Harvey Lee

Knock, knock

“Shay check the door.” grandpa says through the walls.

“Okay!” I replied happily. I was thankful for the knocking intrusion to this bleak day. I opened the door and was surprised. It was Harvey Lee Flowers.

Harvey Lee was a big dark-skinned boy around sixteen years of age. His head was big and round but kind of handsome. I have known him ever since I was a little girl living with his momma. A little while after my mother died his mother, Miss Manlee, took me to live with her and her children. She had one daughter and three sons living with her, even though she had six other children who were living on their own at the time.

I don’t remember how long I lived with Harvey Lee and his family. I do remember being treated like a little girl. I wasn’t fussed at but I was discipline when needed. Even though she had sons living with her and they are no kin to me, not once was I touched or sexually harassed while living with her. No man or boy tried to touch or made any sexual or physical advances toward me as long I was living with her. Her sons, even Harvey Lee, treated me like their baby sister.

I remember Harvey Lee always played rough and I always hit him. He was a wild rowdy child. He liked to hit on the smaller kids. Since Harvey Lee and I were just about a two to three years apart, I was able to keep him from picking on me too much and when he did I was able to fight him off or I would just tell his momma. Harvey Lee wasn’t mean but he liked to pick on people a lot.

I felt safe living with Miss Manlee. She was my new momma. I loved her in my own special way. I couldn’t fully experience love in my heart because I was still broken by my mother’s sudden death.

Everywhere Miss Manlee went she took me with her. The best thing about her is the fact she didn’t make me clean up. But I did help out from time to time because I felt that I should. One day my world fell apart again. My Aunt Pat came and took me away from Miss Manlee’s home. I believed for years that Miss Manlee didn’t want me anymore and wanted to get rid of me. I cried pondering what I did wrong to make her not want me anymore. The feeling of not being loved occupied my thoughts once again.

I pushed Miss Manlee into a far place in my heart. I didn’t want to be reminded of her too much. Every time Miss Manlee said something to me I block her out because I was thinking you didn’t want me to live with you so you don’t have anything to say to me. Now I know I should’ve listened to her even though I wasn’t living with her. I just couldn’t get over feeling like she rejected me.

I found out when I was much older that Aunt Pat had accused Miss Manlee’ sons of sexually abusing me. The accusations were untrue. I loved living with Miss Manlee and her children. Leaving Miss Manlee’s home was equivalent to losing my momma all over again. Not only did I lose a second mother, I also felt like I have lost a sister and three brothers when I left that house.

My Aunt Pat immediately began physically abusing me as soon as I moved back with her and my grandpa. Her accusing me of wanting her men, cursing, and degrading me began almost as soon as I walked into the front door.

“Hey, Shay.” Harvey Lee says while walking into the bedroom with my grandpa. Harvey Lee comes over sometimes to visit grandpa. They talked about everything. Sometimes I’ll listen to their colorful conversations. I noticed Harvey Lee looking at me strangely. I got up and went into the kitchen.

“Hey, Shay what are you doing in here?” Harvey Lee asks peeking into the kitchen as if it was his business as to what I was doing. I just look at him without saying a word. I pretended that I was too busy to pay him much attention. Harvey Lee just kept talking and talking. I wasn’t paying him any attention. I had my back turned to him the whole time. Suddenly he stopped talking, I turned around

“Agggh! Harvey Lee move!” I screamed. He was standing directly behind me. He gave me quite a scare but I didn’t admit that to him. He was enjoying himself a little too much.

“Ha! Ha! You were scare were you?” I didn’t answer him. I pushed by him and went on by my business. He followed me around until I talked with him. I usually didn’t talk with anyone but Harvey Lee persisted. Harvey Lee and I talked about many things. I was amazed how funny Harvey Lee was and that we had a lot in common. We had a lot to talk about.

Harvey Lee came over to the house everyday to talk and hang out. Sometimes he would play with the babies until they got sleepy. He was helpful around the house too. He helped me wash dishes and cook. When we didn’t have enough to eat, he would go home and steal food from his mother’s freezer and bring it over for us to eat.

