The Flying Mermaid

-Chapter One-1

*No Time to Waste*2

It was dark. So dark that she could hardly see. Her tail flapped in the wind as she flew above the ocean. Water splashed at her face. She was getting cold and needed some warmth. Rising high into the sky, she dove into the surface of the water.3

Rachel swam deeper and deeper into the refreshing water. Her wings were folded in to her body so that they stayed warm. She passed sharks chasing after fish, and whales caring for their young, and crabs snoozing amongst the reefs.4

It was a long time until Rachel had found a village where she could rest. The merpeople were all staring at her. It was strange that a mermaid with wings appeared so far from their homeland. Rachel swam to the town center, where the chief was sitting on a throne like chair made out of a whale's mouth.5

He had a necklace of bloody shark teeth and a bracelet of what appeared to be a mixture of crab and lobster claws. His hair, filthy white, was streaming in front of his white eyes and his tunic looked as if it was made of moss. Rachel swam cautiously up to him. She bowed and spoke to him in a voice of deepest respect.6

"Your chiefness. I have come a long way and I would like it very much if I could stay the night," she asked. "I will be on my way tomorrow, sir."7

Rachel didn't dare look up at him. She was determined to show that she had nothing but respect for the man before him. There were tails swishing all around her as she waited for his answer.8

"What is your name," he asked.9

"Rachel, sir, Rachel Cansatie," she responded.10

There were mutterings and whispers all around her. 'Do they know something,' thought Rachel. 'Do they know something about my father?'11

"Rachel Cansatie," said the chief. "You may stay for the night, but only the night. Do you understand?"12

"Yes sir, I understand completely, sir," she told him.13

"Follow me," whispered an old woman. "I shall take you to your lodgings.14

She bowed to the chief once more and followed the woman. She took Rachel to the very outskirts of the village where stood a tiny stone shack with seaweed for a door.15

"Thank you ma'am," she said as she bowed to the woman. Rachel turned to enter the shack when the woman grabbed her arm.16

"Be careful, my dear. I knew your father," whispered the woman. "He stayed in the village every now and then as he traveled. But he was chased away by a hunter. This hunter lives at the very bottom of the sea and hunts merpeople, flying merpeople. Be careful."17

With nothing more said, she swam back to the main village. Rachel pondered on what she had said. 'If it is true,' she thought, 'then I must leave here before the rest wake up.'18

Rachel entered the shack and sat down on the bed of moss. She put her head down on the pillow of seaweed and pulled the seaweed covers over herself as her stomach growled in hunger.19

It made no difference, for she couldn't sleep. Her father had been in this village. But when? Rachel put her hand under her pillow and felt something. She pulled it out and stared at it.20

The item was made of light stone and was about and inch thick. 'Merpeople use this kind of stone for portraits,' thought Rachel. She tuned the stone over and let out a gasp of surprise. There was her father, his right arm around his wife and his left hand upon his daughter, Rachel.21

Rachel stared at the portrait. She remembered when her parents decided to get this done. It was a few months ago. Her father had to have been here about two weeks prior to Rachel's arrival.22

She got out of the bed. Now was the time for her to go. No longer was she tired. No longer was she hungry. No longer was she going to waste time. The search for her father must continue and never stop until he is found.23

Rachel looked under the bed and found a bag. There was a name on the cover. 'Jake,' she pondered. Her father's name wasn't Jake, it was Samuel. She opened the bag and found enough food for a few more weeks. Rachel put the portrait into the bag and closed it.24

She placed it around her self. It fit perfectly, as if it was made for a flying mermaid. Rachel swam out of the shack. She stared around, hoping that she would not be seen leaving this place. Rachel was lucky, for it was too dark for anyone to see her from a distance.25

She swam up to the surface and flew into the air. The moon was behind some dark clouds. She flew on, staring into the water for any dark shapes that might be a danger to her. Once or twice, she thought she saw something but it turned out to be a log or some rocky reefs.26

Rachel's wings started to shiver. The wind was like daggers on her membranes. She decided that it was time to swim to keep her wings from icing over. Rachel dove into the water but stayed close to the surface.27

Her eyelids started to droop. She was so tired. But she mustn’t sleep. Her father could be in trouble. Rachel jerked her eyes open, trying hard not to let them fall28

-*-*-29

Rachel was flying through the clouds, each of them a different shape. She decided that it was time to dive into the sea again. So she let herself fall into the ocean, her wings folded up against her body. The water was cool and refreshing on her body.30

Rachel was going deeper and deeper into the water. She was much too deep now. That old woman had told her not to go this deep. But just as she was about to turn around, Rachel heard a cry for help. The cry was distant and it seemed to be coming from the deeper part of the ocean.31

What was she to do? She couldn't leave that poor soul in the dark. Rachel started to swim as fast as she could. She tried with all of her might to enter the darkness too, but every time she got close, it slipped away from her.32

The cries had now turned into screams of pain. Who ever it was, was getting tortured. She had to reach the bottom. They needed help. And, finally, she made it through the darkness.33

She swam as fast as she could towards the screams. Rachel screamed as she came upon scene. Her father was the one being tortured. Rachel couldn't move. She was petrified with fear.34

-*-*-35

Rachel was shaken awake by a mermaid. And not just any mermaid, another flying mermaid. She was shivering on top of a very comfortable bed.36

"Are you alright, my dear," whispered the woman. She had flowing blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes.37

"I...I think so," she told her. Rachel tried to sit up but the woman pushed her back onto the soft fuzzy pillows.38

"You should rest here for a while," she responded. "My name is39

Sandra Balla. You are quite lucky my son was out side or he wouldn't have seen you floating in the water. He was very happy to have his bag back though. Jake found a portrait inside that he assumed belonged to you."40

