Helena panted, weakened from not having fed that night. The trees were still shadowy blurs as she ran through the darkened forest, still hearing however faintly the running footsteps and shouting of the violent mob behind her.
Neither the land nor the skies were safe that night. Mortals on the ground hunted her, convinced that she was a woman submerged in the evil depths of witchcraft. Helena frowned indignantly thinking “I’ve been around for one thousand and some odd years, and now in the 1600’s with this blasted witch hunting craze I’m noticed.”
“This is ridiculous, driven from a quiet town and exiled from the skies.” Helena nervously glanced upwards at that thought to the purplish gray streaks left in the sky. “They’ve kept a close tail on me.” Helena began exerting more of her strength into her running with that sight, hoping to find a cave to take shelter and hide in.
Helena was an exile from her maker’s clan of ancient vampires from Rome. Now her clan had combined forces with their allies, traveling across Europe trying to track her down to see that she received her punishment, which was in this case death by her life force drain.
Helena shuddered, thinking about the few other times she had seen the gruesome ritual performed on the damned souls that were being given the worst punishment possible in the Vampiric Laws. Not only were they forever condemned from the clan…but they would be dead once and for all, never to awake again to stalk unsuspecting mortals in the night.
As if the worry of having to escape that fate weren’t enough the enemy clans were pursuing her as well to try to draw her in as a spy, although no matter what she would still be shunned by any blood drinker in that clan. Helena would be an exile in her world for the rest of eternity no matter where she turned to go.
Now, still running after almost 1000 years they were finally catching up to her. How they did it however was a mystery to her seeing as she had managed to sever all contact and erase all tracks that they could trace to her. Helena had made sure there was no possible way of her being tracked not only by physical traces, but she had blocked her mind from prying forces and avoided contact with any blood drinker. She had severed herself from her world entirely.
Helena started suddenly thinking maybe she hadn’t been so careful in avoiding all vampires as she thought, maybe he had betrayed her.
Jolting out of her thoughts, Helena held her breath when she heard the sound of wings behind her. She let that breath out with a frantic gasp as she looked over her shoulder at the sky full of blood drinkers. She at once realized that the clearing she was in had given her away and that there was almost no escape for her now especially in her weakened state.
Helena poured the last of her supernatural powers into her running covering almost 20 leagues a minute. She charged out of the clearing and into the thick cover of the trees. Helena listened thinking she heard a screamed command from the leading vampire. Breaking concentration on her running for a moment she turned her head once more to look and see how much distance she had stretched between herself and the army, or if they could even see her anymore beneath the thick foliage. She could still hear the rush of wings but could not see them.
She turned her head back around, and in that split second a small boulder caused her to trip. She was catapulted through the air as her great speeds were very suddenly reduced to nothing and crashed headlong into a thick tree.
Looking around at what was very quickly becoming a great blur Helena lost consciousness just as the sounds of beating wings stopped all around her and the clans began to close in.
Neither the land nor the skies were safe that night. Mortals on the ground hunted her, convinced that she was a woman submerged in the evil depths of witchcraft. Helena frowned indignantly thinking “I’ve been around for one thousand and some odd years, and now in the 1600’s with this blasted witch hunting craze I’m noticed.”
“This is ridiculous, driven from a quiet town and exiled from the skies.” Helena nervously glanced upwards at that thought to the purplish gray streaks left in the sky. “They’ve kept a close tail on me.” Helena began exerting more of her strength into her running with that sight, hoping to find a cave to take shelter and hide in.
Helena was an exile from her maker’s clan of ancient vampires from Rome. Now her clan had combined forces with their allies, traveling across Europe trying to track her down to see that she received her punishment, which was in this case death by her life force drain.
Helena shuddered, thinking about the few other times she had seen the gruesome ritual performed on the damned souls that were being given the worst punishment possible in the Vampiric Laws. Not only were they forever condemned from the clan…but they would be dead once and for all, never to awake again to stalk unsuspecting mortals in the night.
As if the worry of having to escape that fate weren’t enough the enemy clans were pursuing her as well to try to draw her in as a spy, although no matter what she would still be shunned by any blood drinker in that clan. Helena would be an exile in her world for the rest of eternity no matter where she turned to go.
Now, still running after almost 1000 years they were finally catching up to her. How they did it however was a mystery to her seeing as she had managed to sever all contact and erase all tracks that they could trace to her. Helena had made sure there was no possible way of her being tracked not only by physical traces, but she had blocked her mind from prying forces and avoided contact with any blood drinker. She had severed herself from her world entirely.
Helena started suddenly thinking maybe she hadn’t been so careful in avoiding all vampires as she thought, maybe he had betrayed her.
Jolting out of her thoughts, Helena held her breath when she heard the sound of wings behind her. She let that breath out with a frantic gasp as she looked over her shoulder at the sky full of blood drinkers. She at once realized that the clearing she was in had given her away and that there was almost no escape for her now especially in her weakened state.
Helena poured the last of her supernatural powers into her running covering almost 20 leagues a minute. She charged out of the clearing and into the thick cover of the trees. Helena listened thinking she heard a screamed command from the leading vampire. Breaking concentration on her running for a moment she turned her head once more to look and see how much distance she had stretched between herself and the army, or if they could even see her anymore beneath the thick foliage. She could still hear the rush of wings but could not see them.
She turned her head back around, and in that split second a small boulder caused her to trip. She was catapulted through the air as her great speeds were very suddenly reduced to nothing and crashed headlong into a thick tree.
Looking around at what was very quickly becoming a great blur Helena lost consciousness just as the sounds of beating wings stopped all around her and the clans began to close in.
Author notes
This is my first attempt at putting a story on here. Please be honest. Not as great of a story writer as I am a poet. Hope you enjoy!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I hope you finish this one!
Such wonderful setting you create!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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i think this was a very good first try. i give kudos, lots of them. also great choice in genre! love it. i'lll be looking forward to more from this story and from you!
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This was pretty good i'm not really much of a vampire person my self but my gf really gets into it and i'm sure she would love this your writing really flows and the end leaves me wanting more put some gore in it and man this would be a great story.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 3.
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Thanks verryyy much for your imput! It's much appreciated! Check up with the next chapter coming up...i've already got some interesting ideas and it may very well get a little bit gorier. and there is definate possibility for what has been a quietly ongoing war throughout the vampire world for millions of years to suddenly explode into chaos. but those are just a few ideas. glad you enjoyed!
~Sorrow~
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Good first attempt
For your first attempt this is really good, i liked the flow of the story and the ending was good too. One thing is that the ending ends really quick so you should try and slow it down as it will interest the reader more. But for your first attempt at a story this is very impressive. Good work, i would like to see another sotry from you to see how your progress. Kepp up the good work you have alot of potencial and talent.

1 - 5 of 5


