Come,
sweet brother,
The rain has stopped,
Don't be afraid,
My tiny body,
can protect you,
Discover the world,
together,
As did our forefathers,
Be carefull,
for you won't be,
just like our father,
But make sure,
dear brother,
that you keep mother's eyes,
Teach me,
world's greatest,
and smallest lessons,
Catch me,
when I fall,
and take away my fears,
Carry me,
on your back,
across impassible lands,
Need me,
like I need you,
in the cold nights,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hate me,
furious brother,
and love me afterwards,
Talk to me,
I'll be better,
I promise,
Ignore,
my harsh words,
They're not meant for you,
Scare me,
with your angry screams,
and then hold me tight,
Be dissapointed,
when I act,
like a little child,
Yell,
angry brother,
at my stupid ways,
Accept,
when I apologize,
with tears in my eyes,
When tears spill,
on my cheeks,
don't hide your own,
Don't be,
too hard on me,
I can't help it,
Please soften,
your big eyes,
when you look at me,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't cry for me,
sad brother,
I'll be fine,
You can hold me,
close to you,
all night long,
Tell me,
your feelings,
and we'll share them honestly,
Don't be sad,
You will not lose me,
I won't ever go,
Don't look at me,
with pity eyes,
I'm not the one who's sad,
Please understand,
wise brother,
all of my decisions,
Hug me,
as much as you can,
and I'll hug you back,
Believe me,
when I say,
that it's time to let me go,
Quit trying,
to stop the time,
for it heals your wounds,
Promise me,
you will never,
froget who I was,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't you see,
beloved brother,
how small I really am,
Do you love,
the world,
just like it loves you,
Don't try to convince me,
I'm stubborn,
just like you,
Stop trying,
'cause some things,
just can't be fixed,
Don't fight,
my words,
I'm too tired,
Don't expect too much,
precious brother,
I'm not that strong anymore,
Kiss my forehead,
every night,
and watch over me,
Try to fall in love,
with life,
just like I have,
Let me teach you,
what I know,
It is my turn now,
Don't avoid,
my empty eyes,
For they will be closed soon,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Listen to me,
big brother,
'cause this time I am the wisest one,
Smile,
with me,
one last time,
Let me in,
and I will warm,
your far too big heart,
Laugh,
at my silly jokes,
It is never too late,
Believe in me,
and I'll come to you,
in your dreams,
Sleep,
cherished brother,
and I'll lie next to you,
Listen how my breath,
has a shorter rythym,
than yours,
Feel,
my tiny heartbeat,
fading slowly,
And don't cry,
but touch me,
It's your last chance,
Hold my hand,
and feel the warmth,
disappear slowly,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My big brother,
You've done all that I asked you,
Could you now please let me go...
Author notes
I don't really know how I came up with this. I guess it is about a girl who is dying soon, and her brother is really sad about it.
The first part is about the time before the girl got ill. It is about the love they had for each other.
The second part is about hate; about the fights they had.
The third part is about sorrow; about how sad the brother is.
The fourth part is about changes, and about him needing to exept what is happening.
The last part is about the girl's death.
I hope you liked it.
Love Lily
Favourite pet name: em... I guess if you have like a cat then I would call it elephant or something... Just give it the name of another animal that's completely different. My star sign is: Libra
OPTION 1
A contest entry
- Fandi Contest II - Poems by Asfand.
175 points, ended July 11, 2007, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme me some tears! by Midnightmare.
225 points, ended July 6, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Come and Take a Look by LadyLionnir.
500 points, ended July 18, 2007, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - POETRY by Midnightmare.
100 points, ended July 8, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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i already commented below once before bt i shall say it again; good idea to have before during and after. really loved it. well done thanks for entering!
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Um, this was sad...but it did kinda flow even if it didn't rhyme. I enjoyed reading it though I got distracted a little. Anyway, good job and good luck in the contest, thank you for entering.
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Nicely Done
I liked this. It was simple and straight forward, yet managed to capture the beginning, middle and end of their relationship without going into great detail. And at the same time, it was also emotional and effective at getting the reader to stop and think about the piece afterward.
good job!
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i loved the idea and as asfan said, the topic and i think the way you wrote it was great.. the before, during and after. but yeah perhaps you could put them all into one instead of breaking them up. and i agree with him too that you depend largely on your author's notes... it would be better if you incorporated it somehow into the poem. but i loved the relationship they had and the way you wrote it. i was actually almost crying too... she was so little and caring and he was so upset... oh it was so sad. a couple of spelling errors but that's it.
good luck and thanks for entering!!! -
I swear, when I was reading this poem, TEARS actually started filling up my eyes. It's such a sad and beautiful poem. Good luck in the contest!
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hm......i liked it alot.......it very well-composed...... i really loved the topic.......this is what i'm barkin about!!! nothing typical and cliche!!! this is rich with details and emotion.....its a very unique piece and i enjoyed it very much!!!
i'm glad u entered this into my contest!!!i really really liked this........its very capturing and it hold u till the end........
CRITICISM
i dont like how u turned it into parts.....it would have flowed together if u could have joined it into one.......
careful has one 'l' in it......
um.......there are certain times when i can see forced sentences.......don't force anything......what u're trying to do is VERY difficult.....it needs alot of thought and knowledge of how to build excellent sentences.........its betta to use free verse.........in those poems u can make a sentenc ehave long verses and some smalll..........its alot ablout meaning and deepness!!!
u r a lil dependant on your author's notes, jsut a lil.......they clarify alot.......try put the clarfication in ur poem verses......
well....thaz all...............
this was an aboslutely FANTASTIC piece!!! i really really loved it!!!
i loved the topic, the brother-sister relation....and the emotion!!! loved it!!!
thnx for entering in the contest!!! love ya and ur poem!!!
CHEERS and GUD LUK!!!
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I loved this!
It was so beautiful.
I loved their relationship.
This was a terrific poem!
I love the way you wrote it...in those sections. It made it even more beautiful to read.
Your vocabulary was nice, too. Expansive, pretty.
Anyway, I for one, really liked this. I think its one of your best
Great job, and good luck in the contest!!!
xoxo
Tay
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