what went wrong?

Basically, any song by Blink 182 does it for me now. A sharp pain in my gut, like someone driving a knife inside of me, twisting it with each word. I stared out the window, my only link to the real world. I turned the radio up louder, and withdrew further into myself. 1

'you fucked up my life...' The same words over and over.... blaring out of my speakers, 'what went wrong?' I tried hard to turn it off, the songs that made my life so miserable. My finger touched the button, all I needed to do was press it, but, still, it played on. I could not force myself to turn it off. Finally the song ended, and I was able to stand up and walk around my room. I sat on my bed, which i hadn't slept in for weeks, despite the fact I had not left my room for four days. I had a small bathroom connected to my room, and I didn't care enough to eat. The music which hurt so much, was all i needed to stay alive, it was the only way for me to stay alive. 2

I started when I heard a knock at my door, walking over, I stood and looked at the doorknob. I watched it turn, slowly, slowly, until finally the door was pushed open partway. 3

'Hey hon, can I get you anything?' I looked into the face of my mother, the first person I had seen for days, 'We've been back for a couple of hours, but, we figured you were busy.' She smiled, as if she wasn't sure what to say or do, as if she was afraid of me.4

'I'm fine mum, I was sleeping.' I looked into her face, and I knew that she saw through the lie. 'I'll come out and fix myself something later.'  Once again I was sure she saw past the words, but, couldn't quite grasp the true meaning behind them. 5

'Ok, I'll be in to check on you later, ok?' she smiled again, that unsure, scared smile, normally reserved for her visits with my father. I didn't like her looking at me like that, but, I knew that I was starting to scare her. 6

'Kay mom. See ya later,' I said, shutting the door, careful not to touch the doorknob. Sliding the lock into place, I collapsed against the door. 7

They're not even that great of a band, I thought, as I let the music take me away.... inside myself, to a place that no one could get to......... 8

'WHY?!?!?!?!' I screamed, clutching and groping around me for something to throw, my body writhing, a mass of inner pain. I distantly heard a glass break, but, my body was beyond my control, from somewhere above me, I watched as I tore my room to shreds, as I threw everything from my carefully sculpted clay hand to my camera, I watched myself tear carefully made collages I had created years ago, as I shoved furniture, screamed until my throat was raw, I watched until finally, i collapsed into a heap of skin, bone and tears on the floor. When I finally had control over myself, I just sat there, and let the tears come. I sat on the floor, and cried as I had not done for years.......9

Crying, weeping, and then.....10

No more tears, it was as if I had run out. I would never cry again, I realized, nothing, ever, no one, could, ever, make me cry again. I sat up and looked around at the chaos, and slowly began to clean up, ignoring the pounding on the door, and my mother's demands at what was wrong with me.11