Option Two

Bellport was a small town that made up the entire island, which was about two miles away from mainland Washington. It stretched out like Chile, except sideways and much smaller. If you were to drive around the island, it would take you a little over half an hour to get from the very top to the lowest part, and about three hours to go all the way from the west to the east side. It was a small island and a small town all in one. No, it was more like one, big dysfunctional family that knew everything that went on in the place.

I guess it's a pretty good place to live in if you enjoyed being provincial and narrow minded. It's like everyone is all set in their own little ways, their views, or their beliefs; and to break through would be like trying to pierce through a concrete building with a piece of thread. They're old school, I guess you can say. Being different is like a sin to them. They will absolutely not allow piercings, tattoos, loud music, horror movies, teenage parties, drinking, smoking, drug use, sex before marriage, and definitely no homosexuality. I'm just surprised they don't have their own little rulebook with all the ridiculous rules written down in there.

I don't really know how I broke out of their own little molds. People would think that living in Bellport for almost eighteen years would set a person in such a way. I was lucky enough to have realized that I wasn't like them at all. I was an outcast, a heretic, a human being that was gay. Living here feels like hell for me, if not worse. Well, not just for me, but also for two other people that I've formed close ties with. But even though it feels like hell, it has taught us all one important thing: being who you are shouldn't put you to shame.

Ryan was seventeen, lucky enough to have parents that let him drive. He has the skin of a porcelain doll, unharmed and flawless. Mine, well mine's scattered with freckles and few bruises from my clumsiness. His hair is a darker shade of brown than mine, sometimes even black when you look at it from a certain angle under the sun. He had a tall, lean body that looked fragile to the touch, and I loved the fact that every inch of it was mine.

Courtney was my age, just three days older than me. She had the prettiest blond hair I have ever seen, not that I've seen that many to compare to. Our moms were in the same hospital in the same room while they were pregnant with us, and as soon as I was born, it was official that Courtney and I would be great friends. We could basically understand what each other was feeling and thinking without words to express them. I felt her sadness sometimes, knowing that her vivacious personality was slowly fading away as she longed for someone she can be with...as she longed for a girl to be with.

We were all inside the abandoned warehouse. No one ever came there and that's why we often stayed there for hours. It was falling apart and rusty when Courtney and I first found it the summer after ninth grade. It took us about two months to make it look presentable, and to block out the infamous Washington rain. Courtney sat on top of the stacked tires, staring out the opened door at the rain that was steadily beating down on the roof. Ryan sat across from her with me laying down with my head on his leg. I would've stayed in that position forever if I could have.

"Ryan, did I ever tell you how we knew each other was, well, not straight?" I pulled on his hand and studied the ring I gave him. It was from the cheapest store around, but he always wore it.

"Not really. I just know that you guys have been friends for like ever." His voice was so soothing, and it could make me sleep through a hurricane.

"Well, it was after my fifteenth birthday party." Courtney began.

"It was raining and humid, as usual." I added.

"Yep. It's like one of those birthdays that you can never forget."

"Mhm. We were watching Finding Nemo, and I look at Courtney. She is so nervous looking that I thought she was going to start hperventilating."

"I was about to hyperventilate." Courtney laughed in a way that could have people join in even if they were dying.

"She looked around, and I looked around, thinking something's wrong. Then she whispered that she was a lesbian. And to tell you the truth, I wasn't sure if I was surprised because I realized I wasn't alone or because she kept that from me."

"And then we were both silent. I thought he clicked off or something. I shook him, nothing. I clapped in front of him, nothing. I had to slide an ice cube down his shirt."

"Well, I'll keep that in mind the next time I need to get his attention." Ryan smiled and gave me a small kiss on my forehead.

"Hey, I was in shock, okay? Anyways, then I said I was gay."

"Then I said that I was being serious."

"I said that I was, too."

"It was like tons of pressure and stress had lifted off from both our shoulders. I really thought he was playing with me at first, and it took a whole lot of will to keep myself from beating him up."

"That was your angry look, huh? I thought you had constipation." I joked. Courtney threw a pebble at me, and we all began to laugh.

"No, but really. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't alone."

"Same here. If it wasn't for Courtney, I would've never met you." Ryan laced his fingers with mine.

"So, Court, you never told us about this Katie girl you're chatting up with." I sat up and placed my chin on my hand.

"Who's this Katie you talk of?" Ryan moved his finger lightly down my spine. I shivered in the humidity and gave him a small shove and a smile.

"Katie is like the picture perfect girl. She's tall, pretty, and she has gorgeous red hair from what I saw. And we both like My Chemical Romance, and she said that if we ever meet, it will be at one of their concerts." A dreamy face fall over her, as if it was a spell that she couldn't break out of.

"Where did you meet her?" Ryan was clueless, as usual.

"Chatroom."

"I thought your parents--"

"They did block that stuff. But when you're home with nothing to do, you learn a lot of things."

"Can you unblock mine?" I asked, about to fall forward.

"Maybe. Anyways, she is like so perfect for me. I only wish that I could get to the mainland." She looked at Ryan and pulled her puppy face on.

"No."

"Oh, come on. Pretty please? I introduced you to Zack. Shouldn't you at least return the favor? Please, Ryan?"

"You know my parents would never let me go there."

"So sneak. We aren't even allowed to touch the car keys. Our parents are afraid that we're going to run over some old, innocent lady." She said pointing to herself and me.

"Ryan, let's do this for Courtney. She's always been there for us. One time couldn't hurt." I joined Courtney with the puppy face.

"Fine. Maybe. But if we get caught, I might just have to kill you two." He gave me a peck and stood up.

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Courtney jumped on Ryan.

It was one of those rare moments where I saw her so happy. The last time she was this happy was when her Maltese gave birth to four healthy, little puppies.

The weather cleared up three days later, revealing Washington's beauty. The sky was gray when I woke up at six in the morning, couple of hours before my dad would get up. In less than an hour, the sky turned into its radiant blue, the type of blue you thought never existed. I preferred this weather to the rainy ones, but either way I was happy as long as I could be with Ryan and Courtney. I picked up the phone and pressed Courtney's number in.

"Hello?" She was obviously woken up by my early morning call.

"Hey, lovely."

"Zack, do you ever sleep? It's not even noon."

"I was thinking. We have, from what I see, two options here."

"For what?"

"You know…the thing."

"Can't we talk about this later?"

"No, we can't. Anyways, we have two options here. Option one is to just stay like this forever. Lie to our family, friends, teachers, neighbors, and the whole town. Be ashamed of who we are, and never come out to them. Let them stay in their own little worlds without any problems to interrupt them."

"Option two?"

