Our story begins on a fine sunny day,
With a whistling baker, baking away.
But when he opened the oven door, out leapt his prize,
Effing and blinding despite his small size.
Our Gingerbread man made a run for the door
Shouting, “Fuck off you arsehole, y’ miserable old bore.”
The baker looked on with a paternal smile.
“Goodbye my son, we shall meet in a while.”
And with that he turned to the gingerbread sister.
She screamed as he held her, but he gently kissed her.
Then plunged her head long in his steaming tea,
Where she struggled for breath in the brown murky sea.
Then he pulled her back out and he bit off her head,
Not a nice way to go, but at least she was dead.
He finished his snack, contemplating the fun
You see he never intended to eat his own son.
No, he was after a much bigger feast.
And he put on his coat; and went after the beast.
So our gingerbread yob is out on the town
And no class is safe, not even the crown.
For he spied Cinderella in her pink limousine.
So he pulled down his pants and he mooned to the queen.
Then hurled insults and rocks till he’d gone way too far.
Then the limousine stopped. Four men exit the car.
They’re secret service and they weren’t in the mood,
For a ginger bread lout, who is way too rude.
One tried to grab him, but the little runt,
Sprinted straight through his legs yelling, “You cunt,
Run, run as fast as you can,
You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread man!”
The agents gave chase but they couldn’t keep up
Ginger bounded away like a cheeky young pup.
And so on through the woods looking out for more trouble,
Our ginger looks twice, was he seeing double?
For over in the shadows, cowering there,
Two round fat creatures, but one with more hair.
With their mouths full of gingerbread, toffees and lollies,
Ginger now stood agog, horrified by their follies.
Confection and biscuits were not for consuming,
By now our Ginger was outraged and fuming.
Then spotting the witch, he noted their fear,
And yelled out, “Oy missus, there right over ‘ere.”
She grimaced and said with a toothless grin,
“Now my dear babies, just where have you been.
Now Hanzel and Gretel, I may have to spank you.”
To Ginger: “My darling, I really must thank you.”
They were dragged by the ears back to her lair,
G yelled, “Yeah eat ginger bread again if you dare!”
And he thrust out his groin to labour the point
Which made the witch trip and the twins blew the joint.
Ginger rolled on the floor almost wetting his pants.
But the witch bellowed out, “Now I’ve lost my infants!
You’ll pay for the Ginger boy, I’ll eat you instead.”
Ginger gave her the finger then he turned and he fled.
No one could catch him, no one...not he.
He turned as he ran and shouted with glee.
“Run, run as fast as you can,
You can’t catch me I’m the Ginger bread man!”
And it’s true that the witch soon ran out or steam,
So she sat down to rest on a rock by a stream.
So Ginger doubled back to the old woman’s shack
And started a fire underneath, round the back.
The house went up as bright as the sun,
And Ginge danced around it rejoicing in fun.
Now our ginger boy thinks that he’s pretty clever,
But this is a fairy tale, so, as ever,
Comeuppance is not very far away,
And as our boy had abused folks for most of the day,
There’s a long list of people who’d all like to try
Some gingery goodness and help this boy die.
And now he was running, but had run out of luck,
See he’d hit a large river, and now he was stuck.
But out of the woods fate happened to send,
A whiley old creature, who was short of a friend.
“I’m Hector the fox, I’ll help you little chum.
I’ll swim across that river with you on my bum.”
By now his pursuers were quite close behind,
So it didn’t take long to make up his mind.
Now our ASBO boy Ginger wasn’t too quick,
Didn’t notice the fox give his lips’ a quick lick.
He was way too stupid to figure out the trap.
And before he could wink, Hectors jaws had gone 'snap'.
But the others were gaining, and they all wanted a part,
In the downfall of this little ginger upstart.
"He’s mine," yelled fat Hanzel, snapping off his left arm,
And swallowing it whole, to Ginger’s alarm.
“I want him.” Yelled Cinders as she snapped off his right,
“He dented my tailgate, and sullied my sight.”
By now our poor Ginger, profanities flowing,
Didn’t know which body part next would be going.
The fox had his left leg, and the witch grabbed the other.
Ginger screamed, “Fuck you bitch, I slept with your mother.”
Then he started to laugh and his torturers cease,
“You know what’s so funny, now you’ve all had a piece?
Idiots all! Don’t you get it Hector?
See I was baked by Hannibal Lecter!
I’m poisoned you idiots, why’d you think I’m so bad?
And oh…boo hoo, it’s terribly sad.
