Prologue
It is the Year Three thousand on the Planet of Auroa 7, and for thousands of years the planet had been locked in an era of Darkness, which is also known as the era of Chaos, but now the tide of darkness is beginning to weaken as the forces of good begin to gain strength as they begin to bring the planet that has been long shrouded in darkness into light.
Chapter 1: The Start of the Revolution of Light
A pair of merchants were coming home from a grueling day of work.
"We can stop here and rest for a bit” said the older Merchant (98)
"Ok gramps" said the other merchant (21)
Both of the merchant were hard working, but the tight grip of the government made them work extremely hard just to make a living. As the two merchants beginning to leave and head home, a group of law enforcers appeared. For the merchants and the rest of the hard working people of the Auroa 7, law enforcers were a sign of bad luck, since they enforced the ways of the corrupted government.
"Hand over the money old man" said one of the law enforcers spotting the bulging money sack.
"I already paid you my taxes yesterday” said the Older Merchant.
The law enforcer hit the old man with a punch to the stomach. The older merchant fell to the ground, dead. The other merchant was looking down, with his fist clinched, and tears of rage running down his face.
"What? You going to do something about it, I doubt it” said one of the law enforcers pushing the merchant.
The merchant threw a punch that looked like a blur to the law enforcers. Before the law enforcers knew what happen they were both on the ground, stripped of all the weapons and the money that they had took today from other unlucky merchants. The merchant was no were in sight when they came to it.
Meanwhile the merchant was at home safe, behind lock doors of his house, after burying the body of his grandfather. As he entered the house a little girl came up and hugs him
“Dad, where Gramps” asked a little Girl
“He’s…..dead, those corrupted law enforcers killed him” replied the Merchant.
“NO!!!!” said the little girl running upstairs.
The merchant went over to the fire place, and picked a picture. The picture showed a slightly younger version of the merchant in there with him, and his wife, and the little girl when she was a baby, and his grandfather.
“I lost Diana (the merchants wife) now I lost Gramps, is Angel(the Little Girl) next “asked The Merchant to himself
“Leon get a hold of yourself, you must be strong and standup for what you think is right” said the merchant to himself
Leon full name is Leon Star Light. He is of an elf and human descent. Leon was a master at wielding a sword, and archery. Leon also was a fire move expert.
Leon went over to a closet chained shut, and picked up a sledge hammer and smashed the lock sealing the door shut into thousands of little pieces of steel. Leon opened the wooden door and pulled a box wrapped in a silver cloth. Leon slowly unwrapped the box and pulled out twin blades, one had a moon made from a sapphire moon encrusted in it and the other had a symbol of the Sun encrusted with rubies on it. These sword were once used to ensure the triumph for the side of darkness thousand of years ago when it seemed that the dark side was the side of good, but now they will be the key to sealing the demise of the darkness.
Leon dressed for battle, in a suit of titanium armor that was of his own design. Leon went upstairs to fetch Angel. Leon found Angel on the bed crying. Leon pulled Angel’s Dark Black hair away from her face and wiped the tears off her face.
“Angel, darling, I will have to leave you in the care of Mrs. Nova next door.” said Leon
“why?’ whined Angel
“I have to go and seek some out friend, and it is to dangerous to bring you along” replied Leon
Leon dropped Angel off at Mrs. Nova’s, and gave Mrs. Nova 5,000 Gold pieces to take care of Angel while he was gone. Leon headed of in search for 2 of his friends that had been exiled for challenging the government. His two friends had wielded the other two weapons that had been used along side his blade of light that had helped the dark government succeed in their take over thousands of years ago.
He would have seek out Ace who wielded the Axe of Justice, and Jessica who wielded the bow of righteousness. Leon did not know where either of them was, but he knew where they would most likely be found. He knew that if he found one of them he would find the other.
The journey finding them will be full of dangerous beyond what Leon could ever imagine. His life would be threaten with every fleeting minute.
Chapter 2: Off to a Rough start
Leon had only been traveling for a few minutes when he ran into a nuisance. A group of normally timid Triougars decided that Leon was food for them.
Triougars are related to cougars but they have three head instead of one. Triougars usually avoid human contact, but this group of 5 triougars must have developed a taste for human flesh.
The triougars charged out of the forest and went directly for Leon. Leon barley manages to dodge four of them, but the fifth one hit him squarely in his face leaving three large gashes on his face. Leon counters this attack by drawing his twin blades. The handle of one of the twin blades rammed in the triougar who had cut his face directly in the stomach. The triougar feel to the ground with a thump, the tricougar was dead. The triougar that Leon had taken down was the pack leader. The remaining triougars tried to flee.
I don’t think so” said Leon sliding the swords against each other in the middle of each other, igniting both swords.
“Ultimate flame technique, Twin blade Inferno rage” said Leon causing the flames on the blades to grow a bright blue
The swords sent a surge of power to Leon’s legs, allowing Leon to do a lighting fast blitz at the fleeing triougars. Suddenly there was a blinding array of light. When the light had dimmed away, only ashes remained in the spot where the fleeing triougars had stood before the fire blitz.
