It was a Thursday and late Ryan decided he could not concentrate on his math today so he called over to his cousin Kate’s room so he could talk to someone. Namir his roommate and his girlfriend were setting on the top bunk with legs intertwined. It was making Ryan as jealous could be. The phone rang five times and right before Ryan gave and hung up the phone was picked up. He could hear Red Hot Chili Peppers in the background and sobbing on the other end.
“I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way”
“Kate, what’s wrong?” Ryan asked.
“Dammit! every body loves Kate” Ryan heard over the sobs
“Megan?” Ryan asked to his cousin Kate's roommate.
“Ryan your perfect cousin is not here” Megan said as she slammed the phone down.
Ryan attempted to call again with no answer. His cousin Kate had not mentioned any problems she was having with Megan. Megan seemed very upset. At that time the pizza that Namir had ordered arrived. Namir always ordered an extra pie for Ryan when he ordered pizza. Namir was deep in conversation with his bride to be and they usually ignored Ryan anyways. Ryan went to the minifridge and grabbed a sixpack of beer. Although it was forbidden by his religion Namir loved good beer. The beer was Miller Reserve Ryan did not like the taste, but it was cold and free.
The dorms are supposed to be locked which would have been a problem except that Kate and Megan’s room was on the first floor. Ryan made his way over to her window and knocked. Megan came over and from her appearance it was clear that she had been crying for some time. She looked even more upset that Ryan was at her window. Megan opened the window and asked Ryan what the hell he wanted.
“Hey I had a whole pie and a six pack to my self here and I was wondering if you had eaten yet.” Ryan explained.
“Ryan that is nice really nice, but I don’t want to be around people right now. I just can’t take it anymore” she said between sobs.
“Have you had dinner at least?” Ryan asked.
“Go the hell away nerd” Megan shouted as she walked away from the window turning up the Chili Peppers music.
“Well if you want someone to talk to I will be right here enjoying the music” Ryan said sincerely as he grabbed a slice of the cheese pizza and slid the box and 5/6th of the Miller Reserve thru the window.
By the time the lady cop in the song tells Flea to spread his legs Megan stuck her head out the window. Ryan looked up as he drank his beer. They sat there looking at each other for a few moments as the song continued on. A tear fell down on Ryan’s cheek.
“You know … you know you are a real ass hole” Megan said and she let out a small laugh.
“So can I come in?” Ryan asked.
Author notes
I love the chili peppers. This story takes place in 1992 and loosly based on an actual event.
A contest entry
- Try This. by Kevan.
500 points, ended August 10, 2007, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I love these characters please trash the story I need to get better.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hmm, yeah, I can see that this needs a little work, but I'm not critiqueing on spelling, commas, etc. Instead, I'm actually going to tell you what I thought of the story. It was really good. I've had similar events happen before and really, being in Megan's shoes, it sucks. I would like to read more though, so if there's ever a second part, let me know!
-Kevan -
the opening is kind of confusing (at least for me) and to be honest, i dont quite understand the point of the piece. but i'm tired and probably really stupid right now so feel free to ignore this comment
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The big thing I noticed was a lack of commas, especially at the end of dialogue sentences. ex.:"...I just can't take it anymore," she said. Check all the sentences like that and make sure they end in either a punctuation mark or a comma.
The characters were interesting but a little confusing. More detailed descriptions of them would be great, and maybe a little more on their relationships. I like it enough to want to know more. -
It was a Thursday and late Ryan <---awkward, could be it was late on Thursday afternoon and Ryan...
bride to be = bride-to-be
minifridge = mini-fridge
The beer was Miller Reserve(,)Ryan<---missing comma
ass hole= asshole
I agree also with the two awkward sentences already mentioned.
You could give me some more details about the appearance of the characters to help establish comments like "nerd"--was he, wasn't he? I don't know since I know nothing about him. I have no way to establish age other than musical taste, age of Chili Peppers as a band and alcohol in the fridge. Given the age, knowing if they were of age to have alcohol etc...would all help color my opinions of the characters.
It would also help to have some clues as to the relative age of the little sister, is she 9 or 16, or 30 any of which would make me see the scene entirely differently.
Also, the ending. I think that their conversation should leave me either knowing that it was the beginning of a long friendship, or if not, then feeling like the character is a good guy who always helps people...or something.
Write if you have questions, ~Six
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Not bad
A few trip ups here and there. “Ryan that is nice really nice, but I don’t want to be around people right now."
Personally i think that you should have put a full stop after the first "nice", or a comma at the very least. Other than what andy18 mentioned its pretty good -
decent, could be improved though
the line "The phone rang five times and right before Ryan gave and hung up the phone was picked up.", made me stumble when i was reading, you might want to fix that. "“Go the hell away nerd”", also made me stumble as well, minor fixer upper, but doesn't detract in my perspective. Some minor grammar and spelling here and there. personally, i had a somewhat hard time reading it, although it could be due to my severe retardness. i liked though, regardless, and i think you could make it even better if you spend a little more time and effort. make it a little more descriptive and what have you. otherwise, it was good.
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