I began feeling something strange toward Harvey Lee. He asked me could he touch my breasts. He was the first man to ever ask me to touch me before he actually tried to touch. I was scared at first. I nodded yes. My bones wouldn’t let me be still as he rubbed and sucked on my nipples. I felt sensations I never felt before. I actually was sexually aroused by him.

Men had touched my breasts many times before but I never felt pleasure. When Harvey Lee touched my breasts I felt compelled to put my hands on his head and moan as he worked his magic on me. I felt so good and relaxed. We did this for months. Harvey Lee will come over and stay all day. Sometimes he brought movies and video games. We spent a lot of time together.

“Shay can I have some?” this set me off. As I look back I realize I was scared of getting close to someone, in addition, I wasn‘t ready to have intercourse. Even though I have had intercourse before, I was in control now and I wasn’t ready. I kicked Harvey Lee out of the house and refused to open the door when he came back over to the house.

“Shay why don’t you like me?” Harvey Lee asks staring me straight into the eyes.

“You want to have sex with me!”

“Shay I like you and someday you and I are going to get married. I will wait to have sex with you until then.” Harvey Lee says as serious as a preacher. He said this as if it was no doubt in his mind what he had said would come true. “You will be old enough to marry in a few years. But can I still suck on you titties? I won‘t ask you for any pussy anymore”

“No!” I screamed. I really wanted Harvey Lee as a boyfriend very much, but Aunt Pat would never allow me to have a boyfriend. In addition, I believed that I don’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t want to get into trouble because of Harvey Lee. I was doomed to not have a boyfriend while I was living in this house. Several boys have asked Aunt Pat was it okay for them to talk to me and she always replied no. Aunt Pat pretended as if none of the boys were good enough for me. She wanted me to go with Harvey Lee’s older brother and Taylor. I wasn’t attracted to Harvey Lee’s older brother and I Taylor tried to have sex with me when I was just a young girl. I wasn’t going to be with a man I knew would mess with a child, plus I was still too young for Taylor. Several boys flirted with me. I never return the gestures, even from guys I found attractive.

I was angry at Aunt Pat for not allowing me to have a boyfriend. Almost every girl in my class had a boyfriend. Many of my classmates thought that I didn’t have a boyfriend because I couldn’t get a boyfriend, but they were wrong. I don’t blame them for thinking this way since I never shared my home life with my classmates. I never told any of them about the abuse and about my Aunt Pat refusing to allow me to have a boyfriend. I never talked to any of my classmates about anything. Throughout my school career I stayed to myself never sharing anything about myself. People thought that I was shy. I was never shy or too scared to talk with someone. I just felt that my life was over at a very young age. I was too caught up with my depression to socialize.

After a few weeks of me rejecting him, Harvey Lee announces that he is going with another girl down the street. He looked at me as he was talking. I didn’t feel anything. Harvey Lee kept on repeating himself as if I was hard of hearing. I heard him just fine but didn’t care. I did wondered why he wanted me to know about his private life. I wanted him to have someone else so he can leave me alone.

I left Harvey Lee there in the front room talking about his new girlfriend. I wanted to go to Ed’s store before the babies wake up from their nap. Harvey Lee followed closely behind me talking about how big of a catch he is and how much his girlfriend wanted him. I did a great job of ignoring him. I didn’t understand anything else that came out of his mouth. Harvey Lee finally walked away after we crossed the railroad tracks. I looked back at him. He had a sad look on his face. I felt sorry for him. Before I went back into nobody wants to be around mode. It was easier for me to feel that no one liked me than to know that someone does want me. I have gotten used to being alone and lonely so I didn’t want him or anyone else to break up this reality.

About three months later Harvey Lee came back over to the house with a girl. “This is my girlfriend.” he says proudly. His girlfriend was one of my classmates. I thought that it was good for Harvey Lee to have a girlfriend. Why I felt this way? I don’t know. I just knew I wanted him to leave me alone.