She pointed to Rachel's right. When Rachel looked, there was her family portrait sitting on top. "Thank you, so much, for you hospitality. But I really must be going now," Rachel said, getting into a sitting position. "I have to find my father."41

Sandra looked at her with concern. "I really think that you should spend the night. Just the night, you still look fairly tired," she responded.42

Rachel thought for a bit. She did feel tired, so what harm could it do? She nodded and sank back onto her fluffy pillows. Sandra smiled.43

"There now," she said. "I will let you rest. Then I shall come and check on you around midday and see if you are hungry." She left as Rachel started to close her eyes and she fell asleep with out even knowing it.44

-Chapter Two-45

*An Old School Friend*46

Rachel awoke and found a young man sitting beside her. When he noticed that she was awake, he lifted up a tray full of food.47

"Mum said that she thought you might be hungry," said the boy. "My name's Jake. Thank you for finding my backpack." He set the tray of food on Rachel's lap as she sat up.48

"Thank you, Jake. My name's Rachel, Rachel Cansatie," she told him. He looked handsome with his curtain of black hair and his stunning green eyes. His blue scales shimmered as he moved. He couldn't be much older then Rachel.49

"You're welcome, Rachel Cansatie," Jake responded. He smiled at her with his perfect teeth. Rachel couldn't help but to smile back. "How old are you," he asked as Rachel started to eat.50

Rachel considered him for a moment, and said, “I’ll be seventeen in a few weeks. How old are you?"51

"Seventeen," responded Jake with another flash of his teeth. "My mum told me that you are trying to find your father."52

Rachel swallowed her fish before answering him. "Yes, he's been missing for quite some time. I left our home to go looking for him. I have no idea where he is, but I do know where he was going. He was to arrive in Sidney about a month ago, but they sent word to us that he never showed up."53

Rachel was staring down at her food as tears slid down her cheeks from her dark blue eyes. Jake wiped them away from her face with a finger. He lifted her face so that he could stare into her eyes. Jake gave Rachel a hug and Rachel hugged him back.54

The door banged open and Rachel and Jake broke apart. Standing in the doorway was Sandra Balla and a hefty looking man with short black hair, receding some what, and hazel eyes. Mrs. Balla was staring at her son with a stern look upon her face.55

The man however simply said, "So this is the young lady that brought Jake's bag back. I am Jason Balla, Jake's father." He looked familiar. As if Rachel had seen him before, but only in a picture. Who was this man? 56

"I'm Rachel Cansatie, and I thank you for your hospitality Mr. Balla. It really means-"57

"What were you doing, sleeping on the ocean surface," asked Mr. Balla. "It seams very odd that you would just happen to be floating along with my son's bag."58

"I’ve been looking for my father for the past month. I was resting in a village a few miles below sea level when I decided that I must continue my search for my father," Rachel paused, "after I found our family photo under my pillow at the shack that I was staying in."59

There was a long pause before Mr. Balla stated, "Well, you sure do look like Samuel's kid, but your eyes are different from his."60

"You know my father," Rachel asked, getting out of the bed so suddenly that Mrs. Balla looked alarmed, but Rachel ignored her.61

"Yes, I do. We were friends during our school days. That's before I decided to explore the seas and the skies," he explained. "Your father and I ran into each other, literally, when I decided to fly and he decided to swim. We were both surprised to see each other again so I invited him to join me and my wife for dinner that night."62

"That's when I told him of my own travels and how I met Sandra. She was about to have Jake at that time," Mr. Balla took a break and looked at the photo now sitting on the table next to the bed. He sighed and continued in his story, "Samuel told me all about his wife and soon to be child. He said that he was on his way home when we bumped into each other. The next day, he left."63

Rachel glanced at the photo and asked, “Have you seen my father lately?"64

He sighed again and answered, "I only had a brief glimpse of him flying north towards Africa. He was going by so fast that I didn't even have time to shout a 'hello' to him. It looked as if Sam was being chased by something."65

Mrs. Balla must have seen the look of horror on Rachel's face, because she whispered, "Are you alright, dear? Did you get enough to eat, enough rest?"66

Rachel swallowed and answered her in a shaky voice, "Yeah, yeah I'm.....I'm fine." Rachel wasn't fine. She was worried about her father.67

-Chapter Three-68

*Decisions*69

Dinner was a subdued affair as Rachel told the Balla's about the hunger. She told them of her fears that her father was being hunted and about the nightmare. After she finished, Jason and Sandra discussed the hunter and weather or not it was safe for Rachel to search for her father alone.70

Rachel ignored this part of the conversation as tears leaked from her eyes. Jake took hold of Rachel's hand and she looked up to meet his eyes. He wrapped his arm around Rachel's shoulders and held her close. She could feel her heart beat in time with Jake's. Rachel's tears dripped onto his bare chest as Jake kissed her forehead.71

"Well one thing is for sure," said Mr. Balla loudly. "We can't allow Rachel to go alone. Sam would kill me if he knew."72

Rachel looked up at him. "This hunter hunts flying merpeople. I don't want to put you in danger," she stated.73

"I'm not about the let my best friend’s daughter to go chasing after some monster alone," Mr. Balla said forcefully. "That's why I am going with you."74

"Me too," responded Jake.75

His mother looked appalled, however his father said, "Look, Jake. I know you want to come with, but it's just too dangerous."76

"I don't care. I'm going with, dad," stated Jake. He was staring determinedly at his father.77

"Enough, Jacob," yelled Mrs. Balla. "You are a boy, much too young to-"78

"I AM NOT A BOY," screamed Jake. "I'm seventeen years old. Old enough to decide what I want." Mrs. Balla looked as if she had been slapped in the face. Jake continued but in a sober voice, "I know you care about me, mum. I know that you would be devastated if I died. But this is something I have to do."79