"We come out to everyone. The town needs a change for once, and they need to be more accepting. It's the twenty-first century for Pete's sake! I mean it's their loss if they can't accept us, and I personally am sick of always lying and sneaking around."

"Option two is a big, big, big…"

"Yeah, I know." I cut her off. It was a big thing to do. "But what's the worst that could happen?"

"Getting killed, or getting kicked out of the house, if not the freaking town. Although the last part does sound somewhat appealing."

"Exactly. There are shelters out there for teens like us, Courtney. We don't have to stay here. We can runaway and go there."

"Zack, what are you smoking? How many times have you left the island?"

"Five or six times?"

"Exactly. We barely know about anything outside of this place. How are we going to manage to live in another place completely different from this twon? Have you even talked about this with Ryan?"

"No, not yet. But I will."

"I'm tired, so I'm going back to sleep. We can meet at the warehouse later today, okay?"

"Just letting you know that I like option two."

"Alright. I'll meet you at the warehouse later. Love ya."

"Love you, too."

"What's option two, honey?" My mom was standing behind me.

"Mom, when did you get up?" I jumped up and looked at her, scared she might've heard something.

"Just now. I heard you talking in here so I walked in a few seconds ago. Was that Courtney?"

"Um, yeah."

"Are you two ever going to go out? You guys make a cute couple."

"That's gross, mom. She's my best friend." I gave her a little shove out of my room. "Bye, mom."

"Do you want me to take you something to eat?"

"No, I'm just gonna go back to sleep."

Sometimes I wished that I could sleep forever, and forget about everything that was going on. I wanted it to be just Courtney, Ryan, and me. I was sick of lying and hiding myself from everyone I knew, and I felt like it was time to come out.

I remembered when I first became attracted to a guy. I went grocery shopping with my mom, and she was debating over whether to get green bell peppers or red bell peppers. I got bored and started to wander around, and that's when I saw him. I was eleven and he was maybe seventeen or eighteen. I just remember his wavy, blond hair and his beautiful brown eyes that mesmerized me. I think he knew I was staring at him because he got out of the aisle pretty quickly and uncomfortably. I couldn't stop but thinking he was so gorgeous, and how I wished he was gay. Then I began to think what was wrong with me for thinking that way, and I got so confused as to what I was. Over time, I became more and more assured about my orientation, but I wanted to know for sure. So I went out with a girl from school, and even though it was against the 'rules', we went all the way when we were fourteen. I was a hundred percent sure after that, considering that I felt sick to my stomach afterwards with no positive feelings. I never really got horny at the sight of slutty girls, like most guys my age, but I did get one too many crushes on guys. And I began to realized that being gay wasn't anything to be ashamed of. I realized that it wasn't a disease or an illness like everybody treated it to be.

"Zack, Ryan's here." My dad shouted from downstairs.

I turned lazily on my bed, kind of annoyed. I thought they knew now to just send Ryan up to my room whenever he came over. "Send him up, please!" I shouted back.

In less than a minute, Ryan had jumped on top of me, kissing me quickly. I enjoyed his morning visits, even if it meant him breaking my back. It was worth it. I could smell the cinnamon scented cologne he poured on himself when he laid down next to me.

"Hey, love." He gave me another kiss.

"You smell delicious." My voice was huskier than usual when I spoke. I leaned over him and grabbed a clean shirt off the floor.

"It's the one you gave me."

"Courtney and I were talking earlier on the phone."

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Yeah. Anyways, I was telling her how we had two options. One was to stay like this."

"This?"

"You know. Us."

"Oh."

"Just keep it a secret from the whole town forever. I don't really like this option at all, though. Option two is to just come out."

"That's a big thing. You know better than me how homophobic these people are."

"Yeah, but still."

"Hey, I'm with you no matter what. Don't worry about me turning my back on you."

"Thanks." I smiled and stood up. "Let's get out before my parents come in. I told Courtney we'd meet her at the warehouse."

"Aw, can't we just spend one day together?"

"But Courtney's my best friend. You'll live until tomorrow, right?" I gave him a kiss and pulled him up.

"You're lucky you're cute."

Ryan and I met Courtney at the warehouse. For some reason it felt wrong to be inside such a messy, dusty place on such a gorgeous day. A light breeze picked up soon afterwards and we just sat in silence, listening to the leaves rustle.

"So, can you drive me to the mainland anytime soon?" Courtney asked, breaking the silence.

"Maybe this weekend."

"Courtney, what do you think of coming out?"

"Um, well. To be frank, I'm not ready at all to come out anytime soon. What I are you gonna do anyway?"

"I don't know. Go out in public. Make out, hold hands, what not. Tell them that we're gay when they ask?"

"What about me?"

"I was thinking that Katie might be able to come here that day. Didn't you say she was eighteen?"

"Yeah. But...I don't know. I mean I'll be right there with you the whole time. Just give me a heads up when you're gonna go through with it."

"You know I love you, right?" I gave her a tight hug and a quick peck on the cheek.

We drove out to the ferry, and got a ride to mainland that Saturday. The sun blazed down at us as we walked through Universtiy of Washington, which most people referred to as U-Dub. Katie was visiting her sister there that day, and we had agreed to meet her outside Suzallo Library. Ryan and I were holding hands, knowing that no one in our town went or visited U-Dub, and Courtney was too distracted looking for Katie to have her mood dampened by the fact that she had no one to hold her hand.

"There she is." Courtney gave me a soft punch on my chest. She always seemed to do that when she was anxious.

We looked at the red headed girl sitting on the steps to the library. She was beautiful with her red hair, tall and lean body, and radiant smile. If I wasn't gay, I just might have gone out with her. She spotted us, got up, and waved.

"Zack, come with me." She tugged on my baby blue polo shirt.

"We're coming, we're coming." I laughed and pulled Ryan along.

I could tell right away why they were attracted to each other: they were both lively, had the same sense of humor, loved My Chem, and both played the piano. Katie was amicable to both Ryan and me, but she kept most of her attention on what Courtney had been blabbing on about. Even I wasn't that attentive most of the time. While the two girls talked, Ryan and I slipped around the corner and found a bench beneath a shade. He swung his legs over mine and rested his pretty head on my shoulder.

"You up to coming out? I mean you still have a little over five months to turn eighteen. Court and I will turn eighteen in less than two weeks."

"I'm guessing your impatient personality can't wait five more months, right?"

"I could, but it may just kill me." I smiled and sighed.

"You know, I wasn't born here. I lived in Vermont for the first fifteen years of my life."

"What are you saying?"

"My stepsister still lives there with her husband and twin boys."

I gave him a confused looked.

"I could live with her and you can, too. Well, until they get sick of us, that is."

"What about Courtney?"

