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Everyday an innocent fool hummed to himself on the shore of a quiet beach, allowing the soft breeze to ruffle his unkempt hairs. He loved to burrow comfortably into the sand and scoop pebbles in his hand, sorting out the shiniest and roundest ones. Sometimes he would use a small stick and draw pictures in the sand that symbolized the deepest chambers of his heart. 2
Whenever he looked into the marble blue water, he smiled and waved at his rippling reflection. He found it pleasurable to walk aimlessly down the shore, all the while basking in the beauty of his environment. Then, when he reached the end of the beach, he would turn around and trace his footsteps back for no better reason that to observe the contours of the bottom of his bare feet. The only concept of time that guided him was the explosion of oranges and reds and yellows as the the dying sun disappeared into the horizon. Every evening, while he admired the vast beauty of the sunset, tears would pour from his soft eyes and purge the dirt from his cheeks in silent lines. It was always a joyful cry.3
People simply didn’t understand the fool, labeling him as an eyesore through their suburban veils. In today's world of fast action, efficiency and the dollar sign, there just wasn't a place for a wandering soul. He was so misunderstood, in fact, that the older folks warned their children to avoid him, calling him ignorant names such as bum, flasher and retard. Naturally, the local kids only grew more curious at their parents' forbidding. They grouped together and observed his bizarre behavior in roaring giggles. It wasn't long before they worked up the courage to destroy his imprinted artwork in the sand, throw stones at him, and harass him to no end. 4
Eventually the fool's tears turned cold with despair from all the constant abuse. Without even a whisper of farewell, he moved on forever, realizing that he didn't belong in their world anymore. Although he left them all in the tranquility of morning, it was a dramatic departure just the same. Not for the local community, because they could care less whether he lived or died. It was tragic for the only one who knew the true inner nature of the fool. It was the only one who was sad when his fading footsteps washed away with the rising tide. The only one who wept when the darkness crept in at dusk. The only one who missed the fool's unconditional company.5
The evening the fool didn't show was the first time the sun didn’t properly set. Even the water remained perfectly still in shocked sadness. The appreciation for what was beautiful was lost amongst those living too fast to stop and take it all in. It yearned for the fool's adoring eyes, but they had chased him from its loving grasp. In its eyes, the fool hadn't been a fool at all; they were.6
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Author notes
The moral of the story is to slow down and smell the roses every once in a while.
Wrote this a long time ago, so I decided to spruce it up a bit and post it. I enjoy updating old stories of mine sometimes, because the ideas were there, I just didn't have the vocabulary to reflect it as well back then.
A contest entry
- First Lines by werner1221.
145 points, ended December 24, 2007, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Moving on. by BabyxBadger.
100 points, ended January 16, 2008, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Just Give Me Stories by LostSoulOfRage.
400 points, ended February 4, 2008, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 500 Points for Imagery! by beezy92.
750 points, ended March 18, 2008, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Emotive and Descriptive by tallblondie.
1050 points, ended May 31, 2008, 50 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Storywrite's Next Top Story Creation - 2nd Round by whichcraft.
650 points, ended July 7, 2008, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Beach by flowerbee1234.
153 points, ended February 17, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Bullying by LoveGo13.
115 points, ended April 2, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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Howdy,
I enjoyed reading this, and loved the twist at the end. This catches the reader by surprise, and we all love surprises.
Technical critique:
First sentence hair is plural for a single hair or lots of hair, so the last word can drop the 's'.
The only other critique I have is that this is a telling story, and not a showing story. It appears like you have put some effort into showing in some paragraphs, great example are the first two (2-3) paragraphs. Really good visuals, then the in the 3rd (labeled 4) It switches to being told from a narration rather than being shown.
Hope this helps when you go to edit it next.
Renvek -
Good Story!
This is a good story, about how someone who has a different heart is treated as an outcast. You did a wonderful job! No mistakes, either. -
I love the moral.
It goes well with easy does it and one day at a time.
I enjoyed reading this and wondered how you used it... in a story or did you disgard it???
anyways it was wonderful to read and very inspirational.
blake ♣
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Short and sweet and to the point, and with a great moral to boot.
If I could wander the beach every day like the "fool," admiring the footprints and sunsets, I think I would too. I wouldn't be afraid to throw stones back at those kids, though. *laughs* This was, overall, nicely-constructed and had a lovely (though sad) ending. I definitely enjoyed the read. Best of luck to you in the contest! 
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wow. i liked it!! good luck and thanks for entering!
