Confessions Of A Boy-Crazed Fourteen Year Old (Part 3)

Monday, September 8th1

Well, today was just an average day in my pathetic little life. Went to school. Had a drama presentation. Aced a business test. Failed a math quiz. Laughed at the science teacher with Jose again. Oh yeah, and I ruined my life by making an idiot of myself in front of the entire school. Just your typical day as Ariel Rhiannon Adams. But perhaps I should start at the beginning?2

On the phone with Emma that Friday night after the elbow incident, we decided I needed to start planning my Andy encounters in advance. You see, I am not the kind of person who can do anything unscripted and pull it off. I am horrible at first impressions. I am clumsy, I don’t think before I speak, I never think anything through and I have a bad habit of humiliating myself. Remember the bee incident? The auditorium incident?  The Mexico/Brazil incident? And so many more I haven’t even told you about! 3

I thought long and hard all night, but couldn’t think up a plan. I didn’t find it until the next day, Saturday, when Emma and I had our weekly mall outing.4

We were sitting around the food court, people watching, gossping and munching on deep fried fat sticks (french fries) while we tried to think up my plan. 5

“Maybe. . .” I said slowly, chewing on my fry, “I could push Andy’s girlfriend in front of a car, killing her. . .or at least disfiguring her so horribly he’ll never want to see her again. Then, I’ll sweep in to console him and he’ll end up falling in love with me. Sound like a plan?” Emma laughed.6

“You’re so horrible, Air.”7

“Yeah, but you love me anyway. So seriously, what can I do? I need to think up something to make Andy love me and ditch his skanky girlfriend.”8

“How about talking to him?”9

“No, that won’t go over well, trust me. What would I say? ‘Hi, I’m the girl who bruised your abdomen last Friday?’ or ‘Remember me? I’m that freak who always stares at you and drools on the bus?’”10

“Yeah, good point. Oh my gods, look at that girl’s outfit!”11

“Is she wearing a trucker hat? Talk about a crime against fashion! Damn you Ashton Kutcher for making that look acceptable!” 12

We giggled at the girls ridiculously outdated getup before I had a second stroke of genius.13

“Ok, I’ve got it. You, being the playette you are, start dating one of his friends. Then not only can you introduce me, you can get all the dirt on what he likes and doesn’t like so I can become his dream girl! Plus we’ll make up some lie about his skanky girlfriend to get her out of the picture. . .or just push her in front of a car. . .”14

“Air!” Emma cried, throwing her fries in my face. I laughed and threw them back. The food court cleaning lady started glaring at us evily, so we stopped tossing our food around and quieted our giggling.15

“What’s with her?” 16

“No clue. Maybe her hair net’s too tight!” We laughed again.17

“Oh my gods, Ariel!” Emma said, her eyes lighting up. “I have the best plan ever. I mean, I have figured it out. I know how to get Andy to like you, without pimping me out or pushing anyone in front of a car.”18

“Ok,” I giggled, taking a sip from our shared Diet Coke. “Let’s hear it.”19

“It is so simple! I can’t get why we didn’t think of it before!” 20

Emma continued on, torturing me. “Ok! Come on, just tell me!” I cried.21

“Here it is, the master plan,” Emma said dramatically. “You. . .”22

“COME ON!” I yelled, flicking my fries back at her. The cleaning lady gave us the evil eye again, but we ignored her. 23

“. . .be. ..yourself!” Emma finished triuphanlty. “That’s right, just be you. Go up to him and be like ‘I’m Ariel. I like you, and if you don’t like me then it’s your loss.’ Seriously, if he doesn’t like you for you, then he’s so not worth your time.” Emma looked at me pointedly and smiled. “Sound good?” 24

“You’ve been watching Oprah again, haven’t you?” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Come on, let’s go shop more.”25

So Emma and I continued walking the length of the mall, and that’s when I discovered my plan. The Master Plan. The One And Only Plan That Will Win Me My Andy. And I found it in the most obvious place. The magazine rack. Emma begins flipping through “O,” that Oprah magazine, not much to my surprise. I began flipping through the pages of YM, in search of the latest half naked Orlando Bloom poster to hang on my wall. In between the pages of size 0  models in low rise jeans and lipgloss advertisements, I found my plan.26

“How To Find Your Soulmate: A Step by Step Process On Getting Your Dream Guy!”27

BRILLIANT! Why hadn’t I checked my magazines before? I mean, nothing knows more on how to get a boyfriend than teen magazines! I payed for the YM on the spot, and memorized the article. I couldn’t wait until today came, so I could go to school and get started on Getting My Dream Guy.28