Leon carved up the pelt of the leader triougar, and made it into a carrying pack, and stored some of the triougar meat into it. Leon then applied a strange gold liquid from a bottle to his wounds, which created layers of what appeared to be gold skin over the gashes.
Leon continued on his way along his path. Several more groups of triougars attacked him that day; they were drawn by the smell of the meat Leon carried. Leon repealed each of these ambushes, and by night time Leon was exhausted. Leon placed the meat 50ft tall by 100ft thick tree, and set up a platform in a nearby tree for him to sleep on a few trees away from where he hung the meat. During the night Leon was woke up by a bone chilling howl which sent chills along his spin. Leon woke to spotted under the tree were he had put the meat up in, 5 Grims stood under it tearing away at the 100ft thick tree like it was nothing.
Grims are gigantic wolves that stand 5ft at their shoulders. The claws of the Grims are sharp enough to slice through armor like it was paper. If a slash from a Grims’s claws doesn’t kill you instantly, the poison in the tips of it claws will kill you with in a half a minute. To make things worse the jaws of a Grims could put 20tons of pressure per square inch. The Grims strength made a group of 5 Grims able to destroy a well equipped armada of 500,000.
Leon froze at the sight of the deadly Grims. Suddenly Leon let out a sneeze and the Grims attention were turned to Leon. The Grims begin going after Leon. The Grims tore away at the tree Leon was up like nothing. The Grims preferred live prey over caron.
“Inferno fire spin” said Leon throwing his Twin blades in a spinning motion.
The blades ignited as they got close to the ground. The Grim ignored them since they were to busy after Leon, and for the fact they fear nothing. Leon closed the energy visor on his armor as the twin blades flames begin glow blue.
“Inferno blast” said Leon snapping his fingers as the twin blades were mere feet away from the ground.
The twin blades released the energy that the first attack had obtained while spinning, during there descent. Blue flames shoot up into the air around the Grims, incinerating them in a few seconds. The flames quickly died down. Leon’s armor had protected him from the heat of the flames. Leon lifted up his energy visor. The only spot damaged by the fire was the spots were the Grims had stood.
“It doesn’t look like I gone to get any more sleep” said Leon climbing down the tree knowing the battle would attract many more dangerous creatures here.
Leon took his pouch down from the nearby tree, and continued on his way at 1a.m at night.
Leon was very tired yet he knew if he had went back to sleep he might find himself in danger again, or he might not wake up at all. As Leon continued on his way he picked up a grim claw that had managed not to be turned into ashes by the fire, knowing the poison it continued may be useful if he got in a sticky situation. Leon soon came to an opening in the forest with a crystal clear lake in the middle of it. Leon sat on the lake shore and washed his face with the lakes sparkling water. By now Leon was begun to doubt that he was capable of succeeding, when something caught Leon’s attention on the other side of the river. A huge group of silver water dragons swayed on the lake surface.
Water dragons are among the most peaceful race of dragons on the planet. Water Dragons are either Silver or Sapphire, and stood only 6ft long and 3ft at their shoulder. The water dragons are so rare, that it is a sign of good fortune to see one.
As Leon watched the dragons as the moon jewel on the Moon blade turned a bright blue. Leon thought that this sighting must be a sign of good fortune. Leon weariness disappeared after watching the water dragons for a few minutes. Leon sneaked by so he wouldn’t disturb the water dragons as they dance on the water surface.
Chapter 3: Down into the Valley of Death
A few hours after the encounter with the fearsome Grims, and the sighting of the peaceful water dragons he came to a 2 mile deep and 10 miles wide valley, know as the valley of Death.
The Valley of Death was on of the most dangerous place on the planet. Not even the dark empire army would tread through it. The Valley of Death was filled with all sorts of wicked undead creatures, and it was crawling with Grims. Millions of travelers have accidentally gone into the valley and none had come out alive.
“If I know Ace, I find him in the most dangerous place around.” Said Leon as he headed into the Valley of Death
Leon made his way into the most horrifying place he probably will ever be in. Thousands of Skull vultures nest lined the valley walls. Leon cringed as the Skull vultures begin to make an ear piercing shrieking when they saw Leon heading down into the valley. Two of the gigantic skull vultures flew down and begin assaulting Leon.
Skull vultures are like ordinary vultures except their heads are nothing but skulls, and they have 20ft+ wingspans. The Skull vultures will also kill things for themselves if carrion was nowhere to be found.
Leon quickly drew his blades a few moments before the Vultures had gotten near him anticipating the vultures attacking him. One of the vultures grabbed him on his shoulders and tried to fly off with him, but his armor made it two hard for the vulture to carry Leon off. Leon swung his sword taking off one of the vulture’s foot. The other vulture had lunged into Leon’s armor. A huge crack being to form in the center of Leon’s armor as the vulture’s steel hard head hit the armor squarely at 100mph. The crack begins getting wider with every passing second. Leon knowing that if he didn’t defeat the vultures soon, they would have the advantage when the armor cracked completely and fell off swung his swords with tremendous force ate the skull vultures. The sword tore through the vultures like a hot knife to butter. The vultures fell to the ground dead. Leon was putting his swords back in their sheaths when on of the nearby vultures swooped at him and took his pack with his food supplies in it.
