Contains mild swearing. Viewer discretion is advised.1
***2
I loved my wife more than I would enjoy taking a whiz after six or seven glasses of water, but apparently my bulging bladder wasn't enough for her.3
My wife and I lived in a tiny one-story home in an old neighborhood, so we only had one bathroom shared amongst the two of us. Naturally it was being used at the precise moment that a waterfall inside me decided to rush my membranous sac. Also, it really didn't help matters that I could hear water running in the bathtub. 4
I sat cross-legged on the couch with agony etched on my skinny face, hoping that my girlish way of sitting would strengthen my platform against urination, but unfortunately for me, there was an opposition party of two that was making my run to the toilet impossible. You see, being the caring husband that I was, I waited patiently for my disloyal wife to end her noisy love affair in the bathroom that connected to our living room. Naturally I was hurt that she spent so much time with her lover instead of me, particularly since I had never seen her express that kind of happiness in my arms, but this time I was actually getting angry about it. You would think she would at least have enough compassion to let me use the potty in my current state after ten years of marriage, but once her and her lover were together, there was no stopping her lust.5
Although I was used to being pushed around, sitting painfully on the couch seemed to wake my dormant sixth sense; the fury of testosterone. In that moment of epiphany, I knew what it meant to be a man, finally answering the Y in the XY of my male DNA. All I had to do to become a man was stand up for myself. It didn't matter that a long time ago, a bully had stolen my lunch money all through high school (who ironically was now my banker, essentially doing the same thing). It was time to put those type of horrible memories aside and be born anew. 6
With determination in my clenched fists, I did what I should have done all along. I stood up like a man. 7
'Uh oh,' I thought, and my hand immediately went to my crotch area. In my hasty ascent to manhood, I had lost all control of my higher functions, which of course had sprung a minor leak in my self-imposed dam. Luckily the sickly feeling of warm urine connecting with soft jogging pants reminded my bladder about its important role in the human body, so I hadn't completely pissed my pants. I had, however, dribbled in them8
"Goddammit," I said angrily, but really I wanted to cry. I was a grown man with a soft spot on my ruined joggers, and all I wanted was a hug from my wife to make me feel better. That, or a box of Huggies. 9
Now that I had literally and figuratively reached my breaking point, I really didn't have much time to fool around, because I was quickly learning that once a little dribble of pee had made its way to the surface, the rest of it fought harder for its freedom as well. Therefore I stormed to the red bathroom door like a raging bull (the door was actually pink, because my wife had made all the decoration choices, but for the sake of my manhood we'll call it red). 10
I may have looked silly squat-walking in my charge, but a man had to do what a man had to do. When I reached the door, I knocked on it just once. 11
Now you might have thought I almost knocked the wooden barrier down with that one rap. Clearly, if peeing your pants and listening to your wife pant loudly in the steamy bathroom wasn't enough symbolic spinach to turn any man into Popeye the Sailor Man, then what could possibly make me unhinge a door? Well, I had been quite surprised myself when I had just finished with the most civilized and quiet knock in the history of mankind. Why, if I had been a girl guide scout selling yummy cookies to neighbors, none of them would ever have heard my pathetic knocks at their doors, so they would have missed out on my scrumptious and minty treats. 12
Good thing I was a man and not a little girl.13
"Honey, are you almost done in there? I really need to wee," I said in my sweetest voice. I couldn't let her know I was pissed in every sense of the word, our relationship was already on the rocks. 14
"A few more minutes," she yelled, her voice dripping with concentrated passion. 15
"But I really need the bathroom, it's an emergency," I said again, hoping the desperation in my voice would change her mind.16
"Hold on!" she yelled in between her heavy breaths. I could feel the steam of the room releasing through the crack of the doorway and entering the holes in my socks. 17
"Fine..." I said like the defeated man I was. 'Be with your lover for all I care,' I whispered, but out of her earshot of course.18
I then debated going outside and having a pee, because there had to have been a point in human existence when there simply had been no toilets, sewers, and all the other jazz that made up a successful flush of bodily waste. Obviously these prehistoric humans had relied only on nature to do their bidding in, so if they could do it, I could do it. There was a nice forest behind my house, in fact.19
However, my memory of a newspaper story from the previous week entered my mind. I had read about a wild raccoon with rabies who had bitten a child in a nearby town, so there was no guarantee that the same raccoon hadn't run all the way here. It wouldn't surprise me if he was currently hanging outside my home, waiting for me to pull down my pants and offer an easy target. 20
'Hell no, raccoon,' I thought, and thus my plan of watering the wildlife was foiled. 21