"She can, too. I'm pretty sure Jesse will appreciate a female presence around the house."

"Wouldn't she, you know, call your mom or something?"

"From what I know, she hates the crap out of mom and Paul."

"She hates her own dad?"

"Well, she still blames Paul for his first wife's death. And she's still angry that he could marry my mom like three months after?"

"Whoa. Maybe he is responsible."

"Don't know. Don't care. Anyways, Jesse's a really nice person, and the best thing is that she's not at all homophobic. Oh, and she makes like the sexiest apple pies. She'll be happy to have us in our house." He smirked.

"So at least we know we have a place to go to."

"Yeah."

"You know that there's like a nine-five percent chance that we're gonna be kicked out, right?"

"I don't mind. Paul and I never liked each other, my mom stopped caring about me after she met Paul, and Hailey..." He trailed off. I knew that he loved Hailey, his six year old half sister, and he would die for her. "I guess I can always call and write to her, right?"

"I feel like the bad guy right now." I grinned and kissed him.

"You're not. I love you, okay?"

He began to kiss me, and I felt like disappearing in his kisses forever. I loved how his lips were so soft, and how his arms lightly rested on my shoulders. I couldn't remember the last time we were able to made out, and I had been wrapped up in my thoughts so deeply that had almost forgotten how great it felt to be with him alone. I let my hands creep up his shirt and feel his baby soft skin underneath. I could feel him shifting and giggling a little, probably because he was ticklish.

"Fags!" Some guys yelled at us.

"Go to hell." Another guy yelled before laughing and walking off.

"Damn it. I was enjoying that, you know?" Ryan muttered.

"Same here. But I guess we're gonna get a lot of what just happened." I gave him one last short kiss before I pulled him up. "Let's go get Courtney."

"Hey, we were talking about your option two." Courtney smiled when we sat down across from them.

"We just got called fags. But I guess it was worth it." I said.

"Oh, you'll get use to it. Just ignore them. I swear, they are the ones hiding in the closet." Katie joked.

"So, what were you guys saying?"

"Option two. Katie wants to help if you want her to."

"You have got to be the awesomest person ever." I said happy and excited.

"I've led rallies promoting gay rights a few times. So if you need any help, just give me a call, and I should be able to bring you several people, including myself."

"I don't think we want to make a big scene or anything. Just having you over for Courtney would be plenty enough." I smiled.

"When are we going to do this?" Courtney asked.

"Well, after we turn eighteen. Or maybe we should do it right on that day. That would be a surprise for everyone, huh?"

"And after that, we have a place we can go to in Vermont. You remember Jesse, right?"

"Was she that lady that came over last Christmas?"

"She was forced to come, actually, but yeah."

"She was so nice."

We talked for another hour or so, talking about how we all found out our sexual orientation, and talking about option two. Katie knew she was a lesbian when her used-to-be-best-friend kissed her at a sleepover. After that incident, she realized that she never felt an intense liking for a guy, but rather more for a girl. She said her best friend was gone, but she didn't say anything more about her. Courtney knew that she was a lesbian when her family went on a vacation to Florida, staying at her Aunt Sandy's house. She was ten at the time when she happened to pass by her cousin Lily's room, and saw Lily and one of her friends, well girlfriend I guess, making out on the bed. She told us that she had the strongest urge to join in and make it a 'make out orgy'. Ryan, after going through three girlfriends, realized that he didn't have much feelings for them, and noticed how he enjoyed looking at gay porn online.

"Zack, what time is it?" Ryan asked, bringing us away from concentration and back to reality.

We all had forgotten about the time and I scrambled to get my cellphone out.

"Fuck, we need to go. It's closing on at six. When are your parents coming back?"

"Sometime between six thirty and seven. We need to go." Ryan, Courtney, and I rushed up.

"I guess we'll talk to you online?" Courtney asked.

"Of course. I'll try and find times to drive over to where you guys live."

"Okay. Just call when you're going to." Courtney hugged her, facing us. She had this 'leave us alone for a minute or two, please?' look on her face.

"We'll be waiting for the ferry. Be quick, okay?" I said, walking away with Ryan.

"They're really cute together." He commented.

"Yep. And Katie is my savior right now." I rested my head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh. I felt excited and happy, but also nervous, angry, and afraid at the same time.

Courtney talked about how wonderful Katie was and how she kissed her and everything on the drive home. I don't know when I began to tune out of what the reason for my tuning out was. It was because either I was concentrating about option two or because I was tired.

Over the next week, I couldn't think about anything else except for the plan. I gave up on hopes of enjoying our summer, and readied myself for cruel criticism from everyone I knew. I wanted to come out, but at the same time I didn't want to. I couldn't help but feel guilty, too, at the fact that I was dragging Ryan and Courtney into this, and away from their families. And then I felt like I couldn't do this, and that I couldn't go through with it. I wondered how my parents would react, how everyone would react. My dad would be silent and just walk away, and my mom, well. She would laugh at first, wanting to think that what I did and said was a joke. Then she'd realize I was serious and begin to cry. Ryan's parents will disown him right away, and Courtney's would try and turn her straight by sending her to a strict Catholic school.

In two days, Courtney and I will have our conjoined birthdays, and in three days, four teenagers would be in my backyard, revealing themselves to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual. I could tell that my mom was excited and looking forward to my birthday, or as she called it 'entry into adulthood'.

"Hi, Mrs. William. I came to see Courtney." I greeted her mom at the door.

"Hey, Zack. How have you been?"

"Great, how about you?"

"You know, your mom and I have been busy planning for your birthdays tomorrow." She led me to the backyard as if I didn't know every square inch of the house.

Courtney was sitting on the tire swing that hung from 'our' tree. We had engraved our names into the trunk with the pocket knife my dad have given me. When we were younger, I remember how we always sat around the tree, or on the tire, swinging back and forth like there was no tomorrow. The sky was becoming gray and dull again, threatening to pour down on us at any second. I sat down on the tree stump next to the swing, and picked at the grass.

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." She repeated after me.

"You ready?"

"Yeah. Just a little nervous, you know?"

"You want to do this?"

"Of course. I want out of this house, and town. Spending our year off in Vermont should be fun. Maybe My Chem will come there while we're there." She smirked.

"I'd be so lost without you, you know that?"

"What about Ryan?"

"I've known him for a little less than two years. I've known you for all eighteen years of my life. Naturally, I'd come to you."

"Am I allowed to tell him that?"

"Nope."

"Well, I trust you, and you alone, with my life."

"Gee, no pressure there, love." I joked and handed her the Buttercup I picked.

"Can't believe we're gonna do this tomorrow. I mean I knew this was gonna happen sometime sooner or later, but I was leaning more towards the later." She laughed softly and looked at the flower.

