WildFlowers

Squires Get off of me! What is wrong with you!
(enters, out of breath)
Talk about evil pigeons…wow…Just what I needed right about now. Eww! It pooped on me! Come on!
(looks at flyer)
…You’d think they’d give you directions to the castle for those new to the area, but I guess that’s asking to much…
(to audience) Oh, how now? Thank God I found someone here. I hope none of you saw that issue I had with that pigeon… Anyway, I’m really excited right now because this flyer here says that the princess of DarKastle is looking for a suitor over the next few days and since I broke up with my lady recently… Actually, she left me because she said I never listen her or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention. Anyway, this is going to be great, because now that I’m free I’ll have a shot at marrying a princess… I can’t even imagine…being in the Royal Courts… living up to my ancestors… eating something other than chicken. If only I knew where DarKastle was….
(walks out into audience and looks around) It’s just all forest. They could at least have a sign or something!

Sir Gryphon (enters from stage)

Squires Hello! You sir!
(runs back onstage)
Good day young sir, could you help me find something.

Sir Gryphon I hardly call 35 young but if that’s what ya’ say I’m not complainin’.

Squires I’m sorry about that. Are you from around here?

Sir Gryphon Do I sound like I’m from around here?

Squires No… But I thought you’d at least know the area.

Sir Gryphon Oh no lad, I do. I come to Hastings all the time. I’m good friends with the people of the courts here.

Squires Really?

Sir Gryphon Aye. I used to train the knights here but I since retired from that ages ago. Now lately I come to play in the jousting tournaments. I’m only of the best on the island don’t ya’ know!

Squires You don’t say?

Sir Gryphon Oh, but I do. Have you ever heard of Sir Shanton of Falcon Hill?

Squires The guy with the cool hair!?

Sir Gryphon Aye, the very one.

Squires I know him. I’ve run into him before.

Sir Gryphon Have ya’ now? Nice man aye?

Squires um… no…

Sir Gryphon No?

Squires You see, when I ran into him, I kind of bumped into his arm and made him spill his wine all over himself… Yeah, he wasn’t too happy about that.

Sir Gryphon Oh, you meant literally.

Squires yeah, literally…

Sir Gryphon Well, you’re lucky to be alive then! He’s quite the fighter. I was the only knight ever to dismount him in his whole career.

Squires You don’t say.

Sir Gryphon Aye, but I do! Knocked his bum right off his horse! What’s this you have here lad? Let me take a look.
(takes flyer from Squires)
I see the princess is finally looking for a suitor now. Ya’ know, I remember 16 years ago when she was just born.

Squires Really? Surely it was a beautiful day.

Sir Gryphon Surely you jest!

Squires No, not really…

Sir Gryphon There were 2 Tornados, hurricane like conditions, gale force winds, and then it stormed for the rest of the week! 3 people died!

Squires 3 people died?

Sir Gryphon Aye, that’s what I said, no need to repeat it lad.

Squires Wow, I have to meet this princess now! You think you could take me to DarKastle? I don’t know my way around here at all and I just got attacked by a pigeon a little while ago.

Sir Gryphon Surely now, I was actually just heading that way meself. If there’s ever a princess that needs a suitor I’ll be there to win her over.

Squires Um, actually I was going to do that. That’s why I was going there in the first place, to marry her, and stuff.

Sir Gryphon Well she can’t have us both now, can she? How about this. If she’s pretty I’ll marry her, and if she’s ugly, you can take her.

Squires What? Who do you think you are?

Sir Gryphon I laddie, am Sir Gryphon of Heatherdowns, Scotland, and if ya’ want as much as to even see this princess you’ll as I tell ya’. Now come along__

Squires Squires, sir…

Sir Gryphon Aye, Squires. Come along then, it’s quite a hike from here and she won’t be waitin’ around forever. Come on, it’s this way boy. Pick it up, I don’t want you lagging behind!

Squires I’m coming, I’m coming…

Sir Gryphon You kids these days… Where’re ya’ from anyway…?

(both exits)





Princess Christine (enters to edge of stage)
Hurry up Njord, you promised me…

DarKastle King (from off stage)
Christine?

Princess Christine Yes Father?

DarKastle King A sign of anyone yet?

Princess Christine Not yet… I’ll keep an eye out though.
(begins to leave)
He better hurry up.
(exits)




































(from off stage)
Squires What’s wrong with bears?