“Today is your lucky day” shouted Leon at the vulture as it flew out of his sight.
Leon knew it was hopeless getting his food back from the vulture due to the narrow space he had to move on. Luckily for Leon he did not keep all of his food in one place. Inside his tool pack he kept 1 day worth of food and water. Leon used the heat from his swords to weld the armor crack, so it was almost like new. After Leon had repaired the armor he continued down the valley cliffs. As the sun came up Leon had reached the bottom of the valley.
“At least it light now” said Leon to himself as he saw the bones scattered across a barren ground with a few died trees.
Leon stepped carefully not to stepped on any of the bones incases one pile of them were undead warriors waiting to attack him. Leon has only managed to cover less than half the valleys by nightfall. Leon made his camp inside a small cave 10 ft off the ground. Leon slept uncomfortable in the cave all night. Leon used the remainder of his food up during breakfast and had only a quart of water left.
“I better find Ace soon or I may become a part of this valley soon” thought Leon to himself as he climbed out of the cave.
As Leon continued his search he noticed that some of the bones that were on the ground were in different areas then they had been last night. After a few minutes of searching Leon stumbled into two Black Knights.
Black knights are the government top class warriors that they use to snuff out all hope of winning against them. Leon drew his blades. The weapons that the two knights wielded caught his attention. The weapons were the Axe of Justice, and the Bow of Righteousness.
“Surrender now and maybe we let you live” said one of the Black Knights
“I will never surrender to the likes of you” replied Leon
“Don’t be foolish like you friends, join us and live under the glory of the Dark Empire” said the other Black Knight
Leon’s heart sunk when he heard that. Now he knows why these creeps have his friends’ weapons. They had killed both Ace and Jessica.
“I rather die then join the likes of you” replied Leon charging the knights. The knight with Jessica’s bow fired an earth based arrow at Leon, as Leon begin to ignite on of his fire attacks. As the arrow hit Leon it snuffed out Leon’s ability to manipulate fire. This put Leon into a great disadvantage. Leon weapon was a fire base weapon, while the two weapons that the knights wielded where of superior elements to his. The bow used an Earth based element which could neutralize his fire ability for a few hours, and the axe used the element of water which can neutralize his fire ability for months and maybe even years.
“ I guess I have to due this the hard way” said Leon continuing his charge
Leon swords swung at the knights ten times but each time the blades only made contact with the ground.
‘”you were foolish in trying to defeat us, especially with out the aid of your element’ Said one of the knights swing at Leon
The Axe sliced into the arm part of Leon’s armor
“Any last words” asked the one knight
“Yeah, thanks for me helping defeat you” said Leon as a drop of blood dripped out the small cut the axe had made on his arm.
As the drop of blood hit the ground it begins to shake.
“What in the world” said one of the knights looking down at the ground spider carved into the ground?
“He wasn’t among for us, he just made it look like he was” said the other Knight
The one knight was right. What had appeared to be Leon missing his mark was actually right on target. The carving of the spider was a summoning seal.
“Webster it is time to fight” said Leon
At that world the ground begin to rise. The two knights stumbled back in surprise. They both had thought this battle would be easy. Leon was soon on top of a 10ft giant spider
“It been so long since I have been called forth to fight” said Webster.
At the sight of Webster the two Knights begin to flee.
“Don’t let them escape, those two had killed Ace, and Jessica” said Leon
“They did what” said Webster in anger
Webster was Ace and Jessica’s pet spider. Webster shot a ball of lighting toward the two fleeing knights. After the lighting cleared two empty suits of armor fell to the ground. Webster sunk back into the ground after the battle was over. Leon went over to the two empty suits of armor. Leon picked up the weapons of his fallen comrades, and headed out of the valley. As soon as Leon got out of the valley he took off his broken armor. The right sleeve of the white t-shirt was stained red from the blood from the cut that the axe had dealt to him. The skin around the cut was purple which was probably because the axe had been dipped into poison.
Chapter 4: The search for a new team
“There should be a bush around here some where” said Leon. Look around for a spike berry bush knowing that they were common around the Valley of Death. Leon quickly located one under a nearby tree. Leon carefully picked one of the spiked berries of the bush. Leon slowly put the needle like spikes of the berry into his wound. As soon as the needles touched his wound they sunk into his skin and the spike berry begin to grow. Leon’s face begin turning red. The spike berry had an ability to extract poison out of someone system but the process was excruciating. After a few minutes the spike berry dropped off after it had sucked out all of the poison. Leon soon drifted off to sleep. Leo slept peacefully through the night undisturbed. Leon woke up the next morning by his stomach growling. When Leon woke up the next morning he looked up into the tree and saw a phoenix star up in the tree.
A phoenix star was a rare star shape berry that had healing attributes, and was rich in calories, 31,000 in fact. Leon reached up in the low branches of the tree and pulled down a handful of phoenix stars. Leon felt much better after eating one. The cut on his arm was covered with a new layer of skin.
