The Last Letter

Dear Mom,

They tell me you won’t come see me off, and I guess I understand. I guess no mother wants to see her daughter die. I wish you would have written to me, but I guess I understand why you didn’t. Maybe I would feel the same way, in your place. I don’t know.

In a few hours, you won’t have to think about me any more, or worry that I’ll get out somehow and come get Stella and Luna, take them away from you. I’m glad you can love them, at least. They need it, after everything they’ve been through.

Make sure you tell them that I loved them. I know you are angry with me, but don’t let my babies grow up thinking that I didn’t love them. That’s why I did it, and maybe you’ll understand someday. Maybe you’ll think, what if it had been me? And maybe you’ll get it, finally. Even if you don’t, Mom, make sure they know I loved them more than anything. And if you can’t tell them I loved them, give them this letter when they’re old enough to understand. Call it my last wish. I can go peacefully, as long as I know they’re ok and they know I loved them.

I love you, too, Mom. Please believe me, if there was any other way, I wouldn’t have done it – but he made it clear that the only way my girls would be safe was if he was dead. He flat told me so, and Mom – you know he meant it. I couldn’t let him hurt them, the way he hurt me. You were right about him, Mom, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I’m sorry you have to keep living with what I did. Tell anyone who gives you grief that you raised me better, and I made my own decisions. Tell them it wasn’t your fault I ran off with that no-good, burrow-scurrying rodent of a man, and that you warned me. Make sure the twins know Jack wasn’t their daddy. Tell them about Jesse, about how good he was, how strong, smart, and handsome. Tell them they are like him in all the best ways. Maybe someday, when they’re older, you can tell them that Jack killed Jesse before he came after us. I didn’t know until it was too late, and then I didn’t have a choice – I couldn’t let Jack hurt my girls, Jesse’s girls, couldn’t let him do the horrible things he kept telling me he wanted to do, would do, to his brother’s daughters. No one wanted to believe me, then, and maybe no one ever will, but it’s the truth. Jack killed Jesse because he wanted the girls, and he knew he’d never get them while Jesse was alive. How can twins be so different? Jack told me he did it, the night we went to dinner. That was the night…the night he hurt me, Mom. He took what he wanted, and when I said I’d tell the cops, he just laughed and told me what he’d do to the girls if I did. He made it sound so easy, like no one would believe me and nothing could protect them. I know you and everyone thought I got pregnant on purpose. I know you all thought I was trying to replace Jesse with Jack, and I know you all thought I’d lost my mind. I had to let him think I was weak, that I was broken, so that he would let his guard down. I know what people think, that I was just deranged from losing the baby and jealous that he was leaving me for another woman, but Mom, he wasn’t. After I had the miscarriage, I thought we’d be safe, that nothing would tie us to him. I was going to leave him, and I didn’t care that he had another woman. But then he made it clear…he was going to start in on the girls, and I couldn’t let that happen. I killed him because he needed killing. Ask Marry Kelly about him and her daughter, or Tricia Fawks and her little girl. They’ll tell you, if they aren’t too scared of the truth. Even if I had gotten the girls away, kept them safe, he just would have found someone else. How could I let that happen? Don’t tell them that part, Mom. Don’t tell them what he wanted to do to them, or what he did to me. Cut that part of the letter out, if you give it to them. They don’t need to know that sort of ugliness exists in the world. Maybe you don’t believe me, anyway, and that’s ok. No one else did. Not the cops or the prosecutor, or the lawyer who hated defending me, and not the reporters who made it all look so different from what it was. I guess if you think I’m lying or crazy, I can understand. Still, you know I am telling the truth when I say I love my girls, and I loved their daddy so much a part of me died with him. Maybe I did kill Jack for revenge, not that anyone will believe that he killed his brother. Hell, I didn’t, at first.

I have to go, now, Mom. I wasn’t going to try and explain, but…I guess I can’t just go to my end without trying to make you understand. Now, I wish there was time to tell you the whole story, but they say it’s time to take that last walk. There’s so much more I wanted to say…so much more I wanted to do with my beautiful girls. I wanted to teach them to sew. I wanted to teach them to drive, and see them off to their first dance. To take them to the beach, like when I was a kid. I wanted to bake cookies with them, and bread, and teach them the secret to really good soup, like you taught me. I wanted to watch them graduate, marry, have their own children. I miss holding them, miss their smell and their softness, and their wiggling, giggling cuddles. I miss their sweet little kisses, their sweet little voices. I have been empty, without them, and the thing that hurts the most about all this is knowing that I won’t ever get to hold them again, won’t get to kiss them or tell them I love them again. Just as well the State is killing me, because the idea of living a life without my girls is worse than anything I can think of, even death.

I love you, Mom, and I know you’ll love my girls and raise them right. Don’t let them forget their mama, or that she loved them with all her heart. Don’t let them forget their Daddy, or what a good man he was, or that he loved them more than anything.

Stella, Luna, I love you girls, and I hope some day you will forgive me and remember that you loved me, too.