"Katie's coming tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah." She stopped swinging. "Hey, you remember when we were like six and we got married right here on this spot?"

"Yeah. I gave you my ring my mom gave me when I did something good. I can't remember what it was, though."

"Mhm. My mom told me that I had to give it back because we weren't really married, and because it wasn't mine."

"You never gave it back."

"I know. I hid it in that little hole right next to you." She said pointing to the spot next to me. I reached in and felt around until I felt a circular shaped object.

"I think I found it." I pulled it out and brushed off the dust.

It was made out of cheap metal with a big, circular, corny, green plastic hot glued on there. It had rusted in places and the plastic was chipped on one side. It was rough in places where it had rusted, but the plastic remained smooth. It went down half way down my pinkie and remained there as I looked at it.

"I used to wear it when my mom wasn't looking. It doesn't fit anymore, though."

"If we were straight, I'd marry you all over again." I laughed and handed the ring to her.

"Courtney, there's a Katie on the phone?" Her mom held the phone to her chest and walked towards us.

"Crap." She muttered. "Thanks, mom." She reached for the phone.

"Who's Katie?" She whispered.

"A friend from school."

"Oh, well, you should invite her over sometime." Mrs. William smiled and went back in.

"Hey, Katie." Courtney put the phone on speaker.

"Hey. I'll be there tomorrow around two. Your party starts a little after that, right?"

"Mhm."

"Hey, Katie." I said into the phone.

"Who's that?"

"Zack."

"Oh, hi, Zack. You guys ready?"

We muttered a what I thought to be a yes.

"Come on. It'll be fine. I mean, look at me. But then I don't live in a homophobic town or an island or blah." She gave off a nervous, awkward laugh. "Yeah, so."

"So. I guess we'll see you tomorrow?" Courtney said. "Hold on, Katie." Courtney mute the phone. "Would you mind if I asked you to leave?" She gave me an apologetic look.

"Of course not." I smiled and embraced her in a tight hug. "Love you like whoa." I gave her a peck on her cheek before heading off.

"Love ya back."

I couldn't sleep that night, and spent half the night staring out at the stars. I wondered what if something went wrong, or what if Ryan or Courtney backed out. Then I got mad at myself for doubting my two best friends. I began to pack some of my clothes and things into a bag, and realized that all I needed were my clothes, music, computer, and money. I fell asleep around seven, listening to my mom fumble around in the kitchen, attempting to make her 'special' dish. I mean it was special...considering that I couldn't identify any of the ingredients in there.

"Happy birthday, Zack!" My parents came bursting into my room around eleven.

I groaned and shoved my head into my pillow.

"Oh, come on, Zack. It's eleven. Get up, get up." My mom's voice was cheery, as usual.

"Five more minutes, mom."

"Come on, son. Get up." My dad ruffled my hair.

I unwillingly turned around and propped myself up on my elbows. "Hi dad, mom."

"Here. Make a wish." My dad stuck a slice of cake in front of my face.

I smirked and wished that everything would go smoothly. I watched the wax from the blue candle slowly make its way down onto the white frosting covering the chocolate fudge cake, my favorite. I blew it and watched as the smoke twirled up into the air and slowly disappear. I would've given anything and everything to be that smoke at that moment.

"Boy, what did you wish for?" My dad chuckled.

"Huh?"

"You had such a serious look on your face." My mom gave me a hug. "Happy birthday, sweetheart."

"You should start getting ready for the party."

"Who's coming?" I asked nervously.

"Well, your father and I will be there. Ryan and his family, Courtney and her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Matthews, Courtney's friend Katie, um..." She looked at my dad.

"Mr. and Mrs. Carmen are coming."

"No, no. They can't make it."

"Why are the Matthews coming?"

"Honey, they're our neighbors, and besides, they helped us a whole lot when you were growing up."

"Hey, it's your birthday. Let's have a fun time."

I forced on a smile. "I love you guys." I said, knowing that this was probably the only time left to say it to them.

"Love you, too." They left the cake on my table and closed the door behind them.

Ryan, Courtney, Katie, and I met in the corner of my backyard. I could see that we were all nervous like hell, and that Courtney and Ryan hadn't gotten much sleep either. The four of us gave each other soft squeezes on the shoulder, and Katie put on a reassuring smile.

"It's gonna be fine, okay? They'll come around sooner or later." Katie smiled again. Her smile seemed to be contagious, seeing that all four of us were smiling soon afterwards.

"You guys, come on." Mrs. Matthews basically pushed the four of us down on the table.

I took a seat between Courtney and Ryan, holding both their hands as if they were my lifeline. I kept on thinking how clueless everyone was and how surprised they would be as they sang happy birthday. I tuned everything out and thought about how I was going to break it to them. Courtney nudged me with her elbow to get my attention. Everyone was staring at us, waiting for us to blow out the candles.

"Oh." I whispered. We smiled and blew out the candles together.

"So, Katie, were you in any classes with Courtney?" Mrs. William was trying to start a conversation with Katie.

"Um, yeah." She gave Courtney a quick glance.

"She was, um in my English class."

"Oh, so you know Zack, too." Mrs. William smiled. "What did you think about Mr. Taylor?"

"He, um, was a great teacher. Very lively and, and fun." She stuttered.

"Oh, really?" She had a confused look on her face. "Isn't he like sixty-seven?"

"He was sort of dull when I met him." My dad joked.

"Oh, well, um."

"Hey, eat some cake." Courtney handed Katie a piece of cake. "Ryan's mom made it."

"I helped, too!" Hailey said proudly.

"Of course you did, sweetie." Ryan smiled.

"Thank God Zack and Courtney likes the same kind. Chocolate fudge with white icing. I swear, they have more in common than I do with my own son." Mrs. Peterson, Ryan's mom, laughed.

"They would make such a darling couple." My mom said suggestively.

Courtney and I looked at each other.

"Um, mom, about that."

"Yes, honey?"

"I kind of have someone else."

"Me, too." Courtney chimed in.

"Well, who is it?" My mom and Mrs. William asked excitedly.

"Um, it's," I coughed and cleared my throat. "I, um, well. Mom, you are probably guessing it's a girl." I nervously laughed.

"Well of course. Is there any other gender?"

"About that."

"Stop saying 'about that' and tell us already." My mom smiled.

"Um,"

"I'm his someone else." Ryan pitched in. I could feel his grip tighten.

"And I'm her someone else." Katie said.

There was a minute of silence as all the adults stared at us, but it felt like so much longer.

"Mom? Dad?" I said breaking the silence.

"Th--that's funny, Ryan. But really, who is it?" My mom responded.

"It--it isn't a joke. I love Ryan. I like guys, mom."