Sir Gryphon Nothing’s wrong with them, it’s just that they don’t suit ya’ very well.

(Squires and Sir Gryphon enter)

If you want a good animal for your crest, you need one that shows who you are. Not one that just looks “hot” or whatever you kids say these days.

Squires So then what would you suggest?

Sir Gryphon For you? Well, you’re not very strong so the Bear’s off. You’re not too cunning, so no Hawk. You don’t seem to have a lot of power, so no Lion either. A Dragon’s just completely out of the question. I think you would be suited best with a small bird… If ya’ know what I’m getting’ at.

Viking (enters)


Squires(pause) HEY! That was uncalled for!
(pushes Sir Gryphon)

Sir Gryphon I thought it was funny.

Viking (goes up to Sir Gryphon and sniffs him)

Sir Gryphon Yes, can I help ya’?

Viking (jumps back and cowers)

Squires Is that a Viking?

Sir Gryphon I believe so.

Viking (gets up and sniffs around Sir Gryphon)

Squires He’s kind of creepy lookin’…

Viking (pouts)

Sir Gryphon Nice. I don’t want to waste time with this bloke…

Viking (takes Sir Gryphon’s hat)

Sir Gryphon Ya’ want to give that back, son?

Viking (puts hat in mouth and backs up)

Sir Gryphon Swell…

Squires I thought we were leaving…

Sir Gryphon We are, as soon as we get me hat.
(reaches to get hat)

Viking (slaps Sir Gryphon’s hand)

Squires I’m just going to go now…
(walks past Sir Gryphon)

Sir Gryphon (grabs Squires’ shirt) Oh no ya’ don’t. I said
we’re not leavin’ until we get me hat back!


Squires Why don’t we just take him to the castle with us.

Sir Gryphon Are ya’ kiddin’ me laddie? They probably won’t let us in.

Squires Why not?

Sir Gryphon Oh, I don’t know. He’s a little ugly, don’t ya’ think?

Viking (pouts and starts to walk away)

Squires Oh, real nice Sir Gryphon, now you hurt his feelings.

Sir Gryphon He’s a Viking, he doesn’t have any feelings.

Viking (stops for a moment, then puts face in hands)

Squires Okay, THAT was you!

Viking (looks back at Squires and Sir Gryphon, motions a tear)

Sir Gryphon Oh, for cryin’ in a bucket…
(pushes Squires out of the way)
Can I have me hat now?

Viking (no response)

Sir Gryphon We can do this the easy way, or the hard way, and trust me son, ya’ don’t want the hard way. Well?

Viking (no response)

Sir Gryphon Alright.
(Runs at Viking, getting him in a headlock and throws him to the ground-gets hat back)

Sir Gryphon Come, Squires, no one’s gettin’ any younger here.

Squires I’m sure he feels great about himself now, first he’s accused of being ugly and not having feelings now he just got beat up by a shrimpy Scottish guy who wears a skirt.

Sir Gryphon Ya’ say somethin’ Squires?

Squires Uh, no Sir…

Sir Gryphon Good answer. Lets go!
(exits)

Squires Do you want to come to? Just ignore Sir Gryphon, he’s mean to me too. Do you have a name?

Viking (shakes head)

Squires Can you even talk?

Viking (shakes head)

Squires That’s okay. I still like you.
(playfully hit’s Viking’s shoulder)

Viking (steps back)

Squires No, it’s a good thing. It means we’re friends. Friends… hit each other like that sometimes. It shows you trust each other.

Viking (head butts Squires)

Squires (falls on the ground) Yeah, we’ll work on that… Come on, we need to catch up to Sir Gryphon.







































(Squires, Sir Gryphon, the Viking and Castle Knight enter. Castle Knight leading)

Castle Knight Right this way… I’ll inform King Rupert of your arrival.

Squires He’s a strange little guy…

Sir Gryphon Aye. They probably wacked him in the head too hard when they knighted him.

Squires (looking at crests on the walls)
This place is amazing!

Sir Gryphon (pulls Squires away)
What are ya’ doin’? Ya’ want to get thrown out?

Squires I was just looking at the banners…

Sir Gryphon Well stop! A Nobleman has seen all of this before, he doesn’t need to stare.

