A tear slid down her face. The pillow absorbed it.
I outstretched my leg. It hit her foot. Our shared glance broke.
The ends of her lips curled upwards slightly. She met my eyes again.
I slid my hand to her back. Pulled her closer. She was warm.
She looked at it again, then at me. Another tear rolled down her cheek, and I wiped it off.
Author notes
I'm starting to like crafting very short, sweet stories.
I don't want to explain too much here... everything's there, and I'll leave it open for you to interpret.
A contest entry
- Short Prose by Bitter Irony.
165 points, ended July 2, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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sweet
The mention of tears, pillows, warmth and limbs really put me in the moment. These comfortable and familar items and sensations made me feel the warmth as well. I do agree that the sentences were short and maybe more detail are needed.beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Nice job at capturing a single moment: however, adding a few details would really help. It wouldn't take away from the mystery of this piece, but it would make it more emotional.
Also, try not to write using all simple sentences. Add a compound in there somewhere, if only for sentence variety and better flow.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Actually, I did a re-read just now and thought you were absolutely right
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thanks for the feedback
I was thinking about throwing in a compound sentence somewhere in there, but I kinda liked the staggered effect of the shorter, simpler ones. Made the moment a little bit more awkward, not at all poetic or flowery...
But that was my opinion. Thanks again for the feedback!
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