Tears were streaming down Mrs. Balla's face as she stammered, "But...but...Jason, please. Reason with him."80

Mr. Balla turned to face his son who's face was set with a look plainly saying 'You can't stop me.' Mr. Balla sighed and responded, "I think he's made up his mind."81

"So I take it that I'm supposed to stay here all by myself, worrying about you two," exclaimed Mrs. Balla, her tears falling fast upon her white blouse.82

"Of course not," whispered Mr. Balla. "That's why I'm staying here. Jake can take care of himself."83

"Mum. I promise that I will be careful," responded Jake. And with a quick look at his father, added, "And make sure that no harm comes to Rachel."84

"Fine. But neither of you are leaving until you get a good night sleep," whispered Mrs. Balla. "I will also pack you some food."85

"I have another bag that you can use, Rachel," said Mr. Balla. They stood up, took the plates, and went into the kitchen, leaving Rachel and Jake alone together.86

"Are you sure you want to go with me," asked Rachel. She looked up into his eyes, waiting for his reply.87

"Of course I do," Jake responded. "Nothing is ever going to stop me from going with you." And with that, Jake hugged her.88

As Rachel hugged him back, she wondered if they were really going to find her father. 'Dad, please be okay,' she prayed.89

-Chapter Four-90

*Flying Away*91

When Rachel woke the next morning, she felt as if everything that had happened the night before was all a dream. She sat up and stretched her black wings. She felt refreshed as she got out of the bed. She could smell cooking fish and the sweet smell of sea weed salad.92

Rachel made her way to the dining room and found Jake and Mr. Balla sitting there. They were looking at what appeared to be a map of the world. When Jake noticed her, he smiled. Rachel sat down across from Jake.93

“Good morning, Rachel,” stated Mr. Balla. “I hope you slept well.”94

“Yes, I did, sir,” she responded. She studied the map but had no idea where Australia or Africa or even where her home was.95

“I thought you might not know much about maps. But not to worry, Jake here knows quite a bit about maps. He will be able to navigate,” said Mr. Balla as he clapped his sons’ shoulders.96

Jake smiled as Rachel sat down. Everything seemed to be going the way that it was supposed to. But Rachel couldn’t help but feel as if something was going to go terribly wrong. It was just one of those feelings.97

Everything was packed up and ready to go by lunch. Mrs. Balla was still trying to get Jake to stay. Her attempts were fruitless. Tears were steaming down her face.98

“Now take care of yourself, okay,” sniffed Mrs. Balla.99

“Don’t worry, honey,” stated Mr. Balla. “They are going to be fine. Here. You might need this.” He handed Rachel a pocket knife. “It might come in handy.”100

“Thanks, Mr. Balla,” responded Rachel. Mr. Balla gave Rachel a hug.101

“Take care. We will see you when you get back,” said Mrs. Balla.102

They waved good bye as Jake and Rachel flew off into the distant. Mr. and Mrs. Balla were out of site within ten minutes.103

Rachel was thinking of the last time she saw her father. It was during her parents’ anniversary. It was a big party. Everyone was there. Everyone except her father. He had been doing a late order and ran into a human ship. Samuel had to lay low because it was bad enough that a human spots a mermaid, but a flying mermaid would be catastrophic.104

“Don’t worry, Rachel,” stated Jake. “We will find him. I promise.”105

‘I hope you’re right, Jake,’ she thought. ‘I hope you’re right.’106

-Chapter Five-107

*Captured*108

They flew a couple of hours and then decided to rest on the surface of the water. They just floated around making small talk. Talking about how nice of a day it was and how bright the stars were going to be tonight. Then somehow, the small talk turned into Rachel’s childhood.109

“Dad wasn’t around that much,” she told Jake. “But when he was it was a blast. We always played fun games, the ones that he made up were always so creative and enjoyable. We would play games in the air and games in the sea. Mum and Dad would always let me fly around whenever I wanted.”110

“Wow. Mum and Dad never let me fly around or anything like that,” responded Jake. “They were always afraid that some human would spot me.”111

“I had to be careful and everything,” Rachel said. “Dad taught me how to look for human signs. We lived in the trees of some far off rain forest. It was always easy to spot human signs there. Out hear it’s a bit harder.”112

They were splashed in the face by the ocean spray. Slowly, Rachel and Jake were pushed together by the waves. Jake turned his face towards Rachel and she turned her face towards him. There was a glimmer in his eyes and his hair was sparkling at her.113

“Rachel,” whispered Jake. “I think I’m falling for you.” With that said, Jake kissed her. He pulled back but Rachel pulled him closer.114

“I think I’m falling for you, too,” whispered Rachel. She snuggled up closer to Jake and he held her there. Both wanted this moment to last forever.115

But what they didn’t see was the poacher ship that was getting closer and closer as they floated on the surface of the ocean. The waves started to turn them around and Rachel and Jake finally saw the ship. Automatically, both dived into the water. They dove deeper as nets were cast on top of them.116

Soon they were so deep beneath the surface that they could no longer see the shining sun above. Rachel was breathing hard as she turned to Jake.117

“That was a close one,” stated Jake. “Really close. Are you alright?”118

“Yes, I’m fine,” responded Rachel. “We should get go---”119

“AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!”120

“What was that!?” asked Jake.121

“DAD!!” screamed Rachel. She started to swim towards the screaming but Jake grabbed hold of her arm.122

“If that’s your dad and he’s screaming like that, we can’t just go rushing over there,” whispered Jake. “Who ever is making him scream like that is probably that monster you were talking about. Don’t you think that he would do the same to us that he is doing to your father?”123

