“Chained with bonds of ceaseless passion, there, hovering across the seas of love, I am powerless, unarmed, unguarded against the ties of ardor. I stand in these roots of devotion, wafting unbeaten paths against the waves of memories washing upon me, bringing back those dawns of ecstasy, those talks where pleasure ran, unstopped, undefined.”
* * *
“O! This heat of passion, it tears at my heart, my love. I tire of this hidden love; it is not in me, no longer do I wish to take part in these veiled plays of emotions, these terrible dramas of romance. I wish to come into the open, to announce my love to thee …” I said, murmuring with eloquence into her ears.
“Let love not make us blind,” she said. “I love thou, and thee knows it, yet why does thou wish to break us apart … these malicious folk, they shall never have me love thee.”
“I no longer care of what these people think,” I said, impatience overwhelming the firmness of my voice. “It is thou and I, just our love that matters now …”
“Nay,” said she, her gleaming eyes boring into mine. “Let love be our guide, and my love says nay, we shan’t tell a soul … let love not bring us to our knees, but make us sustain our burdens.”
“Strength is all we need,” said I. “Let us show these people who we are, two lovers, we have rights as all, to love, to be together …”
There and then, I saw a tear speed down her cheek. For moments long, neither of us spoke, the silence said it all. There we sat, with an endless stretch of black heaven before us, silent, unmoving. The moon cast a silver glow upon us, illuminating our silhouettes, two sweet lovers, locked in embracing words. I took her hand in mine, kissing it.
“Your heart is mine, woman,” I spoke, her hand still clasped in mine. “I am thy lover, and thou is mine … mine for evermore …”
“And no father of mine … shall keep us apart …” she said.
So, the blissful evening passed. The stars looked down upon us, weary spectators in this love, soundless, ever constant. I could hear there envious whispers and smiled. I was a blessed man, a gifted sinner before the House of God.
I could hear her voice; I could feel her breath upon mine – a sweet breeze from paradise. O! Our love was strong indeed …
* * *
I opened my eyes, feeling the stinging brightness. It was dawn, and the sky was a luminous canvas of colours, each basking in its own glory. I could feel a gentle breeze all around me, a mere sign of her presence I hoped. The autumn leaves scattered all around me, stirring slightly as the wind cast upon them. I was kneeling down upon my knees, my face stained with tears, tears that spoke more than the voice could ever have.
Before me stood a grave, encased with stones of deep red and adorned with showered flowers. I often spent the nights here; it was a usual haunt of mine. Here I felt closest to her, here I could feel her presence beside me, so I came at night, prayed and let my stupors cover me in a blanket of sleep, dreaming about forgotten memories, those blessed moments.
To me, sleep itself was paradise, the one place where I was with her. Each night was another recollection of our sacred days. Out of the sleep, it was gloom, just those accusing stares, the sneers, and the jeering people. It was too much to bear.
I heaved myself to my feet, kissed the stone where set, was my lover’s name. I picked up a few of the flowers before carelessly tossing them away.
“You never liked the lilies …” I spoke before walking away.
* * *
“O! The paradise of my slumbers, the one place where I can touch thee, where I can hear thy soft words, the place where thy ardor meets mine, where our breaths turn to heavenly prays. Dreams, needless visions for some, moments of horrors for others, but for me, dreams are the most sacred places of all, where I can do anything I want, where I can be with my love …”
Author notes
This is the story between two lovers of different races.
They face a lot of difficulty ... they also acknowledge that they will never be able to love each other ... being set in the primordial world.
On his lover's commiting suicide, the man is torm apart, ever dreaming of returning to his love ... but he finds a way to do so ... through the blissful cosmos - dreams.
A contest entry
- StoryWrite New Member's Contest June 2007 by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended July 9, 2007, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - How good of a writerer are yoo??? by Liefofdel.
140 points, ended June 30, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Kiss me Kill me by vamplover22907.
1000 points, ended September 7, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please Submit Your Critiques:
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Awww, I loved this. Was probably a long time since anyone commented on this, but I was just browsing through your works, looking for a good fresh story to lighten me up and you just served it up fresh.
