Broken hears can mend

I sit here now, thinking how stupid I have been. How quickly you can loose all your self respect over such a simple thing. Love. Easly come, but never seems to go away. So this is my story, about my first love, my first real love.

It was summer and my lips will still red raw from the passionate kisses of Ben the night before. He had left early to go to his silly bruger van buisness, I missed him already though. We had clicked from the first time we had met in my mates very smoky bedroom. The weed was flowing as we sat, laughed, chatted. His blue eyes sparkled with energy that he seemed to just pore out and his muscluar frame looked so solid and safe. He was gorgeous, funny, smart, but complete idiot at the same time. He was brilliant.

After our first date at the cinema where I so romantically... fell asleep after only the first hour. We really hit it off though. By the sencond date it felt like we had been together for years.

Walks down the park in the sunset with the dog, nights and days spent in bed watching vidios skin against skin, lips against lips. Car rides turned out to be my favorite joy with his silly sound effects. I thought this was it, I felt my heart beating fast and butterflies flying through all my body everytime I saw him. I'd beg him not to leave, to always stay. Everyday we spent together, he had finally tamed the girl who had no time for love, no time for other peoples feeling and no time really for anything except for party. I was finally what I thought was really me. How quickly it all can change though.

Unansewered calls....

Unansewered messages...

My heart felt dead. Yes we had a few arguments in the last week, he kept on making aragments and then standing me up. I shouted at him, but my anger was out of love, out of lust, out of every particle that was screaming in my body to hang on to him.

But still no text. Still no call. Still no Ben.

As the days turned to weeks I turned to more drugs, more and more and more. I easily spent £100 on a weekend, staying at my mates, sometimes to fucked to move. I was at every party possible, with every lad possible. I just wanted my life to return to normal, I wanted to stop thinking about him. And I had always done drugs and alchol, but big doses of it can have big effects on your personalitly.

I always had to be high, drunk, out. I was kicked out my house, living at my mates with only cider to waste my day away. I was a heartbroken mess. But finally I took a dodgey pill that would change my life back to the better... I was knocked sick, my life flashed before my eyes.

Since then I have calmed down on the drugs, stayed careful and stayed safe (though I still love them on the weekends). But I don't just do them for the sake of it anymore, I don't need so many to make me forget.

After the drugs it took mounths of me looking at our vidio, pictures, stalking his myspace to make me feel like I had some contact left with him. The pain finally set in and I spent most of my days trying to rember the bad things so I could forget the good.

After nearly a year I am finally normal. I have realised that I shouldn't want him again. I have realised that I am me again.

Even the sight of him at a festival didn't make my stomach churn as usual. I just looked him straight in the eye when he tried to say hi to me, and said in a clear voice "you are a wanker!" then walked away.

I have no need for him in my life anymore. I'm seeing a completely gorgeous and sweet guy at the moment and have university coming and my whole life ahead of him. All he has at the moment is a silly little burger van, living with his parents with a girlfriend now that would easily lie to anyone so that she can do what she wants. They have no ambition, no dreams. The sparkle in his eyes have gone, the smile faded.

And that all he is to me now. A faded memory of sunsets, drives out, and hours of licking and biting. The old him. The way he will always be in my memory.

But now I will just be me. I want to go places, have a bright future. I want to keep that sparkle in my eyes, the skip in my step.

I love you still though...

My heart is being fixed...

So please don't come along and break it again...

Leave it alone so I can superglue it back together...

Let me love you forever...

Hold you close to my heart...

And let the old you live.

I Love You