Lisa had been finding little notes for over two weeks now. They were in her shoes, stuck to the fridge, slipped into the pocket of her favourite blouse. Everywhere.
The thought had crossed her mind to be a bit scared. But, she had dismissed that quickly. They were such lovely notes, surely their author could mean her no harm.
As she pulled on her jacket, ready to go out for the day, another one fell out and landed at her feet.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, even the stars aren’t as mesmerising as you” she read out loud, in a soft voice. The note gave her a glow inside her belly. Pushing it back into her pocket, she smiled into the mirror, before stepping out the door.
It was about an hour later when Michael entered Lisa’s apartment. He could smell her perfume in the air. He didn’t like the fragrance. Wrinkling his nose, he quickly scribbled a note, and left it in the bathroom cabinet. Removing a small package from his jacket pocket, he set it down on her dresser before leaving.
Lisa woke up, stretched out on the sofa a few hours later.
“I guess I must have tired myself out today.” She said to herself, as she ran a hand through her hair, and yawned. “A nice cool shower will wake me up!”
Making her way into the bathroom, Lisa saw the note straight away. Stuck to the mirror of the bathroom cabinet, the bold lettering stood out clearly. Three simple words, that made her heart jump onto her throat with nervous excitement.
‘SEE YOU SOON’
Her shower now forgotten, Lisa pulled the note down, and stroked the soft paper, feeling the indents from the writing, as though she were reading Braille. It was then that she noticed the watermark on the paper. It was the special one she had bought on holiday, as a souvenir. A bubble of laughter escaped her lips, as she imagined her admirer sneaking around looking for a pad of paper, after maybe forgetting to bring his own. She just hoped he didn’t forget to tell her where and when to meet him, though.
“I wonder what he looks like,” she murmured gently, walking across the room to her dresser. Her apartment was painted in warm creams and golds, with soft furniture upholstered in Baroque designs. The whole place was aglow now, at dusk, with a wonderful golden light, making her feel like an angel as she glided over the polished wood floor. Her dresser sat against one wall, next to a large pot plant in an ornate gilt stand. She fondled a leaf as she sat down on the dressers stool. Picking up a hairbrush, she began running it softly through her long auburn hair. A small package caught her attention, sitting on the edge of the dresser. Reaching for it, she discovered it contained a bottle of perfume, different to the brand she normally wore. With shaking hands, as she knew the gift must have come from her admirer, she removed the elegant crystal stopper, and breathed in the scent. It smelled of lilies, and ginger, and far away places, and she loved it.
Michael gazed down at the bed, with its soft eiderdown cover. He ran a hand over the body-shaped indent. It was still warm. He knew he couldn’t let her find him yet, not just yet. He had to wait just a little longer. There was a new scent in the air, and on the pillow. He smiled to himself. She was wearing her new perfume.
He moved across the room and entered the small kitchenette. A couple of dishes sat in the sink. A small vase of daffodils stood on the tiny windowsill. The walls were painted a familiar shade of lemon. Michael stood still for a moment, allowing himself to just breathe in the place. A wave of excitement almost took him over, and he shook his head.
“Not yet, not yet, not yet.” He repeated, like a mantra. Oh, how he loved this place, and Lisa. It would be so easy just to do it now, to let her see him, know he was there. To be with her forever…….
But he mustn’t.
He was getting better though. Better at not letting her suspect he was there. He was able to visit whenever he wished now, and she never knew, apart from the notes he left, that he had been there. He hadn’t been caught. And he needed only a short while before he was strong enough to be there permanently.
With a sigh of happiness, he went to the bathroom and took a small bottle from the cabinet. That was the last thing he needed to do. Now he just had to wait……
It was a couple of days later that Lisa found another note. She was so relieved when it fell out of her mail as she scooped up the envelopes from the doormat. She had thought he may have forgotten about her. Or given up on her. Or didn’t love her anymore. And that scared her. She had grown to love this stranger, who sent her such touching messages, and made her feel so special. Unfolding it eagerly, she read the message aloud, as she always did, to make it more real.
“Tonight, my love, 8pm. Tonight, we shall become one.”
Lisa barely remained standing as she read. Her emotions crashed through her body, as the excitement boiled up. She had slept in late that morning. It was already one in the afternoon.
‘That only gives me seven hours’ she thought to herself.
She began by laying out an outfit on her bed. A crimson dress, with ruffled sleeves, that always made her hair look resplendent. She added a matching pair of high heeled shoes, and a gold belt. She would slip into them later, once she had made more preparations.