"Zack, this isn't funny. It's disgusting."

"It's not meant to be funny, Mrs. Jacobs." Katie said to my mom. "Ryan and Zack are gay, and Courtney and I are lesbians. I like girls, Courtney likes girls--"

"We know what a gay and lesbian is!"

"Mommy, what are they arguing about?" Hailey asked.

My dad got up silently with this look on his face. His hands were balled into fists and he looked as if he was about to kill me, or Ryan, or both. He walked into the house, slamming the door behind him. Suddenly the sun felt unbearable, and I felt as if I was falling into an endless abyss of angry stares.

"I--I." My mom stuttered. "I think the party is over right about now." She said trying to keep her cool. "Let's all just pretend this never happened." She forced a smile before running inside the house.

"This is, um, quite disturbing." The Matthews stood up, avoiding eye contact with the four of us.

"Mommy?"

"Um, oh God. Um," Mrs. and Mr. William were on the verge of hyperventilation ."Honey, we're, we're going to get you professional help right away, and, um, everything is going to be fine." He said confused and disgusted at the same time.

"Dad, I'm fine! I'm a lesbian and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't need professional help." She stood up, holding Katie's hand.

"Courtney, let go of her hand. We're going home right now. I don't want you every seeing them again." Mrs. William pulled Courtney away forcefully.

"Mom!" Courtney yelled. "Talkie." She said to me quickly before leaving. Talkie was our code for saying, "Get on the walkie talkie tonight." We used it often when either one of us was grounded. Unfortunately, Ryan didn't know about it.

"We'll get you help." Mr. William mumbled over and over again.

"Ryan, what's going on? Aren't they gonna open the presents?" Hailey had a confused look on her face.

"Maybe later, Hails."

"Don't you talk to her." Mrs. Peterson picked Hailey up. "You, stay away from him." She yelled at me, rushing out.

"Ryan, now." Paul yelled at Ryan, pointing towards the fence door.

I mouthed 'warehouse' at Ryan. "Katie, warehouse."

"I'll be there." She hugged me. "Everything will be fine."

"Get away from Zack." Mr. Matthews said pushing her away.

"I'll clean up here." Mrs. Matthews said, trying to avoid everything that was going on.

I heard a loud crash coming from the house. I rushed in and followed the sound up to my room. My mom was rummaging through my desk drawer, my locked drawer, and yanked it open, finding my journal. She quickly went through it, shaking with fury as she read the notes Ryan wrote to me.

"Mom," I began.

"What is this? Is this some kind of sick joke?" She stared at the letter, and then she began to rip it up into pieces.

"Mom!" I yanked my journal and the notes from her hands.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this? Oh, God. Oh, God. People can't know about this. People can't--" She ran out of the room before she finished her sentence. I could hear her rushing outside, and hysterically talking to the Matthews, telling them to please keep it a secret, that it was just a big misunderstanding.

"Of course, Patty. Everything will be alright. And I know a renown therapist--" Mrs. Matthew began.

I tuned out, angry, frustrated, afraid, and sad. I pushed the stack of books on my desk down to the carpeted floor.

"Damn it!" I screamed, kicking my chair against the wall. I backed up into my closet and leaned against the wall in the darkness. I felt like crawling back into the closet again. I stared off into space, crying, wishing that I was with Courtney and Ryan. I could hear my mom calling their houses, begging them to keep these a secret. I tuned her out and closed my eyes. The peace lasted for maybe three minutes. My mom slammed the door opened to the study, where my dad was, and began to yell at him.

"Garry, do something about this! Your son has gone mad! We--we need a therapist, or--or, damn it, Garry! I can't do this by myself."

"He isn't my son anymore, Patty!" He screamed. That was probably the first time I heard him scream. I heard the door slam two more times before things became silent.

I got up and reached under my mattress to get the walkie talkie. I turned it on and it made a little beep. My hands were trembling and it took me a while to press the talk button. "Courtney?" No reply. "Courtney, you there?" Only static filled the silence. I turned it off and shoved it back underneath. I laid down on my bed, facing the wall, and cried myself to sleep.

It was dark when my dad stormed into my room, and pulled me up. He shook me repeatedly, screaming, "What the hell is wrong with you?" He hit my jaw with strength I didn't know he possessed. I could feel a tickling sensation, quickly followed by heat. I tasted blood in my mouth and spat it out. "Who made you this way? What did we ever do to deserve this? Why are you doing this us?" He yelled at me, giving me no chance to answer.

"No one made me this way, dad! I like guys! What's wrong with that, huh? I'll tell you what. Nothing!" I screamed back, anger rushing all throughout my body.

"I'll tell you what's wrong!" He pushed me back onto a wall. "God did not make humans so they can be faggots and queers! It's a sick thing! You disgust me!" He hit me again.

"Stop it!" My mom yelled from the door, crying like a maniac. No, a sane person compared to my dad. "Stop it! Both of you." She pulled my dad off from me. "Garry, let me talk to him...alone." He gave me a stare of disgust and anger before walking out. Again, I heard the door slam, and I thought the house was going to crumble from the force.

"I don't understand, mom." I said trembling.

"I don't understand, either. What--what have I done wrong to make you this way? I thought I did everything right raising you. What did I do, Zack?"

The spots where my dad hit me stung as my tear rolled over them. I wiped the blood away from my lip and looked my mom's shaking body outlines in the dark. I couldn't believe the way they were thinking. They treated me as if I was a murderer that had just killed someone because I was brought up wrong.

"You did nothing wrong, mom. Why do you think--" I sighed.

"We'll talk about this tomorrow." She sat motionlessly for a while before getting up and walking out.

My clock blinked 12:00 over and over again fallen on the floor. I guess I must have knocked it over when my dad yanked me up. I locked my door and laid back down on the bed, my body screaming from the soon to form bruises. I pulled out the red walkie talkie again and turned it on.

"Courtney?" I said in a husky voice.

"Zack! Where were you? I've been trying to get to you for the past two hours."

"What time is it?"

"Um, eleven thirty-eight." She didn't say anything and neither did I. "What happened? I can hear you shaking."

"I underestimated things." I whispered. "I didn't expect my dad to go berserk on me."

"Wh-what do you mean? You're not hurt," Courtney paused before reluctantly asking, "are you?"

"I think my lip's cut open. He hit my cheek, too, and I think it's bleeding. I don't know. He slammed me against the wall. Was this a bad idea?"

"Don't think that, okay? If they can't accept us, it's their lose. Not ours." She was crying, and she was trying to muffle it.

"What happened with you? You're still in one piece, right?" I let out a small laugh.

"Yeah. My mom and dad are sitting in front of the computer, trying to find me a therapist or something. I'm so sorry, Zack."