“This is much better” said Leon relaxing against the tree.
Leon begins wondering if he could win now, since Ace and Jessica are gone. Leon figure that he will have to take two willing people under him and train them to use the Ace’s and Jessica’s weapons.
“Were is the closes city” wonder Leon
Leon pulled out his map from his backpack. He pointed to were he was and searched for a nearby city. His eyes came to a stop over the only city on the planet not ruled by the Dark Empire. The city was called Neo Atlanta, was owned by what Leon called a strange bunch of people. Neo Atlanta belonged to the distant Earth Federation.
“I’m pretty sure I can find people willing to help me here” said Leon to himself
Leon packed up his bag and headed toward Neo Atlanta. Leon soon arrived at Neo Atlanta; Leon was amazed by the tall buildings. Leon cringed every time a car came by him on the road. The streets were bustling with thousand of people. Leon got caught up in a crowd and soon found himself in a casino. Leon reached into his pocket and pulled out five gold coins.
“I kind of short on money, maybe I can increase my funds here” said Leon to himself sitting down at a slot machine. In 5 minutes Leon luck was extremely good and he had won nearly 500,000 gold coins. Leon stopped when he saw everybody heading to a separate room that read arena. Leon followed the crowd into the arena. Inside the arena Leon saw two huge dragoons in the center of the arena.
“Are there any challengers brave enough to fight the 100 time undefeated tag battle champs?” said the announcer
An 18 year old human male stepped out into the ring. The Man stood at 8ft tall, and he had dark black hair and bright blue eyes, and weighted in about 400 pounds which most of his weight was muscle. The chances for him winning against just one of the 500 pound dragoons were slim since a dragoon was as strong as 500 men.
“He such a fool” thought Leon not able to just sit back and watch the human fight the dragoons alone
“Look there folks, the dragoon brothers might actual have a challenge tonight” said the Announcer
The announcer had seen the crescent shape of light reflecting off of Leon’s sapphire. The only race on the planet of Auroa that eyes reflected a crescent shape reflection where the Slayers.
A slayer is an ancient race, which is almost as old of as the dragoons. In fact the Slayers are born from a Dragoon family but have a mutation in their genes which gives them the ability of a phoenix. Leon stood at ten feet tall which is two feet above the average height of a dragoon and weighted about 600, and like most slayers, Leon had fiery red hair. A slayer also has the speed and strength advantage over the dragoons.
“You such a foolish Slayer” said the older dragoon brother
“We ripe that pretty blue hair of your before we done with you” said the younger brother
“Let the fight begin” said the announcer
The younger brother went after the human and the older brother went after Leon.
“Let starts thing off rocking” said the older brother as he tore a huge boulder size of rock out of the ground and hurled it at 100mph at Leon. The rock smashed into Leon. The rock smashing created a huge cloud of dirt.
“Were did he go” said the older brother as the smoke cleared
Leon was no were insight. The man was losing badly to the younger brother. The younger brother tosses the man against the stone wall of the arena.
“It ends here fore you” said the younger brother charging at the man to finish him off with a body slam.
“Dang it, I can’t move” said the man as he tried to move out of the body slam.
A few feet away from the man the younger brother feet sunk into the ground
“What in the world is going on” said the younger brother as he was drag into the ground until only his head was above the ground. A few feet away Leon emerged out of the ground covered with scratches.
“Are you still able to fight” asked Leon to the Man
“A few scratches won’t stop me” said the man who had cuts all over his body
“Two against one that my kind of odds” said the older brother
The man and Leon look at each other as the older brother charged. Leon grabbed a hold of the man legs and begin swing him around at a quick speed. After a few times of spinning around, Leon let go of the man. The man went zooming at the older brother with his fist at the older brother. The older brother was confused by this action and did no have enough time to react. The man hit into the older brother at lighting speed. This took the brother clear off his feet. The older brother laid on the ground. Leon and the man had won the battle. Leon and the man headed into the locker room. The announcer came in and handed them a gold ring with a dragoon encrusted in diamonds with the words Dragoon arena champions encrusted in red diamonds. The announcer also handed each of them 100,000 gold coins. Leon handed the man a phoenix tear to heal his wounds, and Leon eat one as well.
“What your name” asked Leon?
“My name is Blade Nova, what is your name” replied the man
“My Name is Leon Star Light” replied Leon
Leon began telling Blade about his up and down of his journey as they changed the clothes ruined in the fight to new ones.
“You fighting style remind me of my best friend Ace” said Leon as he buttoned the last button on his white t-shirt.
Blade’s fighting style was almost identical if not completely identical to Ace’s fighting style. Both Blade’s and Ace’s main point was to deal damage to the opponent at no matter what damage was being dealt to them. When Leon had seen Blade fighting, it was almost like watching Ace fight.
“Really I fight like your friend Ace, who was consider an elite fighter” asked Blade with surprised
“Yes, it is partly true what I told you, but you just missing one thing” said Leon reaching into his bag and pulling out the Axe of Justice, and holding it out to blade.
“What the catch” said Blade looking funny at Leon?