Because now, you’re all as dead as me,
And my father will eat you for his tea.”
And as they fell to the ground all starting to gag,
Enter the baker stage right, with a very big bag.
That evening, our baker sang a chirpy sea shanty,
As he ate Hanzel's liver with a nice Chianti.
Author notes
I know some parts of this don't quite scan, if you can offer any help I would be most grateful.
Thanks.
A contest entry
- If you're NOT from America! by Taylor Renee.
225 points, ended August 8, 2007, 33 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Bored.... by Shiny.
175 points, ended July 17, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything by SpunkyPunky.
225 points, ended July 17, 2007, 52 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - fairytails with dark endings by Elvenfairy.
100 points, ended July 19, 2007, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Humour - Weird - Fun by Asfand.
135 points, ended July 20, 2007, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SW Oscars - Best Humor Story - Invite Only! by Asfand.
125 points, ended September 10, 2007, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hahaha P. N. S. by elfflower1989.
300 points, ended September 12, 2007, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING AT ALL, LOSERS! by Hate.
360 points, ended October 17, 2007, 50 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites (again) by capitallights.
150 points, ended December 27, 2007, 101 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Bring Me Your Best Stuff!! by darkangel7567.
350 points, ended January 8, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Surprise Me! by IxLovexElphiex.
350 points, ended January 17, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Fairy Stories! by MoonRoseWolf.
210 points, ended April 3, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "Untitled" (Ah, that sounds rather nice, doesn't it?) by Andrew Timothy.
350 points, ended July 29, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What Is Perfection? by Frozen Angel.
225 points, ended July 20, 39 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SW Oscars 2008 - Best Humour Story by SW Oscars Team.
400 points, ended September 6, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Ha Ha lol, this story supprised me. I can how you can win so many trophies with this little story. A very unique piece of writeing and it also flows. Good job by the way and keep up the good work!
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Thank you so much for the read and the kind comment.
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Haha, very imaginative and twisted. As far as humor and insanity goes, in my contest, this is the better.
"Don't quite scan." Yeah, I noticed that. Mostly it's because you're trying to fit a bit too many syllabels into lines. Instead of using words with many beats, try using simpler forms with perhaps one beat.
Third stanza: "Then the limousine stopped. Four men exit(ed) the car."
Fifth stanza: "And it’s true that the witch soon ran out or(typo) steam,"
Thank you for entering and good luck. -
Told ya I'd read it!
And boy am I glad I did!!! This is hilarious! I was laughing throughout the whole thing (and I agree with SnowRose-Wolf, the Hannibal Lector bit was especially excellent). The rhythm was freakishly perky and upbeat, which matched the mood of the whole thing!
Great job with this and don't ever stop writing! Good luck in all those contests!
.♥. Maureen .♥.
PS: the background TOTALLY fits! - XD
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Okay, well first up, I shouldn't be letting this in the contest as I did say no re-working of existing fairy tales, but.......this is just too brilliant!
I love this so much! It was humourous, and you must have worked so hard to make it rhyme and flow so well.
I like how you tied in the Hannibal Lector bit too, that was a stroke of genius!
I really don't know what else to say, I'm just blown away by this! Well done, and good luck in my contest!
~Miranda
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Thank you so much for your kind comments. And thanks for reading.
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creepy... but really good! keep writing!
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that was hilarious! not much else i can say! thanks for entering!!
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I want some gingerbread now..
meanie.
Very amusing.
Well thought out.
I really liked this =3
thanks for entering.
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This was brilliant - well done! I loved the way you managed to pu it all together, Hansel, Gretel, the whole works! And then the twist at the end - superb!
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Lol yay I liked this ^^
I was surprised by the swearing, but I don't mind it much. You have a few grammatical errors but other than that I'm quite impressed. It's hard to write an entire story in rhyme ^^ -
Such fun! Nice to see you're still at it!
"ASBO" hasn't reached USA yet but I found it here http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ASBO
which is a pretty cool reference site if you're not easily sidetracked -
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Hey Den!
Thanks for reading! And it's great to hear from you, how are you?
And yeah, I've had a couple of queries about what an ASBO is . So thanks this is a very useful definition, I particularly like definition 1! 
it really made me laugh!
Thanks again - take care.
E.x.
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Wow! This was just fantastically amazing!! I really, really, loved this!! The rhyming was also fantastically done. I don't know how you did it!
Good luck in the contest!
^_^
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HAHAAHAHAHA!!! ohhh...this is tooooooo awesome!!! lolz.....