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I loved the imagery in this piece and the fact that his fading footprints and 'art' were as tenuous as his life itself. You also evoked a range of emotions - I daresay what those emotions were, depended upon the individual reader. For me, it was a sense of deep reflection - that for all the individuality of life, some people are never appreciated.
Thank you for your entry and good luck!
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amazing
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This is very sad but it was beautiful. I don't really know what else to say, I loved the imagery, I loved the concept behind it, it was a great write.
thanks for entering my contest
-gibson -
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thanks for not DQ'ing me
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This piece was short and sweet, with great imagery. I loved the last paragraph describing how he was missed. Its slight sadness was eradicated by the fact that ultimately, he was missed by someone. There were no mistakes of any kind, and it was very readable. It described the narrow-mindedness of society very well. Good work and good luck.
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Hello:
Thank you. This is priceless.
Sincerely,
Anaya Roma
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Commentary
Immediately, I would not have thought this was just only five hundred worded story because the layout was really good. -
Wow this was very powerful, it gave me goosebumps... I really enjoyed it.
"In its eyes, the fool hadn't been a fool at all; they were."
That line got to me the most. I hate how society has turned into something so fast paced that we hardly have any time to stop and smell the roses.
Great job on this I really enjoyed it.
Angel
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Ooooh nice.
I think I might have found a couple of typos, but that might have more to do with the fact that American English spells things differently to English English lol.
Other than that, this is good!! It sparks up questions, like, who is the fool? Why did he have such a profound effect on nature, or is he a metaphor for how much we've destroyed?
It sounds almost like the kind of story a grandmother would pass on to her grandchildren in a wood hut in Eastern Germany in the 1600s, and for that reason, I like it. -
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Well I used to live in a wood hut in East Germany in 1600, so that might be where the idea for this sprung up in my mind
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wow. This was soo good! It made me kinda sad and gave me chills- it's rare to read something that will envoke such strong emotions in a person, and you did a great job of doing it. I loved your descriptions- they were so vivid and detailed, painting the scene and surroundings for me as I read. Ah! This was so perfect- great use of detail, descriptions, emotions....WOW!
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Aww, that was cute. Poor Fool. Poor ocean and sunset and sand. I'm sure there's more than just one fool out there...
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This has given me goosebumps.. Not only did the end of the story reflect how corrupt the world is in its entirety, but it also flowed so well I couldn't tear my eyes from it.. I read your author's notes and I applaud you for going back and editing stories. I love to see people do that and make things better and more beautiful than the original piece was. Your descriptions compare to the "fool", simple, gorgeous, and brilliant.
I have a few favorite sentences in this...here's one:
"People simply didn’t understand the fool, labeling him as an eyesore through their suburban veils."
I love that... so true it is..
"It was the only one who was sad when his fading footsteps washed away with the rising tide. The only one who wept when the darkness crept in at dusk. The only one who missed the fool's unconditional company."
I find it so incredibly sad that the only thing that missed him was the ground and the earth he walked on...
I don't really have any suggestions for you, it was well written and I didn't find any mistakes that stuck out to me.. Excellent job and good luck in the contest!
Ana
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This made me so sad-- the descriptions and the story were beautiful and wonderfully written. *sniffles* I loved it, really. I got chills. Hope your days are bright.
Tsubasa
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AHHHH! Just what I was looking for, something original, thoughtful, well written and descriptive. Give it a teeeeeny bit of polishing in the last paragraph, will you? Good luck in my contest!
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Excellent
Wow. This rocks. The word choice is perfect and the mood gets across very well. Way to go.
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Very very nice
Damn....you guys are gonna make it hard to judge this contest, huh? All the entries I've read so far have gone to the finalist list. Yours is no different!! I love the meaning, the vocabulary, the simplicity, the message, the imagery, the depiction, the fool. It's wonderful!! It should be published somewhere...earning you money (=
Like the others, there were a couple minor spelling/grammar issues.
“People simply didn’t understand the fool, labeling him as an eyesore through their SUBURBAN veils”
“In today's world of fast action, efficiency and the dollar sign, there just wasn't a place for a wandering soul.” There’s a tense change in the middle. It should be “there just isn’t a place for a wandering soul” (which is still true today, so it would work) or “In that day’s world” or “In such a world of” or something like that.