How stupid and niave of me. I wish I knew then what I knew now. . .29

*STEP ONE: LOOK AND FEEL YOUR BEST, BECAUSE CONFIDENCE IS SEXY! Dress up in your hottest outfit, the one that makes you feel like (and look like) a total goddess! Then walk like you own everything in the room. He’ll definitely be into how confident you are around others, and how you don’t get intimidated easily! Don’t look too pushy, though. Make sure you smile coyly, so he doesn’t think you’re snotty or agressive. Trust us, he won’t be able to get your image out of his head for the rest of the day!*30

So, being the clueless 14 year old I am, I followed this instruction to the letter. I took a long shower, shaved my legs and blow dried my hair so it was pin straight. Then, I got dressed in my cutest outfit. Then changed my mind and put on a different outfit, which I deemed the cutest. After changing my mind three more times, I finally picked what I was going to wear; a sporty blue mini skirt with a white stripe up each side, matching sporty zip-up sweatshirt and a plain white t-shirt underneath, with a cute pair of white tennis shoes. I looked adorable.31

On my walk to the bus stop that morning, the sky opened up and it started to pour rain. Normally, nothing would make me happier. I love rain! Unfortunately, my hair does not. I started to run to the bus stop, hoping that I could hide in the shelter and try to salvage my hair before the rain completely frizzed it out. I raced to the shelter and whipped a mirror out of my purse. I was too late. My hair was drenched, curly, and frizzing out all over. That looked bad enough in it’s own, but keep in mind I have bangs. Bangs! Do you have any idea how ridiculous one looks with CURLY BANGS? Why was I cursed with such curly hair? What did I do to deserve this? I must have killed a king in a past life, because now I’m stuck with a fate worse than death.32

My banana yellow school bus pulled to a stop in fornt of me, thankfully not splashing me, and I trudged up the steps. I dropped into the seat next to Emma, who also looked like a drowned rat. She started to laugh and gave me a hug. “You tried so hard Air, I know, but gods you look ridiculous!” I started to laugh with her and by the time the bus pulled up to Andy’s stop, I was smiling and in a good mood again. So I decided to try the next part of step one: smiling coyly.33

Looking back, I should have found out what “coy” meant first. Instead of looking shy yet cute, I looked more like the Grinch Who Stole Chirstmas. Yep, so here I am in all my glory: frizzy hair, curly bangs, soaking wet “hot” outfit and a Grinch-esque smile to top it all off. Wow. And I thought my first, second, third and fourth impressions were bad.34

I really have a hard time learning from my mistakes. Any normal human being would have realized that today was the worst day possible to continue the whole “look cute! be sexy!” thing. I, on the other hand, thought I could recover from this with a walk of confidence off the bus, looking sexy and powerful but not pushy. So I waited until Andy was almost off the bus, then slipped in front of him, flashing my Grinch smile. In the background, I could feel Emma wince in pain at my actions. I walked my best walk all the way down to the edge of the bus, like a supermodel on a catwalk, then started down the stairs and off the bus. 35

It was too bad I had settled on the white tennis shoes that morning. Those things have absoluetly no traction on them, so it was easy for me to slip on the wet stairs. 36

I fell directly on my ass onto the wet, muddy stairs, and slid down to the bottom and out into the rain. Behind me, I could hear the bus load of kids cracking up. “Haha, clutzy red-head’s at it again!” “That Air’s such an Air-head!” (Like I’ve never heard that one before.) I stood up and tried to dust myself off like nothing had happened. Everyone could see through my facade, since my face was beet red and I was near tears.37

“Ariel, you have mud all over your skirt!” Emma called to me, as she pushed her way to the front of the bus. I turned to look and found that the back of my skirt was covered in mud, as well as most of my legs. I slipped off my sweatshirt and tied it around my waist, trying desperatley to stop my lip from trembling. ‘Don’t cry here, Air,’ I thought to myself. ‘You look ridiculous enough already without being a crybaby.’38

“White t-shirt in pouring rain, yeah smart idea kid!” Some guy shouted at me as he rode past on his bike. I looked down, and realized that my lacy hot pink bra was now completely visible through my drenched t-shirt. Stupid Ariel! Who wears a pink bra with a white shirt?39

“This is the worst day of my life!” I cried to Emma, while trying to fight back my tears. 40

“Come one, let’s just get inside!” She replied, taking my arm and leading me towards the school doors.41

And that was when Andy chose to walk past me. He laughed to himself, shaking his head and staring at me, with my wet curly frizzy hair, muddy skirt, legs and shoes, soaking wet white t-shirt and tears forming in the back of my eyes. And you know what? I’d bet he couldn’t get that image of me out of his head all day.42