"Ryan's all alone right now. God knows what Paul's done to him."

"I hope he didn't do anything but scream since Hailey's in the house. The last thing Mrs. Peterson wants her daughter to see is her dad beating up his own kid."

"I hope that stands true."

"My parents kept on asking me if they did anything wrong to make me this way."

"Same here. It's kind of sad. The way they think that is. Oh, and my mom found the notes Ryan wrote me. She ripped them up into pieces."

"My parents just want to get rid of me. Put me in an asylum or something. Damn it, Zack. I'm sorry your dad hurt you."

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

"You sound tired."

"I don't know." I laughed as if I was going insane. Maybe I was insane. "Can you believe it? I don't know what I feel right now."

"Everything will be fine."

"I wish people would stop saying that. Nothing is fine. I feel like nothing will ever be fine."

"Come on, Zack. I need you to be the optimistic person for me. I can't go through this without you, okay? Stay with me."

"What time is it? I need to set my clock."

"Eleven fifty-four."

"Thanks."

"Hey, my parents are coming. Tomorrow at eight in the morning, okay?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

"Love you. Hang in there." She turned hers off abruptly.

I sighed and turned mine off, returning it to its hiding place under the mattress. I set my clock and the alarm clock before drifting off to sleep involuntarily. I dreamt that mobs of angry crowd were chasing Ryan, Courtney, Katie, and me all throughout the town. And everywhere we went, people wanted to kill us. I kept running, and running, but I couldn't escape them. It was one of those dreams that has you running, but you don't make any progress. Ryan, Courtney, and Katie all disappeared not to far in the dream. When I turned around, I saw my dad holding up a gun aimed at me, then he shot me. That was when my alarm clock went off. I sat up straight on my bed and slammed it off. My entire body was sore from being thrown around. I could feel the two wounds on my face, especially the cut on my lip, which hurt like hell when I moved it a little. I got the walkie talkie and pressed the talk button once more.

"Court?"

"Hey, you're up." She whispered. "How're you feeling?"

"Everything hurts. Can you get to a phone?"

"No. My parents took my computer and phone away last night. This is like the only method of communication." She smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

"I need to call Ryan. Or Katie, or something." I found my phone on the floor. I figured it had fallen when I pushed the books off. The battery fell out, but it still worked when I put it back in. I tried to focus as my hands trembled and the screen blurred in front of my eyes. I called Ryan six times, and each time, it went to his voice mail.

"Is he picking up?"

"No. It's turned off. Paul probably took it away." I sighed.

"Call Katie. 324-7972."

It took me a while to press the correct numbers. After three rings, she picked up.

"Thank goodness. It's Zack."

"Zack! We were getting worried about you. Courtney, too."

"We?" I asked.

"Yeah. Ryan's with me. We called you and Courtney several times, but neither of you picked up."

"My battery fell out."

"Zack, you there?" Courtney asked on the talkie.

"Yeah. Ryan's with Katie. Can, can you keep the talkie on? I'll talk to you a few minutes later."

"Yeah. Hey, you know what? Can you sneak out?"

"Probably."

"Meet me at the warehouse. Tell them I'll meet them at the warehouse tonight, ready to go. I can't stay here. I need to get out before my parents send me off to some place."

"Okay. I love you and be careful."

"Same to you, too. Tell Katie and Ryan that I love them."

"Okay." I heard her click hers off. "Courtney's gonna meet you two later tonight. That, um, probably means around eleven. Oh, and she says she loves you both."

"Alright. Well, Ryan and I are at Sam's Motel. But we'll be at the warehouse at midnight. What about you?"

"I'll be there, too."

"Wanna talk to Ryan?"

"Can't. I think my mom's coming." I hung up and slipped the phone into my jeans.

"Zack, you up?" My mom knocked on my door.

"Yeah."

She opened the door and walked in hesitantly, as if she was afraid I was going to make her a lesbian. She leaned against the wall across from me and just stared at me, studying me.

"Can you please tell me what I did wrong to make you this way? We-we can fix you. It's not too late."

"Nothing. You did nothing wrong. You and dad have been the best parents to me."

"Then why? Are--are you just confused?"

"Mom, I'm not confused and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm gay, and I'd really appreciate it if you could accept that. I have been since I was eleven."

"How, how, um, are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"How do you know? No, wait. I don't want to know. Your dad and I talked to Mrs. Matthews yesterday. She knows a very professional, renown therapist. And we...I am willing to pay a million dollars if necessary to get you an appointment with him."

"There's nothing wrong with me, mom. You can't fix me when there's nothing to fix. If it's something you're looking to fix, it's this whole damn town."

"Honey, listen to yourself. We're all here to help you."

"Help me what! Hide myself? Be homophobic? Be a narrow minded person?"

"To make you normal!" She raised her voice at me. "To make you normal, to make you accepted, to make you realize the wrongs from right."

"Define normal, mom. Do you really think that lying to myself is right? Do you think that hiding myself is right? Do you think making me forced to like someone I don't is right? Do you think hating someone for being themselves is right?"

"The right thing is to do what the Bible says. Not to go against it."

"Unbelievable. You and dad and this fucked up town. Unbelievable." I smirked. "I'm not going to go to a therapist. Don't bother spending a dime getting one. There's nothing wrong with me."

"We did everything for you, Zack. Everything. I gave up my career as a doctor just so that I can stay home and raise you up right. Your dad and I don't even go to golfing or anything like that just so that we can save the money for your college fund. And this is how you repay us? Going astray and disrespecting us? Putting us to shame?"

"You're putting yourself to shame. Not me."

"I want you out of the house by tonight. I don't care where you go or what you do. I want you out of the house by tonight!" She slammed the door behind her.

"Be glad to." I muttered. I finished packing up that day, and lingered outside my parents' room.

I knocked on it once and waited. My mom opened the door and she looked like a mess with her red eyes and runny nose. She stood there, saying nothing.

"I'm going." I saw my dad sitting in front of the computer, completely tuning me out. "Just thought you'd want to know." No reply. "Bye, I guess." I picked up the bag and went down the stairs.

No buses or cabs stopped for me no matter how long I waited. It was beginning to get dark when I gave up on catching a ride, and started to walk to Sam's Motel. It was three miles away from where I lived, and I've gone there several times with Ryan and Courtney. I rested for a while at the bend of a sidewalk after walking for thirty minutes. Some people passed by, most of them people I didn't know well. The people that I did know gave me stares, much like the one that Ryan and Courtney's family gave me. I picked up my bag and started to walk again, motivated partially by the fact that I wanted to see Ryan, and partially from fright.

