The Wait

In retrospect it was a marriage of convinence.  She was out of homes to go to and he was a lost soul. Of course in the beginning, it seemed like a fairytale. The two wondering souls meeting and connecting on so many levels and even during the dark times there was always the laughter to get them though. 1

It took almost ten years until the laughter was not enough for her. The nights of loneliness and disappointment had become far too many. She longed for the security of loving arms holding her tight each and every night as she lay waiting to see when he would come home tonight. The thoughts of waking in the middle of the night and hearing the rhythm of soft breathing and reaching out to feel the warmth of her love's prescence and having the same love returned to her as the two would come together to hold each other and kiss was a long unfulfilled dream. She had just gathered her courage to leave and search for the love that called to her out there when the baby came.2

A baby. It had been ten long years of desparately trying to have a baby. Each month waiting. longing to have a new life to love and care for with all her heart grow inside her had been meant with disappointment. Why now? Surely, this was a sign that maybe he was her true love and everything would change after the baby came. It had to be a sign that they were meant to be together, didn't it?3

For the next ten years she tried to make the dream come true. She was a wonderful mother and did create wonderful moments for her children to experience the fun and love of a mother and father together. The longing for true love was replaced by complacency and the need for her son and daughter to grow up in a single home. The moments of her soul's disappointment and need to be loved were, however, becoming too much and she knew as she had always known that her true love called for her out there. 4

He made the first move to bring about the break. She can still remember when he came in and said: " I think our marriage needs a vacation." A vacation, she thought. We are already in separate bedrooms. What about the children? Who would care for them? You and your mother was his answer and they can stay by themselves for the few hours in the early morning that you all are working at the same time. A ten year old and a four year old alone for hours in the wee hours of the morning was indeed the breaking point. Yes, their marriage did need a permanent vacation.5

He had not wanted a permanent vacation. He still depended on her for financial needs and he really had no where to go when he really thought about it. He cried like a baby when she went to see the divorce lawyer. She had no more compassion left for him, only sorrow. 6

It was not an easy break, although, they had discussed that they would make it so for the children. They had both verbalized the want for the children to know two loving parents and even if they couldn't live together anymore, the children would know that they would still be friends and provide loving times with them. Verbalized was the word alright. It was not intigrated into his actions. 7

She had allowed him to stay in the house and pay rent because his "vacation" had found another to love. He would at least be there for the children. HIs children that he loved so much. He tried to charge her for babysitting while she worked her night job. His was livid that he had been made to pay child support.8

The weeks following the divorce had become intolerable for her. He was always starting an argument and trying to find ways to obtain money since his one night a week pizza delivering job and the joint checking account that had been cut off did not meet is financial needs anymore. The confrontation was more than she had ever feared even though through the years the flicker of demon that lay dormant inside him had been seen rising in his soul on a few occasions.9

The final parting was like a dream in slow motion.  She had just woke up.  It was four in the afternoon.  The shift the night before had been hectic.  There had been lots of babies born and a transfer in from an out of state labor and delivery unit with another preterm labor to stop.  She knew her shift tonight would be just as busy and she was charge nurse tonight so she would have to be everywhere at the same time.  Her primary patient was pregnant with triplets at 28 weeks gestation and a silent prayer was said to let these babies stay in just four more weeks so their lungs could develop to the point where the two boys and the girl would be able to breath on their own when born.10

The children ran in the door as she came down the stairs.  "We're hungry.  Daddy didn't feed us."  They had been at the pool all day.  He came in behind them and proceeded to make himself a sandwich to eat before he went to deliver his pizzas his one night of work. She told the children to run and change and she would take them to Wendy's on the way to Grandma's.  She was so tired and tonight would be her fifth straight 12 hour shift.  The children would sleep over at Grandma's tonight since he was going to work.11

When the children left the room, she told him that this was the last straw.  He could pack his things and get out tonight.  "Don't be here in the morning when I get home from work!!!"  "You can't make me leave" he said.  "It's my house now and you will not stay here anymore" :she yelled. 12