“You just have to fight along me and kick the evil government butt.” Replied Leon
“Deal” said Blade taking the Axe from Leon
“We head off in the morning, meet me at the northern gate of the city” said Leon as he exited the arena
Leon woke up early the next morning and headed toward the northern gate. Blade was already at the gate. Leon and Blade headed off, their first objective was to find a wielder for the bow of righteousness. As Leon headed off the sun gem lit up a bright red on one of his blades. Now both of his blades were at full power now. Suddenly a black knight appeared a few miles down the road. Two creatures stepped in front of the Black Knight. Leon recognized the one as a Grim, but he didn’t recognize the other creature that resembled a skeleton.
“This is the end for you two, you stand no chance against a Grim + Reaper hybrid” said the Black Knight casting a fusion spell on the Grim and the Reaper
Chapter 5: A new threat, a hybrid creature
There was a bright blue flash of light. When the light had finally dimmed a single creature stood were the Grim and the reaper had stood.
“So you finally learned how to summon the reaper of souls” said Leon shivering at the sight
“What is that” asked Blade
“That is the Grim Reaper” replied Leon
The Grim Reaper of Auroa was only believed to be a myth by most. Only a few people ever believed such a being existed. The Grim Reaper of Auroa could only be stopped by lighting, and only a few can control the power of lighting, since it was forbidden to learn due to the fact it was very dangerous, and Leon couldn’t summon Webster for another month.
“Your finish, one touch of the reaper scythe will shred your soul.” said the Black Knight in evil laughter
“Oh, great” said Blade as he got ready to charge the grim reaper.
In a blink of an eye the Grim reaper was behind blade swing his scythe down on Blade. Blade quickly spotted the Grim reaper and rolled just out of reach of the Scythe.
As Blade was getting up he was knocked back by a whack from the Black Knight’s Flail. The blow from the fail knocked him 10ft back into a large oak tree. The Black knight charged again to finish off Blade, but this time Leon was ready and knocked back the Black knight with a whirlwind of fire. Leon careful picked up Blade and placed him over his shoulder, and used smoke pellets to make an escape. Blade was badly hurt by the blow from the flail. The flail had hit him right at the bottom of the ribs with tremendous force. The wound was bleeding badly, and a few ribs were probably broken.
Leon did not dare take Blade to any major town for care since the black knight and the Grim Reaper surely to find them. Leon would headed for the hidden village of the elves, which is hidden and can not be found by those who never been there. Leon used a Phoenix tear berry to temporary stop the bleeding and eases the pain. Normally the essence of the berry juice in the phoenix tear would heal the wound, but a curse stopped the wound from healing. Leon didn’t stop even for a second until he reached the gates of the elf city, two hours later. Sweat was pouring down Leon face.
“Whose there” shouted one of the elf guards from the top of the wall
“It’s me Leon” said Leon
The guard looked over to make sure it was really Leon outside the gate. When the guards seen it was Leon they quickly opened the gate. Two guards came down and Leon explained why he was here. The guards relieved Leon of Blade as they quickly took Blade for medical care. A third guard escorted Leon to the house that Leon would be staying in while Blade received medical care.
Epilogue
At his stay at the Elvin village he will run into a powerful mysterious stranger from another planet that he gets into a fight with. Will this stranger be his down fall or his greatest ally?
A contest entry
- Anything and Everything by SpunkyPunky.
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Honorable mention
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Due to time constraints, I only had enough time to go over chapter one.
I'm currently worrking on a really big story, but I wanted to allow time to review your story as I wanted to offer a helping hand.
This story reminds me of the writings I was doing about four years ago. If you like the way I write now, then you already know that - in time - you can improve to that standard and go on to become great.
Where I found myself getting into trouble was I was writing a lot, but reading very little - including my own writing.
As you finish a chapter, I highly recommend that you read it out loud to yourself. It's great for proofreading, as it will help you find odd wordings within your writing.
Also, you want to read the works of others you enjoy - as I believe it would help you establish your writing voice and make it a lot stronger.
Most of the mistakes you make are very small, and easily avoided, once you become more comfortable with what readers are looking for. Again, I know this to be true, as I (like you) started by just writing my ideas, and it took me some time to learn how to present them properly.
You have a GREAT imagination! That's the only natural talent one can have for writing - the rest must be learned. Stick with this group, and we will help you learn those things that all writers need to learn.
Here, I will give you your first little acorn that will carry you along. Any character of importance - especially the main character - must have their name given immediately.
As the death of the grandfather was important, we needed to know his name too. We also needed to know the name of the little girl as soon as we met her.
These people are an active part of your story, so you need to get us aquainted with them as soon as we meet them, as we are then asked to care about them throughout the story - or in the case of the grandfather, we must have a name to experience his loss.
Again, your errors are cosmetic, and as we know plastic surgery can fix any cosmetic flaws. As such, read more books, read your own work aloud, and learn how to find those little pieces that need to be nipped and tucked.
Where there is imagination, there is always promise. You certainly have imagination, now you only need promise yourself to keep practicing your art until you perfect it.
