With his hand outstretched

A soft breeze whisked through the air, darting between branches and blossoms which extended far from the trees. The air smelled sweet of springtime life, and the visual itself of the small, extraordinary, garden was absolutely breathtaking.1

Two figures walked along the cobblestone path that lay within  rows of colorful flowers. The flowers circled a large, captivating fountain in the center that seemed to tower exquisitely above its kingdom of roses, daisies, and lilies. One body, seeming to belong to that of a child, held the hand of the other, an older man by his stature, swinging it lightly back and forth. Her laughter brightened the area like music to creative ears.2

"Were you scared?" the little girl asked, looking up to face the man beside her. He looked down upon her sparkling eyes and spoke softly in return.3

"At first, but I knew it was my purpose. I knew our father would take care of me. He always does."4

The child seemed content with his answer, and turned her curious head to look around their secret garden. As the sun rose through the sky, the little girl became much more easily visual. Not once along their journey had she taken her hand away from his until her gaze withheld a cluster of beautiful roses. She knelt down on the stones where dirt had gathered from age, her flowing white dress becoming impure by the brown mess that gathered in little patches where her knees lay on the ground. The man stopped to watch her reach out and try to grasp the flower.5

"Watch for those roses. They look beautiful but please don't touch them," he warned. She disregarded his caution and continued her reach, holding the stem of the flower for a split second before recoiling back sharply as a thorn caught her soft skin. She turned to the man, tears welling in her eyes from the sudden sting, then by the thought of knowing she hadn't obeyed him like she should have. Her eyes met the ground as she hung her head shamefully, tears starting to roll down her flushed cheeks. He kneeled down and tilted her head up to look at him, then smiled and took her hand, kissing her wound, afterwards brushing the bit of loose dirt that clung to her white gown; however, the stain was still there. She smiled back sheepishly before he picked her up, her small arms held around his neck as they continued their journey.6

"Did it hurt?" she sniffed, looking over his shoulder at what they had just walked, and the roses that had deceived her. He smiled, patting her back softly.7

"It was worth every moment."8

The birds sung songs of praise as they flew through the garden. Butterflies danced around, receiving a wonderful smile and laugh from the girl as they landed on her outstretched hands, distracting her from the path they had just walked. She turned her head to gaze more upon the garden and its splendor before looking towards the face of the man carrying her.9

"How is heaven?" she asked as he gently placed her back on her own two feet, holding her hand again as they walked side by side once more.10

"Glorious, Father says he can't wait to hold you in his arms when they time comes for you to join us."11

Her heart seemed to skip a beat as what he just said collected in her mind and sunk into her soul. Her eyes shown with excitement, and she turned her head once more to look at him, stopping to grab both of his hands with her own.12

"I get to come? You really want me there with you?" She was ecstatic, jumping up and down as a little girl would. He smiled and kneeled down once more to meet her eyes. He swung her hands lightly back and forth, then nodded.13

"Of course. There is already a place saved for you."14

Her excitement deepened as she felt herself fling her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly, which he met with his own loving embrace.15

"How do I get there?"16

The man smiled once more and stood, walking towards a split in the cobblestone pathway. He stood on one side and held out his hand to her, beckoning her to come towards him.17

"You just have to follow me."18

She stood and looked at both sides, studying them carefully. One side seemed to be an obvious choice, it was wide and clear, and led down to somewhere, but either way, it seemed safe compared to its counterpart. Suddenly, she noticed many people she had been blind to before, walking in that direction, taking that path. She looked to the other which was narrow, with many things in the way, she briefly saw a single person fighting through the narrow pathway towards a light that she noticed the other did not have.19

Conflicting thoughts ran through her mind, she looked towards the man who had led her all this way, and the path in which he called her to, the narrow. She looked at his outstretched hand then towards the seemingly never-ending flow of people in the other direction. She closed her eyes, unsure, and feeling lost.20

21

Smoke caused her to cough and gasp for breath, clouding her eyes as she opened them to reveal the ceiling to a dark room. She sat up and cringed, holding her head as if it were about to explode at any second.22