"Well, I'm not leaving and you can't make me," he shouted.  "Watch this",she said.  She walked over to the telephone and dialed 911.  She told the operator that her ex-husband was in her house and would not leave and to please send the police to escort him out.  What was to follow would be one of her worst nightmares for years.13

He banged his fist on the table and stood up.  "i'll give them a reason to come".  The fist seemed to come out of nowhere and connected with her left eye. As she fell backwards into the wooden love seat chair, she saw the children hiding under the dining room table.  She stood up and said with all the bravery she could muster:  " LEAVE"!  The next blow to her face brought stars to her vision as she fell to the floor.  As he kicked her back with his boots, she shouted to the children to run to the neighbors.  Her son started for the phone and his father brought his fist back to hit him.  Praying that she wouldn't pass out she grabbed at her ex-husband he kicked her again and the children ran out the door.14

He left her lying on the floor and went to the room where he stored his guns.  She crawled across the wooden floor to the phone and diall 911. The operator told her to get out of the house when she explained that she had just called to have her ex-husband removed and that he had then beaten her.  The 911 operator told her to leave the house and that the police were on the way and to stay on the phone.15

She ran to her children who were hiding behind the neighbor's car.  The neighbor came quickly to the door as she banged and yelled for help.  The children ran into the safety of her neighbors house and she hid behind the car and watched for the police while she feared he would be coming out of the house with blazing guns.  The 911 operator kept her on the line telling her to stay away from the house that the officers would be there soon.16

Both the county and city law enforcement showed up in her driveway. She walked over to them making sure to keep her distance from the windows and doors of her house.  Her face hurt from the blows she had taken and tears streamed down her face.  Explainations were given and the officers walked slowly to the door with hands on guns.  They knocked loudly on the door and he came to the door as if they were old friends come to see him.  The police entered the house just as her sister pulled up in the driveway.  17

She ran to her sister's arms and they embraced and cried together.  Her sister looked at her and said: " We're going to the hospital."  The hospital she thought. I haven't called in.  She knew she would not be working tonight.  She looked down at herself. Her nightgown was still on and she was standing in her front yard.  The vunerability of having been physically invaded was magnified even more when she realized how naked she felt.  18

She started up the steps of her house when the police officer stopped her and said that she couldn't enter. Couldn't enter.  It was her house. It was her sanctuary and he could stay there but she couldn't enter her own home.  "I'm going to change clothes" : she said as she pushed passed the officer standing in the doorway.  "My sister is taking me to the hospital."  19

The deputy sheriff stood in the doorway of the gun room where her ex-husband was.  She quickly ran up the stairs to her bedroom and changed clothes.  Her head hurt and her back ached from being kicked.  She did not take the time to examine her injuries.  Running down the stairs with tears streaming down her cheeks and holding back her sobs, she grabbed her purse and ran to her sister and her children.  The rest of the night would be surreal.  She dissasociated and became an onlooker to the events that followed.20

The nursing supervisor was waiting at the emergency room door when she arrived.  He was a big man and he engulfed her with a hug of support and quickly took into a room so she would not have to go through the usual red tape most people face when they are treated in the emergency room.  By now the pain had set in.   She ached all over and she couldn't stop crying.  The children clung to her for safety and to reassure her.  Her son the ten year old kept saying: " It's going to be okay, Mom.  I'll take care of you."  Her daughter who was four years old patted her face and wiped the tears away as she cried also.  Grandma arrived at that moment and they all cried together as they embraced as one.21

The children left with their aunt and Grandma stayed to take care of her.  She shook uncontrollably as she had to undress again to put the hospital gown on so she could be examined.  The nursing supervisor wrapped her in a warm blanket and Grandma held her hand.  She could see both anger and love in Grandma's dark brown eyes.  She knew her ex-husband would be a dead man if Grandma got a hold of him.  It was a well known fact that one did not cross Grandma and live to tell about it as well she knew from her childhood whippings22