Squires (goes back over to wall)

Sir Gryphon Stop gawking Squires!

Squires Sorry… Don’t get your knickers in a twist.

Sir Gryphon I’m not wearin’ any…

Squires Oh…

Sir Gryphon Aye…

Viking (sees a “fly” and attempts to chase it but trips and falls)

Squires I hope we’re not too early…

Sir Gryphon Trust me laddie, if someone’s willin’ to take a teenage daughter off your hands there’s no such thing as bein’ “too early”.

(Castle Knight and King Rupert enter)

Castle Knight These are the suitors, your Highness.

King Rupert I was expecting more, but this is better than the group from yesterday.

(to group)

Are all three of you here for my daughter?

Sir Gryphon Can we see her first?

King Rupert Sure! Marco, go call out Bertha for me.
I’m so happy you all came. We’ve been trying to find a suitor for her 3 years and no takers. We had 2 gentlemen come in yesterday, but one fell in the moat on the way out and apparently drowned and the other filed for a restraining order…

(Castle Knight enters with Princess Bertha)

Sir Gryphon Can’t possibly imagine why…

Viking (hides behind Sir Gryphon)

Princess Bertha Are these my new suitors! Oh boy! I want them all daddy.

King Rupert No sweetie, you can only have one. We had this talk before, having more than one husband is illegal.

Princess Bertha Fine… Who’s this hunk of sexy?
(walks over to group)

Squires Well, my name’s Squires, I’m from Banbury Cross…

Princess Bertha Eww! Not you! You look like a girl!

Squires You look like a man!

Princess Bertha (to Sir Gryphon) Who’s this?

Sir Gryphon Now now, my lady, I really don’t think I’m what you’re looking for trust me. There’s so many other great people out there…

Princess Bertha (picks up Sir Gryphon over her shoulder)
I want this one! I want this one! I want this one! (jumping with Sir Gryphon on her shoulder)

King Rupert Well, bring him here honey…

Princess Bertha (runs over to King Rupert and throws Sir Gryphon on the ground in front of him)

King Rupert What’s your name son?

Sir Gryphon I (getting up) am Sir Ian Gryphon (fixing hat) of Heatherdowns, Scotland, your Highness.

King Rupert Heatherdowns huh? It seems like all the most respected knights are from Heatherdowns.

Sir Gryphon Aye, your Highness.

King Rupert So, are you willing to take my daughter’s hand in marriage?

Sir Gryphon Marriage? No! I mean, I’m actually not here for your daughter, now your Highness. But, I know a young man who is! This lad…
(walking back and taking Squires up to king Rupert)

This lad here was goin’ on the entire journey about how he’s always wanted a lady friend to call his own, and quite frankly, I think these two would be perfect for each other!

Squires You are not going to do this to me.

Sir Gryphon With all the crap ya’ made me put up with on the way over—I’m gonna’ do this to ya’ lad. I’m gonna’ do this to ya’!

Squires Oh no you’re not! You’re not leaving me here to this… thing…

Sir Gryphon Do ya’not remember what I told ya’ back in the forest? If she’s pretty, I’ll marry her, and if she’s ugly, you will. And honestly, she’s rather hideous…

King Rupert WHAT!!





Sir Gryphon (smacks Squires in the head)
What was that for lad? Callin’ the princess such a name. What got into that head o’ yours? That’s no way to treat a lady who’s obviously got an eye for ya’!

Squires What! I didn’t say that. You did!

Sir Gryphon I did not.

Squires Yes you did!

Sir Gryphon Did not.

Squires Did too!

Sir Gryphon did not.

Squires Yes you did!

Sir Gryphon Alright fine. Ya’ caught me! See your Highness, you almost trusted your daughter here to a liar like me? Yet another reason why Squires would be a much better choice to marry… your princess here to.

Squires Wait, what?

Sir Gryphon I best be off, I have no other reason to be here. I’m not fit to be a prince anyway. (begins to leave)




Squires No, wait, I have an idea. Why don’t we fight for the princess.

Sir Gryphon (walks backwards back up to Squires)
Yes?

Squires That’s right, we’ll fight. And… Loser gets the princess.

King Rupert Loser?



Sir Gryphon No offence or anything, your Highness, but if we fought with those rules in mind things would be a lot more interestin’.

