It was the normal world. But it was the exact opposite of the normal world, in all the right ways.
I had died. I couldn't believe that I had died, but was glad that I died. Very glad. I'll tell you the story of why I'm glad I died in the year of 2007.
It was a nice, sunny, warm day. A normal summer day in New York. The date was July 24, 2007. The cool thing about the date: It was my birthday. I turned thirteen today. It was also my mom's birthday. She turned thirty four.
I woke up and was happy to have a normal birthday morning: me and mama opening our presents and cards.
I was alive. And naive. And innocent and sweet.
See, I was your normal teenage girl. I knew only that the world was a great place, and I had a great family and great friends. The world couldn't be better! Or so I thought. I took the whole world for granted; thinking every person on earth had it as good as I did. I thought earth was heaven.
Half way through my birthday, my mom and I went to the city. We were walking across the pedestrian walk and that's when it happened. I died.
At first I didn't know what happened. All I saw was white. No pain or anything. Just white. Then things came rushing through my mind: images, knowledge.
This was how to get into heaven. The gateway to heaven. I didn't know any of this until later, of course. I didn't really think, it was more like everything came to me. I'll tell you what I learned while not thinking; I'll tell you how to get into heaven.
I learned every cruelty of the world I had just left. I learned every single horrible thing a human being could do to another living thing. I saw trees being cut down for green pieces of paper. I saw tigers being shot and killed to be sold for a man to become wealthy. And then I saw even worse.
I saw what human beings could do to other human beings. I saw rapes, murders. I saw suicides, homicides and people skinning each other alive. I saw a man cut up his wife while she was screaming for him to wait until she had the baby that was still in her stomach. I saw hate crimes and racists kill because someone else was different. I saw gays killed because they didn’t like the same people that straight people did. I saw every single human sin imaginable.
And then it was over. Everything was white again, but now I could think. I thought of all the things I had learned.
Then I learned one last thing: how I had died.
I had died because a drunken man had been barreling down the road, asleep at the wheel. He’d killed five people, one of them being me.
Now, you have to think. How would you feel seeing all of these horrible things that really happen, everyday, in your head, on your birthday, dead, when you think the world is sweet and wonderful? How would you feel knowing you got killed because of one man's stupidity? How would you feel thinking you wouldn't see your parents ever again? And how would you feel knowing that the thing you thought was heaven really never existed in the first place? I'm sure you would hate everything, and really feel what the word hate means. You'd think Why me? and wonder why you had to be shown this. Why you couldn't just die thinking the world had been perfect? I, of course, thought all of these things.
That's when it happened. The white disappeared and I slowly started to see things.
I was in an exact replica of the world I had lived in. My family was here, just as usual. There were streetlights and driveways and people I knew. There was school and I went on with life after I died.
But this was a completely new world. I only knew this was a whole new world because of what the gateway to heaven had taught me. This was a new world because none of the people were bad. There was no forestation. There was no such thing as poachers. No such thing as murder. No hate crimes. No humans being touched by others in a harmful way. Homicides and murders and suicides ever happened. There was no such thing here.
That's when I realized why I had been taught of cruelty before I got to go to my new heaven. Because this world was just like I thought my life was before. Except before, I had taken everything for granted. Now I knew of all the cruel things that used to happen, things I never thought possible.
I'm so glad that they're gone, and I know I really am in heaven.
Oh, yeah. And I learned that what I used to think was heaven, really wasn't. It was Hell.
Now, in heaven, I am not alive and I am not naive. But I am dead, smart, aware, innocent, and happy.
Author notes
Wow,
This was random.
I don't think it was nessisarily bad...
It was for the Heaven option, but I think it also desribes Hell very well too, as she (or he!) learns about what life was like on earth for real. The real hell.
What do you think? It is my interpretation of heaven and hell:
To me, heaven is everything good in life. Smelling the flowers, kisses, hugs, frineds, family, everything.
Hell is all of the bad things in life: murder, rape, everything I talked about.
Sorry if my message isnt very clear
A contest entry
- Writing Exercises - Descriptions by Delfishie.
400 points, ended August 6, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The in betweens by DemApples.