It was as if she was out of body and watching the doctors and nurses examine her, take x-rays, and treat her cuts and bruises.  She had done this once before when her first child had been born dead and she had to have a D&C to remove a retained placenta.  This just wasn't happening.  Things like this didn't happen to her or people she knew.23

She had sustained an orbital fracture to her left eye.  The tricep area of her arms were scraped and huge bruises were beginning to show from where she had been knocked against the wooden love seat in the dining room.  The bruises on her back were both internal and external over the kidneys.  The doctor prescribed a tetnus shot and prescription strength Modrin. She and Grandma walked down to the labor and delivery unit so she could see her friends.  There were hugs and tears and disbelief that something like this could happen to one of their own. It was nice to know she had the support of her friends.24

Grandma and she returned to her house in time to see him being escorted out of the house by two police officers but they did not arrest him.  He was carrying a bag of clothes and his scope rifle.  How could they let him do that?  After the clothes and toys for the children and herself were gathered, she and Grandma went to the sheriff's office to swear out a complaint to have him arrested.  It was all surreal.  How had it come to this?25

Since it was Saturday, a magistrate would not come in to execute the complaint.  Domestic abuse wasn't high on the arrest priority list.  He would escape taking any responsibility for his action for 10 years and then, it would not be for his actions against me but for pulling a gun on his second wife and her grown son.  By this point in time, my forgiveness had taken place and I was his life line while he served his jail time. In point of fact I helped save hime from years of prison time and he only had to serve thirty days in the county jail.  Yet, even to think about those years I still must described it in third person because that is how I experienced most of those years.  In times of extreme stress, I disassociate from myself and see things as if happening to another.  It would take years to learn how to be within myself and be happy.26

As I look back on the first twenty-one years of my adult life, I accomplished many things professionally. The most important was being chosen to be the mother of my most wonderful, loving, humorous, charming, giving, joyful, and fabulous son and daughter.  I have been truly blessed beyond words and I knew intuitively after my divorce that their was someone out there. 27

 I felt in the deepest part of my soul and heart that my life's love was  waiting for me.  I often searched the eyes of male strangers for that spark of recognition.  I would have a relationship for for 18 months after my divorce based only on physical attraction and an addiction to pheromones but in my heart and soul I knew there was someone special for me and me, alone.  The spark of recognition comes at a time when we least expect it. It may be only a fleeting moment but the impact is astounding and your heart knows immediately your love has arrived.  My wait was over.28

I had just returned to work after a back injury that had kept me off work for 3 months.  It was my first day back and I received a 94 year old little lady in my pod of rooms to admit to the rehabilitation center.  She was just about the most delicate and precious little lady I had ever met.  She was so sweet and gentle and kind.  29

I had just finished all the admission paper work and had walked out of her room when I saw my destiny walking down the hall.  His walk was so familiar to me in the dark recesses of my mind.  I remember he had on cream colored shorts and shirt with matching shoes and socks.  The careful attention and quality of how he dressed made him stand above the crowd.  He had the most unique walk I had ever seen.  He walked with a purpose and he walked with knee movement and not the usual hip movement walk the way most people walk.30

As our eyes met, I immediately had that spark of recognition.  I know him from somewhere, I thought.  I stood outside his aunt's room and watched and listened to their interaction while pretending to be studying the chart of the patient in the room beside her's. He was so gentle and kind and loving with her.  You could feel the love and bond that they shared.  I know him from somewhere but could not pinpoint where or when.31

When he came out of his aunt's room, I initiated a conversation with him and pretended to need his telephone number as her emergency contact.  I really did need it since she couldn't remember but I could have looked in her old chart. I ask him if he ever played golf; maybe that is where I had seen him.  "Years ago in Texas": he said.  Well that was not it since I had never been to Texas.32