Here's some suggestions that I had:
[It is the Year Three Thousand Thirty-seven on the planet Aurora. For ages, it has been locked in an age of chaos and darkness, but the forces of good have begun to show strength. Will they be able to bring light to a planet that has known nothing but darkness for so long?]
This is a big gulp to digest in the beginning. I would suggest paring it down a bit and rewording it, as so:
It is the Year Three Thousand Thirty-seven on the planet Aurora. For ages, it has been locked in an age of chaos and darkness, but the forces of good have begun to show strength. Will they be able to bring light to a planet that has known nothing but darkness for so long?
[Chapter 1: The Start of the Revolution of Light] --> Chapter 1: The Revolution of Light
["Ok gramps" said the other merchant.] --> "Okay gramps" said the younger one.
[Both of the merchant were hard working, but the tight grip of the government made them work extremely hard just to make a living.] --> Both of the merchants were hard workers, but the tight grip of the government made it difficult for them to make a living.
[As the two merchants beginning to leave and head home, a group of law enforcers appeared.] --> As the merchants headed on their way home, a group of law enforcers appeared.
[For the merchants and the rest of the hard working people of the Auroa 7, law enforcers were a sign of bad luck, since they enforced the ways of the corrupted government.] --> For the hard working people of Aurora, law enforcers were a bad sign, since they enforced the corrupted ways of the government.
["Hand over the money old man" said one of the law enforcers spotting the bulging money sack.] --> "Hand over the money old man," said one of the law enforcers, spotting the bulging money sack.
["I already paid you my taxes yesterday” said the Older Merchant.] --> "I already paid you my taxes yesterday,” said the older merchant.
[The law enforcer hit the old man with a punch to the stomach. The older merchant fell to the ground, dead.] --> The law enforcer hit the old man with a punch to the stomach, causing him to fall back to the stony street and strike his head. The younger merchant bent down to check on te old man, but there was no pulse, as the blow to the head had taken his life.
*For someone to die of a blow to the stomach, they would never have been well enough for daily life. As such, I think it's better that something else causes the death - such as a traumatic blow to the head. Also, if they are collecting taxes from these people then they would most certainly rough them up, but would stop short of killing them intentionally, as each person they killed was lost revenue, as dead men do not pay taxes*
What? You going to do something about it? I doubt it,” said one of the law enforcers, as he pushed the merchant.
*Also, by now, the merchants should have had names. By not yet naming the older merchant, he passes on as an unknown. By not yet naming the younger one, we can't truly experience his anger and pain. I would have named them at (98).
[Before the law enforcers knew what happen they were both on the ground, stripped of all the weapons and the money that they had took today from other unlucky merchants. The merchant was no were in sight when they came to it.]--> Before the law enforcers knew what happen they were on the ground, stripped of their weapons and the money that they had taken.
*I removed the last line, as the story id told from the viewpoint of the younger merchant, and he wouldn't see himself as out of sight, as he was with himself - as he would be.*
[Meanwhile the merchant was at home safe, behind lock doors of his house, after burying the body of his grandfather. As he entered the house a little girl came up and hugs him] --> The merchant was at home, safe behind locked doors, after burying the body of his grandfather. As he had entered, a little girl had came up and hugged him.
[“Dad, where Gramps” asked a little Girl] --> “Dad, where's Gramps?” asked the little Girl.
[“He’s…..dead. Those corrupted law enforcers killed him” replied the Merchant.] -->
[“NO!!!!” said the little girl running upstairs.] --> “NO!!!!” said the little girl, then she ran upstairs.
[The merchant went over to the fire place, and picked a picture. The picture showed a slightly younger version of the merchant in there with him, and his wife, and the little girl when she was a baby, and his grandfather.] --> The merchant went over to the fire place and picked up a picture. It showed a slightly younger version of the merchant with his wife, the little girl when she was a baby, and his grandfather.
[“I lost Diana (the merchants wife) now I lost Gramps, is Angel(the Little Girl) next “asked The Merchant to himself
“Leon get a hold of yourself, you must be strong and standup for what you think is right” said the merchant to himself] --> “I lost Diana and now I lost Gramps. Is Angel next?" asked the merchant of himself. I need to get ahold of myself. I must be strong and standup for what I think is right.”
[Leon full name is Leon Star Light. He is of an elf and human descent. Leon was a master at wielding a sword, and archery. Leon also was a fire move expert.] -->
*This info should have been at the beginning. The reader needs to know at the beginning who he or she is rooting for. Without this info, the reader considers the maincharacer as an expendable and does not show concern for anything that happens to him or her*
[Leon went over to a closet chained shut, and picked up a sledge hammer and smashed the lock sealing the door shut into thousands of little pieces of steel. Leon opened the wooden door and pulled a box wrapped in a silver cloth. Leon slowly unwrapped the box and pulled out twin blades, one had a moon made from a sapphire moon encrusted in it and the other had a symbol of the Sun encrusted with rubies on it. These sword were once used to ensure the triumph for the side of darkness thousand of years ago when it seemed that the dark side was the side of good, but now they will be the key to sealing the demise of the darkness.] --> Leon went over to a closet. It was chained shut. He picked up a sledge hammer and smashed the lock into little pieces of steel.