I leaned up painfully against the door, allowing my legs to cross again. As a way to justify my fear of action, I blamed it all on love. If I had to prove myself to my wife by enduring the most excruciating bladder pain of my life, then I would do it. Maybe when she finally opened the door and found me quivering on the floor, she would realize that I would do anything for her and love me like she had a long time ago.22
It was wishful thinking.23
I might have passed out from misery after that, I'm not quite sure. Either way, my eyes opened wide when I heard feet shuffling from inside the bathroom. With a quick glance to my pants, I was relieved that I hadn't wet myself any further during my recent blackout. However, in anticipation of the door opening, I almost had full release right there and then. 24
Holding on by a mere thread, I knew that the door handle would begin to turn any second now. It was my date with destiny, and I wished I had a dozen roses for the occasion. I would give eleven of them to my wife, but the toilet would certainly get one of them25
Any second now.26
A couple cupboards inside the bathroom were slammed shut. She was just finishing up. 27
'Oh for the love of God, hurry up.'28
That was when I heard the blow dryer turn on. With a loud whimper, I pulled the apparently unlocked bathroom door wide open in blind anguish and caught my wife in the act with her lover.29
"What the hell, Steve!" she screamed, pointing the hair dryer at me like a gun. She was completely naked with her long brown hair falling over her perky breasts, and the lover she spent so much time with was showing me the curves of her back and rump. I could have sworn I had interrupted a private moment of my wife swooning in front of her precious mirror, her cheeks rosy red from all the steam circulating the room. It was almost embarrassing standing there like a deer in headlights with pee on my pants (luckily she was glaring at my eyes) and panting like a wounded dog from the damp air, but there was no time to worry about such things with the surge coming.30
"I'm so sorry," I managed to say, and my attention turned to the most glorious invention in all of humanity. I rushed over to the potty, my pants seemingly falling to my ankles in the process.31
"You idiot," she yelled, slamming her hair dryer on the counter before the mirror. "You better make this fast...I still have to shave my legs while the water is hot. I better not miss my show later.32
"I love you," I called out to my wife as I lifted the toilet seat to a man's setting. 33
No response from her. Instead, she stormed out of the room with her nightgown in her hand and slammed the door shut, but I didn't think she was really that mad. She had missed many of her shows because of her radiant reflection before, so she couldn't possibly blame me for a quick interruption. 34
"And put the toilet seat down for once," she yelled through the closed door.35
"Will do, honey."36
Finally the moment I had been waiting for, and I was only a half second too late. Just as I was about ready to take the best piss ever, it came out in a blast. At first I was hitting the side of the toilet seat a little bit, mainly because I had lost all control of my bladder in front of the alluring toilet, but I quickly corrected my aim to the center of the yellowing pool. I closed my eyes and let out a huge sigh of relief, attributing it to the second greatest pleasure I ever had. The first had obviously been the day I married my wife, but this was a time where second place wasn't the first loser.37
I must have gone on peeing for fifteen more seconds before I finally opened my eyes. I still had a steady stream going, and the satisfaction, although still great, wasn't as amazing as the initial pleasure. I figured I'd still be there for a while, so I looked around the bathroom in boredom until my eyes landed on the one thing that commanded more attention from my wife that I did; her bathroom mirror. The damn thing even had some stream proof surface that my wife had bought using my money. Although I had a large smile on my face as my bladder emptied, I had a sudden urge to pummel the mirror with my fist. It was pretty disheartening that my wife would choose it over me any day of the week, but being violently jealous over a mirror was silly, even for me. Besides, at least it wasn't a vibrator or something. Therefore, I determined it was a more suitable plan to reason with the mirror instead, because delusional behavior was acceptable in your own personal reflection. It was like the code of mirrors or some shit.38
"Think you could fog up once in a while so my wife will give me some attention," I asked the steam-proof mirror politely, and then winked stupidly.39
My reflection in the mirror tried to get fresh with me and winked back. 40
"Sorry mirror, my heart belongs to another. I'm afraid your attempts to flirt with me won't work, so stop it," I said truthfully. The last thing I needed was a love triangle between my wife, the mirror and myself. It was hard enough as it was.41
Alas, I finished my business, flushed the toilet, cleaned my bad aim off the sides, and hurried out of the room to appease my wife. Although she didn't hug me when I opened the door, nor acknowledge me in any way as she rushed to be with her lover again, I knew I would someday win her undying affection.42
In fact, that day might have arrived, because she hadn't been in the bathroom more than half a minute before she opened the door to speak with me. Maybe she would finally divulge her love again like she had in the early days of our marriage. 43
"I told you to put the fuckin' toilet seat down!"44
***
Author notes
Finally got my humor muse back, although it might be a little vulgar for some *smile*
A contest entry
- Bored.... by Shiny.