A shower was next on the list, and she made her way into her little en-suite. She twisted the knobs and let the water begin to flow and heat up as she undressed and brushed her teeth. As she brushed, she had another look in the cabinet for her pills. She had lost them a few days ago. They had just disappeared. She wasn’t too worried though. Her illness didn’t seem to be affecting her without them. And she could always just get some more from her doctor.
She stepped out of the shower ten minutes later, and wrapped herself in a soft aqua green towel. Once dry, she slipped into jeans and a shirt, and set off for town to pick up some ingredients for a meal she would cook later.
Michael stepped into the apartment moments before Lisa returned. He knew he shouldn’t be there, he knew he should have just waited a couple more hours….. but he couldn’t resist. The place looked so cosy and inviting. She had gotten new curtains, to match the pattern of the sofa, and a new ornament adorned the small fireplace. It wasn’t really to Michaels taste if he was honest. He carefully took it down and put it away in a cupboard.
Walking into the bedroom, Michael took a moment to admire the dress. The colour was so striking, the fabric so silky. It was wonderful. He could barely contain his excitement at having Lisa as his own soon. With a soft, barely audible moan of anticipation, he slipped back into the background to wait…..
Lisa was ready. She had been dressed for ages. Her hair had been brushed till it shone. Dinner was cooking slowly in the oven. The apartment looked neat and tidy. All she had to do now was wait.
The clock struck eight, and made her jump as it delicately chimed the hour. It was then that she heard the voice.
“Hello Lisa.” It was barely more than a whisper, yet it was clear in her ears. It came from INSIDE her.
“Wh…what? Who’s there?” She asked out loud, swinging round to see if anybody stood behind her. There was no-body there.
“It’s me Lisa. The one who sent you all the notes. It’s eight o’clock. Time for our date.”
It took Lisa a moment to realise that her mouth was moving, that it was SHE who was speaking. Confusion overtook her, and she sat there like a rag doll.
“Lisa, don’t be scared. You know how much I love you. I want to be with you!”
She finally found her own voice. “What’s happening? Am I asleep? Is this a dream?”
”No Lisa, this is no dream. You remember when you went to hospital? You were there a long time, Lisa. They were trying to help you stop hearing voices. Do you remember?”
“Ye….yes, I remember. Is that what you are? One of my voices?”
”Yes, if you want to look at it like that. I am the one they couldn’t get rid of.” Her own laughter sounded alien to her ears.
“What do you want? Why have you come back?”
“I want YOU, Lisa. That’s all. And I haven’t come back. I never went away. I was simply biding my time. Making sure you were weak enough for me to return. I took your pills, Lisa. They made me weaker, so I took them away.”
Lisa could almost feel two brains inside her head, fighting for space. She was dimly aware that she was not moving, yet her own hand was running through her hair. She tried to move it away, and found she couldn’t.
“Shhh now. Don’t fight it, Lisa. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to be in you. I want to BE you.”
Lisa lost the fight, as Michael gently eased her subconscious back inside her mind. He took a deep breath and allowed himself to fill her completely. He tested the body, by standing up. It stood. He spoke out loud “I am Michael” and heard her voice, HIS voice, ring clear. He smiled. It was over, he had won.
Walking back into the bedroom, he once again admired the dress. Such a beautiful colour, such a wonderful feel. He loved the way it caressed every curve of his body. It made him feel so feminine. So like Lisa.
In a list
A contest entry
- Internal Romance by Vernatia.
175 points, ended July 24, 2007, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Writer's Challenge: Round X by Asfand.
175 points, ended October 19, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Twisted & Sad ~
I really liked Lisa, she was soft and sweet and sugary ~ like a fragile petal ~
WOnderful twist in the very end, pretty creepy ~
Theme ~ 9/10 -- Loved the theme, it was wonderfully protrayed and over all, pretty well penned down too ~
Originality ~ 13.6/15 -- Originality is another nice factor in your story, it is pretty original, for me at least as I don;t recall any similar plot ~
Flow ~ 22.4/25 -- The flow was quite nice, though some fragmented words didn't help and your use of 'or' in sentence beginnings ~
Feeling ~ 18.5/20 -- Heavy feeling in this, confusing and frightening and beautifully haunting ~
Structure ~ 27.8/30 -- I contradict my judge though, this was a wonderful story, greatly put to words ~
Total 91.3/100
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wow that was... creepy. lol. Good job.
Score!
Theme- 8/10 > This was great, but it seemed just a little shallow to me.
Originality- 12/15 > Wonderfully original. The twist at the end gave it everything.
Flow- 15/25 > The transitions in the piece were next to non existant. It was very choppy every time you switched points of view and that made it more difficult to read. Even within your paragraphs it felt rushed.