Rachel took a deep breath. “You’re right, Jake. So,” she said, “What do we do?”124

“I don’t know. We will have to think up of some plan,” responded Jake. “But it will have to be during the dark most likely.”125

“Well, we should at least get closer so we can see what’s going on,” whispered Rachel. “That way we can see if it really is my dad.”126

“Okay, but quietly,” stated Jake.127

Cautiously they swam closer to the screaming. It was starting to get really load and scary. ‘What could that monster be doing to my father?’ Rachel asked of herself.128

There was a rock ahead of them. Jake and Rachel swam to the top of it. They peered over the rock and there was the monster. It was a Niver Sung, the last Niver Sung in the world. Rachel ducked back behind the rock. Jake followed.129

“Dad told me about that thing,” whispered Rachel. “It’s called a Niver Sung. But this Niver Sung is the last of its kind. It’s the only one alive because it stood back and watched the war of the mermaids and Niver Sungs. The mermaids won. My grandfather was killed in the battle. He was the general of the flying mermaids unit twelve. His brother killed the one that we thought was the last, but it wasn’t.”130

Rachel returned her gaze to the Niver Sung. He was standing by a table, when he moved, Rachel could see her father. Jake grabbed onto her arm again.131

“Let’s think of a plan first,” stated Jake.132

They sway 50 meters from the rock and sat down on the sand below them. Together they tried to think up of a plan to save Rachel’s father. Finally they agreed on one of them.133

“I will have to go in alone,” stated Jake. “Tonight.”134

“I don’t know about this, Jake,” responded Rachel. “I think we should wait till tomorrow.”135

“Your father might not have until tomorrow,” whispered Jake. “It has to be tonight.”136

“Okay. Tonight, then,” said Rachel. “But if you’re not back soon, I’m coming after you.”137

“Don’t worry,” stated Jake. “I will be back before you know it.”138

-Chapter Six-139

*The Final Battle*140

‘Where is he,’ thought Rachel. Jake had been gone for a few hours. He said he would be back soon. He said that it wouldn’t take so long. ‘I feel as if I am being watched. Could the Niver Sung be near? Could he be watching my every move? I can’t wait anymore. I have to start looking for him.’141

Rachel swam around, wondering where Jake was and what was taking him so long. She swam over to the rock and peaked over it. There was her father and Jake was right next to him. He was tied down. Rachel had to save them. 142

“Please, just let him go,” said Samuel.143

Rachel ducked down as the Niver Sung went past her rock. It was too dangerous to watch. The monster would see her. She stayed behind the rock and listened.144

“He hasn’t done anything to you,” continued Rachel’s father. “Please, let him go.”145

“No! He is a flying mermaid, just like you,” stated the Niver Sung. “He can have the same fate as you. Nothing, short of the hand of Poseidon, will make me let him leave.”146

“Please, I beg of you,” pleaded Samuel.147

“Your pity begging will do nothing to help,” said the deep voice. “Now you two stay here and behave. I will be back in a few hours. It’s time for me to go hunting.”148

Rachel pressed herself against the rock as the creature zipped past her. She took the knife out of her bag as quietly as possible. The monster was gone from sight. Rachel swam out from behind her rock.149

“Dad,” Rachel whispered. “Jake. Are you guys okay?”150

“Rachel, what are you doing her?” Samuel asked. “You need to get out of her.”151

“Not without you two,” she stated.152

“Rachel,” Jake said quietly. “I thought I was never going to see you again.”153

“Well, I will make sure you see me everyday,” responded Rachel. She started to cut her father away from the seaweed ropes. “Dad, are you strong enough to swim by yourself?”154

“Yes,” he said. “Cut Jake down. Quickly.” Rachel swam over to Jake and released him from his seaweed prison. 155

“Thanks, Rachel,” Jake panted. He would have collapsed to the ground had Rachel not been there to catch him.156

“Are you okay? Can you make it?” Rachel asked.157

“I…think…so,” he responded, every word seemed to be costing him a great deal of pain. Rachel let him go and he almost fell again. “I’m…fine…Rachel. I can…swim.”158

“No, you can’t, Jake,” stated Samuel. “You have been stricken with Goulieasckapox”159

“What’s that?” Rachel asked.160

“It’s a sickness that makes you loose your scales and wings naturally. It’s not deadly, that’s the good thing,” stated Samuel.161

“What’s…the….bad?” Jake gasped.162

“It’s very painful,” responded Samuel quietly. “We have to get you out of the water now.”163

“Well, let’s go then,” stated Rachel. She put Jake’s arm around her shoulders and started to swim up. Rachel swam for about ten seconds until she realized that her father was not following. “Dad, we have to go.”164

“Let me just grab something real quick,” Samuel told his daughter. Rachel waited as he picked up a harpoon. “Just in case.”165

Samuel swam up to Rachel and Jake. Jake nodded at the harpoon. What if that Niver Sung came back for them? It would kill them all. No way was a measly harpoon ever going to stop it. It couldn’t, could it? They started to swim towards the surface. Rachel could see the light; they were almost out of danger.166

“That was a brave move back there, Rachel,” said Samuel. “Thank you, your mother will be proud.”167

“Well it’s too bad that you will never know for sure!” Samuel, Rachel, and Jake turned around to face the monster.168

“Swim, Rachel! Take Jake and get out of her!” screamed her father.169

“No! I won’t leave without you,” screamed Rachel. She couldn’t leave her father alone with that monster. He had just gotten out of its clutches and now he is going back.170

“Rachel, you heard me,” said Samuel. “Now go!”171

“Rach…el…lets…go…heh…heh,” gasped Jake.172

Rachel swam up to the surface with Jake still wrapped around her shoulders. She flew up into the air, holding Jake. Rachel wanted to go back and help her father. But Jake couldn’t fly by himself.173

