The long, monotonous shrieking pierced my ear drums. I knew that sound. I knew what that meant. I clasped my hands over my ears, making a barrier against the screaming. But it penetrated my barrier as if it hadn't been any thicker than paper. Please, I pleaded to God, make it stop. If it stops it will be ok.
Then, this doctor was standing in front of me suddenly. Despair filled my body. I knew what had happened, the doctor didn't have to say a word. My own screaming then mixed with the steady, piercing noise.
“Daddy! Daddy!” My lungs pushed the words out with all their might, “No! I need…Daddy!” I got up and ran to him. I ran and ran, but he was already gone.
The screaming subsided and everything went silent.
“Tory! Tory, it’s ok wake up,” A soothing, calm voice disrupted my sleep and brought me back to consciousness. I was sweating and panting like I’d just sprinted a mile. My brother, Jessie, was holding me tight. His eyes were as round as dinner plates and looked so scared and worried that they brought the realization to me.
A dream, a nightmare; the one I have most frequently now had haunted me again tonight. I started to calm down. My heart fell back into its regular rhythm and my breathing went back to normal. Jessie was still holding me like a newborn baby.
“Jess, it’s ok. I’m fine now,” I said and I pushed him away.
“You sure? I could stay with you till you fall back asleep if you wanted.” His features were so full of concern for me. He made me feel so guilty for making him hurt and making him worry.
“I’m not a baby. I had to grow up. I don’t need you or mom even to make me feel strong. I am strong.” As I said this I couldn’t help but think of the time when I had felt the exact opposite of strong. The time when I felt so alone, so weak, that I could barely wake up in the morning and take care of my brothers. The time in the aftermath of my dad’s death.
Author notes
This is the Prologue to another stoy i'm writing. It's super short, but i hope that's ok. If anyone's interested at all in hearing more of this story than let me know and i'll start posting the chapters!
A contest entry
- Options Inside by Taylor Renee.
500 points, ended September 16, 2007, 59 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - First Page Contest by yoshi97.
600 points, ended August 14, 2007, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Good, good, good.
Lots of raw emotion and thats always good. Yes, very good.
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this is an intriguing piece and leaves me wanting to know what happens next. well written.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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WOW
this is really neat. good job. you are talented. keep it up!
Evalyn -
Here is the full review I promised.
Your beginning is EXTREMELY grabbing. I loved it! This was the line that seperated your story into first place in my contest.
To be able to read this first line and walk away - well - I couldn't have done it. VERY well written first sentence!
Here's some fixes I might recommend:
Then, this doctor was standing in front of [me suddenly. Despair filled my body] --> Then, this doctor was standing in front of me. Suddenly, despair filled my body
I knew what had happened, the doctor didn't [have to say a word.] --> I knew what had happened. The doctor didn't have to say a word.
[“Tory! Tory, it’s ok wake up,” A soothing, calm voice disrupted my sleep and brought me back to consciousness.] --> No needto change this, just wanted to let you know this was a great transition, abruptly letting the reader know the unexpected can occur at any time, and this story would be anything but predictabe and dull
[A dream, a nightmare; the one I have most frequently now had haunted me again tonight.] --> A dream, a nightmare; the one I have most frequently, had haunted me again tonight.
[“Jess, it’s ok. I’m fine now,” I said and I pushed him away.] --> “Jess, it’s ok. I’m fine now,” I said, and I pushed him away.
[“I’m not a baby. I had to grow up. I don’t need you or mom even to make me feel strong.] --> “I’m not a baby. I don’t need you, or even mom, to make me feel strong.
[As I said this, I couldn’t help but think of the time when I had felt the exact opposite of strong.] --> As I said this I couldn’t help but think of the time when I had felt the exact opposite.
[The time in the aftermath of my dad’s death.] --> The time in the aftermath of my father’s death. (I'll explain below)
When you speak of your parents, the rules are kinda quirky. When you want to create a loving closeness to the male relative, you should speak of him as father. When you want distance, you should use dad. However, it is not so clear-cut with the female parent. Either term works in either situation - mom or mother. Not sure where this unwritten rle came to be. Howevr, I always use mother and father when it is ties with emotion, and mom and dad when it is not. I'm ot sure why it makes a difference, but it definitely does when you read it - exchanging the terms for effect.
An excellent start for a story, and I endear you to write more. I'm lso not so sure this should be a prologue, as this is strong enough to be chapter one, provided the next actions do not occur many years in the future.
Your start here is very strong, and compromises of the first two pages of a novel. As such, you got the editor to page three, where he is likely to turn to the end and see if it appears to be a good ending, then if satisfied, he will put it on top of his reading pile, and classify it an A submission.
From here, look for ways to dodge the reader's instincts of what should happen next, while adding in forshadows and logical reasons for the road to veer in unexpected directions.
The worst thing a novel can do is be predictable. The second worst thing it can do is try not to be predictable, and instead become unplausible or forced. Balance the two notions, keep writing in the style yu have been, introduce rising and falling action, where each rise is a little bit further above the last, and you will have the workings of a great novel.
Great work! Oh, and good luck with this story!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow! thanks so so so much for the awesome help! god knows i need all the help i can get.your so awesome! i really appreciate you taking to time to write this review. thank you so very much!
--Greeneyes
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Thank you for entering my contest!
This story has a very strong beginning, and is very much along the lines of what an editor would be looking for on a first page. I won't call it the winner yet, as I still have many to read, but I will say this is quite good, indeed!
Again, thank you for your entry, and good luck! -
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Thank you so much for your comment! much appreciated!
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VERY interested in the story. Needs a little work though.
Now, the first paragraph had two repeated words in it, now this isn't a bad thing... it's just that I feel it takes away from the story rather than adds to it. (the words "screaming" and "barrier") If you could find some different words to use such as "shrieking" or "barricade", I think it would sound better (or look better, lol).
Other than that, the only thing that stood out to me was the second paragraph. I found it used too many short sentences.
Otherwise, I really liked this story and am looking forward to reading the rest.
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it starts off on a very interesting pace and got me hooked in
lets just see if the rest can do it!
good job
beginning: 4, language: 1, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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a good start
Hi, liked the start of this story, needs a little tweaking. I think also when it comes to speach and there is a tag after---example--"My name is Beth." Beth said should be
"My name is Beth," Beth said. A comma, not a full stop.
The screaming subsided and everything went deaf.(i don't think the ord deaf works here, maybe silent would work better.)
“Tory! Tory, it’s ok wake up.” A soothing, calm voice disrupted my sleep and brought me back to the wake world.(wake world, think this needs rewording)
sarahhitch
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thank You!
Thanks for reading /commenting! i love it when people correct my grammar and stuff because i can never catch that stuff on my own, so thanks!!
--Greeneyes
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i love it love it love it!
i just have to read the rest of this story!!u are my first favorite on this site!! -
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Wow! umm...thank you for your commment. I'm still working on the first chapter, but i'm sure it'll be up soon!
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