Smoke rising
It's a prayer rising
It's a prayer
Crashing on the waves
Hide trying
There's no use dying
It's a breath
Thrashing in the wind
Holding on
Breathe in the moments
Holding on
Long for the moments
Thought soothing
All feeling losing
It's a gasp
Washing over me
Tear jerking
How sickly irking
It's a dream
Breaking to begin
Holding on
Breathe in the moments
Holding on
Long for the moments
Holding on
Live for the moments
Author notes
Thanks to Alex for writing the music and letting it inspire me to write this.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I love ur poem!It made me cry a little bit.
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Not sure I completely grasped this - but toward the end I got the hold on when there is nothing left to hold on to? Does that make sense?
beginning: 1, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 1.
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Nice write, Ivory Rose. This should be on the allpoetry site, not storywrite. Its still a good write, though, but it needs to be either transfered to the other site or it needs to be made into a story so it will make sense being on this site.
Nicely done and keep on writing. -
This was Moving..
I thought this was really addictive! I love where your coming from with this song. Great job!
Loved It, Loved It and LOVED IT! Wish I could hear the music for it. lol.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I wish I could hear the music for this, because poetically this is nice. The only problem I have is tracking the pace of the poem, and I find myself getting trapped in trying to read it with a beat, which I do not know and keep on trying to make up.
Otherwise, I find that I really like the pattern, poetically, and there are some moments that really jump out (Jerking...irking). I think the ending adds a nice touch and capitulates your repetetion of the previous four lines from earlier. On its own, very nice.
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Nice poem
Loved your words, I thought they were powerful and that pulled the reader into the poem. Nice job!
Lynn
return the favor?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I like it.
I can see why Gary Alexander has his questions but i also understand that you wrote it to express feelings and I felt it.
It could apply to a large group situations and I respect that. When i read it the desperation in your words are wonderful. Not to say that desperation is wonderful in it self but i find that you express it wonderfully.
Mae
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There's something there - it seems like the MC is on the beach walking alone, they think of something great, but it's also something sad.
The whole flow of this reminded me of the crashing of waves. Perhaps that's what you're trying to say, waves of emotion?
This I thought was very good, and there's something deep in there...
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Hi.
There's a lot of consistency in some of the metaphors...but some inconsistency also. Lots of poetic music and feeling as well...but I am not sure I feel the same throughout...I felt jarred and confused. Not sure what you meant..."Long for the moments." What moments? You said you were already "holding on"..."breathing in the moments".... "All feeling losing! Losing what? You just said you were "soothed." It might also help if the reader could have a clue about just what was "tear jerking"...and what the "dream" was. Also not sure "sickly irking" is such a good idea...an adverb modifying an adjective...and no noun to clarify what we are speaking of. Anyway,, I thought the reader should share a more clear feeling with the poet of...what is going on! Should have a more consistent feeling throughout!
GA -
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The point isn't what is meant, it's just the feeling. Jarred is the point, so is confused, and whatever else you can get. This isn't meant to tell you what happened it's meant to make you feel something. So tell me did you feel somehting?
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Ivory...
How can one "feel" something if one doesn't get meaning? Isn't writing to convey, in addition to "feeling," meaning? I would think one without the other is pointless. They ought to go together, don't you think? No point otherwise. To feel angry...without knowing why? To feel sadness without knowing why? How silly! Almost as bad as reading a piece with "lots of meaning"...but feeling bothing from it! Pointless! Goes nowhere!
GA -
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You're a prose writer right? It sure seems that way. A song is supposed to convey feelings. It can tell a story but not necessarily.
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hide trying
theirs no use dying
wonderfull....praise you
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This is good. It'd be one interesting song, definitley. My favorite part was;
Holding on
Breathe in the moments.
Good poem- can't wait to read more. :]
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