Feeling- 18/20 > Okay this had me wanting to jump inside your story and thoroughly thrash Lisa. I kept wanting to screem "what an idiot!" lol. So this was good. I felt some of the feelings of your characters were shallow, though, and so that's why I took points off.
Structure- 20/30 > You're two thirds of the way there with structure. A bit of polishing and it would shine. Some of the rushed feeling from the lack of transitions could be because you have no separation between your paragraphs when you switch points of view.
Total- 73/100
Good job, and good luck in the contest! -
Wow, you're really good with twists! I expected this one to be a horror with Michael murdering Lisa in the end, but once again the story took a completely different turn, and I loved it! This piece is full of descriptions, has a good flow, and an excellent plot! Congrats on the gold, it's well deserved.
Oi, you're starting to cost me lots of clappy men! Thanks for another great read and keep up the great work.
P.S. was Lisa a schizophrenic who got overthrown by her other personality?
♥NewGuy90
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Yes, she was a schizophrenic who got taken over by another personality!
I am so glad you enjoyed it, this one was a fun one to write!
I do appologise about the whole clappy men situation.........
I shall try and not be so damm good next time! 
(that was a joke, btw....Im not actually that arrogant in real life!!)
Once again, thank you for the great comment.
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Lol! Sorry, I'm pretty dim when it comes to stuff where I actually have to figure out something myself! You'd better be joking, otherwise I would've had to spank you until you're “so damm good” again lol!
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commented previously just making note of it for group purposes. I couldn't resist reading it again though. It's well done.
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I like the twist of this it's similar to a series I had actually just finished writing only a little different lol. I'm going to recommend this to my wife she loves these kinds of stories.
a few suggestions for you...
You're missing punctuation in spots (mostly missing commas in dialogue)
Watch fragmented sentences. Albeit some are alright when trying to give emphasis ... other times it's not and tends to throw off the feel of what you're trying to say.
If you have thoughts of a character you don't actually have to say "thought to him/her self" it's a thought so he/she thought is fine
I enjoyed reading this I look forward to reading more. -
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Thank you for the helpful comment and advice! I shall take a look through and try and catch some of those punctuation errors. And I like the thought advice too! I dont know why I always feel the need to add 'to herself' at the end of it!
Im glad you enjoyed it though, adn that you think you're wife would too
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Bloody grate!
Only suggestion I can make, is keep on writing! I loved it. -
BTW...
I forgot to mention the last time I commented, how much I love the adorable picture you attatched to this story! It says so many different things, depending on how you think about it. And it fits perfectly.
I also find myself wondering if the artist may have used Anna Paquin as the model (when she was a child that is), since I can't look at it without thinking it's HER face! lol. (Did you ever see the movie with her in it, and also Holly Hunter & Harvey Keitel called "The Piano"? It came out like a decade or so ago I think.)
Anyway, it was good, albeit depressing...lol, and Anna P. was about the same age as the girl in your picture here...and I think they look alot alike. Heh. -
Nice twist, but, to be honest, a little expected: at least, a twist of some sort was expected. I thought she might be writing the notes herself.
To be completely honest, the story seemed a bit simplistic to me, like a story one would tell children to scare them...if telling psycological thrillers around a campfire suddenly came into style. Parts seemed rather contrived: for example, if I started finding notes around my apartment, I would immediately call the cops, no matter how sweet they sounded. I doubt many people talk to themselves the way Lisa does.
And I can't imagine a MP person going for more than a day without their medications and not seriously worrying.
I guess what I'm saying for this story is, the fault is not in the plot or the prose, just the way everything unfolds. It's good enough for a story to tell in a darkened room or around a campfire, but it's not really a sit-down-and-read-the-lit-journal type of story. Do you understand what I'm saying?
My verdict: not publishable, and I'm not entirely sure this idea can be made publishable. It's very creative, but if you're going to pull if off, you'll need some flawless suspension of disbelief.
Good luck! Thanks for entering the contest!
~Bitter Irony
PS) In case I forgot to say this, great opening. :-) It's so wonderful to see an opening that actually introduces the problem and pulls the reader in without being melodramatic.beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thanks for the critique. I shall take a look at the points you mentioned.
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good title...good plot...good writing. this was amazing. great job. gl in the contest.
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This was an awesome story! It pulled me in from the beginning and kept me in suspense the whole time! Great write!
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WOW!
I seriously did enjoy this story!!!
IT WAS GREAT! ;D
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Awwww, thank you Lady! Its great that people are enjoying this story so much!
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Wow!!!!!! Cool! If this was in my contest, it certantly would win!! Great story!