I called Katie again when I got near the motel. It was closing on at ten o'clock and it threatened to rain yet again. "Hey, I'm almost at the motel."

"When did you leave?"

"About an hour ago."

"Why did you call me? I could've gotten you a cab or something."

"Doubt it. I tried to flag down some for half an hour. No one stopped. Can you put Ryan on the phone?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, love!" He said a few seconds later.

"Hey."

"Where are you?"

"Like five minutes away from the motel."

"How are you?"

"I'll tell you when I get there. What happened with you?"

"They kicked me out that day. They took away my phone and computer. Told me that I had ten minutes to pack."

"What about H--never mind. I'm sorry."

"I'm coming out to get you." He hung up without giving me a chance to protest.

I saw him running out a few minutes later, hugging me tightly as if he was afraid to lose me if he let go.

"Ow!" I yelped.

"Oh, sorry. What's wrong?" He took my bag and studied my face under the light.

"It's nothing. Just a little sore." I smiled and lowered my head. "We should head to the warehouse soon." I held his hand and leaned on him slightly.

We walked into the last room on the right. The number nine had fallen off, making it seem like the room number was twenty instead of two hundred nine. The red paint was chipping off the door, and when the two of us walked in, a blast of cigarette stench hit us. Katie was reading a book on the single bed that was placed in the middle of the wall. The lighting was dim and flickered occasionally.

"Hey..." Her voice trailed off. "What happened?"

"My--nothing. It's nothing." I let myself fall on the dinky bed.

"Zack, what happened?" Ryan sat me up.

"I don't wanna talk about it, okay?" I snapped at him.

"Sorry."

"Damn it." I whispered to myself. "I'm sorry. It's just." I sighed. "Can we just walk to the warehouse? I know the shortcut." I stood back up. "Hey, did your parents tell anyone about us? Like you, me, Courtney, and Katie?"

"No, why?"

"The fact that I can't get a ride and the fact that people have given me looks on the way over here, people know."

"You're gonna have to be careful. We all do." Katie said zipping up her bag.

"Hope Courtney's alright." Ryan picked up my bag and his.

"Thanks."

We walked to the warehouse in silence, and reached there in less than twenty minutes. We put our bags down on the ground and turned on the oil lamps. It felt awkward not having Courtney there as we sat around for almost two hours, doing nothing. I fell asleep in Ryan's arms quickly, not caring about what was going on.

"Zack, get up."

I groaned a little and opened my eyes. Katie was standing over us.

"What time is it?"

"Half past midnight. Courtney's not here." She had worry in her voice.

I sat up, tired and hungry.

"She should've been here." I mumbled.

"Do you wanna go look for her?" Ryan sat up, folding his arm back and forth.

"She would've taken the shortcut through the back." I said, walking out.

We followed the shortcut from the warehouse all the way to her house. The lights were all out, and when I threw some pebbles at her window, she didn't look out. I was in denial, and I knew it. I kept telling myself that she stopped, and perhaps fell asleep on the park bench, or that she was late getting something. I didn't want to think the worst, so I didn't. We went around the long way, and still, no sign of Courtney.

"Please tell me she's alright." I muttered to no one in particular. Neither responded as we continued to search.

"Do you think that maybe we should go ask her parents?" Ryan asked reluctantly.

I just stared, not processing his words very well.

"Come on." Katie and Ryan pulled me along to her house. The lights were still on, and Ryan literally had to pick me up to get me up the front porch steps. We rang the doorbell, and after a minute or so, we heard someone come towards the door.

"What are you doing here?" Mr. William asked coldly. He was still dressed in work clothes, and his face was a mess from crying and anger.

"Is Courtney here?" Katie went ahead and asked since neither Ryan nor I said anything.

"She told me to give you this." He dug in his pant pockets and took the 'wedding ring', throwing it at me with anger and hatred. "It's all your fault that she is dead. If it wasn't for you...then none of this would've happened. She's dead because of you." He spat at me.

I was motionless, as if I was a robot that had been switched off. I kept thinking that he was mistaken, or that the police had found the wrong body. Courtney couldn't be dead. She couldn't be.

"Dead?" Ryan whispered.

"She's dead because of you!" He slammed the door shut on us.

I didn't believe it. I didn't want to.

"Courtney's not dead. The-the police just made a mistake. She can't be dead. Sh--she's gonna be in the warehouse when we get there. She's not dead. She's alive and she's going to be waiting for us." I tried to smile as I said this. This was what I wanted to believe. Nothing else. I started to walk away, ignoring the words that were coming out of Ryan's mouth.

"Zack!" Katie screamed after me. Ryan yanked my arm, turning me around to a stop.

"Zack, stop it."

"She's not dead! She can't be dead." I pulled away and ran towards the warehouse.

I kept thinking over and over again that she wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. Her dad was lying to us, or the police was lying. I hoped over and over again that she was going to be sitting in the warehouse, waiting for us, and when we open the door, she was going to jump down from the stack of tires, put on her radiant smile, and come hug me, like she always does. But nothing happened when I open the door. There was no Courtney, no smile, no hugs. Nothing had changed since the three of us left. Waves of emotions swept over me, suffocating me as I started to hit and kick everything.

"Zack!" Ryan tightly hugged me from behind, and it wasn't until then that I realized my knuckles were bleeding and that I had thrashed the place up to the point where it threatened to break down on us.

"She's not here." I mumbled, crying uncontrollably. Katie hugged me from the front and told Ryan to get our stuff, and that we were going to leave.

"Zack, I know it hurts. It hurts me, too. But we can't stay here anymore." Katie said calmingly into my ear.

"It's my fault. I killed her."

"No you didn't. Don't ever think that. Come on, we need to go."

The three of us made our way to the ferry, which operated twenty-four seven. Steve, the guy who worked there at night, was reluctant to give us rides, but he eventually gave in after several minutes of persuasion. The railings supported me as I leaned forward, staring at the black water that never seemed to end. The ring was still tightly clutched in my left hand, which stung when I moved it.

"You remember the best friend I had?" Katie asked walking up to me.

I didn't say anything and continued to look at the water, breathing in the salty air.

"Her name was Nina. Really lively and pretty, too. Much like Courtney."

Courtney was lively and beautiful inside and out.

"You know what happened to her?" Her voice wavered a little. I looked at her face, now washed over with grief. "She was drugged and beaten to death by three people she knew. God, I can't imagine how helpless she must have felt. How angry, afraid, and sad."

"I'm sorry." Was all I managed to whisper.

"Her parents blamed me, too. I denied her death at first. I told myself that the police was lying and that she really was alive, just like you." She paused and looked at me. "I blamed myself, too. Turns out that one of the three guys that beat her was her ex-boyfriend. They were scared, I guess, when they were found guilty. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'll find her sitting on my bed, waiting for me, and sometimes I feel mad at myself for not being there for her."