175 points, ended July 17, 2007, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sides in a Story... by the wonder girl.
450 points, ended August 9, 2007, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Humour - Weird - Fun by Asfand.
135 points, ended July 20, 2007, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me laugh! by Unpredictable Lover.
350 points, ended September 3, 2007, 21 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - LETS LAUGH! (Put your sense of humor on display) by Angie91.
145 points, ended August 13, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - SW Oscars - Best Humor Story - Invite Only! by Asfand.
125 points, ended September 10, 2007, 5 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Most Original Contest Idea Ever. [Okay, Maybe Not, But Enter Anyway.] by miles of smiles.
875 points, ended November 25, 2007, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I laugh, you laugh, everybody laughs by deepak-maini.
175 points, ended December 12, 2007, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Good
I enjoyed reading it. There was too much of telling than showing, though telling didn't hamper the pace of the story or the interest. I liked the humor part, too. It's not laugh out loud humor, but it's more in tune with the gentle, wry humor. It's the best story in the contest so far. You did a good job.
Good luck. -
HAHAHA!
LOVE the end! It sounds like my mom and dad! I love the part when he's desperate to get into the bathroom! Hehe, great job! Really hilarious!
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.... :]
BAHAHHAHHHAHAA.
You are an insane genius with a strange mind that I love now.
Why, if I had been a girl guide scout selling yummy cookies to neighbors, none of them would ever have heard my pathetic knocks at their doors, so they would have missed out on my scrumptious and minty treats.
Good thing I was a man and not a little girl.
I think that might have been my favorite part . This story was freaking hilarious, and I'm sure I've read it before- just not commented, and I'm glad I now have an excuse to read it again. And again.
Because I love it. It's funny. And it makes me laugh. So, I love it.
Great job.
♥sarah!
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I like how such a silly plot is taken so seriously. Okay and one thing seems weird, though. They've been married for ten years and the woman is still freaked out when her husband sees her nude? Oh, yeah what love they have. And if she loved herself why in the first place did she get married at all? Anyhow, great job!
*Frozen Angel* -
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She could freak out for a lot of reasons. Not every long term couple is still comfortable around the other. Sometimes people live together and don't have any feelings left for one another, they just don't separate for the financial reasons/fear of change etc. Since this woman is loving her reflection most seriously in front of the mirror, she is embarrassed that he walks in unexpected. If she still loved him or was attracted to him, she maybe wouldn't have that stark reaction.
Also, people who love themselves often still get married to others, just whatever spark this couple once had is now gone, and a pathetic man is all that is left, willing to be the focus of her attention... jealous that she spends more time in front of the mirror than with him.
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I had read this before when it was first nominated, but my pc crashed so I was unable to comment. But, now that I'm one of the judges I have a chance to (Yay!) lol.
I thought it was great how the man goes for being weak to strong manliness...and then back again (and yet back again, lol).
I was kinda lost as to who her "lover" was until the end, but that didn't take away from the humor here. And then the ending was just...great!
Good luck in the contest! -
WOW!
WOW! With all that evil stuffed within her , you managed to spend with her ten years of your life . You stood up like a man! (in paragraph five) Man! I found this line too funny , after having pictured him as a failure husband , who couldn't keep his wife in control (he should have been THE WIFE instead . HAHA!) I loved your sense of humour . You can entertain serious people in a group conversation , which is the best thing I can think of doing when I feel that they are trying to appear too sophiticated or disciplined with that robotic (never changing) expression on their face . This man seemed rather dead to me with your description of his character (a humorous dead guy! HAHA!) I should have pitied him if he didn't make me laugh . Too good!