(To Squires)

I hope you know what you’re gettin’ yourself into Squires. I’ve been known to mess up a man so badly his own mum doesn’t recognize him.

Squires So, you accept my challenge then?

Sir Gryphon I’ve never turned one down.

Squires So it’s settled then. Me, versus Sir Gryphon… and his little man skirt.

Sir Gryphon Excuse you?

Squires You heard me… it’s a man skirt!

Sir Gryphon You’re your information, ya’ arrogant wee fraction of a man, it’s a kilt. (rips off over tunic) And you never cross a man who wears a kilt!

(draws sword and charges Squires)

(Fight)
Squires dodges Sir Gryphon’s first charge, and takes a shield off the wall, while Sir Gryphon makes numerous blows to the shield (5 or 6). Afterwards Sir Gryphon pauses for a moment and Squires strikes Sir Gryphon in the head with the shield.



Squires Oh wow, are you okay?

Sir Gryphon (stands up slowly and checks face for blood)
No one makes me bleed my own blood…

(takes shield from Squires)

Give me that!

(hits Squires with shield)

(Squires and Sir Gryphon repeatedly hit each other with the shield until King Rupert breaks it up)

King Rupert (takes shield)
Stop! What is wrong with you people!

Sir Gryphon (points to Squires)
He started it.

Squires (takes shield from King Rupert and hits Sir Gryphon)

Sir Gryphon You wanna’ go!

Squires Bring it, you son of a dog!

King Rupert Both of you stop this! (takes shield from Squires)
Maybe this fight was a bad idea, we’re not getting anything done here. I think we should stop.

Squires Stop? I’m sorry your Highness, but I’m not going to stop? In my family we never give up a fight! I started this, so I’m going to make my family proud and finish it. I am Squires, son of Sir Bryant of Banbury Cross and I am NOT going to lose a fight to guy who wears a SKIRT!!

King Rupert I believe you just got served, Sir Gryphon.

Sir Gryphon Alright, I see how it is. If you want to stay here so bad and want to marry, then so be it. I have no power to hold ya’ back. Good day.
(bows and exits)

Castle Knight Looks like we finally have a prince for Heinrich Castle!

Squires Heinrich Castle? I thought this was DarKastle?

King Rupert No, not at all. DarKastle’s still a way’s North of here.

Squires That knavish son of a dog!

(takes battle axe off wall)

I’m taking this! Let’s go Viking, we got a chicken to bake!

King Rupert You can’t bake a chicken.

Squires Yes you can, can’t you?
(to audience) Can’t you bake chicken?

Castle Knight You know what would suck… If your lips were made of lettuce.

Squires Yeah, I should probably just leave now. Let’s go Viking.

(Squires exits with Viking behind him.)

Princess Bertha (picks up Sir Gryphon’s tunic) I got an idea…
(exits)































Sir Gryphon (entering court)
My lady?

Princess Christine Yes my Lord?

Sir Gryphon Aye, you’re here. I took care of the suitors just like you wished, so now we should have no interruptions tomorrow. I was in the forest for 3 days straight, but aye, was it worth it.

Princess Christine What did you do with them?

Sir Gryphon Lead them to different courts telling them it was DarKastle and let them marry the princess there. I told one poor soul DarKastle was all the way in Killarney! A moment later he gathered his crap and got on a boat to Ireland!

Princess Christine You sent a man to Ireland for me?

Sir Gryphon Why is it a surprise that I’d do anything for you? You’re everything to me.

(holds Princess Christine)

My Sun, my Moon… And my Stars.

(kisses Christine)


Princess Christine Tell me more…

Sir Gryphon I’d tell ya’ the Story of the World if I knew it, Christine.

Princess Christine I’m sure you would. You can talk for hours.

Sir Gryphon Ya’ know what else I can do for hours?
(starts to untie Princess Christine’s corset)

(Squires, Bertha and Viking enter)

Squires So this is DarKastle. You’ve been holding out on us!

Sir Gryphon Squires, Viking… Bertha? How did ya’ find this place?

Squires As disturbingly wrong as it sounds, Princess Bertha was able to follow your scent using the tunic you left back at Heinrich Castle.

Princess Bertha (enters with Sir Gryphon’s tunic and laughing evilly)
Hi sweet cakes… (purrs at Sir Gryphon)

Princess Christine Sweet cakes?