Leon opened the wooden door and pulled out a box wrapped in a silver cloth. Leon slowly unwrapped the box and pulled out two blades, one had a moon made from a sapphire encrusted into it and the other had a symbol of the Sun encrusted with rubies on it.
These swords were once used to ensure the triumph for the side of darkness, thousand of years ago when it seemed that the dark side was the side of good, but now they would be the key to removing the darkness.
[Leon dressed for battle, in a suit of titanium armor that was of his own design. Leon went upstairs to fetch Angel. Leon found Angel on the bed crying. Leon pulled Angel’s Dark Black hair away from her face and wiped the tears off her face.
] --> Leon dressed for battle in a suit of titanium armor that was of his own design. He then went upstairs to fetch Angel. Leon found her on the bed crying. Leon pulled her dark, black hair away and wiped the tears from her face.
[“Angel, darling, I will have to leave you in the care of Mrs. Nova next door.” said Leon] --> “Angel, darling, I will have to leave you in the care of Mrs. Nova next door,” said Leon
[“why?’ whined Angel] -- “why?" whined Angel.
[“I have to go and seek some out friend, and it is to dangerous to bring you along” replied Leon] --> “I have to go and seek out an old friend, and it is too dangerous to bring you along,” replied Leon.
[Leon dropped Angel off at Mrs. Nova’s, and gave Mrs. Nova 5,000 Gold pieces to take care of Angel while he was gone. Leon headed of in search for 2 of his friends that had been exiled for challenging the government. His two friends had wielded the other two weapons that had been used along side his blade of light that had helped the dark government succeed in their take over thousands of years ago.] --> Leon dropped Angel off at Mrs. Nova’s, and gave her five thousand gold pieces to take care of Angel while he was gone.
Leon headed off in search of his friends that had been exiled for challenging the government. They had once wielded the other two weapons that had been used along side his blade of light that had helped the dark government succeed in their take over thousands of years ago.
[He would have seek out Ace who wielded the Axe of Justice, and Jessica who wielded the bow of righteousness. Leon did not know where either of them was, but he knew where they would most likely be found. He knew that if he found one of them he would find the other.] --> He needed to find Ace who wielded the Axe of Justice, and Jessica who wielded the Bow of Righteousness.
Leon did not know where they were, but he knew where they could most likely be found. If he found one, then he would most likely find the other.
[The journey finding them will be full of dangerous beyond what Leon could ever imagine. His life would be threaten with every fleeting minute.] --> Finding them would be a dangerouss proposition. Leon knew this, yet he also knew there was no other way.
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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I'm not really sure how detailed you want these comments. You must remember that these are my opinions and I hope helpful suggestions and you do not need to take them if you wish not to.

Prologue
'...era of Chaos(. N)ow the tide...', '...strength(,) as they...'
Chapter 1 P1 needs more description i.e. staggering or quickly.
P4, sentence 2 '...merchants (were) beginning...'
P5 more description
P6 was her weary?
P7 This is unrealistic unless he had helth problems not stated.
P8 '...about it(.) I doubt it(.)" (S)aid one of the law enforcers(,) pushing the merchant.'
P9 I'd write the second stentence like this 'The enforcers found themselves on the ground,...', last sentence 'The (lone) merchant...'
P10 is awkward
P11 needs more description
P12 how did he say it, sadly, furiously?
P13 in tears? Laughing?
P14 'fireplace' is one word, sentence 2 leave out 'in there' and 'and'
P15 I'd write it this way "I lost Diana, my wife, now Gramps. Is Angel next?"
P15 and 16 should be combined
P17 'He is of an elf and human descent' is awkward, thense changes and the last line needs more explaination.
P18 '...to a claset (that was ) chained...', '...hammer(.)', (He) smashed...', leave out the 'and', '...out twin blades(.)' The next sentence is awkward. 'These sword(s) were once used to ensure triumph...' leave out the 'the', '...of years ago(,) when...' needs more description.
P22 '...and seek (out some) friends(s) and it is to(o) dangerous to bring you along(,)...'
P23 you don't need.
P24 '...of(f) in search of his two friends...' leave out 'for 2', next sentance istead of 'His two' how about (These)?, '...blade of light(. They) helped...', 'takeover' is one word.
P25 '...Ace(,) who...', '...of them (were)...'
Chapter 2
P1 "Leon had been...' leave out the 'only', needs more description of the triougars.
P1 and 2 combine
P3 I would add something like '...the forest (, with teeth bared, coming) directly...' and leave out 'and went', sentence 3 leave out 'of the twin blades', comma after 'Triougar' and 'face' and leave out the 'directly.', sentence 4 'feel should be (fell), leave out the 'the triougor' and instead use (and was), sentence 5 I'd use (turned isntead of 'tried'
P4 '...so(. Leon said,), '...middle (, forming a mid-air X), igniting...' Then I'd add 'The flames danced up the sides like two lovers united.' or something like that. It gives more of a visual.
