilliant portrayed short story from a simple scenario, lovely use of imagery at the beginning really set the imagination going.
take care
Hayles x x x x x -
10/10
wow this is a real great write.I love it including the wonderful flow to it,how well it could be understood,even how well it was written but it was all good but of those three things is what I look for tho find a real great write but anyway thanks for sharing cause I felt lucky to get a chance to read it so good job again and keep up the great work I hope to read other really soon
sadie
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Wow. I like how you start off in the middle of the story and while you proceed you tell the reader everything they need to know about what it going on. Very nice, I hope to be able to read more like this, or a continuance or background. Great writing style!
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This is quite the cliff-hanger.
I hope to read a continuance..
Very good writing, kudos to you.
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