Very well done! Please do keep writing!
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aww man I cried when reading it. I liked the old speech that you used. Good Luck
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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*sniffles* It made me cryyyy...tears of laughter, that is. Oh man. It was a battle to the death between how many times "thou," appeared in a paragraph, and how many times "thee" appeared. I think "O" won. You have an interesting technique! I do believe this is the first time that a story walked up to me and beat me over the head with melodrama. And I notice this is yet another entry in my contest that has won a trophy. Weep for storywrite.
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Seriously, this is one of my worst works!!
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I didn't finish
it seemed a little melodramatic to me from the beginning. but i didn't finish so i can't rally judge accurately, right? (= good luck in the contest -
that made me definately want to cry. it was so sad, and yet beautifully put. i think at the begginning, though, you put too many thou's and thee's that weren't needed.
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Whoa!
The ending, including the Author Notes, was beautiful. Especially the quote you included, which said so much. You said in the Author Notes that it was about two lovers of different races, but that wasn't so clear in the story itself.
Other than that, very good work! Normally, old English totally boggles my mind, but this is very well written!
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Welcome to StoryWrite
And thanks for your entry into the new members contest.
I don't normally like "thee" and "thou" language in contemporary writes, but I think it worked well here. It fit perfectly and sort of set the tone for the overall write.
Nicely done. Best of luck in the contest -
Very good!
I am not into the thees and thous, but you did them really well. I suppose that was the language of the period. I suspect that most of us have our best conversations with our lovers in our imagination or dreams. This seems very Shakespearean. Tragic it is, of course, that he must find his lover in death rather than in life.
Hope you are enjoying Storywrite. You are quite talented.
Andy
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well.....i now i sound like a total looser rite about now but yay!!! *does looooong happy dance*
thnk u sooo much!!! yes, i don't like it much either, but i thought it would really fit!!!!
thnx again!!!!
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Very Romeo and Juliet. I love the use of the old world language.
Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering.
~*Brooke*~ -
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thnx!!!
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Your use of language and dialog is very nice.
I didn't care for the story itself.
I had been imagining two lovers somehow torn apart (all the while thinking this is too Romeo&Julietesk) and then it becomes obvious that one is dead and apparently sleeping in the graveyard to be able to meet their lover in their dreams. (the dreaming and dead parts were fine)
The plot was what held you back, there isn't enough of a twist in the romance or enough true build up of the characters for my taste.
That said, just because this story doesn't quite tell me something interesting or go anywhere we me in tow as the reader doesn't mean that I don't think you can write and should keep on developing your talent. You'll find some characters and make them live one day so keep trying.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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i tried to focus on the main theme of the story.........i didnt bother with too much details.....
oh god!!! i havent even read Romeo and Juliet!!! i guess ill have to now!!!!
^_^
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great story, strange author notes.
you do know what primordial means, right? and a lot is two words, not one. -
woooowwwww.....how can you write so good? I'm not good at writing olde worlde stuff...but it seems to fit this story. andyou seem to be great at writing it and making it fit. hmm...I can't criticize anything; there's nothing to criticize at all! well done!
Luv, IMqueen
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oooh!! so u read THIS!!! yay!!!
thnx..i dont noe...i guess thaz what too much LOTR does to a person!!!
k...thnx for the comment!!!
take care!!
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Nice piece. I liked the use of olde worlde language in this story, it really gave it a romatic and tragic feel. I like how you incorporated the dream prompt into the story. Very original idea! Nice write, well done!
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Welcome to Storywrite I loved the archaic language you ahve used in this piece, a very "Romeo and Juliet" feel to it indeed! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e 
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really!!! wow!!! thnk u sooo much!!!
u guys r very nice!!! thnx again!!!!
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its good...well written...but the story is very typical dun u think!! but all the while.,..i always love ur stories..and i loved this one also!!!
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i realized ... So....i rewrote and changed the rich and poor thingy to different racial origins!!! neat na!!!
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