“Jake!” yelled a voice behind them. Rachel turned them around and there was Jake’s father. “Rachel! Are you two okay? Where’s Samuel?”174

“I’m fine but Jake has Golieaska whatever,” responded Rachel. “Dad is still under.”175

“What!? No! Not Goulieasckapox!?” screamed Mr. Balla.176

“Yes, that. Hold Jake so I can go get my father,” Rachel said quietly.177

Mr. Balla flew over to Jake and Rachel. He took Jake around his shoulders as Rachel dove back into the ocean. There was a war going on between her father and the Niver Sung. There had to be some why for Rachel to help.178

“HA HA HA!!! You think that you small messily creature could destroy me? It took three times as many of you plus the giant squid to destroy the rest of my kind,” yelled the Niver Sung.179

Rachel turned around and there they were. Her father was held in a choke hold by the Niver Sung. The harpoon was sinking away to the bottom of the ocean. Rachel swam as fast as she could to catch it. Her fingers almost slipped on it but the grasped it and held it tight to her body. ‘Now to get it back to Dad before it’s too late,’ thought Rachel.180

She swam up to the battle. Her father had gotten out of the choke hold and was read to go at the Niver Sung again. He was breathing hard. It looked as if he couldn’t make it. Rachel swam closer to the Niver Sung. She aimed the harpoon at the monster, pulled back her arm, and, with as much strength that she could muster, Rachel through the harpoon. The Niver Sung’s tail wiped around and caught Rachel in the head. She was knocked out and was heading to the ocean floor.181

-Chapter Seven-182

*Together*183

“You were very lucky that Rachel was there, Samuel,” whispered a far off voice.184

“I know,” said another. “I don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t of gotten that harpoon.”185

“That Niver Sung would have killed you,” said the first voice. “You, Rachel and Jake would all have been dead.”186

‘Harpoon, Niver Sung, Jake? What is going on?’ Rachel started to get up. Her head felt heavy and her body felt warm and dry.187

“She’s awake!! Jake!! Sandra!! Come here,” some one yelled off to Rachel’s left.188

“Rachel, are you okay?” whispered the one on her right.189

“Dad?” she asked quietly. “What happened?”190

“You saved your father’s life,” responded the voice on the left.191

“Mr. Balla? Where’s Jake? Where is he? Is he okay?” asked Rachel.192

“Jake is…well, why don’t you ask him yourself?” responded Mr. Balla.193

“Rachel,” said a new voice. Rachel opened her eyes and sat up. Jake was standing in the doorway. He had a bed sheet wrapped around him like a toga. He walked towards Rachel.194

“Jake,” whispered Rachel. “How are you feeling?” She was startled that he was walking and not flying.195

“I’m feeling a lot better,” he responded.196

“Well, I am going to be needing some help in the kitchen. Samuel, Jason,” stated Mrs. Balla.197

“Alright, we’re coming,” said Mr. Balla. He gave Jake an odd stare that clearly stated ‘Don’t do anything you will regret’ and left.198

“You can come join us when you’re ready, Rachel,” said Samuel. He smiled at his daughter and followed Mr. Balla out the door.199

“So,” said Rachel into the silence.200

“Thank you,” stated Jake. “You saved me.”201

“No, I didn’t,” responded Rachel quietly. “You still lost you wings and scales. I didn’t save you. I couldn’t save you.” She looked away from Jake. Rachel couldn’t look into his eyes.202

Jake grabbed hold of her head in both his hands. “You’re wrong,” Jake whispered. “You did save me, more then you know.” He kissed Rachel and wrapped his arms around her. “I love you, Rachel.”203

“I love you too, Jake,” responded Rachel. She kissed him back. Rachel touched his legs. “They’re hairy.” She smiled at him.204

“Yeah,” said Jake. “It’s a new feeling. I will have to get used to it.” He smiled back at Rachel.205

“I will get that gulie whatever pox,” stated Rachel, “after I turn seventeen. Then we can live in the human world together.”206

“Yeah, together,” whispered Jake.207

“Rachel! Jake! Lunch is ready! Come and get it!”208

Author notes

OK Just so everyone knows, I am finaly finished with the story. The Flying Mermaid was a hard story to write for me because I lost the ending of it a few weeks before finishing it completely. So here it is, enjoy!

Just to clear a few things up with Rachel seeing her father. This is how it goes down. Rachel comes apon a village. Her father stayed in the same village. She decided that she must leave the village to continue her search for her father. She is so tired that Rachel falls asleep while traveling. While she sleeps, she dreams of her father. Sees her father being tourtured and then wakes up. The Ballas find her while she is sleeping and take care of her. She falls in love with the Ballas son, it's a love at first site kind of thing. And so Rachel and Jake make plans to save her father.

Most people are confused about Rachel suddenly coming apon her father when she was asleep far, far away. The --- indicate the start of a dream. And at the end is another ---. So this is what it looks like:

---

Rachel was flying through the clouds...

Rachel couldn't move. She was petrified with fear.

---

There you go. I hope that clears things up for those that were wondering.

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  • Summer Lion
    November 10, 2007

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    There were a bit of grammatical and spelling errors in here. I was also confused by a couple things.First, I was confused by how Rachel found her father being tortured but then the next scene she didn't know where he was. I got the feeling it was a nightmare but then how did she go from the shack to the home of the Balla's? I was also confused as to how Jake and Rachel were suddenly kissing and in love. They had just set eyes on eachother so they didn't know eachother, and you didn't explain a "love at first sight" kind of thing. Just suddenly they were kissing. Other then that, this was extremely creative. I love the idea of flying mermaids. You are an imaginative writer.