He came predictably at 5:45 every afternoon to see his aunt.  He always bought her little treats.  We would exchange polite hellos and make small talk.  The connection was there and growing stronger each time I saw him. After a month of polite interaction,  he came out one evening and ask to take me out to dinner to repay me for all the care and kindness I had taken with his aunt. I aloofly said that would be nice.  He walked on down the hall to the elevators.  He didn't ask for my phone number, I thought.  It was just a nice jester on his part, not really a serious offer.  33

I dno't know what came over me but I immediately dove into my purse and got a card with my name and number and hurriedly walked to the elevator.  He had already gone down.  As I turned to walk back to my area, the elevator door opens and he says: "I forgot to get your number."  I reached into my pockets as if searching for something to write it on and then magically produced my card and gave it to him. " I'm going on vacation with my children and Mom tomorrow but I'll be back in a week": I said and with that he closed the elevator doors and left.  I floated back to my area.34

I couldn't stop thinking about him the whole week at the beach. Will he really call? No, he was just being nice. Maybe he will call.  I hope he calls.  Where do I know him from? Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.35

When we returned from the beach, I went to the hospital to say hello to all my friends and visit his aunt. "I'm back": I said. "I'll be in on Wednesday to take care of you again".  She smiled a very knowing smile and told me how much she had missed me taking care of her and was glad I was back.  I went back home to finish unpacking and then went over to Mom's to help her wallpaper her bedroom.36

We had just finished putting up the last piece when the phone rang.  It was him.  He had tracked me down at my Mom's.  He said my little girl had given him the number of where I was and hoped he was no intruding but would like to take me out to dinner this evening.  My heart was all aflutter and I could hardly catch my breath. "Yes, let me check my schedule for this evening and if I don't have anything planned with my children and Mom can babysit, that would be very nice."  I had nothing planned and Mom could always babysit.37

It was a magical nght.  He opened the car door for me to get in and also out at the resturant where we went.  What a gentleman!  The resturant was in a converted old house and the atmosphere was cozy and romantic.  He held my chair for me to sit down.  I had never been treated like this before.  The food and the wine were excellent. As we talked over the candle that flickered between us, I became more and more aware of the similarity of wording that we both used. We laughed at the same things and I didn't have to explain my dry witted jokes.  It was as if we communicated telepathically.38

He made sure that I ordered the best the menu had to offer and that I was happy with my choice.  He ordered dessert and coffee.  His manners were impecable.  I had never been treated so royally in my life. HIs very presence seemed larger than life and the resturant staff seemed to sense this also and were most solicitous and in turn, he was most generous to each of them.39

He held my hand as we walked to the car.  The moon was full and it was a warm summer night and the sky was filled with stars. We kissed and I saw fireworks in the sky.  His touch was electric and yet tender and soft. I could have floated home without ever touching the ground.  40

This dinner was the beginning of a relationship that was more than  soul mates.  We had each prayed to find someone this wonderful, loving. caring, compassionate, gentle, kind, generous, giving of the self beyond measure or care, and recieving the same in return.  Even now fourteen years later, our eyes can meet from across the room and the connection is so powerful that everyone and everything in the room seem to disappear and the love can  be felt not only by us but by everyone in the room.  It is as if time stands still and we are the only two people in the world. His energy engulfs me and warms me to the core of my soul. It is an experience that I have never had with anyone.41

Our love has only deepened with each passing day.  Even now as he prepares to transition to the next deminsion, each day is another opportunity to express our love and our soul connection strengthens so that I will be able to feel his presence when he has crossed over.  As my soul rejoices, my ego cries out in despair but I have come to the acceptance the path that he is to walk before me.  I will have faced my greatest fear of abandonment and will have learned the most important lesson of forgiveness for being left behind on this physical plane. 42

When our physical separation comes, I will eagerly await his spirit's return to love and comfort me and be my guide to the other side when my path here on earth is finished. The wait though long for us to find each other in this life is but meniscule to the our love that began before time and will continue until all time ends. Though our bodies were with others during the waiting period, our hearts searched and knew our love would be found.43

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