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Thank you! I am amazed and honoured that people like this story as much as they do. Its a wonderful feeling to have created something people enjoy so much!
Thank you for taking time to read and comment. I really do appreciate it.
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Your Welcome! I do this for catchy titles, I lurk in as much contest anyway!
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Reads Great!
Judging by the title of the contest you have entered, I would think you have an excellent chance for the gold. I didn't see the ending coming. It was a very good story. If I had written it, there would have probably been an evil stalker. So, you had me expecting one. Much succcess with this.
Andy
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Thank you! Im glad you liked the 'twist' to the tale, as it were!
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Hmmmm
This is so good, I'm not sure if I should even attempt to enter now...since you're going to win anyway! haha
I've never written anything other than poetry so far, soooo... I don't think I can compete with writing this good! LOL. (My idea is different though....so, maybe I still might give it a try if I have time.) But even if I do, I know you would still win! lol.
Anyway...great job! I love all the details you gave about Lisa's house, and the way you described things. Made it all come to life more. You're a really good writer!
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Thank you so much for the wonderful comment!
You should definately write your story! I really want to read some more on this topic, because it's such a great contest idea. I started off writing poetry and then started stories, and I have to admit that I find stories a lot easier. You have more lee-way with them.
Anyway, Im glad you enjoyed this piece, and thank you again for the lovely comment!
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this is a winner girl, get this published, ithink it would be in with ahuge chance
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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oh that was an awesome twist! there were a few bits that were confusing, such as the changeover here,
"It smelled of lilies, and ginger, and far away places, and she loved it.
Michael gazed down at the bed, with its soft eiderdown cover."
not so much that i didn't get the story, it just didn't seem to flow as well there. but either way, hell of a story, well written and kept me intrigued the whole time. well done! -
An intriguing story!
I'm a newbie to this site, but not to the whole literary critiques. I can tell you this story had a mixed ending, and an exhilarating one at that; the way you tied the whole thing together anyway.
What makes me keep on going back to read this is the way you illustrate Michael as a person who seems completely different from Lisa.
At the ending, you can also realize the fact that it was really her, or her subconscious mind (Michael), placing the letters around the apartment.
I'm sure you get my point however, excellent job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Sweet
I absolutley loved this story! You should get this published. It was scary, freaky, awesome and totally rockin'! Good job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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THIS IS A MASTERPIECE!!! O.O it's freaking awesome!!! I wish I can write like you...! XD if you wrote a book, I'd definitely buy it!! XD
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you so much for the wonderful comment! It's so encouraging to hear feedback like that. I am currently writing a novel, which is going to be published. It is to be called The Domino Effect, and I have posted a few parts of it on here.
Thank you again for your kind words.
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Wow, nice twist. It was really unpredictable. Also, at the beginning I was really curious as to what would happen, so...nice job!
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Nice, smooth writing.
Good twist. It was understandable.
The only thing that I felt was rushed was in the end when the narrator tells instead of shows (Lisa lost, Michael won) not much struggle and argument, crying, begging etc... there, so it wasn't as believable as it could have been in that one spot.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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Excellent
This was the kind of thing I was hopeing. It is a difficult concept to attempt, but you managed to do just that.
Congratulations, and ^_^ good luck with the contest, we'll soon see if the luck is required.
p.s. I fully understood what you meant, it isn't confusing. ^_^ It took me a moment to realise who Michael is, but that's the whole point
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Thank you!
I'm glad you liked the piece. It took me a while to figure something out for this contest, but once I did, it was a lot of fun to write. I hope you get some more entries, it's such a great idea for a contest.
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How simply frightful- having had "issues" with voices in my head (to put it politely) I find myself really quite shivery now I've read this story. Well done!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Why thank you kind sir. Glad I could be of service in the 'creeping out' department! LOL
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It's nice to know there's still things out there that can do it! LOL
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^-^
Your quite welcome. I was searching for a certain story, but this wasn't the type, but when I started reading, it kept my interest, so good job. Hope you win the contest too, maybe I'll enter it.
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You should enter! Its a fun idea, and Im the only one here so far.........
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I loved this story. It was very good. I do wish though there had been a real person to date her. Still the story took me by surprise with that and that's what your supposed to do. so, good job and keep up the good work.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you so much for the great comment! I am glad you enjoyed the read, and that you liked the twist at the end
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Wow
This was really good, i thought the flow of it and the emotions in the story were gripping and very clear. I thought this was really good and you deserve to win the contest. Keep up the good work. The picture of the young girl is really cool too. lol
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Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!
And I might win the contest at this rate...... Im the only one here so far! LOL
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