P5 caps all of 'Twin Blade Inferno Rage' if it's a name.
p6, sentence 2, I would add (making it impossible for the triougars to use their keen vision), this adds more to the over all effect you are trying to give. Instead of always using the names try 'beasts' or 'cougar like animals'.
P7 wouldn't the pelt be too wet to use? Last sentence, I'd add (, like artificial skin.)
P8, sentence 2, 'repeated', sentence 3, '...meat (in a) fifth foot...', sentence 4, '...howl(,) which...', sentence 5 leave out 'woke to', '...spotted(,) under...'
P9 tense problems, 'within' is one word, '...kill (a person)...'
P10, sentence 3 'The Grims (turned to face him. They) tore...'
P11 all cps if name, switch 'said Leon' to (Leon said), leave out twin.
P12 Leave out 'the fact they fear nothing' and use (felt no fear), tense problems
P14 you don't need to repeat 'twin' all the time, 'shoot' should be (shot), sue wolf like creatures instead of "Grims', put quickly at the end of the 'died down (quickly).', and use (places) instead of 'spots' again.
P15 'gone' (going), '...sleep(,)" said Leon(,)...'
P17 leave out 'up' in the first sentence, '... a (G)rim claw(,) that...', leave out 'lakes' and 'By now'
Ok that's what I have for the first two chapters. If you'd like the rest I can give it to you.
Oh a couple of more things. I don't think you need to tell the exact depth or distance of something. Maybe just a comparison. Also you use Leon too much. Try using he or his sometimes. This lacks emotions and it seems that the battle are too easily won with very little damage. Use the words instead of the numbers, like 500 use five hundred.
But I loved the plot. I will look forward to reading more of the next part.
Brooke
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I have done the initial read through. The plotting moves along nicely, the charters fit in with the Science fiction/ fantasy theme, lots of action and most of the activity is visible.
Prologue
(as the forces of good begin to gain strength (as they begin to bring) the planet that has been long shrouded in darkness into light.) some echoes here. JMHO but this could be cut for clarity. (to weaken as the forces of good gain strength as they bring the planet that has been long shrouded in darkness into light.)
Chapter 1: The Start of the Revolution of Light—Query, I believe you are setting this up as a screenplay where your audience will be immediately aware of their location. So I won’t ding you on the lack of description this time—grin. If I find you’re writing a novel—watch out—very big grin.
Both of the merchant were (hard) working, but the tight grip of (the) government made them work extremely (hard) just to make a living.eccho Both of the merchant were hard working, but the tight grip of government made it extremely difficult just to make a living.
As the two merchants (beginning) begin to leave and head home, a group of law enforcers appeared.
they enforced the ways of the (corrupted ) corrupt government.
(old man" comma said) (yesterday”comma said) (doubt it” comma said ) query, is this some new style?
The merchant was no (were) where in sight when they came to it.
“Dad, where( Gramps” comma asked (a) the little (Girl) girl period
“He’s…..dead, those corrupted law enforcers killed (him”comma replied) the Merchant.
The merchant went over to the (fire place), fireplace and (picked ) picked up a picture.
“asked (The) the Merchant to himself—these questions could be put into italics so the reader knows they’re internal questions. You could then do away with both the quotation marks and your character talking to himself.
“Leon get a hold of yourself, you must be strong and standup for what you think is( right” said )the merchant to himself. As I explained in the critique I did of your other work. this lack of commonly expected punctuation throws me off. I’ll have to get accustomed to it before I finish this crit.
I have done the initial read through. The plotting moves along nicely, the charters fit in with the Science Fiction/ Fantasy theme, lots of action and most of the activity is visible.
If someone else has already pointed out the mistakes or you’ve found your own, I’ll cease the hunt. If not let me know.
Geri
beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 4.
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Interesting. A lot of imagination shown here with detail work.
Instead of "Older merchant," why not assign a name. Establish he is older then use a name after this point.
I'm not certain if this is meant to be a story or a screen play; the writing methods seemed to be mixed.
ie, (the merchat[s] wife), (the L[l]ittle G[g]irl).
Always spell out numbers unless it is times, such as 12:15AM.
If the triougar "hit him squarely in the face" there is no need to say it left gashes "on his face." Try, "hit him ---in the face, leaving three large gashes."
"The triougar feel to the ground" ???
As I went along the story was good but the typos, and gramatical errors kept getting in the way. I so hope you go back and correct this manuscript because it really seems to have some effort put into the creation.
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“Ultimate flame, twin blade technique, inferno triumph” << that reminded me of the power rangers
'before the flash' << i thought you said flash to much in that sentence.. maybe.. put something like.. Moments before.. or.. only seconds before.. i dunno.. just a little bit of advice..
'tearing away at the 100ft tree' i dont get this bit.. one minutes you say its 50 ft then you say its 100 ft.. maybe its a diffrent tree.. but meh
there shoulders = their shoulders
tread thought it = tread through it
I liked it but.. there's plenty of errors.. go over it again if you can, i liked it and you have a very good imagination.. writing more?
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Thanks for the comment
I just finish editing it, and posted the edited version. I'm think of writing another part soon.
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