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thanks for your kind words and pointing out the spelling mistakes
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that was really well written i liked it poor old fool he seemed harmless it kind of sounds like some other people in this world they see something as weird and they make fun of him/her anyways it was really well done good luck in the contest
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i loved it
what more can i say?
i loved it -
I really enjoyed this story. It is short sweet and complete. Your had a couple of moments of great description which matched my contest, but in all honesty the story is what drives this. Calling the main character "the fool" when he wasn't is a good idea though. I liked the irony. Thanks for the entry.
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thnx for entering the contest.
wow this is very stunning. its a very beautifully written story. so sad. i really loved it. amazing job. good luck and keep it up.
-LostSoul
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That was an amazing sad and beautiful story, really great write.
Happy new year and good luck for the contest.
Loved every bit of this story though.
xxx -
the first 3 lines were wonderfully written. catchin and holdin onto my attention. so much that im going to read the rest of it.
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Wow! This is really a stunning piece! The overtone is a great message; humans destroy everything that is beautiful, especially in today’s modern world. I feel sorry for the “fool”; indeed it is the rest who are fools, not knowing the true meaning of beauty and taking what we have in our daily lives for granted. This was really thought provoking and sad. Your descriptions are superb! I could picture the “fool” on the beach sitting in the sand while sorting the pebbles. My favourite part was: “Sometimes he would use a small stick and draw pictures in the sand that symbolized the deepest chambers of his heart.” Simply loved it! Thanks for the great read!
♥NewGuy90
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Very Good Message
Really the world would be a better place if we were all "fools" no war,politics,violence. It would be a much more simple time for us all. This really spoke to me because I have a nephew who is "mentally impaired" as I say,(I hate the R word...) I have watched him and really there is nothing wrong with him at all. He is a simple person who can read and write and understands consequences of actions but much more peaceful. The character in this story is very realistic compared to my nephew,you must have done reasearch I think. It was a very good piece with no spelling or grammar errors at all. Good Job bro!
-Marshall (or Blu's bro) -
This made me think about a lot of things.... especially how society is today. The generation who took time to appreciate things properly have faded away and been replaced with the 'disposable generation'. Everything, from relationships to fast food, and single-use cameras, are designed to be disposable. Nobody takes time for anything anymore. Anything requiring effort is thrown away for the sake of convenience. Its a sad thing.....
How many people would now choose a quiet day at a deserted beach over a high flying shopping trip in New York??
I loved this piece, its thought provoking and sympathetic and the imagery is divine. Great job.
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It's so true. 'disposable generation' is an excellent way to describe it.
Also, we are worried about efficiency. Every house in suburbs look the same. Efficiency over raw beauty to meet the demands of the masses
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I like old pieces, too - I found that the 17-19 year old me wrote better than I do now
You know... Keli held a contest about descriptions before; I honestly think this would have placed - had you posted this much earlier, and if you had made it in time ^_^
I love the fool - in tarot, it's one of the cards that fascinated me. The way you depicted this "fool" was so beautiful, even the way you described what he did and how he seemed to be the only one who saw (AND appreciated nature for what it was) just had me remembering the many times I basked in the sunset's beauty. Your description of nature was divine - I felt like doing the same thing the "fool" did: drink up and take in the beauty... and watch the explosion of colors ^_^ I especially loved how you described the sunset - it reminded me too much of fireworks and, YES, I absolutely love fireworks and the sunset (just sad that we can't have both at the same time..).
You weaved a beautiful tale... sugar coated and beautified through the eyes of the fool, and yet, the latter bits of your piece hold the bitterness of how things really are. But I guess everything is bittersweet... like what your fool did, he loved nature and, in doing so, people began to ostracize him. He is different.. conforming would be idiotic, yet a lot of people do that. I guess it's just human nature - to want to belong... and to fear that which we can't understand. It's stupid and yet... well, I guess those fears come naturally. Those kind of people DO exist, which is the sad part, and the sadder truth is that these people DO ruin the beautiful ones.
See what you made me do... I think my comment is almost as long as your story But yeah, Blu, great work!
P.S. Maybe I should take my stories and secretly post them as comments.. I think I'd get more reads that way
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You're too nice to me with your kind words, always
That was one long comment, took me about a day to get through it, lol, but thanks, you always relate my stories to your life somehow, which is is always interesting to see how my words are reflected in your eyes. You always have something meaningful to say, and it is much appreciated.
P.S. I didn't quite get your p.s.
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Cool Blu, I think its beautiful, a lot of people think you are crazy when you just enjoy the beauty of things, can I help it if I like to travel with a posse of bubbles all around me?
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Absolutely not!
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