“Did you hear me Shay? This is my girlfriend.” Harvey Lee says pointing at Martha.

“So! Good for you.” I say turning to go to the kitchen to get myself some water. Out of no where Harvey Lee tackles me. He had me bended over the arm of our couch trying to kiss me.

“Quit Harvey Lee! Quit! Your girlfriend sees you!” I screamed. I looked over his shoulders. She just stood there looking at us. She didn’t say a word.

“I want you Shay. You are my girlfriend.” Harvey Lee says still pending me down.

“Harvey Lee you have to give your girlfriend some respect.” I told him feeling sorry for Martha. He finally let me up off the couch staring at me.

All of the sudden Martha began coming over to my house wanting to hang out with me, especially when she doesn’t know where Harvey Lee was. Harvey Lee still came over to my house hanging out with me and my grandpa. He still brought over food and things for me.

I never allowed him to touch me while he was dating Martha. I don’t remember how much time had passed before Harvey Lee and I started our reiterated relationship. Same rules applied this time around as before hugs, kissing, touching, but no intercourse. I don’t know what he saw in me. I knew good and well that he was having sexual intercourse with Martha. I don’t know why he wanted a girlfriend he couldn’t have intercourse with.

Harvey Lee came over as usual. This time was different. I talked to him about how Aunt Pat treated me and how much I wanted to get away from it all.

“Come on Shay. Momma will let you live with us you know that.” Harvey says while he was packing up my things. He tried to convince me to move out on several other occasions.

“Stop Harvey Lee!” I wanted him to ask his mother before I came over with bags in hand.

“Okay, I will be back later this evening okay. Momma will love to have back in the house.” he says hugging me.

“Okay.”

“Mr. Charlie, do you have any aspirins? My head hurts.” Harvey Lee asks my grandpa.

“No, I don’t have any.” grandpa says smoking on his pipe on the porch.

I watched Harvey Lee ride his bike down the road. A scared feeling came over my heart. I wanted to call after him, but he said he is coming back over this evening. As I watch him ride down the road, I never knew that it would be the last time I will ever see him.

“I don’t know why I didn’t leave with Harvey Lee. I know Miss Manlee will allow me to live with her.” I said to myself. I packed my clothes. I didn’t take everything because I had many clothes. I will let Harvey Lee get the rest of my things tomorrow. I am not coming back over here anymore. I don’t care how mad Aunt Pat gets. This was one time I would’ve defied Aunt Pat and my grandpa. I was moving out.

The evening came and then night came. Harvey Lee never lied to me about coming over before. I had my things packed ready to move out of this house. “What happen to Harvey Lee, Lord?” I screamed at the Jesus picture upon the living room wall. I began crying uncontrollably. I felt so scared, alone, and abandon. I am ready to go. I was ready to leave this place.

I heard some loud firecrackers pop. A lot of commotion is coming from outside. I slipped on my shoes. My subconscious mind told me to stay and I did. I stayed inside even though I was tempted to walk down the road to see what was happening. There was a small club about two blocks away. I sometimes sit in kitchen listening to the loud music.

Harvey Lee still hasn’t came over. I can’t believe he lied to me. I cried myself asleep. I finally gotten up the courage to leave and look what happens. Harvey Lee will come over like he said he would I know he will. Any other time he would’ve been here with me. I cried myself to sleep. Aunt Pat woke me up.

“Shay, Harvey Lee is dead.”

I didn’t hear anything else she said. I was in death shock. It was a blessing that was still sitting in the couch, because I fainted.

Harvey Lee Flowers my first boyfriend dead at seventeen years old. My escape is dead.

Harvey Lee had stopped to watch a couple of grown men fight. He always like to be where something is happening. He was just around the corner from my house when he was shot in the head by a stray bullet. No one got hurt, except for Harvey Lee. He should’ve came on over to my house like he said he was, instead of, stopping to watch people fight. I was so heartbroken.