"You 'right, baby?"23

Recognition and familiarity soon came to her mind as she looked around the room at the many people lying about, each of them high or in the process of getting their heads in the clouds. Many different drugs, many different types, many different ways, but every person was using.24

"How long have I been out?" She asked, wincing at the nauseous feeling preceeding her sudden movement.She slowly massaged her temples, studying the objects on the table in front of her; all of her addictions seemed to mock her. Her life had become her addictions, a pathetic heap of pills and needles.25

"I don't know," a grungy man opposite of her said, laughing stupidly, "an hour I'd guess." He took a substance from the table, shooting it into his forearm before he stood up and wobbled over to collapse on the couch beside her, letting out a horrible stench in his breath as he got extremely close to her face.26

"You up for 'nother hit, love?"27

She looked at him, then back to her obsessions that were mindlessly dumped and scattered every which way, to which she believed, mirrored her own self. Air seemed to escape from within her, and whenever she attempted to take a breath, it was as if she were inhaling shards of glass; everything in life had so quickly become overwhelmed in a feeling even misery itself could not come close to describing. 28

She closed her eyes tightly, wishing to be in the garden of which she had just dreamt. It had felt so real, she could still smell the beautiful diasies and hear the birds sing, she could still hear the man's voice.29

"Follow me."30

She blinked back tears before opening her eyes to the face of the man beside her. He smiled in his crooked way, lids half drooped over his empty eyes.31

"Take 'nother, love." he persisted, grabbing a nearby pipe, fumbling with his lighter as he stuck it to his lips and inhaled, a massive waterfall of smoke billowing out of his mouth before crumpling over the arm of the couch.32

She stood, staring at the blank, empty souls around her. Tears made their way down her cheeks as she stepped over fainted or sleeping bodies sprawled out across the floor. Her cold, bony fingers tenderly reached out for her oversized jacket before opening the door to leave the place she had called home for months, the place that was slowly killing her.33

The cold wind licked her red cheeks as she walked down the street. Her eyes watched the sidewalk, never looking to meet people in the eyes. Her sense of time was horribly off; she might've been walking for merely minutes, but it felt as if hours had gone by.34

The roads were remarkably quiet as she made her last turn. Taking a deep breath of the chilled air, she unlocked the small, rusted, metal gate in front of her, closing her eyes the moment she stepped in.35


She opened them once more with the sounds of birds singing their praises and the distinguished sweep of the wind caressing the blossoms of the trees. Her eyes met those of the man with the outstretched hand and walked towards him, grasping his hand with her own. With a loving smile, the man placed his hand on her cheek for a moment, before turning with her and leading her down the narrow cobblestone path as the birds sang their songs of praise, and the butterflies danced around, following as they made their journey toward the light that the pathway led to. 36

Author notes

"Horrific tendencies shown to me by a certain squirrel-pigeon have driven me to hide away in the dark of the closet, rocking back and forth, barely breathing."

oh how I love odd contest rules. :]

Have a happy day!

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • heroesliveon
    October 20

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    LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

    I love the imagery here and that you use lessons in the bible as well! When the girl woke up, I was shocked! I'm not sure that the girl actually dies. Correct me if I am wrong, but does the last paragraph not represent the journey of a Christian's life as they travel towards heaven? And I would believe though that it doesn't say, that she enters a church or something right? It's powerfully written and wonderfully done! Great job!

    Janie

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    December 15, 2007
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    The story started out good but throughout, it became a little distorted. I believe your character finally died and she was dreaming of walking with an angel?

    When she left the house, I wasn't sure where she went since that wasn't really clear but in the end it gets summed up.

    It's just that the flow of the story seemed a little confusing.


  • Chaz D. Wolf
    December 3, 2007
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    Excellent, I think the other commenters missed the point. Simply excellent!

    It is the best I have read on this site!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Darkauthor26
    December 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very good. Congratulations on the trophies. When the girl woke up, I was surprised, but in a good way. It took a different direction than I had expected. I also thought it was a nice touch having a whole ton of people going the other way while only one man was going the "right" way.

