California Cow-Milk'n

Amid an array of cowboy hats, blue jeans and boots, three men dressed in board shorts, tennis shoes and short-sleeve pearl-snaps stand in the middle of Cimarron’s Maverick Club Rodeo arena. In one hand, team leader Sonny Parker holds an empty bottle, and in his other, a lasso. His hat reads “Gatorland.” “Who’s that fella with the short britches down there?” blurts the shocked announcer in a strong southern accent. “He looks like a refugee from a Jimmy Buffet concert!” Then, “There’re two of them!”… “There’re three of them!”

Out of the five teams that competed in the 84th annual Fourth-of-July Wild Cow Milking Competition, four were from Philmont, placing first and third. And of theses four teams, one was a group of staffers from Florida: Sonny Parker, Eric Solomon, and Stuart Miller.

The goal of the Wild Cow Milking Competition is for teams of three people to capture the milk of wild cows in some sort of container, race it to a designated bucket and empty the contents. The first team to do this wins, receiving the coveted “Maverick Club Champion” belt buckles.

Unlike the other teams, “Team Florida” had to wear the “right” uniforms.

“You gotta go light-weight,” Solomon said. “You can’t go out there all boots and jeans; you can’t move,” he said. “And plus, my jeans are dirty.”

But not every weight-reducing idea made the cut.

“We were thinking about doing flip flops,” he said. “And then we quickly realized it was a bad idea.”

“Team Florida” had other, more personalized attire, too. Sporting his colors, Solomon wore his red, white and blue “UVEX PATRIOT” sunglasses. Vintage sports wear “Made in America.” “Safety first, my friend,” he said.

And then there were Parker’s “Arcteric Gamit SV” gloves. “They were meant for ice climbing,” he said.

Parker’s most significant attire, however, might have been his “Gatorland” hat. “Gatorland” is “The alligator capitol of the world,” in Orlando, Florida. A former employee, Parker wrestled alligators and the occasional crocodile. “At a gator wrestling show, you may get bit in the thumb,” he said, gesturing its insignificance, “but crocodiles think you’re an easy meal. And they try.” He hopes this experience will come in handy. “I’ll be [taking] the lessons I’ve learned from crocodillus, and applying it to cows,” he said.

In preparation, the team had one practice session with the help of Philmont’s Chief Firefighter, Nick Cardivez, who let them use his land and cattle.

But not everyone made it to practice. “Stu has no clue,” Solomon said of teammate Stuart Miller, who missed the practice session. “I don’t even think he’s seen a cow.”

Despite the team’s inexperience, they had a plan. “I got a rope to put around its neck, [and a] bottle to drink my milk out of,” Parker said. “We’re ready for the triple team supreme.”

But their plan wasn’t without some sarcasm. “I think the way we’re gonna start it is trip the guys next to us.”

Out in the arena, however, it started with all five teams stretched across its midsection. Then, a mad-dash for the cows in the far left of the arena, facing the announcer’s box. Parker was one of the first to reach the cattle, but him and his teammates had trouble roping one.

A group of cowboys, however, showed their expertise, roping one around the neck. But the cow took off across the arena, dragging one man on his stomach almost 50 yards through the dirt, while his teammates either put the cow in a headlock or helplessly swung for an utter. “I’d like to see one of these guys in the short britches do the ‘nun-tucket slay’; see if his pants come off,” the announcer said.

In less than 10 minutes, the competition was won, and second and third had also been taken. Team Florida was left chasing a cow they had singled out from the herd in the far left corner of the arena, closest to the grand stands. Chasing the same cow, however, was the only girl team; a group of Philmont Wranglers, dressed in matching bright-pink cowgirl shirts.

“We’d like to thank all of our contestants,” the announcer said. “We’d like to thank all of our dairy cows out there.”

Exhausted, the contestants staggered out of the arena to catch their breath, and reflect upon the chaos. “I almost got stomped on,” Parker said. All Solomon could rasp was “So out of breath, so out of breath.” But it wasn’t just tiring. “I’m going to get some water,” Miller said.

Although they didn’t win, it is no doubt that they will be squinting at the milk jugs in their refrigerators a little differently and staring cows in the eye a little steadier whenever they pass a pasture for years to come.

And perhaps, “Team Florida” will return in their board shorts next year with a little more confidence, ready to milk them wild cows.