    • sly fox
      November 10, 2007
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      ok you are like the 20th person to ask and i am getting really sick and tired of explaining it. but i have and i put it in the autors note as to why she saw her father being tourtured, that bit was a dream, a nightmare. and i sort of thought that them looking into eachothers eyes and then kissing would signifie love at first site. if you still think it doesn't clarafie it, plz tell me.

      • Summer Lion
        November 11, 2007
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        You sound a little offended by my reply. First off you should know that I think your story was really good and you shouldn't be offended by my criticisms. I give a comment to everyone on what I think could be improved. These are only my humble suggestions, as I am no expert and I apologize if they offend you. Now, for the nightmare she had I see now that I just missed something. However, if you are getting a lot of confused people then you might want to change the wording to the last part before she falls asleep so people can understand easier. At the end of the scene she sounds determined to stay awake and so it gives the reader the feel that she is going to be able to. Perhaps end "trying hard not to let them fall" with "but it was so hard..." or something like that, or even just "..." to show some trouble. For the love part, looking into someones eyes doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna fall in love. I have looked deeply into a family members eyes. Looking into someones eyes just signifies "having a moment" in an emotional time. You might want to state something simple such as "and she saw something in them... blah blah" or even just she liked what she saw in them. Anyway, these are all just suggestions to think about and not rules I am laying down. Remember that your story is your own no matter what anyone says.

        • sly fox
          November 11, 2007
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          i wasn't offended in anyway. but many people are very confused about this story and it's hard to get someone to understand. but lately i have had little time to re-read and edit this story. whenever a writer writes something, that something makes sence to them, but it might not always make sence to the reader. somewhere along the line, i have forgoten to read my own stories as a reader, instead of a writer. it's hard to switch around alot, especialy when i am on a writing streak. that's how it was when i first wrote this story. i was just on a writers streak. but thank you for the advice. and remember, acepting criticism is the next step to be a great writer.


  • chintzy faberge
    October 12, 2007
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    Wow...you really ticked me off. I'm not sure what you thought I meant when I asked for your "best work", but as far as I know, when people think they have their best work, it's finished. I am not going to spend time waiting for you to finish this. If you had been interested enough in the contest, you might have noticed that I requested finished pieces.

    But, judging by the fact that you have apparently submitted this to every contest on SW, you don't care that much. I don't even want to give this a good critique.

    Please, if you enter another contest I make, read the rules or at least make educated guesses.

  • chintzy faberge
    October 12, 2007
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    Wow...you really ticked me off. I'm not sure what you thought I meant when I asked for your "best work", but as far as I know, when people think they have their best work, it's finished. I am not going to spend time waiting for you to finish this. If you had been interested enough in the contest, you might have noticed that I requested finished pieces.

    But, judging by the fact that you have apparently submitted this to every contest on SW, you don't care that much. I don't even want to give this a good critique.

    Please, if you enter another contest I make, read the rules or at least make educated guesses.


  • GuitarShank Moderators member
    October 10, 2007

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    Pretty good, I like it so far. It actually caught me by surprise. Here I was thinking "Here we go... a mermaid story" and now here I am like "Wow, that was totally way better than I had expected it to be!"

    You have a few grammar mistakes, common things like saying "who's" instead of "whose" and such. Other than that, it was good.

    Good write and good luck

    Oh, and I did read all chapters


  • So Strange Greeters member
    October 4, 2007

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    My second comment on this story. I think that your cast addition was very fine, especially Lohan. I think the story and all around grammar and plot that was this story was really good and I think you have a really good chance at winning a trophy.

    Keep up the good work and good luck in my contest!

  • So Strange Greeters member
    September 20, 2007
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    If you are going to want a chance at this contest, you're going to have to add a cast of some sort to the bottom of your author notes. But if you did, I'm sure you'd have a pretty good chance at doing so. Cause this story was really good, but you still didn't follow the main rule...


  • illegalfairy
    September 16, 2007

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    This was very good.I will definately be checking in from time to time to see if you've added some. I love mermaids and the idea of flying mermaids. Good job and thank you for entering the contest.


  • Rini
    September 13, 2007

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    It's a good storyline and has creative characters. Flying Mermaids is a cool idea.

    For my contest however, one of the rules was that the story could only be entered into a couple other contests over time. You have entered this in tons of them. I'm sorry but I can't accept this as a contestant.


  • karmaxandxcrayons
    September 7, 2007

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    i liked the beginning but i kind of got bored and lost interest in the middle.... maybe try using more "exciting" words and stronger, more varied nouns. i like the idea, though.


  • LostShadow silver member
    September 3, 2007

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    I liked the idea of the story and how creative it is. It didn't capture my full attention but interested me. You can tell that you spend a while working on this story.

    A few grammatical errors but other then that it was very nicely written.

    Thanks for entering and goodluck

    Emma

  • Baba Jojo
    September 1, 2007

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    its very good...how adorable! and the characters were nice. Some grammatical errors, other then that...nic workd!!


  • pookah1111
    August 23, 2007

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    I really like this story and it's apparent that you did spend quite a bit of time working on it. Thanks for entering the contest.

    Here are some grammatical errors that I found, it's small stuff but if you are looking to get published it might be helpful:

    It was a long time until Rachel had found a village where she could rest
    Leave out the word "had"

    It was strange that a mermaid with wings appeared so far from their homeland
    I understand what you are trying to say but it might sound better with "her" instead of "their"

    He had a necklace of bloody shark teeth
    Just a thought but would the sharks teeth be bloody under the water?

    The item was made of light stone and was about and inch thick
    "and" should be "an"

    Dinner was a subdued affair as Rachel told the Balla's about the hunger
    "hunger" should be "hunter"




  • beezy92
    August 23, 2007

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    its pretty good

    I have to be honest, I didin't finish, because its really long but Ill probably come back and finish some other time.