"We're here." Ryan said, placing a hand on my back.

"It feels like I just lost Nina all over agian." Katie had a sad smile on her face. "I promise you, Zack, that life doesn't end here, because like it or not, it's just the beginning." She gave my arm a squeeze before grabbing her things.

"Come on." Ryan gave me a kiss on my tear stained cheek.

We stayed at Katie's house that night. Her dad was out of town on a business trip, and her mom seemed a little alarmed at the sight of me. She took care of my wounds before she let me go to sleep, which I didn't get much of. I thought about what Katie said to me about Nina, and how she felt like she had lost her all over again tonight. I twirled the ring over and over again on the bed, staring at my phone, hoping that Courtney would by chance call, saying, "Gotcha!" in her wonderful voice. Jesse flew out from Vermont to get us the next day. I tried to smile, and be friendly to her, but I couldn't get myself to muster up a simple hi. She was a little shorter than Ryan, and seemed in rather good shape for being the mother of twin boys. I could see that she dyed her hair blonde, seeing that she had brown hair showing at the roots.

"Is Courtn--"

"She's not coming." Ryan said quietly.

"Thank you, Mrs. Robinson." The three of us said. Katie slipped me a note before Ryan and I slipped into the backseat of the blue rental car. The thirty minute ride to the airport was silent, which ironically seemed to give me a headache.

"So, am I allowed to ask about Courtney?" The three of us settled into our seats on the plane.

This was my first plane ride, and to be frank, I wasn't aware of the fact that in five minutes, I'd be flying high up in the air. I remember how Jesse and Ryan made small talks, how I tuned everyone out, how the peanuts tasted nasty, how Ryan held my hand, and how the plane shook as we took off. I managed to fall asleep, trying to forget about Courtney, but ended up dreaming about Nina's death, except instead of Nina being beaten up, it was Courtney I saw.

It was darkening when we got to Jesse's house. It was a beautiful, three story, brick house with two white columns stood on both sides of the door. The twins came running towards us, both grabbing onto both of Jesse's legs. Bobby, her husband, was a tall, chubby man with curly brown hair, a trait which he seemed to have passed onto the twins. I could smell mash potatoes cooking on the stove as Jesse took us upstairs into spare bedrooms connected with a bathroom in the middle. The room was about the size of mine painted in a soft shade of beige, and furnished simply with a bed, vanity, and a dresser. I put my bag down on the foot of the bed and laid down, wishing that I could disappear into the mattress.

"Boys, dinner will be ready in ten minutes!" Bobby said from downstairs. I could hear the sound of Nathan and Michael running around outside my room.

"Hey, love." Ryan laid down next to me, embracing me with his gentle arms.

"I feel like screaming." I inhaled the sweet smell of cinnamon on him.

"I know."

"She said that she trusted me with her life." I could feel the ring pushing against my leg in my jeans. I sniffled and dug my face deeper into Ryan's chest, somewhat wanting to suffocate myself. I could hear the door creak open and the mashed potato smell hit me again, reminding me of my mom.

"Everything alright?" Jesse stood at the end of the bed.

"We'll be down in a minute." Ryan gave me a small squeeze.

"Okay." She closed the door behind her, making a creaking sound again.

The twins kept asking what we were doing at their house, and after two months of telling them that we were just visiting, they got tired of asking the question. Bobby and Jesse were nice and comforting to both of us, and I could see that they were trying to get us to cheer up about the whole thing. I sometimes heard Ryan calling his house, trying to get a hold of Hailey. We both were going through a hard time from both having left our families and from Courtney's death. I called Katie two or three times during those two months, and talked to her about Courtney. She was as close to her as Ryan was, and twice more sad about her death.

"I talked to Hailey today." Ryan came running into my room and jumped up on my bed.

"Huh?" I was lost in thought and heard 'today'.

"Hailey. Me. Phone. Talk. Today."

"Oh, that's great!" I smiled. "You have your lip ring in, too." I noticed that he had it in for once. He had pierced it before he moved to Bellport without his parents' knowledge. I thought he looked cuter with it on, and I enjoyed the feel of the smooth metal when we kissed.

"It took some time, but I guess it was worth it." He leaned in and gave me one of his long kisses.

It seemed as if I havn't felt so carefree and this good in forever. My words came out as sighs, and everything seemed to drop around me. I let myself melt into his arms, and let him take control over me before resting my head on his shoulder.

"Was it worth it to be sad?" I asked bluntly.

"You lost me."

"Was it worth it to be sad? I mean is it worth the time to be sad? It'll go away eventually, right? The sadness that is. It'll go away, leaving behind nothing but wasted time and bad memories. So is it worth it to be sad, because once the sadness goes away, you realize that you could've done a whole lot during that time, or you miss out on important things."

"It's worth it to spend time grieving. That's what makes us all human." He smoothed out my hair.

"I couldn't have done this without you, you know?"

"Me neither."

"We couldn't have done it without Courtney."

"I love you."

"Forever and ever." I held onto his ring, twirling it around his finger occasionally.

The part where Ryan said something about grieving, and that making us all humans, got me thinking about my parents. I realized that I never took the time to think about what my parents were going through. If I had grown up in a homophobic town my whole life, and was homophobic myself, I would've killed myself if my child was homosexual. I wouldn't have understood and would be confused, sad, angry, and hurt.

"Ryan," I paused. I didn't want to say it. "I--never mind."

I wrote to my parents that night. It would be my mom's forty-ninth birthday in a few days, and the least I could do for her was write her a letter wishing her a happy birthday. I sat on the bed, thinking about what I should write about. The trash can was filled up with a bunch of crumpled paper within five minutes, and continued to have a stare down contest with the blank sheet of paper. Then it was as if a wave of words filled my head:

Hi mom and dad.

I know you're gonna throw this away, but just keep reading, please?

I love you guys and no matter how much you might hate me, I will still love you.

I know that you wanted to make me the best person you can, and I still can be that person.

But me being gay is like being a convict on the run for you guys, and so you guys just kicked me out.

I can't expect for you guys to change your beliefs and take me back as if nothing happened, and so I won't.

I never thought that Courtney would be a victim of a hate crime, at least not in Bellport.

I still sometimes find myself blaming myself for her death just as her dad had done.

But I know that it was people's homophobia that actually led to Courtney's murder...not me.

I just wanted to let you know that love doesn't give shit about age, race, religion, ethnicity, or gender.

At least try and understand that I am what I am, and that I am still your son no matter what.

I'm still the same Zack that you loved, and being gay shouldn't change your views of me.

I love you and happy birthday, mom.