300 points, ended August 29, 2007, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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wow this piece is very moving. although i'm wise to whats out there in the world. still this is phenomenal. excellent job.
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Notes:
I love your second sentence. It's wonderful and it's a great hook for the story. Because of 'in all the right ways' i definitely would want to keep reading.
- I notice that you have a LOT of word repetition in the first few paragraphs. Is this a stylistic choice?
-"Homicides and murders and suicides ever happened" - I believe you're missing a 'no' in there somewhere.
-"It was Hell." - GREAT closing remark. Very nice.
....
This was a really good story. You definitely have your own unique writing style. Normally, too much word repetition annoys the heck outta me, but you rocked it in the story, making it sound like a half-rhyming fairytale a person would tell their kids at night.
There wasn't a LOT of description in here of heaven, but what there was....was spot on. In fact, if you'd added a deluge of words describing the afterlife, it would have bogged the story down.
Excellent job. Very nice indeed. -
Very Good!
I think this is a very good story about good and evil. To appreciate good fully, I guess we do need an awareness of evil. I think that on earth we experience a taste of heaven and hell. I don't know if there is life after death, but I think that most people's life experience is influenced by their attitude. Some have everything they want and are not happy, and others have little and are satisfied. Good Story.
Andy
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Very nice!
I liked the way that Heaven is the same, except that of course it's different because there is no evil.
(Hint- deforestation, not forestation.)
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This is a good start. I have listed below some suggestions I have for improving what you've already gotten started here. Good piece, keep writing
You've got some structural problems, mostly paragraph stuff. "and" or "but" shouldn't start sentences unless it's in dialogue. Also watch for sentence fragments. It tends to throw off the flow of your story. Watch repetitive sentences too. It tends to lose the reader.
for example
"But this was a completely new world. I only knew this was a whole new world because of what the gateway to heaven had taught me. "
rewording it to something like ...
"This was a completely new world because of what the gateway to heaven had taught me. "
you lose the repetitiveness and improve the flow all at the same time. You could also explain why it taught you or how it taught you in the same paragraph.
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Taytay
I read a beautiful book before called The Lovely Bones (it's the "hit or miss" kind of book, a couple of friends got bored with it, I adored it).. the story is about a girl who was raped and murdered, and she gets to watch her family from this heaven. YOUR heaven was similar to hers, only, yours seem a happier than her heaven (in her heaven, people move away and stuff.. much like here, but in that heaven, you get to realize and achieve your dreams, so the moving away is just really something to cope wiht..)
I love how you made this.. I mean, it made me realize FURTHER how fragile life is. It can be taken from me anytime, anywhere... just like that. And yes, it's sad that a lot of people get to die a little each day (or real deaths) because of the harm other people cause..
But you know, seriously, IF that was how we'd die (seeing all the human sins...), I think that absolutely no one would want to die... and see those, haha!!! But then again, death is something that will forever remain a mystery
You got me ranting, Taytay.. ^_^ you made me think.. a lot
I'm glad you wrote this
One little thing:
There was no forestation - did you mean deforestation?
Hhaa, anyway, good luck with the contest and thanks for sharing this with us
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Wow...just...wow...you've left me speechless Strong message coming through ^_^
Great job! Everything is described REALLY well!
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so much emotion! this was awesome.gl in that contest. i hope u win!!!
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Brilliant
This was brilliant it was so emotional and very imaginary. Il oved this and good work. Good luck in the ocntest. -
This was great, very imaginative and happy-sad, lol. For a person who has never had any problems to see all those evils just to make him/her realize the greatness of the next world was a great thought.
Good luck in the contest! ( I entered too )
Oh, and one more thing: PINK (I've said this before, lol)
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Absolutly brilliant! I loved the whole thing, it was great how you described everything that our world is and most people don't realize it. Great great job!
Mem
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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wow. our world really is horrible. but you didnt talk about the good stuff in the world! how a person might help their friend find the strength to live, how a random person gives homeless ppl money, how...well, this world does have a lot of bad stuff, i agree with you, but there's some good stuff too! sorry if im being mean! lols.
but this was a great story! and good luck in the contest!
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WOAH! This was brilliant! wonderful description and excellent writing. Really opens your eyes to what's going on in the world. Good luck in your contest!
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