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Lol!!! That was hilarious!!! I had a nice laugh. Very good job on this! I don't know what to say! I enjoyed reading it! Good job and good luck in the contest ^.^
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lovely humor story. I laughed so much. thanks for entering.
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Must have forgotten to appluade this before! x.x
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and if you want to keep me nice continue saying hi
. and dont be a stranger on msn its not nice. hehe - vanity. no more parts in comments this is the last one lol.
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but the way you typed it could have been the way you intended the situation to be dramatized. but nonetheless this prompt was extremely excellent go to part 4
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it was a bit confusing for me up until the ending that the wifes other lover was the mirror. i could say that you should clarify that the third lover is the mirror go to pt 3
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well apparently i have to type this in sections. well i laughed so hard when i read this. i loved it. read pt 2 of my comment to see the rest
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lalala type real comment in a minute
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The wife sort of reminds me of myself.. >_> her love for a mirror, anyway, hahahaha!!! I'm glad you got your muse back!
this IS a pleasant "welcome your muse back" story!your wit is just mindblowing ^_^ haha, I was pitying this man and then laughing because of some funny stuff you wrote 
popeye, lmao! the breaking point.. haha! there was a funny bit in almost every paragraph, I think
Did you mean for the peeing to symbolize something? I got the impression that it did, though, I might be reading too much into this ^_^
I love the twist! and the ending!!! Wow, at first, I was like "who would be callous enough to bring home a lover while the husband is in the house??? this woman is a beeeyatch" I love how you misled us haha, usually, love triangles are full of bitterment and resentment, and I love how you made this story like a mindgame of sorts It got me thinking though, that relationships CAN be ruined by factors other than people
Thanks so much for making this I greatly enjoyed reading! Good luck with the contest
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Tee hee. That was vulgarly halarious! I nearly fell off my damn chair! I congratualte you on your re-finding of your humour muse, and thank it as well. Funniest damn thing I've read tonight so far, so thanks. I hope to read more from you, especially if they're all that funny
Love Shiny -
Wow! I liked the way you told the story so as to get me grinning and giggling like a twitterpated school girl through the entire thing. Well done!
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LOL. This is really funny. It kept me laughing the whole way through. I don't now what else to say about it but keep it up!
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Good story and a good humor! I enjoyed reading it and it made me laugh. Very fun I loved it!
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^_- Great job! An interesting story. Good humor in it too. Great job again!
~Erin -
lmfao
You managed to make a comical story about a guy having to go potty & a love triangle all in one story. That's some skill you got there, dude. gj
. Rewarded 4
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captured
I like love triangle stories and ur's cptured me lovely dude whoaaaa -
finally answering the Y in the XY of my male DNA.
Niiiice.
My reflection in the mirror tried to get fresh with me and winked back.
"Sorry mirror, my heart belongs to another. I'm afraid your attempts to flirt with me won't work, so stop it," I said truthfully. The last thing I needed was a love triangle between my wife, the mirror and myself. It was hard enough as it was.
...?
Oh. My. God.
You're an idiot, you know that?
In a terrific way.
That was such a...you story.
I laughed the entire time.
You're an idiot.
xoxo
your lil sis
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I don't think anyone has ever called me an idiot in a terrific way, lmao.
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FAFLMAO! (falls on floor laughing my a** off!) I seriously laughed aloud and I had a wide smile spread across my face throughout the entire story. I have sympathy with the poor dude, you described it so good that I have to go to the loo now! *flushes* Really great piece, three cheers for your muse!
P.S. Loved the twist at the end
♥NewGuy90
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Lmfao "I told you to put the fuckin' toilet seat down!" lol good story bro,you got your humor back lol write more humorous stuff,it puts me in a good mood lol
-Bro -
Yay!!! The muse is back, the muse is back!
Absolutely funny and so true.
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This was wonderful!! Such a funny twist to the story! It made me laugh out loud, I feel sorry for the poor bloke! LOL
The monologue throughout was amazingly well written. This piece had a great flow and use of language throughout. I loved the character you created for the reader. Wonderful piece, really great!
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I totally thought she was going to be using a vibrator, though most guys I have meet seem to find it sexy if their girlfriends tell them they mastibate. Oh well. Fun stuff.
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