Squires Yeah, I hate to break it to you Princess, but Sir Gryphon’s cheating on you.

Sir Gryphon I am not!

Squires I don’t know. You are quite the liar after all.

Sir Gryphon You’re not gonna’ do this to me, lad.

Squires In your own words (cheesy Scottish accent) I’m gonna’ do this to ya’ lad. I’m gonna’ do this to ya’.

Princess Christine I can’t believe you!
(slaps Sir Gryphon in the face)

Sir Gryphon What was that for? Ya’ want to explain to me what’s goin’ on here?

Squires I’ll tell you what’s going on here! You tricked me! In fact, you tricked a lot of people! You led the noblemen who were looking for this princess to every other castle in the land but this one and they ended up stuck marrying the princess there. You did this to lower your competition so when it got down to the last day to marry into DarKastle’s court there wouldn’t be anyone there but you, so you could marry into the court without any problems… You tried to get me to marry Bertha!

Princess Bertha (lifts up dress and shows leg)

Sir Gryphon And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Englishmen and your… Viking!


Viking (gives thumbs-up to audience)

Squires (hits Viking) Knock it off.

Viking (puts face in hands)

Princess Christine Hey!
(pushes Squires) Don’t hit him!

Squires What?

Princess Christine I said don’t hit him! Are you alright sweetheart?

Viking (shakes head)

Princess Christine Come here…
(hugs Viking)
I can’t believe you! You think you can go around hitting people like that? You’re such a jerk.

Squires I’m a jerk? Sir Gryphon called him ugly! Then he got him in a head lock and threw him on the ground! And he said I had a little birdie. He doesn’t know that!

Princess Christine That shrimp beating up Njord? Yeah right.

Sir Gryphon Um, excuse me… what?

Squires Wait, I thought you were going to marry Sir Gryphon?

Princess Christine No. I was supposed to marry Njord all along. I just used Sir Gryphon to clear everyone else out so my father would have no choice but to marry us. This whole thing worked out better than I thought, especially with you 2 bringing Njord here to me.

Viking Sucks to be you guys!
(Viking and Christine fist pound each other)

Sir Gryphon Christine, ya’ didn’t?

Princess Christine I’m sure you’re a good person and everything Ian but, I just don’t like you like that.
(exits with Viking)

Princess Bertha I guess it’s just you and me Casanova.

Sir Gryphon Please stay away from me…

Princess Bertha We’re going to live in a bootiful castle together, with knights, and horsies, and a dragon, and lots of children and…

Sir Gryphon No we’re not!!!
(tries to run away, with Princess Bertha chasing him)

Squires Well, that’s 2 down…… I guess I can probably go now…

(exits slowly)


(outside of the castle: Sir Gryphon runs by with Princess Bertha chasing him)

Squires (sits on the edge of the stage) Well, this was a waste. I came all the way over to Hastings for a princess and she’s getting married to that Viking guy. Who even likes Vikings, they’re blonde… and… smell funny…

DarKastle Guard (comes up to Squires and brushes hand on Squires’ face)

Squires Um, do I know you?

DarKastle Guard (takes off helmet, and is a girl)
Do you want to?

Squires YES!!

DarKastle Guard (laughs)

Squires Hey, are you doing anything tonight?

DarKastle Guard (drops helmet)
Nothing important.

Squires I know this great tavern back in Banbury Cross, would you like to go? I don’t have much business here anymore.

DarKastle Guard Sure.

(Squires and DarKastle guard exit with arms locked)

Squires Say, my name’s Squires, what’s yours?

DarKastle Guard Dagmar.

Squires Sweet!
(Squires and DarKastle guard exit)




Sir Gryphon NO!!!!
(runs out while putting tunic back on)

Stay away from me!!
(Runs off stage into audience)

Princess Bertha (chases Sir Gryphon off stage)

Sir Gryphon Back! Back foul beast of Hades!

Princess Bertha You know you want it.

Sir Gryphon No! I don’t!!

Princess Bertha (Picks up Sir Gryphon and carries him back on stage then exits)

Sir Gryphon (crawls back onstage)
No!! What did I do to deserve this!

Princess Bertha (Drags Sir Gryphon back off stage by the ankles)
Come on Ian! Babies don’t make themselves!

Sir Gryphon NO!!!



(End)


Taranis Christen