    However, I do think this could have been expanded on a bit to make it a stronger piece of work. You know, tell us a bit more about her life. Make the choice seem a little harder to make, because breaking habits, particularly an entire life style, aren't that aren't easy

    At the very end, though, did she die? Or was this in her imagination again?

    Anyway, overall this was pretty good. Congratulations!

    beginning: 3, language: 3, dialog: 5.


  • yumesandman
    November 26, 2007

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    I have to say that I could see every minute of this in my head playing out like a movie. It could do with some minor edits, a quick read through for spelling/grammar and a couple of changes with word choice, but it stands well on its own.

    Usually I'm not particularly impressed with Christian things, because they tend to get repetive after a while, but I really liked this one. It was really beautiful.

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Toxic Paradox
    November 23, 2007

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    Very literary style... descriptive, imaginative and beautiful for the most part.

    There were a couple of typos, but nothing serious so I'm not especially concerned by them.

    As it gets to the part with the drugs and needles, it's a shock after the lovely imagery of before, but definitely a good shock. Satisfying.

    Thank you very much for entering my contest, I like this story a lot

    -T.P. xxx


  • Natalie-
    October 27, 2007

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    Bit confusing at first, but in the end she died, I`m thinking she did. Any how thank you for entering.


  • Olinda
    October 19, 2007
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    very good. Wonderful descritpion, good imaging. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!


  • JuliaAlexandrovna
    October 12, 2007

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    Ooh. I love this. Very well done. Vivid pictures came to mind, I always like that. I love the concept above all though. I take it that she died? Spirit just kind of walked out of her body?

    Thanks for entering. Good luck.

    x Julez


  • Bitter Irony
    July 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Starting from the beginning, I have to say that the girl's conversation in the garden seems very, very out of context with her current situation: of all questions to ask, why did she pick the ones she did?

    The "wake-up" moment was well-written, but why didn't you give more details about her current situation? Specifics are always, always best. I understand (in fact, I really hope) you have never been in the situation your main character is in: still, it's your responsibility as a writer to make that situation feel real. What specific kind of drugs are they using? The girl must know. Who are the people lying around her, and what is her relationship with them?

    The last bit is unfortunately vague: your message comes through clear enough, but I would have liked to see a slightly new take on it. Christian magazines are probably flooded with stories of this type--you need a different take and a powerful message to stand out.

    Now, for the technical notes: first and foremost, some free advice. Never use the word "which" in an opening description: it means you're trying to cram too many details into one sentence. What do you mean by "easily visual"? And why say "impure" when "dirty" makes so much more sense?

    This story has plenty of good points--which have been covered in other reviews, and so I'm not going to repeat all of them here :-)--but my verdict for the contest is "not publishable". I like it for its message, as I'm sure many people will, but the plot itself needs to be stronger--"tighter", with no loose or dangling threads.

    Good luck, and thanks for entering the contest!

    ~Bitter Irony

    beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.


  • Hell Boy
    July 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Interesting read.

  • Elegant Inspirer
    July 6, 2007

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    I am so used to reading small experts from planned novels that this one is such a change of pace. I think it is a remarkable story and I just want to copy it and share it with all the people I know. I really like how it says it all there and you don't even try to mask its meaning. I've been hooked on poetry for the last month or so and all the meanings are hidden and its a guess or miss for the meaning. I really really enjoyed your story. I personaly wouldn't change a thing about it. But I am going to ask your permision to share it with others.
    -Elli

  • Grammy
    July 5, 2007

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    This is one of the most beautiful pieces I've read in a long time. I do a lot of critiques on another web site, and would offer a few corrections in mis-used or mis-spelled words, but I'm not acquainted with this site enough yet to know if that is permissable.
    Keep up the good work. You know where you are going on this one. Great job!

    Doris


  • Wait-for-Quiet
    July 4, 2007

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    Absolutely amazing! I loved it. This story was so beautiful in more ways than one. In it's imagery and what it was about. Gaah!! I don't know what else to say!! I wish I had more words. I think I'll bookmark this story, because every once in a while it's good to be reminded. Wonderful, beautiful story. You have a God-given talent. Hope your days are bright.

    MoonNight

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

1 - 14 of 14