    I like the flying mermaid thing its very cool. now how come she saw her father and then in the next scene she's in a bed?? *is confused* (=

    but awesome job, good luck in the contest! (=

    • sly fox
      August 23, 2007
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      ok to let u know the part where she sees her father is a nightmare. it never really happend thats what the *** indicates. do u understand it more now?


  • artemis the hunter
    August 18, 2007
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    very creative. i liked it very much. good luck in your contests


  • Tantith Wolfe
    August 17, 2007

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    Flying mermaid? NICE! I love the idea of this, it's very new and creative. The fairy tail like wording and events make it interresting, but I began to lose intrest around the middle of the story.
    Try rewording some of the paragraphs to not be so repetitive with words like "she" "water" ect. Overall, good work!
    Very nice plot and very creative idea!
    Thanks for joining and good luck!


  • My-Name-Is-Nobody
    August 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering. I look forward to seeing your next entry. ^-^


  • Token Massacre silver member
    August 15, 2007

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    Watch your wording. Repeating words tends to lose the reader.
    for example

    She was getting cold and needed some warmth. She rose high into the sky and then dived until she broke through the surface of the water.

    rewording that to something like...

    She was getting cold and needed some warmth. Rising high into the sky and diving hard so she broke through the surface of the water.

    makes it sound more like action than a retelling of an incident.
    Well done on structure. Paragraphs flow smoothly as does your dialogue.

    A few punctuation mistakes however...

    "Well one thing is for sure," said Mr. Balla loudly, "we can't allow Rachel to go alone. Sam would kill me if he knew."

    should be

    "Well one thing is for sure," said Mr. Balla loudly. "We can't allow Rachel to go alone. Sam would kill me if he knew."

    Good luck in the contests you've entered. The story kept my attention from beginning to end. I'm not sure the title fits but that's apparently not been determined as of yet. Also breaking it up into chapters might increase your readers. Good start, keep writing.

    • sly fox
      August 15, 2007

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      yeah thank you for the comment and the advice i was kind of having som difficulty on this story and every bit helps. so thank you very much.


  • The Wall
    August 14, 2007

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    The plot of this story was very creative, but I think some of the logic that the charecters go through is not too logical. Like the fact that the mermaid stayed a night at bella's house when she knew her father was being tourtered.

    I liked the simplistic writing style that is used in lots of fairy tale type stories. Overall great job, and good luck in the contest.

    • sly fox
      August 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      jsut to let you know, the part of her father being tourtured was part of a dream. that bit isn't real rachel was just having a nightmare. i hope you now understand more clearly.


  • Hug.Trees
    August 14, 2007

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    The idea of a flying mermaid is pretty cool! I like this story. It's very creative, and seems well thought out. [= Thanks for entering and good luck in ma contest!!


  • The Imagined
    August 12, 2007

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    This is an interesting story. I like the character and the setting that you chose. I can't say I've read too many mermaid stories on here. It's very original. Thank you for entering.


  • lovely nightmare
    August 12, 2007

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    Aw this was so cute! I would never have though of a flying mermaid...very original Good luck, thank you for entering.


  • Taylor Renee
    August 9, 2007

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    I'm crying. And I don't know why.
    That's the best response you could've made me have.
    I am absolutely in love with this story and I need to see it continued. Please, please message me when you have more.
    I have no idea what I was talking about with the fact I commented before. I absolutely love this now.
    I wish you luck in the contests! Fantastic idea!
    xoxo
    Taylor


  • Ziee..
    August 8, 2007
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    Loved it.. even though ive already read it.. i still loved it jsut as much..

    good luck =]


  • HeartSxAnDxStripeS
    August 8, 2007
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    good luck in the contest


  • boxOFjuice
    August 8, 2007
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    AWESOME!!! XD Who'd think of flying mermaid?!! XD Very creative.


  • JuliaAlexandrovna
    August 7, 2007
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    Good luck in the contest ^^

    x Julez


  • Delfishie
    August 7, 2007

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    Wow, for such an exotic, different creature (a mermaid with feathers!), she sure has a normal, everyday name.

    "The search for her father must continue and never stop until he is found." - I think this should be in past tense...

    "Thank you for finding my backpack" - LOL. She didn't find it, she was gonna steal it! Hehe, I like this plot twist. ;-)

    '"Are you sure you want to go with me," asked Rachel" - Okay, I'm not sure what the grammar rules are in Britain (from 'snogging' I assume your from Britain somewhere?), but at least in American grammar, whenever the character asks a question, instead of putting a comma at the end, you put a question mark. So the new sentence would be

    '"Are you sure you want to go with me?" asked Rachel'

    Not a big deal, but I figured I'd point this out, just in case.

    .....

    Wow, this is a really great YA story! I loved how fast the plot moved and Rachel's quest and the idea of a mermaid with wings. This was really very imaginative, so much so that i wanted even more detailed descriptions of where she was and what her world looked like.

    Excellent job with this. You're a very good writer

    • sly fox
      August 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for the feed back i really liked it. and just to let u know, im an American. lol. i just talk in british a lot so i kinda thought that it might fit with this story. lol


  • Yi Yin
    August 7, 2007

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    Hmmm... This is interesting! It's really a new concept, flying mermaids... that's really creative of you... as for the story it's got a good feel in it...
    Good Luck for the contest!


  • Greeneyes15
    August 3, 2007

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    Great Work

    Thank You so much for your entery! This story was so interesting and stuch an enjoyable read. You write very very well. I love the whole "Flying" mermaid part as well. very integing! Great job! keep up the great writing and good luck in the contest!!

    --Greeneyes

    ps. love your taste in books! lol! i love Harry Potter!