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well, this was a sick and humorous way of telling this story. You did a very good job with it!
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Tee hee, lol. That was absolutely halarious! Congratualtions on the amazing work. It took some real skill to re-write it like that and make it rhyme. Thank you for this entry, it was a blast!
Love Shiny -
GREAT STUFF!!!
Had me rolling all the way through.
Very visual and highly imaginative.
I wouldn't change a bit.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks a lot. And I'm looking forward to reading your new work as soon as I get a chance.
Thanks again.
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O.O You're so AWESOME!! XD The ending rawks! Poisoned...who would've thought...^_^;
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Thanks for the read.
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Hee certainly is rather evil. Whenever he spoke I kept have the shrek gingerbread voice in my head, which sounded really funny since Mr. G is such a potty mouth.
Good luck
. Rewarded 4
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You know, I also had Shrek, GBM voice in my head when I wrote it. They say, that great minds think alike...!
Thanks for the read.
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hahaha
Wow...this was really entertaining! I've never read anything quite like this fairy-tale rewrite here! hahaha...excellent! I love the way you wrote it out like a long flowing story-poem too. That was great. Very funny indeed! I would read it to my niece, 'cept for the profanities. (maybe I still will, and just censor it for her tho! Heh.)
Loved it.
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Thanks, and yeah, perhaps you should *bleep* out the worst for your niece.
Thanks for reading.
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For he spied Cinderella in her pink limousine.
So he pulled down his pants and he mooned to the queen.
Then hurled insults and rocks till he’d gone way too far.
Then the limousine stopped. Four men exit the car.
They’re secret service and they weren’t in the mood,
For a ginger bread lout, who is way too rude.
One tried to grab him, but the little runt,
Sprinted straight through his legs yelling, “You *bunny*,
Run, run as fast as you can,
You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread man!”
Oh my gosh. You're crazy. I don't know who you are, but you are absolutely crazy.
You are one of the craziest people I've et here. I respect that.
You are awesome. Awesome, you here???
This was so funny and I loved it and you did great. I love this sooo sooo much lol!
Keep up the great work, and thanks for entering my contest
xoxo
Tay
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Thanks, I'll take the 'crazy' thing as a compliment! And you prefer 'bunny'? Yeah, sorry about the language. I felt it was needed to bring out the character of my little biscuit hooligan.
Thanks again.
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O M F G
this was hilarious.
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Thanks for the read.
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very witty
yup, good work -
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Thanks.
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The Ginnger Bread man is a pimp! He is my new role model
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Now that's funny! He's your new role model? Great! - just watch out for the lynch mob!!
Thanks for the read.
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This is truly amazing. Hilarious as well. I really loved it. I thought it sounded perfect, to change it would mar the effect.
x.lIZ.x. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for your kind comment, and you thought it was perfect? I don't know...I still see bits that don't work. But thanks for the read.
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Oh my! i was laughing like the whole way through! it all rhymed very well too.
great work!
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Thanks for reading, I'm glad it made you laugh. Thanks again.
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HOLY SHIT!
This is described with every synonym of awesome!
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Thanks I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the read.
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Talent abounds!
Well, now, Snoozy, from the Baker on down
Wasn't that fun...; every verb...every noun?
But I must say, my dear, with your talents and ability...
You've ruined my sleepy old mood of tranquility.
Awake from the bake,
A truck of good luck!
Excellent.
Gary Alexander
. Rewarded 6
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Thank you kind Sir, and I'd like you to know,
I really enjoyed writing this tale, does it show?
You gracious comments are lovely to hear,
as I read through your words, I am wiping a tear.
Not really, but thanks for the read, and rhyme!
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Wow! I mean... Wow! =D
Elaine, this is amazing! =D
This is really clever, with excellent rhyme!
And above all, a damned funny and greatly written story! =D
I've tried to make stories with rhyme, but I've never made more that a few lines... And here you come with 800+ words! =D
Wow, I must say... Some of the best work I've read in a long time!
Going straight into my bookmarks!
Thanks for sharing =)
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Hmmm...you think?
Thanks!
But I know there are still some parts that don't scan properly, H was very critical of this one! So it's nice to have some +ive feedback. I'm still working on it. But thanks mate!
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That was one of the weirdest and funniest pieces I've read in a long time (and I'm a Terry Pratchett fan.) Top drawer. Loved how you drew in the fairytales and then surprised by throwing in Hannibal Lecter.
Great writing. -
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Thanks!
Thanks for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed, There are some bits that still need work, but thanks again!
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