A conversation with my EX

I have imagined a conversation with my ex after we broke up. I was heartbroken and we were both confused with the lack of communication. Blame didn't rest squarely on his shoulders yet he did hurt me.I thought I would have closure to what I considered incomplete if only I could have a conversation with him, honest and blunt but somehow also gentle. I assumed I would be able to move on and forgive him. I just wanted to hear him say I'm sorry. Sorry for the pain I caused. I wanted to ask why without sounding typical.It would have been nice to discuss why we had stopped communicating. Could we fix what had been severed, broken? Could we forgive and talk it through? I felt I needed to admit and apologize for betraying him in the past behind his back. Or did he already know? I longed to whisper quietly to not hear the loud sound of rejection when I asked him had he ever truly loved me and did he still love me. I would declare my feelings because I would feel comfortable with this honest talk I had desired to have so that my imagination wouldn't run wild, I wouldn't get so depressed, and I could come to terms with it all. 1

As time went on, I wished for this conversation as hope in prayer for salvation and the dialogue extended with more questions and feelings.2

Did he ever think about me? In a positive or negative fashion? Was I still beautiful to him inside and out? Had his personality changed? What was his personal life like now? How did he feel? I hoped my ex-boyfriend would ask me the same questions.3

Was our relationship as serious as I thought it was? 4

I want to apologize to him for faults I saw in myself later on:5

I'm sorry I was so clingy. I know I wasn't clingy in the way most people mean when they use the term but I overwhelmed you with my deepest emotions expressed for you. I thought if we wrote enough letters, shared enough conversations, went enough places with each other, and said I love you enough and meant it we could quickly build a bond that would last without being patient with time. I might have been too touchy-feely, wanting to hold your hand, hug you, and kiss you all the time. But try to understand, I was in love and I never had experienced it the way I experienced it with you.6

Do you still wake up early in the morning? Do you still write poems when you pen raps? Are you still watching shows like the Simpsons and That 70s Show? Do you still have a special bond with your baby cousin Peanut?7

One more thing because it means a lot to me: Am I still your Am-nutty-buddy?8