  • Sunless Spirit
    August 3, 2007
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    Cool! I love mermaids! and this story roxs


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    August 2, 2007

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    Wow.. I LOVE mermaids.. I really like how you begun this - I felt like I was watching a movie or a carton, or that someone was reading an epic or something to me The best part is that my name is also Rachel, hahaha!

    I enjoyed reading this.. It proved to be different from the other mermaid stories I've read, on this site or off it... where HAS the father gone? And did Jake go to that cottage to (or did someone steal his bag and leave it in that place where Rachel saw her father's picture?)

    I really liked this ^_^ there were some spelling errors, but they did not distract me from the story line (an example of which is Rachel herd a cry for help. herd should be heard ^_^) although.. I have to admit, I saw this more as a fantasy piece rather than a scifi piece.. if ever you will be changing or adding stuff to it, kindly inform the judges (or one of us ) as I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd love a reread ^_^

    Thanks for your entry and good luck with the contest ^_^


  • Elvenfairy
    July 31, 2007

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    I also love harry potter. I never thought of flying mermaids before, facinating story. Thanks for entering my contest!


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    July 30, 2007

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    Thanks for your entry

    This was a very good fantasy read. I enjoyed it very much. For the purposes of the SW Presents Sci-Fi/Sci-Fluff contest the only concern is that I do not see any connection to the Sci-fi genre.

    So if there is a connection that I am missing, please make the connection in your authors notes. Also you need to refer back to the rules for background and font colors in the contest explanations

    Still I enjoyed the story and am curious to see what comes next. So yes, I do think you should finish it.


  • Isabella Swan
    July 29, 2007

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    This is good. I liked it, but I noticed a few s/p/g mistakes. You did a good job though. Good luck in the contest. I liked your idea of flying mernaids. I didn't like how the story flowed though. ANyway, great job!!!

  • mcheadle
    July 29, 2007

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    I found this story very interestiong

    I had forgot it was being written with out an ending. You left me hanging and with hunger for more so I can know how the story ends.. To me iit seemed very proffesionaly writen. Would be good as a child(young teen age- even pre teen age, also for some of us readers who want a sweet young love story to read with out too many hang-up in it) . A good story , fast read good to get your mind off of things for a fast get awas form life for the moment. does this help you at all. I really liked this story. I have grand children who would love to find this and read it all in an afternoon. mac


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    July 27, 2007

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    I liked it!

    This is a Fun-Filled Fantasy Tale that plunges you straight into the characters and everything that's going on. This story has much potential.

    A few spelling errors, "Mam" is spelled, "Ma'am" this word is really confusing so don't burden yourself. It wasn't distracting enough to take away from the story.

    A few missing words, like you're writing superly fast. But you know I do that too. So I just make sure to read my sentances every other break. So I can read what I'm writing, if I see a word missing it's taken care of right then and there.

    All in All this story was fantastic. I thought you did very well.
    I would love to see this finished. So I'll be looking for the next chapters! Keep on writing!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • janeeyre01
    July 26, 2007

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    Wow

    That was a great storyline, I never would have thought of flying mermaids. I don't know why, but I wouldn't have. I could only psot mistakes in spelling, but I think it was grammatically correct, making it awesome!!! I love the way that you ended the story on a cliffhanger, can't wait to see the rest


  • Tashabambam
    July 26, 2007
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    Also, I think it fits option 15 more than it does option 6.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • sly fox
      July 26, 2007
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      well

      that option six thing was from an old contest and i didn't relize i still had it. i ment it for option 15 to be honest.

  • Tashabambam
    July 26, 2007

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    NUUUUUUUU don't stop it THERE!!!!! T-T
    Very very good!!! I love that you said 'my chefness' that made me giggle like a little girl. (yes I know its creepy) my friend Raychel (one of the judges) is gonna love that the main character is named raychel!!!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Ziee..
    June 28, 2007

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    Well, what can i say another great write.. one thing im confused about.. the bit where she is swimming deeper but then she wakes up.. was it a dream.. if so, why did she have the bag.. i liked it it was very myserious

    • sly fox
      June 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      well

      the three dashes, ---, indicate a dream. she was so tired that she fell asleep while swimming. a young man found her floating in the water after she had fallen asleep. everything before the first three dashes, ---, was part of her journey. everything after the last three dashes, ---, was also part of her journey. the stuff between the three dashes, ---stuff---, was a dream.

  • Taylor Renee
    June 27, 2007
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    Aww I think this was cute.
    I agree totally with Asfand, but I thik this was really cute nevertheless.
    I want you to ocontinue I think it could be a great story!
    Thanks for entering, and good luck!!!!
    xox
    Tay


  • Asfand
    June 27, 2007

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    ahan.....very very imaginative.......

    its got a very cute lil, cozy sense of details..pillow of seaweed, seaweed covers........hm...i wish i could be in those.......

    its a cute lil, thrilling story...and u must continue!!! i would really love it if u made this into soem kinda dramatic intense runwaway!!! really!! its very nice!!

    CRITICISM

    just some spelling mistakes and grammatical errors......very few.........um......i'm worried about the flow.....it was smooth, but there were more details that could have really turned it into a fantastic story.......like explain the village, the room she is in.........ya noe

    other then that,.........this was gud.......cute and very well-writeen

    CHEERS and GUD LUK!!!


  • AlexisBerryBird
    June 26, 2007

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    I love it!

    Continue please.You had spelkling errors, but not like a 100 just a couple.It was good.I really do like it!Please continue!Rock on!Lol!Yay!Whoo-Hoo!

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


    • sly fox
      June 26, 2007
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      Spelkling

      i have "spelkling" errors. i will try to fix all of my "spelkling" errors latter.

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